[polymorphis]

Dear sisters, brother-sisters, friends,

as a foreword I apologise for a lengthy text, but I just needed some ventilation. I have no-one to tell. I just can't tell my girlfriend. Although she is the only persons who knows I am transgendered I just don't want her to be flooded in my uncertainties.

I have been frequenting this discussion board for approximately 10 months. During this time I've witnessed development of several people and I don't mean outwards development, but rather inner changes leading to (hopefully) better understanding of themselves and more authentic life.

Actually, I've experienced shift in myself as well. It started even before I even begun with NBE. Pursuing NBE and trying to open myself to a bigger world were just symptoms. For some time I tried to ignore it... But it was more and more apparent that I should not and can't ignore changes happening inside me and that I should do something about it.

I started as a pure crossdresser (CD). I remember enjoying dressing even as a 3 years old. Although those urges were with me during whole childhood, they were rather dormant. But during puberty they awoke. Since then, my baseline crossdressing urge stayed constant – connected to my sexual instinct. My explanation was that it was just a fetish, nothing more. But often I was upset with that connection and there were episodes during my life when I wanted so much more … Those episodes differed in lenght, but each time they appeared, that longing was much stronger. The last episode lasts from 2011 when I realised, in sudden burst of panic, that it may be the last possibility for me to grasp at least part of my youth and „do something about it“...

The fact is that I can't deny anymore that my feminine identity is getting stronger. I've started with feminine grooming, I begun with NBE, I've started to wear only female clothes at home, I've started to underdress, I've started to act more feminine, to practice feminine voice etc. I finally don't have feeling that there is a stranger in my photos.  This week I even made an appointment for the laser hair removal. For several weeks it gradually becomes more difficult to think about myself as a male and to stop having more and more feminine mannerism. I cried several times just thinking that I was not able to grow up as a girl. And I enjoy and dread all changes at the same time.

But I know that our desires are not to be trusted... There are so many possible influences. I should think about this more carefully and without emotions. Basically there are three possibilities:

1) I am late-onset transsexual, with typical trajectory (starting as a CD, but with growing feminine identity which gradually becomes dominant).

2) I am CD and because of enormous stress, I am just escaping to my feminine persona. And right now, I am under stress due to work.

3) My true identity is one of those mixed-gender identities (gender-fluid, bi-gendered....) and I am just coming to this realisation.

Either case, I just don't want to stay in the closet and under radar anymore. I've made an appointment with a gender therapist. She is also a sexologist specialised in gender identity disorders. Unfortunately the closest date is in February.

In meantime, I'll try to prepare and find my own answers. I would like to make changes in my work as well. I need to reduce stress levels to limit this possible influence. I also contemplate stopping my herbal regime to have more clear mind. On the other side I really don't want to, because I like "the new me"   .


I will use this thread as a record of ideas and resources about this topic of self-exploration. So if anyone wants to participate – be welcomed! And I am also opened to any thoughts and advices .

Interesting resources:

Interesting article about differences between TV and TS:
http://www.debradavis.org/gecpage/tvorts.html


Quite a recent book about exploration of one's gender identity:
http://darahoffmanfox.com/discoveryourgenderidentity/


Poly

[Pansy-Mae]

Poly,
I can't give any specific guidance, this whole thing is intensely personal, as we all know.
 However FWIW, I can relate to an awful lot of what you have said - my first remembered wish to CD ocurred when I was 4 or 5 but my mother used to recount anecdotes from even earlier. I have had on/off periods all my life, but at around the age of 20 I sat myself down and worked through what I wanted, what I was and wasn't. I came to the conclusion back then ( nearly 50 years ago) that I was NOT a 'transexual' ( to use the only expression that existed back then), and that I would just live with the cross dressing.
6 years ago I discovered BN and then PM. I took PM for 5 years but stopped, cold turkey, 12 months ago. Whilst on PM my cross dressing mostly reduced/stopped, but is now back again full strength. Since stopping, my boobs have shrunk from almost a 36C to a full 36A. Mentally I went through a few fairly intense withdrawal symptoms for a few days at a time early this year, but they have stopped now and overall I feel more relaxed. I do suspect that I was in some way addicted to PM/E. Right now I'd give a lot to increase my bra size again, but that isn't going to happen any more than my MPB will go away! ( actually I think I'd trade my boobs for a full head of long hair! )

Dunno if any of that helps, but I really do think PM clouds our mental processes - the Pink Fog that gets mentoned sometimes - and although I don't judge or criticise anyone who makes the choice to go all the way, I'm not convinced that everyone is thinking straight when making that decision.

[jannet.duff]

Being completely open about everything to a therapist will help.

Seems more and more of us are following in the same footsteps.    

The saying lemmings comes to mind ..!!!

[julieTG]

Would you all be agreed that if pm can cloud the mind would hrt be worse or faster ?

?

Julie

Agreed Janet

Therapist and lemmings um ???

Julie

[julieTG]

Poly my dear

I need to be in front of a pc not an iPad to reply in depth

X

Julie

[polymorphis]

Thanks everyone for your input. This is exactly what I had in mind - to express my thoughts and get some feedback. Thank you once again...

Now while reading my text again I realised it looks like I am indeed leaning towards the possibility that I am TS. However, it it not the case. I am just exploring my options. Clearly, some shift in me has been happening for some time. I am not satisfied with my current understanding and expression of my gender. I just want to learn about myself and what exactly I need to change to feel more whole... Gut feeling, emotions, desires and even thoughts can be deceptive. I don't dismiss any of three stated hypotheses. I just have to test them, find things that help to support or deny each of them. And when I find the most probable one, to explore how to change to be more satisfied. For each of those three possibilities there are again several possible courses of action...

Jannet & Julie > Yes, you are right. That is exactly why I decided to make an appointment with the therapist.

Pansy-Mae > Thank you for your input. I don't dismiss the possibility of PM clouding my judgement. However, I think that in some people, pink fog, or "gender euphoria" can appear even without exogenous substances. I think that I am such person. It means that our desires really can't be trusted.

Another possibility is that PM or HRT causes the shift of mental processes towards being willing to transition only in sensitive persons. Than if HRT is commenced in such person, they will switch to being TS and transition. From what I know from several sources, even in those late onset individuals transition is rather positive. Then, in those cases, isn't the pink-fog positive? Just playing advocatus diaboli.

Poly

[julieTG]

well if it helps ???

I have been 2 weeks on Oestrogel as well as pm and the mental swift towards the fence has been dramatic

But and it's a worry but ????

I have felt incredible 
I.e.
Happy, relaxed, calm, chatty

So if hrt diagnoses gd well I test positive

What concerns me is the mental benefit of hrt was significantly greater than pm

But pm is good

X

Ummm ???

Julie

[Sofia Bunny]

Wow poly, sounds like you have some deep soul searching to do.  If it helps, I went through similar, and still question myself at times.  I started with the curiosity of wanting breasts, which developed into desire to feminize myself a bit, which pushed further into whether or not I could be passable to, finding that I was pleased with the results.

I took a complete month off of everything in August of this year.  During this time, I did not have any strong urge or desire to return.  I was for the most part fine.  About 2.5 weeks in, old bad habits started to come back, which I did not like.  I found that I did not like old me, I did not like old me at all.  I liked the mental changes that had been brought about from NBE.  Still, if i had so chosen, I could have remained off of NBE and for the most part continued to be mostly okay, except for the bad habits part.

It was after my month off, I started HRT, it took about 2-2.5 weeks for my mental state to return close to where I was at on NBE.  Things were finally balanced in my life again.  I was happy with myself and the mental stability I had regained.  I know a lot of people fear HRT that it will force them to transition fully.  Currently, I am still not at that point.  I am quite content where I am at mentally and emotionally.  I still have no desire to go through SRS.  Granted that is my current feelings, I am open to the idea that in the future, I could possibly change my mind and pursue SRS.

Not sure if any of that helps, but I do wish you the best of luck in sorting things out.  Do what you need to, and hopefully the right decision will present itself.

[katieinhiding]

Poly --

Each person's journey, and desires, are different.  I started my journey three or four years ago and, like you, I had late-onset GD - although looking back now I can see many signs that should have made it obvious that I was trans... but they never really clicked.  I stumbled onto this forum and spent a while using PM, BO, etc.  My goal then was to get some peace of mind, perhaps some breast growth, and live with this other part of me in the shadows.

I started HRT about a year and a half ago.  I began the process of coming out to everyone in my life six months after that.  Another six months and that process was complete.  A couple months ago I made the transition to female, and go tomorrow to consult with a surgeon about FFS.  So far I've been met with nothing but love and acceptance from everyone in my life.  What was once terrifying is now mundane.

While I still have a lot of worries and doubts, one thing is clear.  I could not have anticipated the outcome, or my journey.  Along the way I made steps forward, I made steps backwards.  The times I was most at ease was when I stopped worrying about where I was going and lived in the moment, doing what felt right at the time.  The paralyzing worry and endless self-questioning only ever served to make me miserable.  I think a certain amount is healthy, but it's easy to make that entire day.

Life is short, do whatever makes you happy - discard the rest.  Do your best to live without regrets.

[Stevenator.]

I was taking PM fairly heavy last spring, and was questioning the "what if's". It's interesting how strongly it affects your thoughts. I've always had a girly side of me, but I'm 100% dude on the outside. I'm an outdoorsman. I'm going deer hunting next week. But under my overalls will be shaved legs & high-cut panties. I've been wearing skirts around the house for 4 years now. I took about a 4 month break & really missed the mental aspects. I restarted a month ago, and I'm committed to obtaining a B-cup that I can somewhat hide. I know that the pink fog awaits, and I'm sure it will be a challenge to fight it. I think it's interesting how everyone can relate (in their own way) to the mental aspect of this all. However I strongly feel that I will not transition, but I can very easily see that it is something I could seriously consider if my situation were different. When I was taking PM 2k/day, I found myself daydreaming of transitional fantasies. I applaud you (all) and wish you strength going forward.