[Katie]

I`m writting this in anger/tears/sadness and half a bottle of port down me and it`s only just turned noon.

I`v had to have a Purge
the Super sad part I think is that Today is the day my Estrogen and Blockers are to be delivered.
I`m having Wife trouble here, one min she`s Supper suportive the next she`s acting like a real asshole, and mentioning things like how she stays up all night crying, where will she go if things don`t work out etc... real Mountain out of molehill stuff!
She even admits that herself, and seems to obsess on Worst case ideas and really runs with them. 18.5 years married and be damned if I`m going to be the one to ruin our marriage! so I`v had a purge, packed Everything away, given back all the stuff we share, removed all the "My little Pony" stuff that I`v collected over the years or been given (by her) as gifts, basically Anything fem or even slightly fem that may remind me of what and who I really am.
Everything has Gone!

I`v no idea What I`m going to do without "meds", I`v already been off them for a week with only 300mg/day of PM to keep me going (it doesn`t work), and already armpit smell is returning, I feel flat emotionally like life doesn`t have much color again and although the anger issues I used to have before haven`t returned, I can`t help but feel there`s only a thin vaneer between me and that T fueled creature

I don`t know Why I`v purged exactly, it`s crossed my mind a few times during an argument, she INSISTS! I don`t do it, but she went out today impromptu, so I purged anyway.
It`s the only thing I haven`t tried yet RE our marriage, and now she`s pulling up Old stuff (long before I even knew Myself who I was) and connecting that to this???
like being trans is the new scapegoat for all that ails her, she`s a regular for blaming everyone else when she`s in error, and even when proven in error, her next line of defence is "Well so-and-so is even Worse than me and blah blah blah....".

I really don`t know where I`m going with this right now, I just really needed to get this down in front of my eyes and not all in my head.

I`m Not very unhappy right now, but I love her so much and cannot hurt her (or anyone for that matter) just so that I can be happy or get what I want.
I have "Man Up!" (again) I guess, maybe another 30 years ought to do it?
Hell that would only make me 79!

But then the next minute, she`s so Happy that I actually go out shopping with her now, or enjoy "chick flicks", she`ll come back with a new blouse or dress for me or maybe some make-up or a hair accesories?
Spend the evening with her head in my lap watching X-Files while I`m dressed in long pink T shirt with hearts on it, toanails painted, and stroking my leg saying how smooth they still are from the last epilate session???
Talk about Mixed signals!

75% of the time it`s all positive supportive and loving, 20% of the time it`s indiferent, 5% it`s like "I WILL DIVORCE YOU NEXT WEEK (if I could only figure out How to go about it)".

she moans about the fact that I`v changed somewhat, and yet when asked if they are Good ways she says yes?
I offer an alternate view, "Do you want me back the way I was?" she`s like Are you F*(king kidding me! face, crossed with a Hell-No.

Constantly asking me if I`v had "morning wood" and I`m like Nope, I expalined Asexual to her the other night and she gets it, but now she`s thinking about My parents (My dad`s dead now) and how they never slept together in the latter decade (not illness related), and she worries about that.
shes got a Super High sex drive, I never did but could certainly manage a session or 2 per day when I was younger, and it`s gotten less as I got older, been to the docs several years ago with E.D. even.
so it`s not like I Don`t have a history of low sex drive, it`s just that at that time I was drinking a lot because my dad was dying and under Way too much stress (for me at least), so a boner wasn`t A #1 priority!
I went on a diet and for a while at least Function did return, mentally... yeah, the Bits work but my head just isn`t that interested.
She then blames herself and puts on another 20+ kilo *sigh* yeah, honey, that`s Really Sexy!
and so the problem casscades.

Both been on diets now, and lost Significant weight, she`s in sizes that she`s not been in since pre puberty (she`s always been "Large), and she`s very happy to be down this low, and even requires a new wardrobe
I`m cutting this all Very short but it`s been my 3`rd attempt with her and this time she`s listening, and indeed Happy.

well, happy that is with the One thing, not sure what the smeg is going on with everything else!?

So I guess it`s Out with all that`s Good about me, and back to Acting again (I seriously hope I remember How, after having a glimpse of the Good side and how well hormones make me feel).

I`m sure I`ll muddle through it.

[Dana Mantra Eon]

Sorry there's so much shit Katie. Sigh... I've been dating a girl for six years. I love her, and I don't want to hurt her. I know I can't understand an 18.5 year marriage, but I at least know what it means to not want my transition to destroy something. But the thing is, I'm undecided. I don't know what to do yet.

You sound like you know what to do. Granted, I could be wrong, but that's just the vibe I get. There's this writing trope called "stasis equals death" and it basically means that when the hero of a story knows what they need, but won't make any move towards it, then they're basically dead already. It's like that moment when Luke's looking at the two suns on Tatooine. That moment hits hard for two reasons 1. John Freakin' Williams 2. We as the audience know that if Luke doesn't get out of his crappy one-horse moisture farm life, things are pretty much over. From what it sounds like with what's going on with you; you're having that kind of moment.

Can't make a decision for you, but I don't want you to be unhappy for the rest of your life because you don't want collateral damage. There's this quote from Reanimator that's always stuck with me for some reason. "Birth is always painful."

[jannet.duff]

Oh Katie Hon, I know exactly how you feel right now. I am going through exactly the same trauma. ( I don't know how badly you purged, but I would strongly suggest just putting everything in a suitcase and placing it in a location that's not easy to get to without some effort. A few here will tell you, once you have enjoyed the fruits of the femside it's almost impossible to shut that door and walk away. Oh I am sure you can do it for a few weeks, possibly a few months but her voice will always be in the distance, letting you know how badly you miss her. )

I am hearing and getting the same vibes from my wife, sometimes supportive, and bringing home clothes for me ( using some of my tops and going out with her friends ) the next minute she is all quite and moody going on about how being Jannet is ripping us apart. ( she loves the male me, but hates Jannet ) I'm married 28 years now with two sons still living at home. I managed to get myself so wound up a few months ago I ended up at the hospital to talk to a crisis worker, I was so very close to just ending it. In the cold light of day, I have come to realize that this is who I am. I know that if I continue we will need to sell our house and move. Its going to be my wife's decision whether we buy another house with two separate entrances or two separate houses. ( it's been made quite clear she will not share a bad, and cannot love Jannet ). It breaks my heart to feel like this, I love her more and more every day, but I also love her enough to know that if I purge everything I cannot guarantee that these feeling will not come back in time. ( I am 54 years old btw ). I have been offered HRT meds by my therapist, but have elected to hold off till my youngest son has left school. Presently, we are cleaning out junk that seems to accumulate in 20+ years of marriage, cleaning and painting, with the possibility of selling the house during the summer. This is not something I am doing lightly, it's not something I want to do ...it's something I need to do.

I do hope that you find balance, it's a very hard decision we make, no matter what the direction. Of you need somebody to talk to, let me know and I will send you my Facebook account information. ( I'm in Canada btw )

[Dianna1395]

Hi, Katie.
I can understand where you're at. I've dropped hints and feelers with everyone I've ever dated, and only one was even remotely receptive (and the ideas didn't include transition, but she wanted a normal family life. Which is sort of out of scope for us, I fear.)

I've found that the more we get yanked around by our emotions (read: Her emotions, and our reaction to them), the less we are able to be ourselves. This is not a Trans* thing, either. It's a "man" response to a woman's emotions. When she's "leaking," we did something wrong, we need to fix it.

DON'T fix it. Don't even react. That's actually what she's looking for! To destabilize you.
In the Manosphere context, it's a "shit test." She's checking how strong you are as a man. And even if you're a woman inside, she doesn't see it that way. Never will, from that perspective. Her eyes see "man," her reptilian hindbrain makes her test to see how safe she is.
They've always done it, and always will. I firmly believe if we cross the gender barrier, we will do the same. ;-)
It's also not conscious, so talking about it fairly pointless. Further talking to a genetic woman who isn't exceptionally high IQ, or exceptionally logical or analytical, is going to do nothing piss her off (it'll be seen as a personal attack.)

So there's that. As a man, you can't react to her. As a woman, WOULD YOU react to her this way? Or would you commiserate and share the experience and bond by talking?
It's like the complain there is a "double standard" for women. No! There is ONE standard for women. And another standard for men. We've spent our lives trying to meet that "Man" standard. Maybe achieved to some extent, maybe failed completely, but mostly been driven half-mad by it. Because we're not meant to MEET that standard. We're wired to meet the other standard....
Men and women aren't in the same race, if you will.
We, in the mean time, are doing a three-legged race, Man + Woman side, each hobbling the other.

It means you're sensitive to her needs, but misread what she actually is asking for. (Not to be upset, so are a LOT of males who want to be Men.) But we're also not wired to give her what she needs. We listen to her words and give her what she wants. Then she's unhappy....

TL;DR: Your purge shows she can control you. You're not a man she can respect, so she'll grow to resent you. And she can't just move on. So you didn't gain anything with this, though I understand it.

End 1.

[Dianna1395]

Continuing....
New thoughts, so this keeps it separate.

Your meds arrive today or tomorrow, you KEEP THEM AND USE THEM AS NEEDED.
This is for YOU right now. Don't muck it up.
This is to honor who you are, and for your personal growth. You're laying the foundation of your life here. Can't NOT do that - otherwise you'll always be unstable. House built on sand, right?

Odd bit about your parents; mine did the same thing. My father moved upstairs in the new house, and he essentially never came down. Not sure why. He slept in the Guest bedroom, had his office / smoking room, and didn't even want my mother to come upstairs to clean.

This parallels something else I've read though, that men and women don't really belong together like we are now. There's no male space. When a woman comes into a male space, it changes dramatically. Like the test mentioned before, men change their behavior automatically.
Yet women get their own special spaces, still....

I wonder if my father would've had fewer issues if he could've found a group of guys to hang out with. But he always wanted to be the lecturer, the teacher, worshiped for his wisdom and knowledge.... Doesn't work that way.
I wonder though if the constant interaction with the opposite sex gets to us. Think it through: Women get ego gratification and attention in a mixed group; they get similar in the same-sex group. But men get some adulation and camaraderie in an all-male group. Not in a mixed group.... They end up competing. And with women in the workforce, and in the government, and in the universities, and in the ... - well, men never get out of mixed-sex environments. So some essentials of manliness are lost. And women gain, too.

Back to topic, I understand the issues, and I think perhaps some alone time is necessary. Just take some time while she's out and meditate. Or even do a hypnosis on Youtube, or something. You first need to calm down, and get back to the "man" aspect of being logical. Don't run on emotion, it'll make you stupid things. (Purging is a sort of example, but I was thinking far more stupid and destructive. Speeding into a wall, for example.)

You need to relax and release some stress.

Then, you need to play the integration game. Integrate certain things back into your daily life, in a planned transition. Think of it as transitioning socially. You're putting out your MLP things for display, because that's part of who you are. For example. And she doesn't object, from what you've said. Make it a curio display - very feminine! ;-)

And from there, you start to control YOUR emotions, and you still have a locus and monument to who and what you are. If not MLP, find some other anchor. For me, for years, it was weapons and music. Think a Bard/Warrior multi-class D&D character. Best I can manage, though I'm not a musician. I just loved to hear and feel it. then, the blades become a dance. For me, all of that is missing now. So in a sense, I understand exactly where you are: I've got ALL of me hidden. My music, my blades (she thinks they should be hanging on the wall. Display only.) My feminine aspects cannot come out, either.
So now - I resent HER. I've been taking care of her needs (which she neither sees nor acknowledges) at great cost to me (literally, family, friends, injuries, and bankruptcy and repossession and foreclosure, and then buying new cars, and most recently, setting up health insurance so she had coverage for a heart surgery. Not major, an arrhythmia they fixed with arthroscopic cauterization.) All of this eats into my income. It's at least a $10,000 debt right now. Plus the $6,000 we already had from her medical issues LAST time.

Which loops me back to the first reply; you might want to read it if you skipped ahead.
Be an asshole. Be a MAN. Be her "dream" man who just doesn't give a F@(#. Don't let her control you, or you'll just get more drama, and be taken advantage of.

I know it's painful. I suggest it for only a few necessary moments now and again, not for all time like i've had to do. But keep you and her under control this way. Don't engage, and there's no drama dance.
But don't change who you are at your core, either.

Please note: This is also why men have their "man caves." And you probably know, you're not the only (wo)man that has a collection of MLP. ;-) So it can be your Man-Cave or Fairy Princess Castle, and you'll be better off mentally either way.

Be strong for a bit. These things pass. Purging always leads back to a binge. This makes things LESS stable - think of a bicycle, you can wiggle the wheel a bit - and it makes riding fun. But if you keep adding more wiggle, you wreck, right?
So don't let the wiggle control things, take control*, and steer four female self out into the light - however far that is.


*: Again - she's testing you. Difference is, SHE KNOWS you're not strong enough to resist - BECAUSE you're feminine inside. And SHE is YOU. Can't win against yourself, so you have to control her.... ;-)

-Dianna

[Dianna1395]

Last short reply:
Take a look for some TG fiction and non-fiction,it will help both you and her. Release into a dream for you, maybe some learning for her. Maybe even something you could get kinky with in the long run, but I won't toss that out on the forum. Google is your friend (though it will record the search for later. ;-) )

[dcdee]

Katie, I will keep it short.
I have been there, done that and got a couple of stinkin' t-shirts and a divorce to prove it.
The best thing i can do is offer you a shoulder to cry on, here or privately.
My thoughts and prayers are with you,

Christina

[elainecd]

This is why I'm in such a dilemma.
There are some strong reasons for not letting my wife of 22 years (my third) know
about Elaine. Even though she really likes two lesbian couples and a gay couple we have as friends and on the surface would seem supportive.

Her second husband left her for another guy back in the late eighties. He did do her wrong as a person ....for instance taking money to pay a car loan but not paying it (repoed) and totally not helping with a child they had.

We have had some fights about my lack of drive as a man and such, even going as far as to saying she's leaving.....which would resolve my problem without having to out myself.

Such a situation we're in. But like others here I take the pM, i feed the inner femme and hope one day I'll be free without hurting anyone.

Good luck in your journey, you're not alone ...and i'm afraid Christina is right.
I know if we had the internet and the ability to come to forums like this.....I'd be single today.....and probably transitioned.

[AbiDrew85]

I know if we had the internet and the ability to come to forums like this.....I'd be single today.....and probably transitioned.

Or at least with someone who knew from the start and was supportive all along.

I'm out, though not technically in real transition right now despite living full time as the woman I believe myself to be, and have a supportive boyfriend who I'm living with. So being single is NOT inevitable for us.

Though hurting people when we come out may be... sadly. I hurt a number of people when I came out. Mostly my family. Most of my old "friends" have mostly forgotten the old me it seems, and we hadn't been in touch when I came out, so I didn't feel a need to let them know what happened to me.

Despite the name change being a matter of public record, none have hunted me down yet either except one, and he doesn't really talk with me despite that. Funny thing is, he originally friended me on FB under my new name because he thought my old name had married me. LOL! He'd had no idea until I outed myself to him. He was okay with it once I explained it, and hasn't unfriended me, but we don't talk either. I still find it funny he'd think the old me even capable of seriously courting a woman, let alone marrying her. While I now know I am bi, while trying to pass as a man, I was seriously relationship-phobic.

[elainecd]

You're a brave gurl Abi.