Good Morning Everyone,

Jamie, thank you for your thoughtful post! I have been on the path of self and healing for years. I have also been in therapy on and off for my life's struggles. I have knew all my life that I wanted to be a girl, but pushed the feelings down and lived to make others happy. It has led to great unhappiness, depression and anxiety. 2 years ago, I finally accepted my true feelings. As I have stated many times, I have never been happier. My path to my true self is a healing & spiritual path. The more pain, shame and trauma that I heal, the more I feel like I am a woman.

I wish that I would have transitioned decades ago, but it was really not accepted a few decades ago. I am married with grown children. I have come out to my wife and 2 of my children. They accept me, I have other children that I assume won't. I can't come out at work, take my word on it. My wife understands my feelings, but prefers that I do not transition. Altho she said she will not leave me if I do. I am afraid if I do transition all the way, she will stay with me but become depressed.

In a perfect world, and many people do this, they transition and everyone supports them. Others let the chips fall where they may. They say that we are not responsible for other people's feeling and emotions. So true, but losing people creates so much pain for many of us. I feel like my my transition is in slow motion, like a slow walking marathon. I don't feel that I can ever stop. One day I might open the door and step through, in fact, I see it happening down the road, but just not right now. 

I have found the right balance of feminizing my body, growing my hair out, body hair removal, meditation and NBE that keeps my dysphoria at bay and seems acceptable to those I love. Plus at this point, I can wear men's clothes and hide it. Yes, others think that I am weird for my long hair and earrings, but that is ok. I feel very fortunate to have found this balance. 

Thank you for reading this, I know that I am rambling and probably repeating myself. It helps me to write about my feelings and hope maybe it can help others. I know this path is not easy and can be painful for some. If you have read the stories, many on this path lose their spouse, kids, jobs, house and end up on the street. Others harm themselves (please never do this, always ask for help, you are never alone and everyone's life is worth living!).

I hope that everyone finds the right path,

Kay

You're right Kay. I also hope what I've wrote here wasn't just rambling. I'd like if it has use to Sonya or others that might read it. I'm glad to read yours and other peoples stories. It's nice to share. As you said, it's also kind of therapeutic to do so, and to just write things in general down.

No you were not rambling Jamie, I love to read your posts!

Happy New Year to you Jamie and Sonya (and any others who read this!)

I hope that all of you find your path and achieve your dreams! <3

You were not rambling at all, it is enlightening and relieving to read your and other's experiences. It's almost like therapy, knowing there are others out there with similar problems. It makes you feel you're not alone, that you are not some weirdo out in the internet having strange thoughts.

Jamie, I do not know the full extent of your predicament, however, I'd like to give you some advice if you allow me.

I lived with a narcissistic mother for 27 years, the relationship got so toxic that I had to leave for fear of doing something I'd regret for the rest of my life; it was so bad that it eclipsed my dysphoria for almost a decade, and I needed 4 years of therapy after she passed away to untangle the depressed mess I'd become.

If there is something I learned from that experience is that your family will not live your life for you, only you can do it, they are not responsible for your happiness, you are. In my case, the only thing that allowed the situation to improve was me leaving. I moved out of her house, to another country, putting 1000 miles between us (literally). It was the best decision I've ever made in my life. I made friends, forged a career, heck I even got fitter!.

The bottom line is... never leave your happiness in someone else's hands. And remember, regardless of what your family thinks, you are worthy of love, you can be loved, you will be loved, but the first person that needs to love you is yourself

Happy New Year everyone!!!

You're right Sonya! That's a big part of my realization after I had my seizure a few years back. It led me to start becoming who I wanted, it led me here, and its led me to where I am now. And fortunately for me, I've started making progress in moving out as I've said in some of my posts.

I'll be living with friends rather than family soon enough. This will allow me a good bit more freedom and hopefully let me cut off ties with family by simply being away from them. At any rate living with friends will give me much more freedom. And to be honest I think most of my friends wouldn't care if they knew my secret, I just wouldn't want the risk of family finding out.

Anyway, after a few months there (or a year or two if things go bad for whatever reason with world situations and economy), I plan to move to a completely different state. Miles and miles away from my family and extended family. I won't live for them anymore since that can't bring me happiness. I've realized that completely. I won't waste my life for them. If push comes to shove they'll just have to find out who I am and either respect that or remove me from their lives.



I'm sorry to hear about your own past. I can't imagine how hard that must have been on you. My dad on the other hand is my major stressor. We all have our own trials and tribulations. Those things can shape us, maybe not in a way we wanted if we're not strong enough. I hope you found yourself stronger after what you've went through though. That even through your misfortunes, you were able to become a better person that you can love and respect more than ever.

As always I wish you the best going ahead too. Another trial is ahead of you... Try to stay strong though! Sorry if I've maybe derailed this thread or brought too much attention to myself. This thread is about you. I won't distract from that anymore if I can help it. I'm glad to hear that you might have found something worthwhile in all of my terrible (and terribly long) prose~

Happy New Year!

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle, Sonya. I'm going through something very similar. Regular interaction with others in your position might make this easier for you. I'm going to send you an IM with a suggestion.

The most significant thing I can offer right now is to say that you're not alone. There are many, many who have gone/will go through the exact same thing you're going through.

It is surprising how many people deal with this sub-terrain pressure to conform to the feminine.   Obviously, I have it too.

I can explain why this happened psychologically to me: abuse mainly.  But even abuse aside, I think  a lot of it is "role space" in the family unit during childhood.  If one is being filled or another strongly denigrated, it pushes the child into a particular role space: even if that space doesn't match the biology.

But for all my understanding of why, I can't seem to change the drive "to conform" itself.

It's a "relief" to hear from people who have families and successful careers and still have this hanging over their heads  - I failed on all of normalcy, partly because I knew I was confused about this inside.  Nice (for me) to know that even if I had been successful in normal life, I probably wouldn't have shaken this feeling.

Still not sure how far to go with it though.  I really wanted that role re productively (or so I think I do) and SRS doesn't get me that.  What's left for me if I transitioned is a mating game that doesn't lead anywhere (and I would probably start way at the back of the line for being attractive!).  So its always a start-stop cycle.