[Myranda]

Hi all.  I know that this may be better suited for the Introduction board, but I feel that I would rather have this posted here as I start this journey.

A little about me and how I got here.  I';m in my mid-30s, and have for most of my life identified as a Male, at least up to about 8 or 9 years ago, when I began to explore in passing my feminine self. At first I tried Nature Day cream and pills, but would take them for a few weeks or maybe a month, and then be like WTF am I doing?  Why am I doing this?  I would explore crossdressing on and off, and have purge many different forms and bras over the years.  It settled down I stopped taking herbals when I met my wife and dressing pretty much ceased about 5 years ago after I got married and my wife found something in my work bag, which I lied about.  And we were happy for 4 years, and had an amazing little girl a few years ago.  I have low testosterone.  My last baseline results are as follows, since a lot of people like to ask about that kind of stuff:

Component                               Your Value          Standard Range
TESTOSTERONE                        194 ng/dL         249 - 836 ng/dL
SEX HORM. BIND. GLOB.          21 nmol/L         13 - 71 nmol/L
FREE TESTOSTERONE               4.49 ng/dL        6.16 - 19.40 ng/dL
PERCENT FREE TESTO              2.31 %              1.22 - 2.81 %


Last Fall my wife and I began to have problems, or rather she began to share how unhappy she was, which made things between us worse for a while, but out in the open.  I began to experiment with PM for a month or so, and again said to myself, WTF am I doing and WHY?  So I stopped.  for most of the spring and summer.  Buit again at somepoint, I decided to order Some Swanson's BO, which I didn't take for a while.  But sometime around the middle of October, I decided to or wokred up the nerve to try it.  I started small, with only 500mg/day, 1x/day.  I did that for about 2 weeks, before one day while I was out, she found it in my work bag again, and confronted me about it when I came home.  This time I didn't lie about it, and things went to shit from there.  She feels betrayed, and that I have lied to her our entire relationship.  Can't say that I blame her.  She has since moved out and has made it clear that I am no longer the right mate for her.  After I confessed to her whatI was doing, I started seeing a Therapist, who has been very helpful so far, and I have seen them at least once a week for nearly two months now.    I have discussed with them, why I started 8 years ago, why I lied to my wife 5 years ago, and why I started agian this past year and a great deal many other things.

This biggie was today's doctor visit though.  after several session with my Therapist, we discussed going to the local TG Clinic and speaking with the doctor's there so I set up an appointment for this morning.  I have to admit I was both looking forward to it,. and talking to them about starting HRT, and also dreading it.  I almost didn't go.  But ultimately my Therapist and I agreed, that if starting down this road will help me get a better sense of who I am, then it is the right thing to do.  For the longest time I have wanted to have feminine breasts, and was comfortable being male, but something had changed since I found out I had low T, and couldn't have children naturally. my other doctor's don't know what has caused my infertility, or low T levels, and all my other genetic tests have come back normal.

But anyway, I left my house about 30 minutes later than I had intended to this morning, and was stressing most of the way to my GD worried that I was going to be late and miss my appointment, but my GPS came to the rescue and got me there 30 minutes early.  Once I got into the waiting room and more so when I went in to see the Doctor, I was much more relaxed and comfortable with my decision to start this process.   This first meeting was more to go over my medical history, much like you would with any other Primary Care Physician.  We did briefly discuss how I go to this point/decision, and went over the Informed consent process and briefly discussed the contents of the informed Consent form.  My GD gave me a copy to take home to read and digest.  I've read it a couple times now, and will read it several more I'm sure before my next appointment in a couple of weeks.  I still can't believe or get over h ow comfortable I was.  It almost feels reassuring, or re-affirming to me a bout my decision and where I am at right now.

My next appointment is in 2 weeks on the 12th.  At that appointment my GD said we will go over the Informed Consent Form in detail and both sign it.  They will also do some lab work and some other physical type base line stuff, listen to my heart and lungs and the like.

I'm still both nervous and scared, but also very excited and looking forward to this journey, even if my wife has said things are over between us.  That has been the hardest part of all of this.  I still love and care for her deeply and it hurts me more than any gender dysphoria that I have hurt her this way.

[Katie]

Firstly Welcome!

There`s no need to me worried or scared about taking hormones, anything up to 3 months of taking them is reversible when you stop taking them.
the Next thing is this is about YOU and finding out who You really are, and you can`t really do that if only part of your brain is working, If you have a load of Estrogen receptors in your brain, they will respond to the hormone and activate (you`ll be firing on all cylinders) and from That point you can better see who you really are inside.
your WTF am I doing moments are likely because the tiny bit of estrogen you got from the other stuff lowered your dysphoria just enough to take away the reason you took them in the first place which was the dysphoria (it`s a strange catch 22 thing).
take this time to explore your feelings, needs, desires etc... it`s all about being YOU, your Real self! not about others or their expectations of you.
you have to follow your heart with ths one, and if you don`t feel you really have much of one at the moment, You will later!

I`m sorry to hear about the situation with your wife, but at this point you need to focus just as much on yourself as anything else, and don`t mix the 2 issues if you can possibly avoid it.

take care sweetie xXx

[Myranda]

Firstly Welcome!

There`s no need to me worried or scared about taking hormones, anything up to 3 months of taking them is reversible when you stop taking them.
the Next thing is this is about YOU and finding out who You really are, and you can`t really do that if only part of your brain is working, If you have a load of Estrogen receptors in your brain, they will respond to the hormone and activate (you`ll be firing on all cylinders) and from That point you can better see who you really are inside.
your WTF am I doing moments are likely because the tiny bit of estrogen you got from the other stuff lowered your dysphoria just enough to take away the reason you took them in the first place which was the disphoria (it`s a strange catch 22 thing).
take this time to explore your feelings, needs, desires etc... it`s all about being YOU, your Real self! not about others or their expectations of you.
you have to follow your heart with ths one, and if you don`t feel you really have much of one at the moment, You will later!

I`m sorry to hear about the situation with your wife, but at this point you need to focus just as much on yourself as anything else, and don`t mix the 2 issues if you can possibly avoid it.

take care sweetie xXx

Thanks Katie.  A large part of me knows and understands that I should not be scared about starting hormones.  But a small part of me is still scared, not because of any changes that may occur, but because of the unknown that it will bring, I still don't know if I do in fact suffer from dysphoria, I think I do some extent, but enough to "up end" the life I have lead up to this point?  But on the other hand, I am positively excited to being able to understand who I am and live the life I am supposed to be living. 

I have a gut feeling that you may be right about lowering my dysphoria just enough to make me question things.  I feel that is why starting HRT may be the right thing to do at this point, get my brain the things it needs be functioning properly and see what my mental state is once the chemistry is right.  I think that will help me answer my questions.  Barring any bad side effects I hope to go at least 6 months before I make any decisions one way or the other.

I had started T-replacement over the summer for about 3 months which ended around the time I came out to my wife and I didn't notice any real changes, and  it definitely wasn't a long enough time to be able to notice any changes and point at the T-replacement as the reason for those changes.

I've been feeling much much better and comfortable about my decision to start this path as the day has gone on.

The hard part is trying not to confuse my Gender identity issues with my feeling regarding my wife and our marriage.

[The First Aria]

Myranda, welcome to the club....  That is EXACTLY what I went through.  My therapist and GD both said that if I am meant to truly be a "Two Spirit" I will stop when I get to the point that I need to be...  And if I am meant to fully transition, I will know that as well.

My Therapist and reg Med Doctor thinks that I was born this way.  Although I did all the boy/man things...  Went into service, played baseball and football while growing up, heck, I even hunted.  But, I always loved the finer things in life, like silks, nylon and desperately loved the female form, not only for sex, but just the plain aesthetics of it...

So, its so nice to have a person here that feels the same way...  Want to be "girly" some days and just kick around working on "man" things the next.  I hope I am not reading more than what is not there.  But the point is there is many shades of color in our spectrum..

If you need someone to chat with, although I am no expert, I am willing to chat just PM me if you have any questions or concerns.  It sounds like I have been there already.

[ChangeofLife]

Well welcome! I'm pretty new here myself, but bouncing back and forth sounds familiar. You will have wild mood fluctuations when the hormone rushes you will get. But underneath a sense of profound contentment. I'm in the process myself of changing my regime to align more with a pharma type treatment. Tuning back on the NBE and going almost pure HRT. Hang on and remember the prize at the end. To finally be you..

[Myranda]

Myranda, welcome to the club....  That is EXACTLY what I went through.  My therapist and GD both said that if I am meant to truly be a "Two Spirit" I will stop when I get to the point that I need to be...  And if I am meant to fully transition, I will know that as well.

My Therapist and reg Med Doctor thinks that I was born this way.  Although I did all the boy/man things...  Went into service, played baseball and football while growing up, heck, I even hunted.  But, I always loved the finer things in life, like silks, nylon and desperately loved the female form, not only for sex, but just the plain aesthetics of it...

So, its so nice to have a person here that feels the same way...  Want to be "girly" some days and just kick around working on "man" things the next.  I hope I am not reading more than what is not there.  But the point is there is many shades of color in our spectrum..

If you need someone to chat with, although I am no expert, I am willing to chat just PM me if you have any questions or concerns.  It sounds like I have been there already.

Aria, thank you so much. I think we have a lot in common i  terms of where we have been in life and how we got here. I cannot wait for my next appointme with with my GD to go over the informed consent form and het the base lone blood work out of the way and begig the discussion on starting HRT. I believe that once the bloodwork comes back there will be one more appointmentat which time they will put the order in for the perscriprions and then i am on my way. I really cant wait to get that main prt of the journey started.

[jannet.duff]

Welcome to the forum. There are a few members here on HRT, so we should be able to help you move through the minefield of information. 
It sounds like you have given this a lot of thought, but keep in mind. I still get the odd WTF am I doing to myself moments, more so when I think of the friends I may possibly loose, and the issues I may have with my employer, And the big one, loosing my wife, and having to sell our house. If we didn't need to do this, its something we would not choose to do, Just for the hell of it.

You now have friends in this forum, who know and understand what your going through. 

If you need to and would like to talk one on one with a few of us, you can always join our irc chat. It's very rare that there is no one around.

[The First Aria]

Myranda, welcome to the club....  That is EXACTLY what I went through.  My therapist and GD both said that if I am meant to truly be a "Two Spirit" I will stop when I get to the point that I need to be...  And if I am meant to fully transition, I will know that as well.

My Therapist and reg Med Doctor thinks that I was born this way.  Although I did all the boy/man things...  Went into service, played baseball and football while growing up, heck, I even hunted.  But, I always loved the finer things in life, like silks, nylon and desperately loved the female form, not only for sex, but just the plain aesthetics of it...

So, its so nice to have a person here that feels the same way...  Want to be "girly" some days and just kick around working on "man" things the next.  I hope I am not reading more than what is not there.  But the point is there is many shades of color in our spectrum..

If you need someone to chat with, although I am no expert, I am willing to chat just PM me if you have any questions or concerns.  It sounds like I have been there already.

Aria, thank you so much. I think we have a lot in common i  terms of where we have been in life and how we got here. I cannot wait for my next appointme with with my GD to go over the informed consent form and het the base lone blood work out of the way and begig the discussion on starting HRT. I believe that once the bloodwork comes back there will be one more appointmentat which time they will put the order in for the perscriprions and then i am on my way. I really cant wait to get that main prt of the journey started.

Just the possibility of exploring the new, and yes, challenging expectations from yourself and loved ones for me is cathartic.  Once I realized I needed professional help with getting it into my head and the meds needed to start the exploration took a lot of things off my troubled mind.  I think you will find that true for yourself.  

And yes....  I still wonder if I am doing the right thing or if it's just a selfish act.  But who knows....  Maybe it's one in the same???

[Myranda]

Welcome to the forum. There are a few members here on HRT, so we should be able to help you move through the minefield of information. 
It sounds like you have given this a lot of thought, but keep in mind. I still get the odd WTF am I doing to myself moments, more so when I think of the friends I may possibly loose, and the issues I may have with my employer, And the big one, loosing my wife, and having to sell our house. If we didn't need to do this, its something we would not choose to do, Just for the hell of it.

You now have friends in this forum, who know and understand what your going through. 

If you need to and would like to talk one on one with a few of us, you can always join our irc chat. It's very rare that there is no one around.

I'm really glad to hear that others still get the occasional WTF moment here and there.

I';m sure I will end up on the IRC chat at some point.

[Myranda]

Myranda, welcome to the club....  That is EXACTLY what I went through.  My therapist and GD both said that if I am meant to truly be a "Two Spirit" I will stop when I get to the point that I need to be...  And if I am meant to fully transition, I will know that as well.

My Therapist and reg Med Doctor thinks that I was born this way.  Although I did all the boy/man things...  Went into service, played baseball and football while growing up, heck, I even hunted.  But, I always loved the finer things in life, like silks, nylon and desperately loved the female form, not only for sex, but just the plain aesthetics of it...

So, its so nice to have a person here that feels the same way...  Want to be "girly" some days and just kick around working on "man" things the next.  I hope I am not reading more than what is not there.  But the point is there is many shades of color in our spectrum..

If you need someone to chat with, although I am no expert, I am willing to chat just PM me if you have any questions or concerns.  It sounds like I have been there already.

Aria, thank you so much. I think we have a lot in common i  terms of where we have been in life and how we got here. I cannot wait for my next appointme with with my GD to go over the informed consent form and het the base lone blood work out of the way and begig the discussion on starting HRT. I believe that once the bloodwork comes back there will be one more appointmentat which time they will put the order in for the perscriprions and then i am on my way. I really cant wait to get that main prt of the journey started.

Just the possibility of exploring the new, and yes, challenging expectations from yourself and loved ones for me is cathartic.  Once I realized I needed professional help with getting it into my head and the meds needed to start the exploration took a lot of things off my troubled mind.  I think you will find that true for yourself.  

And yes....  I still wonder if I am doing the right thing or if it's just a selfish act.  But who knows....  Maybe it's one in the same???

I agree finally getting up the courage to talk to a Therapist was very liberating.  And talking to a Gender Doctor was even more liberating and positive.