[Katie]

I`v been around many Trans* sites and read 1000`s of posts and a regular theme that occurs is that of
the spouse being OK with some activities at some times and dead against others, often ending in extreme
confusion for the Trans* person as to where they stand between their relationship and their desire to
transition, it`s such a common trope and yet I`v never read an answer to it? and so the problem persists.

Like most seemingly complex questions, the Answers are often quite simple and the way of finding it can
be even easier, a real "Why didn`t I think of that?" moment.
So, prompted by reading Another such story, I set about to find out once and for all why so many
spouses blow Hot and Cold with transition steps... I simply Asked!
having a spouse myself and many female friends (many of them married School Moms), what a perfect way
to find out, right!? 

now this will be kind of hard to explain so I`ll stick with MTF as I`v no idea how men behave really,
and it`ll keep it easier for me in terms of continuity. it`ll also require a little role reversal (that
shouldn`t be Too hard for you by now

As a little girl you grew to beleive that one day you`ll find your prince get married and live happily
ever after, it`s kind of a normal thing and most of our wives will have had that dream. One day that
actually Happens! they marry You, their Prince!
And sadly this is where the fairy-tale breaks down, one day the Prince turns into a Frog! boohoo... The End.

Ok not an Actual Frog! and before anyone gets all Irrate at me, No I`m not saying Trans* people are
Frogs! or even LIKE frogs, ok!? ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metaphor ). Maybe Princess would have
been better than Frog, who knows... Sheesh!

So, Moving swiftly along and returning to our story, your Wife has learned that her Prince is actually
a Princess, and her whole world and long held (since childhood) beliefs simply Shatter entirely,
instantly and completely. at this point after the initial shock wears off (can take Weeks) She`s torn,
torn between her New reality and her existing Love for you.I really Need you understand this! the
impact it has is easily as great as discovering your own Transness, never be in any doubt about that!
You hear of Trans people trying to deal with their own internal transphobia all the while, (I`m still
working on that one myself), she will have her Own transphobia too (I`ll come to this later). You, the
You that she married is now for all intents and purposes Terminally Ill and will die soon, I`m sure
many of you have heard of it being like Death, and that they mourn their partner, even though they`re
still technically there, well there is No "technically" about it from their perspective, None at all!
And I think most transsexuals that have been on HRT for a decent length of time will agree that the
brain that they Into it with, is NOT the brain they come out of it with! (if they`re being honest).

and then there`s the whole getting-to-Know-You thing going on as well, somewhere deep in your
subconcious (or something like that) the real You resides, and part of you is aware to some degree of
what She (You) is Really like, so some of it won`t come as too much of a surprise to you, for your Wife
however... well she`s never even Thought of you being something other than what she married, you`re now
a stranger to her and she has to get to know this stranger she`s married to all over again (her
perspective Not yours!), she doesn`t know what your Real likes and dislikes are, and lets be honest,
the whole Man in dress idea will be there in her mind.
I think you now have a rough idea of where your wife is at now, and I haven`t put down Everything that
I could, just the main and reoccuring themes.

I mentioned earlier about your wife now being Torn beween her love for you and her new reality. well
the part that`s still sure of her love for you (as a person) will want to be as accomodating and
helpful as she can towards you because that`s what love does! when she settles with Some aspects of her
new reality, because she can`t take the whole thing at once any more than You can transition all at
once! (it`s all about lots of baby steps for Both of you) she will try to accomadate certain things
towards your goal, maybe nail polish for you, or a day out shopping etc... little bite size pieces that
She can handle, and not because she wants to call the shots and be in control or dominate you (you
wish!) but because it`s at a rate She can deal with, She is afterall your Other Half!? and is
transitioning with you. Your rates of change and order that things are done will differ, and this is
where total and complete honesty comes into very good communication. don`t try and bullsh!t her, she will know!

a Note on the Honesty in the communication and a hint to solving the whole whole thing is
Vulnerability. Contrary to common beleif in male circles and even in some female circles (although to a
much lesser extent) Vulnerability and Openess is NOT a weakness! Oh contrare!  it`s actually a sign
of strength and emotional maturity, and seen as such by most women, in fact it`s almost a form of
bonding. so bear that in mind

So when she`s blowing Hot, that`s her Love for you and her doing her best to be as understanding as she
can at a rate she can deal with, she doesn`t want to see you get hurt either and will also be somewhat
protective, that might involve laughing at you hysterically when you consider going out grocery
shopping in your new Hot Pink frilly Tutu you bought on amazon! (it has happened!). Now another thing
that`s happened to some is that they don`t want to do your nails This time, and you`re thinking "but
last week we both had Loads of fun doing then...wtf???" this can be down to you bringing the subject of
your transness up yet Again! and a gut reaction of "Oh god not This again, can`t I just have a break!?"
or she`s got better things to do right now and your nails Really aren`t a priority!
And the other thing could be that she Has done this with you before trying her best to be fair and
really didn`t like the feelings it gave her.

There will be somethings that are just Outright NO! those are simply steps she`s not ready for yet,
steps she`s perhaps not even considered (it`s not All about what you wear!), be patient here! as what
she`s comfortable to try now, becomes the new "Normal" she`ll be willing to move on from that towards
other steps, again, this might not be at the rate You want to move, but you Are Moving! and will likely
come out of it with an intact marriage and dare I say possibly even a Happy one (with a good tail wind!)

In this diatribe there are a few clues as what I`v found to work personally that are also backed up

with what I`v been told by other women!

top of the list would have to be, Honesty! (openness / vulnerability)
Communication, Always keep on talking and sharing (and Please NOT about Trans* stuff all the while!).
and Involve them! (maybe this should be joint 1`st top of the list?) if you Don`t know something when
asked then say so, ask them for help, they are your other-half / Partner! and don`t look at it as
you`re asking for permission, you`re Not! you`re asking for Help, advice, ideas, input etc...
don`t make the mistake of presenting Anything as a done deal, like "this is the way it`s gunna be
whether you like it or not! Muwahahahaaaa!" (seriously, this Never works! and has been attempted).
and last but not least, avoid at all costs; thinking about the Future! don`t go borrowing problems!
much of the angst (on Both sides) is based upon distant what-ifs, and Most turn out to be paper tigers
anyway, and those that Do present a problem are easily dealt with Together as a team.

"what do You think would be the best way to proceed?"
"I would like to... what do You think?"
"I feel x,y or z about... how about you?"
"what are your thoughts on...?"

are just a few simple ideas on how to put things nicely so that it involves rather than alienates or
leaves-behind your partner.

Sorry it`s so long, it took me the best part of the morning to try and condense down several
conversations into key take away points and then try and word it, but Hopefully these few bits of
knowledge will actually help someone or point them in the right direction at least.

Katie xx

[oki]

Oh the joy and the horror of transitioning as a half of a tight pair. I both envy you and feel sorry for you. But in the end I don't think I could take for long that horrified, disgusted, alien look on her adored face as she's thinking "Oh God no, not HER again..."

Subscribed for the future reference.

[Happyme]

WOW Katie that was brilliant!
Well done!
I think this should be mandatory reading here before anyone starts this trip. And certainly should be re-read at frequent intervals.
It is very hard to imagine the wife or lover to be expected to say, "OH BOY I always wanted to marry a woman with a dick that doesnt work anymore and she wants to cut it off too. My dreams have come true".


It is truly a 2 way street that takes a long time to traverse, especially with baby steps.


Thanks so much
Bobbi

[The First Aria]

Great post Katie!   You have done in one post, what I tried to say in several of mine!  I simply cannot blame my wife for her "attitude".  She married a male soldier, Ex-football player, hunter, fisherman.  But above all else a person who fell in love with her, and always tried to do what was expected and needed of him.  There in lies some of the problem.

How did I go from the above, to now?  Sometimes I feel so selfish in living the double gender life.  Yet, I feel better , albeit harder with my wife, than I have in 20 years.  So, if I have such confusion, why shouldn't my wife as well?  So, you hit the nail right on the head.  Great job! !

[Katie]

Thanks each, it`s not by any means a Comprehensive breakdown, just the main and common points mentioned by many women that I have asked as to why this behaviour would be seen in trans spouses, I`m sure in greater length conversations there would be other things of interest emerge too.

Oki, you said:

{{Oh the joy and the horror of transitioning as a half of a tight pair. I both envy you and feel sorry for you. But in the end I don't think I could take for long that horrified, disgusted, alien look on her adored face as she's thinking "Oh God no, not HER again..." }}

Fortunately for me, this is Not and nor has it been my situation with my wife, maybe part of me kinda knew this stuff already on some hidden level? perhaps I was just plain Lucky (I don`t beleive in luck though? LOL), or something else entirely? but I never had the Hot / Cold thing going on, I did have the not wanting to do all the things I wanted to do at the same time though, and yes it was kinda hard waiting for her to "catch up" so to speak, and only Once did I ever push my plan ahead faster than she was ready and that was getting my Name changed , I reasoned that since it was inevitable and there`s a min 2 year Real Life Experience required to get my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate) that starting early was a sensible move.

But Credit where it`s due, my Wife is an absolute Rock! and my biggest supporter in this transition, often time going too fast for me! even down to her looking forwards to my SRS probably more than I am!  LOL
I think perhaps one of the main differences was that my attitude was so much different than some of the others I read about.
I never viewed her as the Opposition, almost the Enemy to read some peoples stories, to me she`s my best friend in the entire world, why would I NOT tell her what was going on with me? she found out as soon as I found out, and we share our feelings with each other on Everything anyway, she was the First person i wanted to know, not the Last! LOL
And that remains true to this day, I don`t think my transition would have been anwhere near as smooth and painless as it has been if it wasn`t for her, that`s what love does, surely!?

[julieTG]

BRILLIANT BRILLIANT BRILLIANT post

one of the best I have read for years

Julie
x

[polymorphis]

Dear Katie,

thank you for your post. It is good to have you back! This is what I meant a few months ago when you decided to leave this forum. I am glad you reconsidered.   The insight of those further on their journey is invaluable for us, who struggle with our first steps.

I agree with many things you have written and I understand it. I am in a situation when my wishes begin to clash with wishes of my girlfriend. Each step forward has to be negotiated with her and when I am happy after making some progress I am even not able to share my happiness with her, because for her it is like another step to loose "her man". However, she usually does not react with anger but with sadness. And something like this is really tearing my heart. Seeing her sad because of me is terrible and all the joy caused by my more and more developing female "self" is only short-lived. I think that her reaction is mostly because she understands my condition and therefore she is not able to be angry. And I believe that she is torn between her love to me and her needs. She keeps telling me: "It would be hard with you, but it would be even harder without."

But right now, I am stuck - she is sad even when I want to come out to other people and I believe that just mentioning HRT would mean the end of our relationship...   But I don't want to make any important steps without her knowing.

It is always difficult for both partners involved.

Poly

[Katie]

Awww, Thanks! xx

the fact is, I Needed to leave, and make my own way in the world as a woman, without the back-up or "crutch" of anything Trans-support related. and I must admit I was quite sad at first, but Life soon stepped in and in short time I found I was loving every minute it! and have done and experienced so many new things in my 11 months away that I never in my wildest dreams could have even imagined myself doing. it`s done me good! and no, at the time I had no intention of comming back, Had I have done, that would have still given me a mental back up plan / safety net.
Of course Now, I know I don`t NEED any backup and have gathered a little bit of experience, it`s only fair to use this where I can to help other girls that may be on here in much the same way I found this place.

My hope is that my post doesn`t drive anyone further into hiding, but rather the opposite, and provide tools or ways of thinking that will lead to greater openess ond better communications with their wives, with the hope that situations where one is on HRT and the other doesn`t know Yet! doesn`t happen anymore. and to be completely honest I have no idea what to do if anyone Was in that postion, i`v known a few and it`s never ever ended well :
I think i would still have to go with being Honest about it, purely out of respect if nothing else, and explain that I Need them, that they`re keeping me Alive (literally).
if I ever Do hear of couple that have recoved from this, you`ll be the Second to know!