Hi Nipply, I just finished reading your thread, and I must say that there were soooo many things I could relate to, but what resonated the most with me was the conflict, the self doubt, the "why can't I just be a regular guy that likes women. I have it all, a good career, a great partner and a child, why can't I just be happy like this?".
One of the issues I've struggled most with is the fact that I do not hate my body. I don't like it much, but I don't hate it. I just feel a female body would suit me better, much, much better 
. Of course all this being mixed with porn and sexuality makes the disphoria an easy target for blanket statements such as "it's just a kink".
I believe that the fear we feel about transitioning, and the repercussions it would bring, is what keeps us clinging to anything that might "disprove" we are trans. Hence, "it's just a kink" or "I'm just exploring" becomes an easy cop out from the dilema.
The thing is, as rational human beings, we hate being in doubt, we like certainty, order, it makes us feel safe, assured in ourselves thinking we know who we are, what we want, and where we're going. But if these pages are any proof, nothing could be further from the truth; and this brings us more pain because we end up thinking " what is wrong with me, I'm XX old, I should have figured out what I want by now".
All in all, I'm still confused and scared, and somewhat I feel I want external validation that what I want is fine, that becoming a woman is fine, and that all the emotional pain and suffering I would have to go through If I started transitioning will be worth it. But after reading your thread, and how your mind changed from 2018 to today, I'm more and more convinced the validation, the answer, can only come from whithin.
(14-12-2021, 05:54 PM)Sonya Wrote:I believe that the fear we feel about transitioning, and the repercussions it would bring, is what keeps us clinging to anything that might "disprove" we are trans. Hence, "it's just a kink" or "I'm just exploring" becomes an easy cop out from the dilema.
... I'm more and more convinced the validation, the answer, can only come from whithin.
I'm about to start too.
Sometimes I wonder if it's because I would love to transition but i"m afraid to hurt people who I love the most, that I'm now starting.
Maybe I just want to reach a point of no return? Maybe I want to get to a situation where I don't have to make a choice but where I don't have a choice anymore?
If that makes sense....
(14-12-2021, 07:40 PM)eve_phedrina Wrote:(14-12-2021, 05:54 PM)Sonya Wrote:I believe that the fear we feel about transitioning, and the repercussions it would bring, is what keeps us clinging to anything that might "disprove" we are trans. Hence, "it's just a kink" or "I'm just exploring" becomes an easy cop out from the dilema.
... I'm more and more convinced the validation, the answer, can only come from whithin.
I'm about to start too.
Sometimes I wonder if it's because I would love to transition but i"m afraid to hurt people who I love the most, that I'm now starting.
Maybe I just want to reach a point of no return? Maybe I want to get to a situation where I don't have to make a choice but where I don't have a choice anymore?
If that makes sense....
I agree and In my own reflexion, I decided to let it being a kink as I do enjoy the journey along with the self care. I don't want it to be a chore or a duty.
As far as having to cross a bridge at some point with relatives, I'll be able the present a developed product and be just blunt about it. I do put myself in their shoes and I will never force them to have to deal with the confusing messages a transition sends.
We notice the crossdressers in the streets but the passable ones always pass under the radar.
I see it that way. 
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Not having a choice sounds relieving, however, let's not fool ourselves, the choice is always ours. I think we are testing the waters to figure out if it's the right one.
Regarding my program, I'm afraid I won't be posting pictures of progress, only measurements. I'm still in stealth mode and with all the body hair I have I'd look absolutely hideous. So far there isn't much to report, I'll reach the end of the first cycle soon, and the usual is happening, small fat deposits forming on the chest, smooth skin, nipples are erect most of the time and tingly now and then, but I doubt there has been any measurable difference. I think reporting new measures every quarter would be more appropriate.
Wishing you all happy holidays and new year!,
Stay safe, and feed that inner lady.
