[JustAbbey]

I have been thinking... The little makeup experiment while ago and my recent awesome boob growth + body changes since I started pm have really changed my perspective. Towards the idea that I could actually pass for a woman. I've had so many people comment on the latest pictures that I could that I'm really starting to believe it. What I see in mirror is of course somewhat distorted, not seeing forest from the trees, but all things said, I'm starting to feel quite confident about this and it certainly is strengthening my resolve on going forward. And its been a tremendous confidence boost. I have quite severe difficulty taking so many kind words and compliments and overall niceness. A lot of which from people who are not part of the "scene" even.

In my current situation in life, I still have to present as male for most of the time which I'm fine with, but I think the girl inside will start to creep in my daily life more as time goes by... I'm tempted to get really dolled up and go out as a woman some time. Its really tempting and I think if I choose the right time and place, could be also very liberating experience. I've been out with some close friends somewhat dressed up many times by now, but not with everything imaginable. That could be awesome. Some days ago I had a friend visit me who I hadn't seen for months, he's in the know and really nice so I thought to test the waters and see how he reacts, it was late morning so I wasn't wearing much when he showed up. He saw me switch shirts and put my bra on and all and didn't bat an eye about it. Sure gave couple of looks and I was so scared he would comment something crazy, funny to be excited and scared in company of a good friend, that's kinda new.

But in the end it felt so good, one more friend who doesn't get bothered about this stuff, wonderful. Anyway... I'm starting to have some faith in myself, to the shy girl inside who wants to be herself. Its funny how this stuff makes me shy, I'm normally not shy at all. About almost anything, including my body. (Thanks for somewhat intact self image and Finnish sauna culture. xD ) 

I think I'll let the shy girl get dressed really pretty and go walk the dog some day soon... Or perhaps go somewhere at daytime for a drink. Or to have a 37th birthday party on Saturday 23rd.

That’s awesome! It is funny how that progression seems to happen bit by bit. I’ve wondered where the line between effeminate man and masculine woman is, and which side I’d be most comfortable on? The funny thing is the idea of being an effeminate man used to really bother me, but now not so much. I guess a marriage and kids sorta removes the self-doubt on that front. At some point, all these categorizations are just fun mental games, and you go out and live your life.

I’ll be 37 in June! If we were closer together I’d totally find a place to grab a drink and celebrate! Assuming we can do that again 

[Heaven's Night]

That’s awesome! It is funny how that progression seems to happen bit by bit. I’ve wondered where the line between effeminate man and masculine woman is, and which side I’d be most comfortable on? The funny thing is the idea of being an effeminate man used to really bother me, but now not so much. I guess a marriage and kids sorta removes the self-doubt on that front. At some point, all these categorizations are just fun mental games, and you go out and live your life.

I’ll be 37 in June! If we were closer together I’d totally find a place to grab a drink and celebrate! Assuming we can do that again 

It really is gradual... As time goes by I keep on leaning more toward MtF direction as its starting to feel way more comfortable. But one thing I'm quite sure about, the "tough" side of me will probably never leave me and I can conjure it up when ever I need to. But in my mind my toughness has always been the female variety. How can I explain it? Even when I bullied, it took a long long for anger to surpass my kindness, but when that storm is let loose, nothing is safe.

Oh heck it would be a lot of fun for sure! June? That makes you a Gemini doesn't it? Which day were you born on?

I was going to tell a little story here about my first (real deal) girlfriend and the bunch of friends I had back then. One of the happiest times of my life. I had several short teenage dates before her, but she was the first I absolutely fell for. She's a Gemini too btw. Gemini people always make me fall in love with them, I can't help it. I made friends with bunch of girls on the church confirmation school back when I was 14, little did I know that one of their friends was to become my first "long" relationship, for two times, first lasted three months, she left me. Later that craze ignited again and it took 11 months. That was a loong long time back when I was fifteen. Most of my friends weren't even dating yet. She was a sort of tomboy, both in looks and personality and I loved it. Her friends who I was already familiar with were the bunch to hang out together. Girls only about 90% of the time and I was just one of them, it felt so natural, we did everything a bunch of teenage girls do. That was the first time when this happened but definitely not the last... They liked to do my hair and some times a makeover, they shared secrets with me, I knew all the cool rumors about everyone and somehow it just worked. I was one of them and not "boyfriend of M" as it was with other boyfriends of someone in that little gang. I went everywhere with them, we did it all and it was so much fun. The first time in my life I had bunch of really cool friends with whom I felt sort of real kinship. More than with most boys up to that age. It was different. The amount of sex I had with M was just amazing, everything was new and exciting and fun back then. One of my favorite things was to read Demi which was a zine aimed for teenage girls, someone in the bunch had a subscription and I loved that stuff, it never felt awkward... The only thing I sometimes felt awkward with was when ever there was a clear divide about gender in some things. Heck we even went to sauna together and all, never an issue. Why would it be, we were bunch of best friends. <3

All things come to an end and so did my dating with M, she left me one day never telling me the reason why. She just packed her things and left. Just like every Gemini I've fallen in love with excluding friends. Along with her went my cool girl gang, I still miss those days as I've never had anything of sorts since. But that about three years time was amazing, I wont ever forget one bit of it. I revere those memories and still think how my best friends of the time are doing these days... Its been ages since I talked with them.

[JustAbbey]

That’s awesome! It is funny how that progression seems to happen bit by bit. I’ve wondered where the line between effeminate man and masculine woman is, and which side I’d be most comfortable on? The funny thing is the idea of being an effeminate man used to really bother me, but now not so much. I guess a marriage and kids sorta removes the self-doubt on that front. At some point, all these categorizations are just fun mental games, and you go out and live your life.

I’ll be 37 in June! If we were closer together I’d totally find a place to grab a drink and celebrate! Assuming we can do that again 

It really is gradual... As time goes by I keep on leaning more toward MtF direction as its starting to feel way more comfortable. But one thing I'm quite sure about, the "tough" side of me will probably never leave me and I can conjure it up when ever I need to. But in my mind my toughness has always been the female variety. How can I explain it? Even when I bullied, it took a long long for anger to surpass my kindness, but when that storm is let loose, nothing is safe.

Oh heck it would be a lot of fun for sure! June? That makes you a Gemini doesn't it? Which day were you born on?

I was going to tell a little story here about my first (real deal) girlfriend and the bunch of friends I had back then. One of the happiest times of my life. I had several short teenage dates before her, but she was the first I absolutely fell for. She's a Gemini too btw. Gemini people always make me fall in love with them, I can't help it. I made friends with bunch of girls on the church confirmation school back when I was 14, little did I know that one of their friends was to become my first "long" relationship, for two times, first lasted three months, she left me. Later that craze ignited again and it took 11 months. That was a loong long time back when I was fifteen. Most of my friends weren't even dating yet. She was a sort of tomboy, both in looks and personality and I loved it. Her friends who I was already familiar with were the bunch to hang out together. Girls only about 90% of the time and I was just one of them, it felt so natural, we did everything a bunch of teenage girls do. That was the first time when this happened but definitely not the last... They liked to do my hair and some times a makeover, they shared secrets with me, I knew all the cool rumors about everyone and somehow it just worked. I was one of them and not "boyfriend of M" as it was with other boyfriends of someone in that little gang. I went everywhere with them, we did it all and it was so much fun. The first time in my life I had bunch of really cool friends with whom I felt sort of real kinship. More than with most boys up to that age. It was different. The amount of sex I had with M was just amazing, everything was new and exciting and fun back then. One of my favorite things was to read Demi which was a zine aimed for teenage girls, someone in the bunch had a subscription and I loved that stuff, it never felt awkward... The only thing I sometimes felt awkward with was when ever there was a clear divide about gender in some things. Heck we even went to sauna together and all, never an issue. Why would it be, we were bunch of best friends. <3

All things come to an end and so did my dating with M, she left me one day never telling me the reason why. She just packed her things and left. Just like every Gemini I've fallen in love with excluding friends. Along with her went my cool girl gang, I still miss those days as I've never had anything of sorts since. But that about three years time was amazing, I wont ever forget one bit of it. I revere those memories and still think how my best friends of the time are doing these days... Its been ages since I talked with them.

My birthday is June 2nd.

Ah youth   I’m glad you can look back on those times. I’m a little envious of you finding both a sexual relationship and group of friends at that age - I wanted both more than anything at that point in my life. I had a good group of high-school friends, but nothing tight knit. I want to a very small high school (only 23 kids in my class) so there was almost no chance of a serious dating relationship, or at least that’s what I thought at the time. Looking back, I just never had the courage to ask anyone out on a date - I hate rejection and had convinced myself I would be rejected.

My similar experience was in college - I finally found the group of friends I was particularly tight with, and started dating seriously for the first time. My longest girlfriend at the time was also a bit of a tom boy (she ended trying out girls too after we broke up), but I was older than her by a couple of years, and she had some weird daddy issues going on. It was the most ‘free to be myself and experiment’ time that I’ve ever felt. The drugs were good too   It was a mix of guys and girls, but very gender fluid looking back at it. In fact, I think I was attracted to all of them precisely because it was very non-binary, and I fit right in. 

It all seemed so easy back then...

[Heaven's Night]

Heck my boobs are so sore today, I bumped into something at work and darn it hurts so good. The growth pains are making me into a masochist. I started FG and MSM yesterday. I read somewhere that FG works well when cycled so I'm making it go in sync with pm, off for weeks 1 and 2, on for 3 and 4. MSM I will keep constant along with vitamin D3. I'm very eager to see what this addition will do in the long run.

I'll get my new clothes today or tomorrow. I think I'll take some new pics with them some day soon.

[Heaven's Night]

I got them today... And its making me speechless... I love this stuff, all the sizes fit right off the bat. And I had a jaw dropping moment seeing myself wearing this stuff. I feel so good its out of this world. I didn't think just to wear certain stuff would trigger the "yep, this is me" feeling. I think every more or less MtF dudette knows what I'm talking about. Jeez... I'm blushing.

[MsMichelle]

I got them today... And its making me speechless... I love this stuff, all the sizes fit right off the bat. And I had a jaw dropping moment seeing myself wearing this stuff. I feel so good its out of this world. I didn't think just to wear certain stuff would trigger the "yep, this is me" feeling. I think every more or less MtF dudette knows what I'm talking about. Jeez... I'm blushing.

Wow you look great hun!!!!!
You really should go out and have fun, your really very pretty

[Alexis P]

I got them today... And its making me speechless... I love this stuff, all the sizes fit right off the bat. And I had a jaw dropping moment seeing myself wearing this stuff. I feel so good its out of this world. I didn't think just to wear certain stuff would trigger the "yep, this is me" feeling. I think every more or less MtF dudette knows what I'm talking about. Jeez... I'm blushing.

You look fantastic! Those clothes were really made for you!

Glad to see you so happy with them! <3

Hugs

-Alexis

[Heaven's Night]

Thanks Michelle. <3 Yea, I think I should when a proper occasion arises.

Alexis, I sure am, it seems I'm getting good at measuring myself and throwing dice about fitting clothes. Or it was just a lucky shot in the dark. No need to return anything. I also bought some really sexy stuff that's perhaps bit too naughty to share here. xD Anyway, I love these. Feels comfy.

And they accentuate all the right parts too. 

[Stevenator.]

You really could pull that look off with a leather jacket.
Very nice!

[Heaven's Night]

You really could pull that look off with a leather jacket.
Very nice!

I bet my brown ladies jacket would be a perfect fit with these... Its Finnish made, got it for free from a guitarist friend, it was too big for him but perfect fit for me. Oh and I got brown army boots which go well with it, reproduction of US army 1940's paratrooper boots.