[rachel90]

Why do i desire to have breasts? i'm 31, single (no children) a very religious family, and for more than half of my live I've been struggling with the burning desire to have breasts and in general a feminine body, i'm ashamed of my desire and i try to keep it buried down deep inside. I know that my fear are the result of internalized transphobia, which prevent me to even searching  professional help. I've tried pm several times, got some very minimal results, got scared  and got rid of the pills, every time .

Excuse me for venting, but i have no one to talk about this need/feel I've been struggling with

I know there is no answer on "Why" since human mind and soul comes in all shape and size, and since we get only one life (at least in occidental belief) we should follow our desire

[Kay]

Rachel,

Many of us have a similar story. I lived as tough guy toxic male for decades because that is what I was 'supposed' to be according to my family. It took a lot of work to finally accept that deep down inside I was sensitive, nurturing and feminine. Before I was angry, anxious and depressed. Now I am happy, calm and euphoric. My family members who themselves suffered from toxic masculinity never found happiness and live as angry souls blaming everyone else for their problems.

I have read some scientific articles about why some people turn out to be transgender. It can be from the exposure of us as a fetus to the hormones that our mother releases in her body. There are valid reasons for being transgender. We are not bad and how we feel is not a choice. Native Americans used to believe that their transgender people were gifted.

I would encourage you to explore how YOU feel and not live your life for what others think. People used to murder other people who didn't believe the the sun and planets revolved around the earth. Women were burned for being witches. Trans-phobic beliefs are fear based and outdated ideas.

I hope this helps. You can find friends and support here.

-Kay

[rachel90]

thanks Kay

[Drew]

thanks Kay

There is no need for shame in desiring a body that you feel comfortable in. I for one live working in a job which is well... I need to be aggressive at times, very, but on the right side of the law. I'm now quite feminine body wise and colleagues have obviously noticed how small, or light I have become in the last few years. They think picking me up and moving me away if I'm standing in the corridor talking and in their way is very funny. I DONT!!! 
However you can be whoever you wish to be and astonishingly the vast majority will accept that and the minority that dont, well they can F off.
I know family is a bit more of a concern but it will need a huge amount of transformation for them to even notice which will take years, family members just see you.

[rachel90]

I probably will need to lean on my family in the next year due to the necessity to change the place i work in, they are very judgemental and narrow minded. My mom probably would think someone cursed me or that i'm possesed (that's the level of absurdity i have to deal with).

[Drew]

I probably will need to lean on my family in the next year due to the necessity to change the place i work in, they are very judgemental and narrow minded. My mom probably would think someone cursed me or that i'm possesed (that's the level of absurdity i have to deal with).

Well life can be absurd rachel my mum wanted another daughter so I became that, until puberty hit in then that was over. I think I have been doing this about 3 years now and they are suprisingly easy to hide everybody becomes an expert at that. Oversize clothing or something distracting to take the attention away from your chest. There is always a possibility of being clocked that will happen. eg I got caught in a heavy rainstorm in a supermarket car park on the way to my car my oversize t-shirt was just sticking to me, I may well have been absolutely naked then so there will be occasions that, okay this isn't good.
I don't know if this will help but in the beginning I was very self concious and afraid of people noticing but the the further I developed the less I cared.

[rachel90]

Thank you very much Drew, I really appreciate the opportunity to discuss this topic since I have not mastered the courage to talk about it with anyone irl. I would really like to dive into this persistente desire, since as time pass it seems to remain with me.

I'm worried about disappointing my family, but, on the other side I'm worried aboutdisappoint myself too- ignoring what I feel I miss

 

[Drew]

Thank you very much Drew, I really appreciate the opportunity to discuss this topic since I have not mastered the courage to talk about it with anyone irl. I would really like to dive into this persistente desire, since as time pass it seems to remain with me.

I'm worried about disappointing my family, but, on the other side I'm worried aboutdisappoint myself too- ignoring what I feel I miss

 

Well there will be on the journey ups and downs highs and lows so not trying to be negative  but I think it's worth it. I mean I'm on a low now, I am ample enough to fill my bras but I look at women and lately am feeling insecure. That is absurd I know and those feelings and that depression will pass eventually but there may be times that you question just what you are doing or have done to yourself. However for me personally I don't know in what state I would be if I hadn't,  probably somewhere I wouldnt like. It can be difficult to go through life living up to everybody's expectations or what you may perceive as their expectations but you do need to take care of you and your needs eventually and some people may suprise you.

[rachel90]

As you said  the "what i'm doing to myself" thought mixed with the deep radicated necessity to please/have my family support are the main reasons I purged my two precedent PM order (first was 6 yrs ago). The "problem" is that I keep thinking about wanting to grow breasts and having a more feminine body, sometimes I feel like i'm missing body parts - probably dont make any sense - and go back  to search on how to do it, and envy those brave enought! I'm afraid I'm ignoring my necessity. Part of my doubt are due to the fact that the tought of getting a more feminine body is a big turn-on for me.

I'm kinda tired of this inner turmoil, I know I need to talk about it - probably i need professional help - but I think at least talking with someone who experience similar feeling may help

[Drew]

As you said  the "what i'm doing to myself" thought mixed with the deep radicated necessity to please/have my family support are the main reasons I purged my two precedent PM order (first was 6 yrs ago). The "problem" is that I keep thinking about wanting to grow breasts and having a more feminine body, sometimes I feel like i'm missing body parts - probably dont make any sense - and go back  to search on how to do it, and envy those brave enought! I'm afraid I'm ignoring my necessity. Part of my doubt are due to the fact that the tought of getting a more feminine body is a big turn-on for me.

I'm kinda tired of this inner turmoil, I know I need to talk about it - probably i need professional help - but I think at least talking with someone who experience similar feeling may help

of course it makes sense and you DON'T need profesional help you just need your own help.
We do this for a number of reasons,  not going into that now but if I put on a bra and look at myself filling it do you think I feel nothing? Of course I'm hugely turned on, I look at my own body and am massively turned on and really want her.....a lot! But can't because it's me but she is...well curvy, honest and absolutely faithful passoinate and vunlerable unlike the other bitches I met or dated. This is nothing to be ashamed of or think it's just wrong, you can sculpture your body into being the person you adore and there is no shame in that. Whenever I hear the whine 'I was born in the wrong body' I just want to slap those people because we weren't but we do have the possibility to correct our body to the way we feel it should be and if those changes turn us on then we know we are doing it right. I'm constantly hugely turned on by my own body that may sound like narcissus but that's just how it works.  You can look at yourself and think okay that's workable or look at yourself and think WOW that is a really hot body.  Others opinions may seem important but it's quite astonishing how acceptable people are.