[Sonya]

Hi all,

A few days ago, while in bed, right after I had rejected my so's advances for sex for the Nth time , I had a sort of epiphany "I am a woman". The words came into my head like they did so many times before, except now it didn't sound like a question, it was an affirmation, I am a woman!. And a wave of relieve and excitement swept through me; and It felt like the time - after 4 years of intense therapy to sort out tons of unresolved issues with my mother - I realised "I can be loved, I am loved". The realization came not in a superficial way, but in a sort of deep "store this in your heart and never let it go" way.

In the days that have passed since that moment, I have been mentally exploring if being a woman in all situations - other than sex - would feel right, and I must say so far it's looking good.

But with this realization, another ugly monster has showed it's head. I cannot begin to understand what I'd be putting my partner and daughter through if I came out. I think I would like to transition, but the thought of causing them that much pain is unbearable. Our daughter (I'm not her bio "dad"), after moving city and various other family issues, along with mom needing to work 2 jobs to keep a roof over their heads, is finally in a stable environment, and I simply can't bear the thought of ruining that.

My partner, I know she is hetero thru and thru, and likes her man manly (bearded, hairy...) so I'm almost 100% certain coming out would kill her and the relationship. I try to put myself in her position, and I would feel betrayed, cheated and desolated, like if someone had killed my husband. How could I put her through that?

On the other hand, I still need to talk to a therapist about all this, but it doesn't look good. I think that "epiphany" has awakened something, and it can't be put to sleep again.

Any advice?.

Thanks,

Sonya

[Kay]

I have had similar thoughts, it can be a real struggle for us. I read a lot on the internet. There are some families that make it thru a transition and are happy and thriving, many others don't make it. I am able to feminize my body, grow my hair long, pierce my ears and polish my toe nails without having to come out to all the family. My wife knows and is semi-accepting. I think my kids would revolt and my work would be a real problem if I transitioned. No one outside of my wife sees my body. I only wear earrings at home and sometimes on the weekends. Other men in my office at work have let their hair grow longer. That is how I am getting away with it, and for me, it's enough to satisfy my needs to be a woman. I have some clothes and makeup that I wear occasionally at home. I guess that I am lucky that my wife is semi-accepting. But she needs a man in life too. I don't feel like a man inside, I feel 100% female since I can remember as a small child.

I am not sure if you could find a balance like me. I have struggled my whole life as a pleaser and doing things for others at the expense of my own needs. I feel like I am doing this for myself finally. I often ask myself, why would I have to live my life a certain way just to make others happy?

It's a tough place to be in. Transgender people are still not accepted in the world. It's a little better than years ago, but some people still think of us in a bad way. I feel like some time in the future, transitioning will be common and accepted.

I also have seen conversations on the web that talk about, what if you wife wanted to become a man. This has happened BTW. Would you still accept them, stay with them and love them? For me, I am not attracted to men, but I would stay with them if this happened in my situation. There would be a lot of adjustment, but I love them as a person and would do my best to continue. But that is just me.

Talking with your therapist is probably best. I hope I at least shed some light on this topic.

Good luck with your journey,

Kay

[Jamie-May]

It's often tragic for many transgender I think. Many will have some guilt or sadness to overcome. The stories can have different starts, different paths taken, different current life struggles... The truth is however, not all of those taking the route of transition will be able to maintain much of their old life I think. There will almost always be loss... I'm not lucky enough to keep much of my old life with me at least.

I'm not married. I never even had many girlfriends in my life as I always felt so conflicted for various reasons. I shied away from all that. But even so I have to deal with guilt too in my own way. The unavoidable sense of knowing that with my choice, I will hurt people if I told them. The only path I think would have the least pain for me and them would be to break all ties with my family and friends without telling them who I am and hope they never seek me out in person later. If they do they will only find pain, leaving only scorn at their thoughts of me rather than of the memories I'd left behind with them.

I'm sorry. Maybe my reply will be worthless here, because in the end I can't give you an answer that would make everything better. I don't think anyone can. I also can't relate to what it would feel like to make your SO and step-daughter have to go through the pains your choice might bring.

I can only say that even though I know I'll be losing my old life, my parents, siblings, and many of my friends and family, I still will walk this path. I do so because after all my years of hiding away and being who others want, after finally starting walking down the road of transition and finally caring about my life, my health, and my body, I can't just turn back anymore. I don't want to return to the stressful, panic filled, and regretful life that I had before.

It will hurt. I'll cry, I know it, when the time comes to leave my old life behind. But after that I hope I can smile. I hope I can be the person I've wanted to be all my life and be with the person I want to share my life with now.

I suggest that you do what you say and go to therapy for the time being. Maybe you'll find out this isn't the way you should go. Maybe it will be. No matter the choice, I hope you will find your truth in the process and be happier for it.

[Sonya]

Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful responses. I think you are right that some loss will be inevitable, but I cannot do a clean break, there's too much at stake, and I'm at a point in life where starting from scratch would be extremely difficult if not impossible.

Work wise I've built a successful career over the last 15+ years which I can't throw away, however, my field - at least I'd like to think - is more open/accomodating of LGBTQ+ people, so I don't anticipate huge issues there, maybe a salary drop due to ingrained missoginy, but not much more.

Direct family is also not terrible; the only person left I truly care about is my father, and I think he'd struggle, but ultimately understand that I need to transition to be happy.

Friends is another kettle of fish entirely, I think I might lose close to 50%, and no less than 25-30% of them.

My SO and stepdaugther..... that's where it'd hurt most.

So far I intend to start therapy in January, and continue with my NBE program. Hopefully I can delay comming out until my stepdaughter starts college (3.5 yrs), but I'm afraid this ship has left the dock, and however long it takes to complete the journey, it's not coming back.

Happy holidays everyone!

[Kay]

Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful responses. I think you are right that some loss will be inevitable, but I cannot do a clean break, there's too much at stake, and I'm at a point in life where starting from scratch would be extremely difficult if not impossible.

Work wise I've built a successful career over the last 15+ years which I can't throw away, however, my field - at least I'd like to think - is more open/accomodating of LGBTQ+ people, so I don't anticipate huge issues there, maybe a salary drop due to ingrained missoginy, but not much more.

Direct family is also not terrible; the only person left I truly care about is my father, and I think he'd struggle, but ultimately understand that I need to transition to be happy.

Friends is another kettle of fish entirely, I think I might lose close to 50%, and no less than 25-30% of them.

My SO and stepdaugther..... that's where it'd hurt most.

So far I intend to start therapy in January, and continue with my NBE program. Hopefully I can delay comming out until my stepdaughter starts college (3.5 yrs), but I'm afraid this ship has left the dock, and however long it takes to complete the journey, it's not coming back.

Happy holidays everyone!

Hi Sonya,

Happy holidays to you too!

I sent you a private message.

-Kay

[Sonya]

Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful responses. I think you are right that some loss will be inevitable, but I cannot do a clean break, there's too much at stake, and I'm at a point in life where starting from scratch would be extremely difficult if not impossible.

Work wise I've built a successful career over the last 15+ years which I can't throw away, however, my field - at least I'd like to think - is more open/accomodating of LGBTQ+ people, so I don't anticipate huge issues there, maybe a salary drop due to ingrained missoginy, but not much more.

Direct family is also not terrible; the only person left I truly care about is my father, and I think he'd struggle, but ultimately understand that I need to transition to be happy.

Friends is another kettle of fish entirely, I think I might lose close to 50%, and no less than 25-30% of them.

My SO and stepdaugther..... that's where it'd hurt most.

So far I intend to start therapy in January, and continue with my NBE program. Hopefully I can delay comming out until my stepdaughter starts college (3.5 yrs), but I'm afraid this ship has left the dock, and however long it takes to complete the journey, it's not coming back.

Happy holidays everyone!

Hi Sonya,

Happy holidays to you too!

I sent you a private message.

-Kay

Got nothing in my inbox ?

[Kay]

[/quote]

Got nothing in my inbox ?

[/quote]

Hi again,

I was going to suggest reading this article. Not sure what went wrong. Sorry " alt="" title="">

-Kay

https://medium.com/prismnpen/a-puff-slee...c6abca3cc0

[Sonya]

Thank you Kay, that was a very informative post. I do believe I deserve to be happy, which is why I'm doing this. But I guess the question is, am I willing to sacrifice the relationship for my happiness sake?. I really don't want to get to that point, and it scares me to death to think that's what's going to happen. Honestly, I had 4 years of therapy to deal with depression, and it's a place I don't want to get back to, and something in the back of my mind tells me that that's exactly where I'm headed if I don't do anything and just let things be as they are today.

It's a matter of choosing the lesser evil I think, if I do nothing it will be bad for both of us; if I do something, we both get a chance to be happy, even if it's not guaranteed.

[Sonya]

By the way, this is where I don't want to end.

[Jamie-May]

I felt a lot like that story you linked every day before I came to my conclusion, as in, being trapped in a day to day rut in which others moved on and forward while I was always ever stagnant, and I couldn't even (and still honestly can't) tell people why.

I still often think--if I do or say nothing, I can stay with them longer. If I do something though, if I speak up, I can have a new life, the one I wanted, but at the cost of losing everything I've ever known. Fortunately for me I have no wife, no kids, but I do have family and parents. I live with and so close to many of them. If they found out, if I told them, I assume that I will be forced to start a new life either way.

There's no way that my family would understand, you see. They're all so very outspoken against trans, gay, etc. Only my brother might be semi-understanding of it, as he's the most open minded one of them, but I still feel it'd cause a massive schism between us. Perhaps if my family knew how much I suffered inside it wouldn't be as bad as I imagine it. Perhaps it'd be worse and they'd try to force me away from the path I want rather than simply disowning me. I'd not accept that fate.

Regardless--it hurts. It hurts a lot to think about how I'll be hurting them if they find out. It hurts to think that the people that birthed and raised me don't have truly unconditional love. It's just how it is though. People aren't perfect. Parents aren't perfect. Unfortunately for me they, my close family and loved ones, have hurt and hindered me without realizing it. They made me retreat into myself, lock myself away. They made me wait so long to start living. They made me doubt and demonize myself for years and years.

I did realize after two years of major stress leading up to a seizure however, that I had to change. I needed to live as I wanted. And I'll continue down this path because that's what I know I need. That's what I have resolved to do. For me, I've been nothing but way happier and healthier working towards the life I want than I ever was suffering through the life that was forced upon me. For you though, as always, I can only wish you the best of luck in finding your answers and your resolve.