I just wanted to introduce myself today. I've lurked here for a couple years, joined about a year ago. I'd have gotten around to this sooner, but I'm really shy.
Until last year, i have never spoken to anyone about this side of me. With the exception of when my mom found my stash of panties and nighties under my mattress around age 10. Ok, i admit they were hers. I tried to explain that i just liked the way they felt. She sent me to a shrink who after two meetings told my mom that I would "likely turn out gay." I learned quickly to find a better hiding spot and she never found them again. Nor did we ever discuss it again.
30 years later, I still only find women attractive, imagine that!
So for 30 years i continued to dress in private, learned very well how to hide it. Through the years of dating I've wanted so badly to find someone who would be into this, or at least someone who could accept it.
5.5 years ago I met someone, who I am still with, we only just moved in together a year ago. Of course when she moved in she found some chicken cutlets i forgot to stash away. I tried to explain them away, but she immediately went to assuming there was another woman in my life. The relationship was about to disintegrate before my eyes, I HAD to tell her. And so we were sitting outside, in silence. She had said her peace about this other woman who she didn't yet know was me. I was faced with this decision to open up my closet of secrets, or watch her slip through my fingers. I know many of you umderstand how hard it is to open up to someone about this.
I turned to her and said "ok, I've been keeping a secret from you." Long pause as I'm trying to muster up the courage to tell her, even still. My heart was pounding. I need to break this silence...i need to break the tension. I say, "I'm gay." Long pause...she looks at me as if to say bullshit and i continue"ok, you know full well I'm not gay, but i do crossdress and i have for most of my life. The cutlets you found are mine."
Very long talk to follow with a lot of question and answer dialogue. She hugs me and kisses me and tells me, "I already knew they were yours. I wanted to see if you would be 100% open with me, and if not, i would have left you because i can't live with secrets." Bear in mind, this all happened like two days after we unloaded the u-haul with all of her belongings into my house.
Two weeks later, she asks to see my collection, and i show her my fem clothes, boxes and tubs of clothes tucked away in a deep closet. Breast forms, heels, corsets, everything.
Two weeks later i am unpacking all of those clothes into a dresser. Hanging up dresses in the closet. Wow! I am exstatic that for the first time, EVER, i can put my panties and bras and shapewear, stockings, shorts, slacks, jeans, tops, dresses, skirts, etc.......in drawers or a closet! They don't have to be tucked away, out of sight anymore in boxes or tubs. Holy crap! What a feeling that was, and still is!
She has asked me to dress for her, which i have a few times, though feeling great embarrassment. I am having trouble, even though she is so accepting, dressing in front of her, being open about it. I guess because I have hid it for so long, felt shame about it for so long.
There is one thing I still haven't fully told her about, nbe. I did tell her i have a noogleberry and she didn't seem so keen on me modifying my body, so I very rarely use it anymore. But i am back using pm again, with buds just starting at only 2 weeks in this time around. She's going to see them. She's going to feel them. She's going to have questions. I have no idea how that conversation will go, but hopefully better than I anticipate. Time will tell!
Anyway, i just want to thank everyone here who has helped me without even knowing it. I have read sooooooo much and learned soooooo much here through all of your experiences and reading all the questions and answers.
Until last year, i have never spoken to anyone about this side of me. With the exception of when my mom found my stash of panties and nighties under my mattress around age 10. Ok, i admit they were hers. I tried to explain that i just liked the way they felt. She sent me to a shrink who after two meetings told my mom that I would "likely turn out gay." I learned quickly to find a better hiding spot and she never found them again. Nor did we ever discuss it again.
30 years later, I still only find women attractive, imagine that!
So for 30 years i continued to dress in private, learned very well how to hide it. Through the years of dating I've wanted so badly to find someone who would be into this, or at least someone who could accept it.
5.5 years ago I met someone, who I am still with, we only just moved in together a year ago. Of course when she moved in she found some chicken cutlets i forgot to stash away. I tried to explain them away, but she immediately went to assuming there was another woman in my life. The relationship was about to disintegrate before my eyes, I HAD to tell her. And so we were sitting outside, in silence. She had said her peace about this other woman who she didn't yet know was me. I was faced with this decision to open up my closet of secrets, or watch her slip through my fingers. I know many of you umderstand how hard it is to open up to someone about this.
I turned to her and said "ok, I've been keeping a secret from you." Long pause as I'm trying to muster up the courage to tell her, even still. My heart was pounding. I need to break this silence...i need to break the tension. I say, "I'm gay." Long pause...she looks at me as if to say bullshit and i continue"ok, you know full well I'm not gay, but i do crossdress and i have for most of my life. The cutlets you found are mine."
Very long talk to follow with a lot of question and answer dialogue. She hugs me and kisses me and tells me, "I already knew they were yours. I wanted to see if you would be 100% open with me, and if not, i would have left you because i can't live with secrets." Bear in mind, this all happened like two days after we unloaded the u-haul with all of her belongings into my house.
Two weeks later, she asks to see my collection, and i show her my fem clothes, boxes and tubs of clothes tucked away in a deep closet. Breast forms, heels, corsets, everything.
Two weeks later i am unpacking all of those clothes into a dresser. Hanging up dresses in the closet. Wow! I am exstatic that for the first time, EVER, i can put my panties and bras and shapewear, stockings, shorts, slacks, jeans, tops, dresses, skirts, etc.......in drawers or a closet! They don't have to be tucked away, out of sight anymore in boxes or tubs. Holy crap! What a feeling that was, and still is!
She has asked me to dress for her, which i have a few times, though feeling great embarrassment. I am having trouble, even though she is so accepting, dressing in front of her, being open about it. I guess because I have hid it for so long, felt shame about it for so long.
There is one thing I still haven't fully told her about, nbe. I did tell her i have a noogleberry and she didn't seem so keen on me modifying my body, so I very rarely use it anymore. But i am back using pm again, with buds just starting at only 2 weeks in this time around. She's going to see them. She's going to feel them. She's going to have questions. I have no idea how that conversation will go, but hopefully better than I anticipate. Time will tell!
Anyway, i just want to thank everyone here who has helped me without even knowing it. I have read sooooooo much and learned soooooo much here through all of your experiences and reading all the questions and answers.
), I was sure noone's interested in my clumsily worded halfbaked opinions and trivial experiences. While it might be quite true, it's also beside the point. Being able to talk freely about oneself without a need of others' approval is a key to self-acceptance and self-assertion and many struggle with that.
