First I must apologize for this, but I have no one else to share this with and I'm at my wits end. Secondly, I'm not an unstable person, and would not do something drastic. With that being said...
I have come to a realization, happiness is but a dream, it is not real, and it is time for me to wake up. I'm deluding myself that I will ever find peace or obtain happiness. That is just not in my cards. Never had the desire for me to have never been born been stronger than now. At least that way I wouldn't being going through any of this, and there would be no chance of my potentially hurting anyone else.
So I tested the waters today, much further than I've ever gone before. I so badly wanted to talk about what I'm going through, I wanted to be able to have someone close to me know and understand what I'm going through. The desire and urge was so strong. It's the longing to be open with someone, someone like me. But I don't know anyone else like me. I know, I know Tanya, I'm sure there are others, you've already proven that. That's completely beside the point, I don't have it here. I don't want to go to a group, I just need someone like me to connect with that understands.
Oops, went off on a tangent, focus... Right so I was folding my clothes when the Mrs. came home. I didn't bother hiding my panties since she already found them. She gave me a hard time about them, and I argued back that I had been wearing them for a while. She said it was different now because these are ACTUALLY women's underwear. I told her that they were just a lot more comfortable and I really liked them. She said in an ugly tone that I was trying to become a woman. I told her she wasn't this vocal about it before when I wore slinky male underwear. She said that was before, when I didn't look like I had breasts. I said and what's wrong with that? Is that really so bad? I told her that are plenty of worse vices I could have. I'm not a drunk, I don't do drugs, I don't beat on her or the kids, I'm for the most part a good person. She didn't say anything after that. I felt a bit bad for instigating the situation so I went to give her a kiss. Of course she complained cause she had just put on her lipstick, so I went to gently kiss her neck. She told me to stop, I asked why, she said because I'm wearing women's underwear. I said seriously and I stormed off.
She tried to be sorry about it, but the damage was done and I shutdown. Defenses were back up, and I was cold as ice. I stayed that way for the rest of the evening. She tried to be all sweet and loving to me, but I wouldn't let go of the pain from earlier. Things are okay again, like they always go. Back to status quo of sorts.
So I fear she will never understand, she will never fully get me. Which isn't fully fair because I get her, I understand her, I know her inside and out. Because that's what I do. I observe and learn. I'm pretty good and picking things apart, it's probably what makes me pretty good at my job. But after all these years, she still hasn't bothered to learn me.
So I ask myself, is it fair for me to hurt her like this? Is it fair to hurt my children over this, is it fair to hurt my parents over this? Probably not. I mean, honestly, I didn't even fully understand me. I knew I was different, I knew I was not like everyone else, but I figured that maybe it was just all in my head. Maybe I am just a tad bit looney.
I fear I am approaching a crossroads, and a decision will have to be made. Do I continue and pursue my happiness and deal with the consequences when they arrive, or do I nip this now, and forever be alone in my own imagination without a friend in the world who knows me, understands me and accepts me for who and what I am. Unfortunately I fear it to be the latter. My happiness I may have to forgo, but like I said, it is just a dream, one from which I must awake. I sure could use a shoulder to cry on right about about now... guess my pillow will have to do. Screen, is really fuzzy now... Guess it is time to sleep. Goodnight all, see you in the morning.
Sincerely,
Fire And Ice
I have come to a realization, happiness is but a dream, it is not real, and it is time for me to wake up. I'm deluding myself that I will ever find peace or obtain happiness. That is just not in my cards. Never had the desire for me to have never been born been stronger than now. At least that way I wouldn't being going through any of this, and there would be no chance of my potentially hurting anyone else.
So I tested the waters today, much further than I've ever gone before. I so badly wanted to talk about what I'm going through, I wanted to be able to have someone close to me know and understand what I'm going through. The desire and urge was so strong. It's the longing to be open with someone, someone like me. But I don't know anyone else like me. I know, I know Tanya, I'm sure there are others, you've already proven that. That's completely beside the point, I don't have it here. I don't want to go to a group, I just need someone like me to connect with that understands.
Oops, went off on a tangent, focus... Right so I was folding my clothes when the Mrs. came home. I didn't bother hiding my panties since she already found them. She gave me a hard time about them, and I argued back that I had been wearing them for a while. She said it was different now because these are ACTUALLY women's underwear. I told her that they were just a lot more comfortable and I really liked them. She said in an ugly tone that I was trying to become a woman. I told her she wasn't this vocal about it before when I wore slinky male underwear. She said that was before, when I didn't look like I had breasts. I said and what's wrong with that? Is that really so bad? I told her that are plenty of worse vices I could have. I'm not a drunk, I don't do drugs, I don't beat on her or the kids, I'm for the most part a good person. She didn't say anything after that. I felt a bit bad for instigating the situation so I went to give her a kiss. Of course she complained cause she had just put on her lipstick, so I went to gently kiss her neck. She told me to stop, I asked why, she said because I'm wearing women's underwear. I said seriously and I stormed off.
She tried to be sorry about it, but the damage was done and I shutdown. Defenses were back up, and I was cold as ice. I stayed that way for the rest of the evening. She tried to be all sweet and loving to me, but I wouldn't let go of the pain from earlier. Things are okay again, like they always go. Back to status quo of sorts.
So I fear she will never understand, she will never fully get me. Which isn't fully fair because I get her, I understand her, I know her inside and out. Because that's what I do. I observe and learn. I'm pretty good and picking things apart, it's probably what makes me pretty good at my job. But after all these years, she still hasn't bothered to learn me.
So I ask myself, is it fair for me to hurt her like this? Is it fair to hurt my children over this, is it fair to hurt my parents over this? Probably not. I mean, honestly, I didn't even fully understand me. I knew I was different, I knew I was not like everyone else, but I figured that maybe it was just all in my head. Maybe I am just a tad bit looney.
I fear I am approaching a crossroads, and a decision will have to be made. Do I continue and pursue my happiness and deal with the consequences when they arrive, or do I nip this now, and forever be alone in my own imagination without a friend in the world who knows me, understands me and accepts me for who and what I am. Unfortunately I fear it to be the latter. My happiness I may have to forgo, but like I said, it is just a dream, one from which I must awake. I sure could use a shoulder to cry on right about about now... guess my pillow will have to do. Screen, is really fuzzy now... Guess it is time to sleep. Goodnight all, see you in the morning.
Sincerely,
Fire And Ice