01-11-2016, 08:47 PM
Sunday I was out and about with my family. We were dressed in costume as a family at an event. At one point the kids were off playing and I noticed my wife looking a bit distraught. I decided to engage in conversation with her to see what was going on. She told me she was tired of my lying to her and the secrets, obviously I've been doing something because my body does not look like it used to look. I couldn't believe it, we were going have this conversation here, with all these people around, and her family here as well? I asked her if she seriously wanted to have this conversation now. Her response to me was that we don't talk at home, so what difference does it make. I told her that this was not the time or place for this conversation. I also told her that I've tried many many times to broach this conversation, but ever time I have, it has been met with negativity and my feeling quite distraught and depressed. I promised her we would talk about it later.
The rest of my afternoon that weighed on me, after all this time, I was finally going to come clean to my wife. It was quite nerve racking, but I did my best to bury it deep inside to enjoy my time with my kiddos at the event. After we said goodbye to everyone we went and had a late lunch. Time was ticking down and soon things would be revealed. I had played this conversation so many times in my head, and now it was here, and I was scrambling to figure out what to say. She was telling me and the kids that she had a lot of work to do, so I wondered if perhaps our conversation was going to be delayed.
As we are driving, I hold her hand. The kids had fallen asleep in the back, and I asked her if she wanted to talk about this now, or would she prefer to wait. She said she wanted to talk about it now. I struggled trying to figure out what to say, where to start, so I just talked, I talked and talked and talked and talked. I told her that I was taking herbs, and they were affecting me physically as well as mentally. I told her that I was happiest being in the middle. Not 100% male, not 100% female. I told her I wasn't looking to become a woman, which is true, I am not. I told her that right now I felt complete, and balanced, mentally and emotionally. I felt more like me than I had felt in a long time, before I was corrupted by T. I told her about a lot of things, from my youth to more recently, and for the most part she just listened.
After I finished with what i had to say regarding herbs and the mental changes, she asked me if I had talked to my doctor about the feelings I have and everything that was going on in my head. She told me cause you know all of what I'm going through is up here, and she points to her head. I responded to her that I hadn't talked to my doctor about it, and I wasn't even sure where to begin about that either. I also pointed out to her that there would be a strong possibility that the doctor would prescribe hormones based on how I am, and others that have been in similar positions to me. Hearing her negative tone and reaction, I was hesitant now telling her that I had self prescribed hormones. She still thinks I need to talk to my doctor about all this, which I suppose it is something I need to look into now. Looking back at the conversation now, I am not sure if my wife meant that all this is just in my head, or if she meant it the way I took it at the time. I suppose I have to ask her about that. Though I am not sure I want to know the truth behind that remark.
By now we had stopped at the mall because we had intended to walk around for a bit. She is hurt, and crying now. She tells me that she does not like my changes, that she is not attracted to me. Of course that comment just stung like hell. Part of me wanted to lash back at that comment, but I knew better, I knew it was a lot for her to take in and process. I asked her what difference did it make what I looked like on the outside? Inside I was still the same, if anything I was more emotional, sensitive and sensual. I reminded her that when we were first going out one of her complaints about us was that she was heavier than me, and of course she never felt attractive, but I reminded her, she was attractive to me! I told her that I fell in love with, and I physically pointed to her chest indicating her heart, and her head indicating her mind. Our body is but a shell, it will change and vary with time. I told her my body will age, and wrinkle, I will gain, and lose weight, it will fluctuate greatly as time progresses, but it is just a shell. The inside is what matters most, not the outside.
She didn't say anything after that. She was still softly sobbing. I didn't know what else to say. I asked her if she was interested in seeing what I looked like, and she responded VERY adamantly NO! I told her that I was just checking, I needed to know just how much she wanted to know about me so that she didn't feel like I was keeping secrets.
I tried talking her into walking around the mall, of course she didn't want to because she'd been crying and she felt she looked a mess. After a bit of time, we all got out and walked around. After we had walked around, we went to have dinner. After dinner I questioned her if she was planning on telling anyone about this? She said no, and of course brought up now she has to be keeping my secrets. I apologized, and told her that wasn't something I was ready for, and that I still didn't even have a handle or understanding of myself. I asked her if she honestly thought my parents would understand or even accept me. She didn't answer. She also told me that she hoped I hadn't shared my pictures with my friends online. She looked at my face and immediately knew that was too late. She told me: "Seriously, and you want me to keep your secrets when you're telling everyone???" I told her that's a far cry from telling everyone, the people I am talking to are more like minded. She was also a bit annoyed that I had pictures on my computer and phone.
By the time we got home, everything felt okay. I asked her if we were okay, and she said she didn't know. I realize this is going to take time, and perhaps she will come to terms with it, perhaps she won't. I just don't know right now. I feel more confused now than before.
The rest of my afternoon that weighed on me, after all this time, I was finally going to come clean to my wife. It was quite nerve racking, but I did my best to bury it deep inside to enjoy my time with my kiddos at the event. After we said goodbye to everyone we went and had a late lunch. Time was ticking down and soon things would be revealed. I had played this conversation so many times in my head, and now it was here, and I was scrambling to figure out what to say. She was telling me and the kids that she had a lot of work to do, so I wondered if perhaps our conversation was going to be delayed.
As we are driving, I hold her hand. The kids had fallen asleep in the back, and I asked her if she wanted to talk about this now, or would she prefer to wait. She said she wanted to talk about it now. I struggled trying to figure out what to say, where to start, so I just talked, I talked and talked and talked and talked. I told her that I was taking herbs, and they were affecting me physically as well as mentally. I told her that I was happiest being in the middle. Not 100% male, not 100% female. I told her I wasn't looking to become a woman, which is true, I am not. I told her that right now I felt complete, and balanced, mentally and emotionally. I felt more like me than I had felt in a long time, before I was corrupted by T. I told her about a lot of things, from my youth to more recently, and for the most part she just listened.
After I finished with what i had to say regarding herbs and the mental changes, she asked me if I had talked to my doctor about the feelings I have and everything that was going on in my head. She told me cause you know all of what I'm going through is up here, and she points to her head. I responded to her that I hadn't talked to my doctor about it, and I wasn't even sure where to begin about that either. I also pointed out to her that there would be a strong possibility that the doctor would prescribe hormones based on how I am, and others that have been in similar positions to me. Hearing her negative tone and reaction, I was hesitant now telling her that I had self prescribed hormones. She still thinks I need to talk to my doctor about all this, which I suppose it is something I need to look into now. Looking back at the conversation now, I am not sure if my wife meant that all this is just in my head, or if she meant it the way I took it at the time. I suppose I have to ask her about that. Though I am not sure I want to know the truth behind that remark.
By now we had stopped at the mall because we had intended to walk around for a bit. She is hurt, and crying now. She tells me that she does not like my changes, that she is not attracted to me. Of course that comment just stung like hell. Part of me wanted to lash back at that comment, but I knew better, I knew it was a lot for her to take in and process. I asked her what difference did it make what I looked like on the outside? Inside I was still the same, if anything I was more emotional, sensitive and sensual. I reminded her that when we were first going out one of her complaints about us was that she was heavier than me, and of course she never felt attractive, but I reminded her, she was attractive to me! I told her that I fell in love with, and I physically pointed to her chest indicating her heart, and her head indicating her mind. Our body is but a shell, it will change and vary with time. I told her my body will age, and wrinkle, I will gain, and lose weight, it will fluctuate greatly as time progresses, but it is just a shell. The inside is what matters most, not the outside.
She didn't say anything after that. She was still softly sobbing. I didn't know what else to say. I asked her if she was interested in seeing what I looked like, and she responded VERY adamantly NO! I told her that I was just checking, I needed to know just how much she wanted to know about me so that she didn't feel like I was keeping secrets.
I tried talking her into walking around the mall, of course she didn't want to because she'd been crying and she felt she looked a mess. After a bit of time, we all got out and walked around. After we had walked around, we went to have dinner. After dinner I questioned her if she was planning on telling anyone about this? She said no, and of course brought up now she has to be keeping my secrets. I apologized, and told her that wasn't something I was ready for, and that I still didn't even have a handle or understanding of myself. I asked her if she honestly thought my parents would understand or even accept me. She didn't answer. She also told me that she hoped I hadn't shared my pictures with my friends online. She looked at my face and immediately knew that was too late. She told me: "Seriously, and you want me to keep your secrets when you're telling everyone???" I told her that's a far cry from telling everyone, the people I am talking to are more like minded. She was also a bit annoyed that I had pictures on my computer and phone.
By the time we got home, everything felt okay. I asked her if we were okay, and she said she didn't know. I realize this is going to take time, and perhaps she will come to terms with it, perhaps she won't. I just don't know right now. I feel more confused now than before.
