[Dianna1395]

Building on what I mentioned here (The now I have them, my mind has gone male? thread)...

Fish oil of course didn't change things significantly.
But the strange mess that is me keeps getting stranger. Need some insight from others, some ideas...

I was at the gym last night, just trying a posture-correcting program. (Neanderthal no more over at T-nation.com, I'd recommend everyone at least take a look. https://www.t-nation.com/workouts/neanderthal-no-more-4 has the workout, 1-3 is scientific background.)
But: for things like a row? I was doing 150# a few weeks back. Now I'm stressing at 110#.
My arms feel like pipe cleaners...
I wasn't even taking Saw Palmetto!

Other moves, like a step-up, felt foreign, and I felt weak. It was almost like I've got NO testosterone - which would be a good thing if I were thin and young. ;-)
Since I'm 40 and working to destroy the belly bulge? Not so much.

And as I've written, the relationship isn't really worth preserving, to me. Just a mess, and she's not capable of the self-development needed to grow up. She wants the perks of being the man, but cannot perform the groundwork. E.G., planning, acting without considering "feelings," etc.
Latest problems are a persistent cough leading to complete incontinence, and sleeping on the couch because she can't sleep flat on a bed.
What's in it for me? Intimacy, no; sex, no; even an enjoyable personality, NO.

But I wore a Genie bra to work today... And I have taken it off at this point. (Too obvious for my comfort right now. Is that a "feelings" thing? )
And I'm not bothering with work, which at the moment isn't a surprise. (Reports. Bah)

But I'm worried that I should be building my Testosterone, actually.
I still want to have a life - get out and meet women, maybe form a real relationship. If the fatigue is due to T being too low, I'm in for a hell of a time! Bone loss, strength loss, libido, etc. Not willing to accept that. And most girls, unfortunately, don't want a man with breasts... So I've got that in my head, too.

Counseling is less and less feasible, given the creeping state's influence - just not safe.

And since I took off the Genie, I feel "free," for lack of a better term.

I know there are massive changes coming in life, but since I nailed the week of "being the VP," I'd hoped things would be and stay positive (meaning, in my head) for a while.
Instead, I'm faking affections and feeling like a pussy, pardon my bluntness. And it's not a simple thing, like the girl at the next squat cage lifting 3X what I am - this is stuff NO ONE should be struggling with - french curl (triceps extension), using barbel @ 50#. Step-ups with a frickin' WOODEN STAFF (I made that concession to ensure decent form - and almost fell!)

My identity seems to be coming apart here. Masculine or feminine, I'm developing the worst traits of each, and I don't know how to correct it! And I don't know how I might've caused it, either.

Anyone have suggestions?

-Dianna

[JennaFae]

Dianna, sorry to hear of your struggles. If it's any consolation many of your points are a reality for me as well. At some point, we have to soul search and take a stand. Many of the adjustments that I have to make are scary and they bring about a sad, lonely feeling as well. On the other hand it brings about a happiness and a sense of freedom. Keep up the fight and know that you are not alone . One day at a time! Hope this helps. Sincerely,

JennaFae xx

[Happyme]

Hi Dianna,
It sounds like you actually know the answers to your dilemma.
You need to do a little detox for a month or so. Let the body come back to what its supposed to be doing vice the herbals diving it.
Fat/weight gains are more than likely linked to your herb regimen, so once again detox and try to get back some of your strength. I doubt you will lose much breast size, but it will come back. Plus you need to have your male brain functioning to deal with the rest of lifes challenges.
And then you need to gracefully exit your relationship. It doesnt seem to be your cup of tea. Too many things are causing you tension.
Late last year you were going to end it. And think all here would agree thats it the best choice for YOU.
Try a little meditation and ask for help from with in, see what happens.
I'm pullin for ya.
Bobbi

[Billie]

I have success with arm strength. Do many reps with low weights.

[Dianna1395]

Hello,
I wanted to answer a few questions and update here.

I'm using a detox tea to hopefully help things along. Don't know that's the problem, I'm shooting blind....

The fat has accumulated from a ton of excess food, and some bad drinking (Whiskey Long Island Iced tea = YUM! But 3 oz of brown liquors, high in sugar, + sour mix + a liqueur = a LOT of sugar = LOTS of insulin = Fat Storage)

I haven't been taking any herbs...
I'm stressed, that's a negative, but... Is it the cause?

As to the woman, I keep delaying telling her I want out, there's just so much on the plate, and so much happening, so fast... I hope to handle it soon, but it will make for a difficult living situation for almost 6 months. But I'm at the point, I'd rather be alone than with her. So... It has to happen.

Lastly, I had a HELL of a morning, but bear with me:
Overslept an hour, then missed a bus (I didn't know it would come by, I could've made it); then, the bus I'd planned to catch was late; then took almost 25 minutes to get to train station - normally a 5 minute drive, and a 20-30 minute walk... And called in to my morning conference call at earliest chance, and - I'd missed it. They started early, and ended early. And, I'd called late to what I thought was the start time, because I couldn't even get to my phone on the train - stuffed in like sardines! And then, a station early, I ended up walking in - signal or power problems stopped the train. And Starbucks for breakfast be4cause that's faster than cooking my oatmeal, right? But 15 minutes there, WAITING for my coffee, because mobile orders have priority! So my normal 7:45 arrival was more like 8:30 or later. (There's no smiley for this, so just imagine a Psychotic Smiley button here. :-D )
But, THE final "funny" thing about it is - I FEEL BETTER! My muscles needed that time, I guess, that sleep. So, stressed, sure, but can only laugh at it and move on.

Which jives well with higher estrogen in the body...
And would also explain the, "I _FEEL_ like a woman," sensations. Feeling the breasts, feeling the energy in there, wanting attention there, and "the equipment works" but I don't really care, I'm having issues thinking "Male" in that sense and fantasizing, the "visual" aspect is just... Gone.
And yes, I'm wearing one of my sports bras today, to keep things under control. But I now GET why a woman's FIRST action on getting home is often to take her bra off!

It's funny, it really is.

Now, supposedly, women like sex even more than men. Meaning, the body is wired so that sex is even more addictive, more WANTED, but the dopamine flows even without sex - just the attention and emotion is supposedly "enough," with "the act" being secondary. (Video Games provide similar unpredictable dopamine hits; with woman's mind, this works with Facebook, Twitter, etc. WRT Likes, reposts, etc. Consummating things is secondary, the "cock tease" concept, from male perspective.)
ANYWAY - long way around to framing this:
Man has higher sex drive. Woman gets more pleasure. Both have possibility of an addiction, right?
But what if they're in the same body? Woman is essentially "passive" or the receiver in this model, while man is active.
This means a male body with female mind will have the ability to "handle" the wants of the mind, using their own body... They follow the sensations, seeking "release" from the male drive, and also find "completion" as a woman would from receiving....
So it's all screwed up. Both drives weave together, and there's neither masculine nor feminine left, in a sense... You end up fully "apart" from most people. Meaning, others can't comprehend, even if they'll talk about it. (Add in that we're "above the average" for this time of life, I.E. older than a teenager going through puberty...? Not many people to talk to anyway!)

I just perceive that a male sex drive + a woman's response to sex = a LOT of issues AGAINST forming a "normal" relationship, and that just throws even more of a mess into the stew.

(See http://www.returnofkings.com/78898/9-sec...-of-cancer, point #4, for part of the basis of my male/female concept. This journey, given these splits, is really ugly. Have to see the underbelly of both sides, somehow, and I can't get past the dichotomy there. Men can suck, I know - I have "Daddy issues" too, since Dad was an authoritarian @$$hole his entire life - and I didn't like the "other boys" because, well, they were the same. Which leads back to being TG or even TS, and then that, plus my misconceptions, makes sense why I never had any close friends, including girls. The girls think you're a guy, the guys think you're a sissy, and you're there saying, "I'm doing the best I can, and I don't fit in anywhere! And I hate masculinity because they're angry, aggressive, abusive - but the girls are nasty bitches!" Because we're on the outside of both. Good analogy is the White Wolf Werewolf concept: A foot in the world of man, a foot in the world of Wolf, but no home in either.)

I wonder about the "too smart for your own good" idea sometimes. The people I've met here, and on the other online sites, are generally a standard deviation or more higher in IQ than the "general populous." I'm just below MENSA. And there's a HUGE problem dealing with people who are dumb or dense, and can't accept that they are. (The woman being a key example. She's a secretary. High-level, but still "just' a secretary. I'm an AVP - yet somehow, she thinks the title should allow me to come and go as I want, and that our jobs are comparable. Given that secretary by any name is a vanishing concept, but my role as a performance engineer diagnosing and tuning systems, plus the coaching/management role, is still important...? Yeah, I'm a project manager, coder, QA, technician, wordsmith, AND secretary for me and my team. I'm the go-to person. She's the go-to when you need a meeting with the VP or AVP or Director. Hmmm.... Ego. But our jobs are "the same" in her mind, WRT position, social standing, effort, etc.)
There are books on this... I've got a few on my Amazon wishlist, to try and deal with things... But there are only so many hours in the day, and so few dollars in the account, so - they sit and wait. ;-) :-P

Anyway - need to get back to work. Should be a good day from here out, except I have to compete a report for testing we've not completed yet...

-Dianna

[VergeOfDiscovery]

Re: I have success with arm strength. Do many reps with low weights.

I second that. It's amazing what a couple of cheap, lightweight dumbells can do.

You develop somewhat impressive arms while not completely destroying whatever rack you might be sporting. It feels good. It burns calories. And tends to get positive reactions from both sexes.