[Sofia Bunny]

So I may have decided to make the switch to HRT a bit prematurely. A large part of my decision to switch was due to three Blood Tests revealing my triglycerides and VLD were high. I hadn't had an issue before and the only thing different was all the varying herbs I have been taking. So it could be the herbs, it could just be genetics, could be age, I don't know, since I didn't get a baseline in regards to my blood work.

I posted that I was planning on taking a break from everything for at least a month and retest to see how all my levels are. My hope is to confirm or eliminate if my elevated levels are due to something in my NBE regiment.

Meanwhile I was researching HRT all the pros and cons etc. Honestly this wasn't something I had considered before, as things were going well for me physically and mentally. After everything I researched and reviewed, I decided that perhaps HRT would be better for me and wouldn't involve my taking so many pills and experimentations trying to find the right combination that worked best for me. I was also hoping for better clarity in regards to exactly where I sit on the TG spectrum.

I feel as though I am right on that border between male and female, perhaps resulting in my being neither. I have taken those online profile tests and for what it's worth I am in the middle. From what I have read, apparently those that fall in the middle should not make the transition regarding SRS. Supposedly it could be harmful psychologically making that permanent change. Maybe? Maybe not?

Being on NBE has opened me back up to my softer side. It has provided for me balance and stability. I am happier, and enjoy who I am and what has developed. I don't have to fight that constant urge for self gratification. I feel free, and in control of myself!

So what's the problem? I still have not told my spouse. Every time I attempt to, I feel thwarted and it usually ends in disaster. Unfortunately my wife has inadvertently taught me that most of the time it is better to ask forgiveness than permission. Due to keeping secrets from my wife, I inadvertently pushed her away. She did not see my softer more loving side because I did not want her to find out what I was wearing beneath my clothing. Recently she found my rather large stash of panties. Yes, she was bothered by it, and alluded that there was something wrong with me, but it was one less thing that I was now keeping from her. It was a relief for me and felt good.

So of my own accord, I later revealed to her that it was more than just the panties and the camisoles (she had already suspected my "tank top" undershirts were not meant for guys). I told her and showed her my night gowns, and much more feminine camisoles that I had. Again, she was upset and bothered by it. She didn't appreciate it or understand why I chose to wear all of that. I told her because I loved the way it made me feel. Again she hinted that this wasn't normal. Surprisingly, it wasn't a drawn out fight as it would have possibly been in the past.

A little more recently I painted my toenails a lovely lilac color. I haven't posted pictures here, but those that have been to the chatroom have seen them. I wanted this to be noticed as soon as possible, so the next evening, I purposely laid in bed with my feet above the covers as we were watching TV. It took her a little while but she noticed. Again, she was not pleased, she was a bit upset again and bothered by it. But she "seemed" to get over it as we continued watching whatever it was we were watching at the time.

The other night, I wanted to express my affections for her. I snuggled up with her and gave her a nice warm hug as we laid in bed. She shrugged me off. I wanted to think it was because she was working, but I had a feeling that it was something else. So I inquired what was wrong. She told me she did not appreciate what I was doing with myself. I asked her what did it matter? I asked her if she's noticed that I've been more loving and affectionate towards her. She said yes, but what did that have to do with what I was doing. I told her because I was happy with what I was wearing, and that I wasn't hiding it from her anymore. I told her that I had a lot to atone for having distanced myself from her in recent years. She didn't say anything else, and let me hold her.

So what's holding me back from bringing everything out into the open? Mostly fear of the unknown. As well as I know my wife, things could go very wrong very quickly. I also don't want to lose what little ground I have gained. I also don't want to lose my spouse, nor do I want to lose my family. So if my wife is angry enough, should could potentially out me to my parents, and what little friends I have. That is not something I ready to deal with, nor do I want to deal with. She has gone behind my back before to complain to my mom about me, as well as a few close mutual friends. So I don't know to what extent she would be accepting of what I have to tell her. If is unfair to her what is going on with me. I don't know why I have to make things so damn complex.

I have noticed recently that we don't fight and argue as much. For a while there it was pretty bad and felt as though things were escalating to the point I wasn't sure we would make it. Right now things are nice, it feels like old times. I am reminded why I got married in the first place.

So if I tell her and she will have nothing to do with it or me if I continue, then do I stop and sacrifice my happiness so that she is comfortable with me. In doing so, do I risk bringing back all the ugliness that was there driving a new wedge between us that will eventually tear us apart? Will I snap and eventually breakdown mentally and potentially cause myself harm? I don't know, too many variables, too many unknowns, and a myriad of possible outcomes.

I do know this, eventually these secrets will again begin to tear away at my very fiber and I will lose whatever little ground I have been able to achieve. Things may potentially go back to my being closed off to her and cause a greater rift in our relationship. Our heated arguments may spark back up and things will just be chaotic again. I know I need to strike while the iron's hot, but I am afraid. I feel either direction or decision I make could be very disastrous. Either way I feel that I stand to lose a great deal. I know, I know, I can't have it all, as much as I try and push for it, it just isn't possible. Something, somewhere will have to give. Perhaps we will find a middle ground that will work for the both of us. I just don't know, I am so lost and confused. Knowing what needs to be done is easy, acting on what needs to be done feels like an impossibility.

[The First Aria]

You and I are in a similar boat. For many of the same reasons. I truly wonder how many more of "us" are in the same boat?

20 yrs ago, my wife and I could talk about anything, and I mean anything... But since I had my heart problems, she started out VERY protective of me. To the point of smothering me.

But, that has changed over the last 10 yrs to where we hardly ever kiss or snuggle anymore. That was the main reason I didn't want to be so blatant about how I felt or wanted to do. But, it has gotten to the point that I quit denying what I was doing when she said or asked about "things".

Maybe that is the key for me? Quit denying, dancing around the issue? Perhaps, that will open another chapter and not close the book. I can only ponder and hope so.

I wish you luck.

[julieTG]

or you could just slow it down ?

HRT would be the worst thing I think, but that is my opinion only of course

Julie

[jannet.duff]

If I had not taken myself to hospital, for fear of doing myself self harm. Like you, I would still be sitting on the sideline, wondering. I hope your inner troubles do not take you as far as I ended up going. It's a dark place. Luckly for me my wife accepted that the Dr wanted me on HRT to resolve my inner strugles. However, it should be said, nothing is all sunshine and rainbows here either. I am still presenting as male, for my employment and my family. My wife hates what she sees, and is most defintely not looking forward to me NEEDING to wear a bra. I really wish you luck on sitting down and explaining to you wife how you feel you need to go forward. It really is not an easy talk. But in the end, you are really the only person who can make this decision, and have to live with the consequences.

[dcdee]

You and I are in a similar boat. For many of the same reasons. I truly wonder how many more of "us" are in the same boat?

I am in that boat as well. It will probably VERY crowded if everyone who is in the same situation climbs in.

My wife does tolerate a lot of the feminization I have done. It is a tacit acceptance as we do not talk about it, unless I have crossed a line she has drawn, which i say I won't cross again, but eventually do.

[jannet.duff]

You and I are in a similar boat. For many of the same reasons. I truly wonder how many more of "us" are in the same boat?

I am in that boat as well. It will probably VERY crowded if everyone who is in the same situation climbs in.

My wife does tolerate a lot of the feminization I have done. It is a tacit acceptance as we do not talk about it, unless I have crossed a line she has drawn, which i say I won't cross again, but eventually do.

I suspect it's more or rubbing that imaginary line out, and inching it forward, a little at a time. Giving our spouses time to get used to the changes

[julieTG]

Perhaps this is simple

HRT is the path to transition full, but not always,

so

Only go on HRT if you have too, ie like Janet,

if your struggles break you, then you have no choice, your body is making the decision not you, so HRT it is,

but if its a mental decision and you could do without HRT ie herbs can do same job and can live without HRT , then dont,

Your not fully open with your wife and she will almost certainly be pissed with HRT as thats a different ball game, but many wifes do accept that to save the mental state HRT is essential,

Julie

[Sofia Bunny]

You and I are in a similar boat. For many of the same reasons. I truly wonder how many more of "us" are in the same boat?

20 yrs ago, my wife and I could talk about anything, and I mean anything... But since I had my heart problems, she started out VERY protective of me. To the point of smothering me.

But, that has changed over the last 10 yrs to where we hardly ever kiss or snuggle anymore. That was the main reason I didn't want to be so blatant about how I felt or wanted to do. But, it has gotten to the point that I quit denying what I was doing when she said or asked about "things".

Maybe that is the key for me? Quit denying, dancing around the issue? Perhaps, that will open another chapter and not close the book. I can only ponder and hope so.

I wish you luck.

Thank you iaboy for your insight, I appreciate it! I believe for me, not denying things was key. In the past when confronted about this or that I would beat around the bush, joke around, and not really give a straight answer to the point she would be frustrated with me, and would lead to arguments. Lately when she confronted me about me underwear, I didn't deny it, I didn't joke around, I was straight to the point, and while slightly uncomfortable for a minute, there wasn't a long drawn out battle. That's kind of why I was open about my choice of sleepwear, I wanted to test the waters to see how she would react. Again, uncomfortable for a few minutes, but not a long drawn out battle.

I think that's what has me contemplating this now more than ever, is that a small part of me is hoping that maybe there is a slim chance in hell that she would be somewhat partially okay with the who I am.

[Sofia Bunny]

or you could just slow it down ?

HRT would be the worst thing I think, but that is my opinion only of course

Julie

Perhaps this is simple

HRT is the path to transition full, but not always,

so

Only go on HRT if you have too, ie like Janet,

if your struggles break you, then you have no choice, your body is making the decision not you, so HRT it is,

but if its a mental decision and you could do without HRT ie herbs can do same job and can live without HRT , then dont,

Your not fully open with your wife and she will almost certainly be pissed with HRT as thats a different ball game, but many wifes do accept that to save the mental state HRT is essential,

Julie

Thank you Julie for your point of view. I think a piece that was overlooked was my high Triglycerides, and VLD which was not high before. I don't eat a lot of fatty foods, and most of the year I have been eating proportionately as well a bit healthier. What has changed has been all the herbal pills I have been taking. While I cannot say that for sure if it is my herbal regiment, but it sure seems awfully coincidental. So the push for me to switch to HRT was mostly to see if my triglycerides and VLD would balance out.

Yes, I realize HRT is a whole other level. I am curious as to its effects on me as well. I guess in time we shall see.

[Sofia Bunny]

If I had not taken myself to hospital, for fear of doing myself self harm. Like you, I would still be sitting on the sideline, wondering. I hope your inner troubles do not take you as far as I ended up going. It's a dark place. Luckly for me my wife accepted that the Dr wanted me on HRT to resolve my inner strugles. However, it should be said, nothing is all sunshine and rainbows here either. I am still presenting as male, for my employment and my family. My wife hates what she sees, and is most defintely not looking forward to me NEEDING to wear a bra. I really wish you luck on sitting down and explaining to you wife how you feel you need to go forward. It really is not an easy talk. But in the end, you are really the only person who can make this decision, and have to live with the consequences.

Thank you very much Jannet for your insight, I appreciate it very much! I have been weighing the pros and cons for quite sometime, and I go back and forth in it all. I come so close to just blurting it out to my wife, but I know that's not the way I should bring it up, I am pretty sure that way while quick, would end in disaster! So I have to find the right thing to see and make sure that she understands what I am saying. I wish this was easier, but alas, there is no easy way.