[member47]

Hello 

HelloDiDi,

Were you able to get your hands on estradiol cream from amazon you talked about in Lotus thread?

Hello there.

Unfortunately not yet, I got a nasty surprise this month, a high water bill out of the blue which I had to pay so that'll wait until my next payday... Or near the end of the month, if I'm doing good by then, I'll order it for sure. Seems very promising.
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I ordered it, but I'm from EU so I hope it goes through customs, if not, the fine is 150$, ouch. If I get it, I will report back

[BillieJean17]

DiDi, the pictures of your progress are very impressive.  Love the picture of your female face.  Keep at it girl.  Love, BJ

[Heaven's Night]

DiDi, the pictures of your progress are very impressive.  Love the picture of your female face.  Keep at it girl.  Love, BJ

Thanks. ♥ Although not impressive in the way I would like it, noogling record is a thing, but I cant wait to get there permanently... Which seems to be the inevitable result given the time.

Speaking of results and plans, I should get the reishi in couple of days. Last time I checked the parcel was in Lithuania so not that far. Hopefully the pm arrives soon too as I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel. I think I will finally take the plunge and start to take pm + others without off weeks, just slightly cycle the doses. I'm done with being on slow gear and more than willing to see if this works better on me. Addition of reishi will certainly kick things up a notch as pm already clearly is having a nice AA effect on me. Also I wont be taking more than 1500-2000mg per day, likely to keep the highest dose for the second week of the cycle as I have done so far.

I think more stable dose will likely help curb the worst of the emotional rollercoaster. Nothing new to tell about them boobies at this time, I'm hoping to have a reason to in the near future.

[Heaven's Night]

Ohkay, I might get my reishi delivered today and I got a text message about the PM being in transit, hopefully onboard an airplane. With little luk I may have both very soon and no need to switch to shittier brand in between. I've had to do that once and I don't want it again. As this month is so tight with money, I couldn't yet stock up the way I wanted to, but will do so asap.

Last night I had a sort of mental breakdown. Cried a lot, let out so much frustration, stress and being tired with everything. Its mainly my job that keeps on ruining things. Social exhaustion without a chance to recharge from it. Weekends are busy with music stuff which albeit fun, is also exhausting. I feel like I'm burning out unless I get a relief of some kind. Doesn't make sense to get a sick leave either as I would loose some income and I want to take everything out of the last few months at work. Less than 3 months to go and I think I will just soldier through it and then take several weeks off of everything, go to our summerhouse, go fishing, quit smoking while at it and just take a rest from the world. I need it, badly.

Woke up early today, feeling perhaps slightly better. But all the mental crap I keep carrying around does not leave me so easily. One good night sleep wont take it away. I'm not sure what will. My confidence is still crap, my self image may be somewhat distorted and perhaps I'm reaching towards such horizons I can only dream about. Maybe I'm, as usual, just too harsh on myself... I've heard that told me in the last year or so many times, to be more gentle and forgiving. If it would be easy, I would already be there, but I can't.

Where ever I look, I seem to see my dreams, often feeling like I can never get there, never even close. Like a mountain I need to climb without a map, in a storm while blindfolded. And then I see the greener grass, slim body I dream about which is very difficult to get at without extreme self discipline and putting in energy to it, energy which I don't have... I'm barely staying afloat, barely make it through with my work and on my free time, I'm either exhausted, sleeping or in a complete unmotivated state of catatonia due to being socially drained by all the interaction I get. I'm so much of an introvert these days its weird, seemingly more so each day. And then there's alastonsuomi.com to which I'm quickly getting such hate for, I may take a break from there, or only check comments and do nothing else. I've done that before for the same reasons. I pay too much attention and compare all the time and I can't seem to stop it. When I see men, I see in what I have failed and things that I can't be... When I see women, I see what I can't become and feel like I can only be a cheap imitation. The worst are women with common traits, bodies that have similarities with mine, but they have everything I didn't, they have it by nature and for free or by rigorous exercise and discipline... While for me to reach to those horizons, I need to jump hoops, put in insane amount of effort and trouble and money and yet I probably still can't get there without a truckload of money and surgeons knife which would probably end up not even close as good anyway.

All the nice things many times repeated, you got to rock what you got, got to be happy with what you've been given, concentrate on the good stuff and so on... It feels like empty words to fill the void and feel better about the things I lack. Even though all those pretty words are somewhat true. Trying to think positive is so extremely difficult when I'm surrounded with such perfection which might be only a dream that will just keep escaping me. Every time I reach something, a new goal and feel good about myself the universe comes in trolling me how what I got is still so little and worlds away from what I wish to become. Like the picture I'm going to attach to this posts... That's what I wish to have, but probably never will.

On days like this I curse my shitty luck of having being born to this body and not something else. And still I love it to some extent, if I would hate myself, it would be meaningless to exist. And there's so much that can be done, but I feel I'm burning out and that my options are so few. Its like running a marathon that million others have already won. What am I trying to prove?

Cursed be the bad luck... Even though the chase is better than the catch, why did I end up like this? Had I been born different... Would I be happy? Maybe. And I'm so much better off than most others in the same situation. That doesn't really change it.

[Heaven's Night]

All the internal conflicts and feeling inferior aside... Its amazing how much so little can do. I got dressed as I'm heading to a rehearsal in about two hours and just putting on some nice clothes, untangling messed up hair and shaving clean can do. Feel so much at home like this.

So... Does the dude look like a lady?

[wee2er]

All the internal conflicts and feeling inferior aside... Its amazing how much so little can do. I got dressed as I'm heading to a rehearsal in about two hours and just putting on some nice clothes, untangling messed up hair and shaving clean can do. Feel so much at home like this.

So... Does the dude look like a lady?

Hi Didi, Having a tough time, I feel for you and can only encourage you to look after yourself and don't be so harsh on yourself too.
Oh, dude looks very much like a lady

[Heaven's Night]

All the internal conflicts and feeling inferior aside... Its amazing how much so little can do. I got dressed as I'm heading to a rehearsal in about two hours and just putting on some nice clothes, untangling messed up hair and shaving clean can do. Feel so much at home like this.

So... Does the dude look like a lady?

Hi Didi, Having a tough time, I feel for you and can only encourage you to look after yourself and don't be so harsh on yourself too.
Oh, dude looks very much like a lady

Its really difficult some times... Last week or so has been terribly tough on me. I started the next cycle prematurely, I couldn't take it any more, I have to act.

Thanks. <3 No makeup in the picture btw, jut some lip balm with slight red tint on it.

[Happyme]

All the internal conflicts and feeling inferior aside... Its amazing how much so little can do. I got dressed as I'm heading to a rehearsal in about two hours and just putting on some nice clothes, untangling messed up hair and shaving clean can do. Feel so much at home like this.

So... Does the dude look like a lady?

Hell yes she does!
With just a touch of makeup you'd be over the top!!!
Huggs
Bobbi

[Happyme]

Didi my love,
Your in a tough time right now, sometimes a lady.
Your mind and body are in conflict because your happiest enfemme but the boy needs to still be there for work and other stuff.
Once you have opted out of male mode and are able to take on DiDi 100% life will get very hard and then suddenly wonderful.

I'm not sure if I've preached this to to you before but here it goes again.
It takes exactly the same amount of effort to convince your self life is poo as it does to convince yourself its amazing!
Try it
take a week, and every morning when you wake, enjoy the beautiful woman you are becoming, enjoy your beautiful breasts, and feminine features.
Enjoy the warm bed, enjoy the sun, or rain, or snow. Enjoy the beauty of it all. Enjoy the breakfast, enjoy the day and say thank you to whom ever you want for being alive to enjoy these wonders.
DONT LET A SAD OR BAD THOUGHT ENTER YOUR HEAD.
After week you'll find all of life will become easier and easier.

Report next week
1 page 200 words, single spaced 

Love ya
Bobbi

[Heaven's Night]

Didi my love,
Your in a tough time right now, sometimes a lady.
Your mind and body are in conflict because your happiest enfemme but the boy needs to still be there for work and other stuff.
Once you have opted out of male mode and are able to take on DiDi 100% life will get very hard and then suddenly wonderful.

I'm not sure if I've preached this to to you before but here it goes again.
It takes exactly the same amount of effort to convince your self life is poo as it does to convince yourself its amazing!
Try it
take a week, and every morning when you wake, enjoy the beautiful woman you are becoming, enjoy your beautiful breasts, and feminine features.
Enjoy the warm bed, enjoy the sun, or rain, or snow. Enjoy the beauty of it all. Enjoy the breakfast, enjoy the day and say thank you to whom ever you want for being alive to enjoy these wonders.
DONT LET A SAD OR BAD THOUGHT ENTER YOUR HEAD.
After week you'll find all of life will become easier and easier.

Report next week
1 page 200 words, single spaced 

Love ya
Bobbi

Such a lovely post, I don't know what to say. <3

Very good, sound advice right there. That's pretty much what I try to do, but keep on failing it... I'm just too harsh on myself and terrible with over thinking.

One big big change will be coming down the line btw, and that is ending of my job contract. This means that what ever is the next job I may apply for, I can go there as me and play no roles what so ever if its a place with new people why don't know me yet. But this is likely to be somewhere far in the future as I'm planning to take at least few months off work, concentrate on myself, music, fishing, my transition, life. Hopefully I will be able to make ends meet without too much problems. Perhaps I'll start doing something as a side business to get some coin.

Btw.... I got a cool new shirt. With my name on it. xD I mean I would be HelloTitty here too if it were not for the moderation rules.... That's my nickname on several other sites. And I think I got a nice picture snapped. Messed up hair and all. After rehearsal look. Somehow I get a punk vibe from this, but that's me baby. <3