[polymorphis]

I had quite a nice experience today which left me with very pleasant feeling. Being mostly in a closet, I don't have anyone else to share it with. So I'll share it here .

Since morning I had higher level of anxiety, which I always have after withdrawing PM for several days. Moreover, I have to attend a certain conference where I usually meet colleagues from other cities and departments and I am aware that since the last year my appearance and behaviour changed more than a little bit and during last months people started to comment...

What happened?

I went to a cafe to have a mug of latte coffee. I immediately noticed one acquaintance of mine whom I hadn't seen for at least a year. I wanted to be friendly so I smiled and waved at him. He smiled back, but with a puzzled look and facial expression of "I don't know who it is, but I will pretend I know". I've never encountered anything like that, but he whispered to himself: "It is... no, it can't be... but yes, it is!" Then he finally recognized me and he just explained: "I just thought: why that beautiful girl is waving at me... and it was you." Than it was my turn to be surprised, I was able to respond only with faked 'sarcastic': "Well... thank you." I proceeded with my business, but when he prepared to leave the cafe he went to me and repeated: "I just thought you were some beautiful girl... maybe it was because you stood in the shadow," and he left. But while leaving he looked at me several times quite curiously. There was not a shadow when I previously stood, the whole interior was were lit.

During last 8 months or so I have been gendered as female only handful of times. I present as male. It is true that recently I have more feminine mannerism, but strangers consider me a male, or at least it seems so most of the time. I've never experienced that people from my past did not recognize me. It left me with very nice feeling. My anxiety suddenly disappeared. On the other side I don't know how to react in such situations. I don't want to out myself, but when someone considers me a woman I immediately start to behave even more feminine...

Anyways, it was pleasant experience .

[julieTG]

Wow

And you keep doubting if you could pass ????

And we keep telling you 

Tsssk 

Go get your heels, tight blouse on and go for it little sis

X


Julie

[Alanah]

Thanks for sharing Poly, how has your  behavior changed over the past year if you don't mind me asking?

[polymorphis]

Julie> For me there are still several barriers I have to overcome to be able to do something similar to what you've described. Unfortunately, I am very slow in leaving my comfort zone. And please, don't remind me the shoes... and my Franken-feet.  

Whitney> Well, it is hard to describe... Several months ago my girlfriend begun to comment that my gestures is more feminine. Later, maybe a month ago when I finally consciously accepted that my desire to feminize is just a reflection of deeper identity issues. And I came to conclusion that my identity is predominantly feminine. Since then I've remembered many suppressed memories and I realised that for long time I had to consciously learn to behave in masculine manner - mannerism, way of speaking etc. It became a habit. But recently it appears that those habits begin to fade. Yes, I consciously help it and I try not to behave more 'naturally', more with a mindset that I don't need to maintain masculine façade all the time. It is more easier and kind of automatic with people who knows I am trans. In normal social situations I feel constant shame and switch to standard masculine kind of behaviour. I hope it makes sense.

Poly

[Alanah]

Thanks Poly, I can totally see what you mean, changing your body to fit your inner self allows you to be more at ease and express your true nature. I haven't had much change yet, but being on pm has made me the happiest I've been in a long time.