[Nightshade]

I don't want to give out my exact age, but since it's relevant to this thread I'll just say that I'm several years over 35 and will probably be several years until I'm able to transition the way my life is going. I look back on my life and feel like it's been wasted.

I'm wondering if these feelings will go away after I transition (if that ever happens) or if it won't be any better. I know there are some older people here compared to r/asktransgender (fuck that sub) so maybe I'll get some perspective as I know my view of life is heavily warped.

Maybe I'd feel better if I knew I was going to pass, but I doubt that. I haven't really experimented (much) with makeup, but I've used digital programs to add makeup. I've used digital filters with snapchat and faceapp, but that's basically what I'd look like if I had extensive surgery (in other words: not realistic).

Voice hasn't been much better. I've made some progress, but my natural voice is deep even for a male - have gotten compliments several times for it (which ofc is meaningless considering my circumstances).

So are there any late transitioners who felt hopeless before transition, but have a changed perspective afterwards? It seems like transitioning is just going to add new problems to my life. I remember years ago watching videos and reading about people saying transitioning was great from them, but I feel like that's only a selective sample. If you say that transitioning sucks and is difficult on reddit, you'll get downvoted so you don't hear about it as much. 

[PaulaJ]

It just didn't seem possible for me to transition when I was younger. I don't look at the years I lived as a guy as wasted though I was wasted most of them. 

I feel a lot better about myself now. I function a lot better without high testosterone levels. I may have different transition goals than you or most trans women though. I don't live much differently than I did before, and I still just present kind of androgynous. I sometimes actually pass, though much of the time I don't. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. Most people don't even notice me. People don't pay as much attention to middle aged women, it's kind the one good thing about transitioning later.

[jannet.duff]

Where do I start ..lol

I do not play with female filters, don't care what an AI thinks what I may look like with 50k of surgery's.

I am just under 60. I came out to my wife 5 years ago , after playing with NBE for 12 months or so.

5'11" 190lb.. After a few years of being part time Jannet and gaining more confidence, I turned full time just over 12 months ago.


4 years HRT, I can still easily pass as male. I still occasionally get called sir when out and about.

My voice, even with voice training is a PITA.

As mentioned, "mostly" we just pass as middle age females. Unless we have to get somebody',s attention, most people either do not notice or do not care.

At some point, we have to stop caring what other people think I am doing this for me, not them.

The more you go out, the better things feel.

[Feminine4Ever]

Hi everyone
It's three years later and I wanted to revisit this thread as I have admiration of the people who have gone before me. I am pleasantly surprised by the number of older individuals who are now pursuing transition after living a large part of their lives as "actors". For me it is obvious that the 1970s and 1980s were a period for which it was next to impossible to transition. How I wish that I could relive this period. I am certain knowing what I know now that my path would have been entirely different.
I always thought Caitlyn was to be admired but I have this same opinion of the older persons in this forum who share their journey with us. You give me encouragement and I now subscribe to the better late than never mentality. It's just so much easier these days and I know that I am not alone. Hugs for all of you... thanks for sharing your paths. Janet..I followed your path and you give me encouragement..the other contributors too..I am sorry I forgot your names but there are many of you.. please keep sharing.
xxxoo Jessica

[Kay Lady]

I haven't transitioned in the traditional sense. I have grown my hair long, pierced my ears and follow some NBE. I feel very feminine, altho I present as a guy. My workplace is terribly transphobic and hateful. I cannot afford to leave right now, so I ignore it as best as I can. I have grown kids that I know would not talk to me if I came out. I am older. I often think after I retire in a few years, I may start living as a woman 24/7. Not sure how I will handle my kids not talking to me. Maybe by then, I won't care. I grew up during a time, the 1970s & 1980s, when to be trans would be a very bad thing. Especially at my school and in my family.

The wasted years to me, means that I lived according to everyone's expectations of me. My family was also very dysfunctional and I grew up putting my needs last and everyone else's first. I also grew up with the belief that I am just not good enough. Now that I am realizing and healing, I can see my past as painfully wasted. Not because I lived as a guy, but because I always put my needs and myself last.

I knew that I was trans when I was young. But I stuffed the feelings down and tried to be a normal guy just to survive. As a teen when puberty started, I would dream at night that I was a girl. The dreams scared me and made me think that I was gay, which was very bad in the 1970s. You would get beat up at school and by my family. I now know that I wasn't gay as I wasn't attracted to guys, but they were transgender feelings. Now that I am older, I have thought about my needs and who I really am. This has been a journey of self discovery and healing for me. I am not sure if I will pass if/when I come out. Makeup can do amazing things. I am ok with makeup, but would love to take some classes to improve my skills. I have not working on my voice yet. 

Kay

[Feminine4Ever]

Hi Kay
You have summarized the situation 40-50 years ago perfectly. I am so envious of the young people today who have protections enshrined in law which we didn't have at the time and all the freely available information that was not available to us back then as well.
If I could relive my youth I would immediately begin with puberty blocking medications and transition during high school. 
I did however recently retire in January and I now find myself embracing my truth. Believe me that Caitlyn is a person who I deeply admire. I am a woman, I always have been and I will die as such. No longer needing to go to work and having told my wife prior to our marriage in 1983 makes my transition very easy. 
My reality is a lifetime delayed. 
It seems like the societal interaction pressures from work, neighbors, shopping etc. are gone and I no longer validate anyone else's opinion when it comes to my personal appearance. 
I guess that in summary I am happy knowing that I atleast have some time left in my life to be myself. I went to the salon the other day and had a full manicure and pedicure. I just don't think that I could have done that in 1978..lol. For that matter I have aso attended various boutiques for a bra fittings(many times now..I always buy the panty too) and the various clerks didn't blink twice. The one lady assured me that she didn't pass judgement and has a diverse clientele including others who are also transitioning and that she wanted the sale, she also told me that I looked great...talk about honesty..I'll be back because she treated me just like every other customer, woman to woman..I think that is all I crave.. acceptance for who I am...I have waited long enough 
Hugs 
Jessica

[Zhuzhu]

Where do I start ..lol

I do not play with female filters, don't care what an AI thinks what I may look like with 50k of surgery's.

I am just under 60. I came out to my wife 5 years ago , after playing with NBE for 12 months or so.

5'11" 190lb.. After a few years of being part time Jannet and gaining more confidence, I turned full time just over 12 months ago.


4 years HRT, I can still easily pass as male. I still occasionally get called sir when out and about.

My voice, even with voice training is a PITA.

As mentioned, "mostly" we just pass as middle age females. Unless we have to get somebody',s attention, most people either do not notice or do not care.

At some point, we have to stop caring what other people think I am doing this for me, not them.

The more you go out, the better things feel.

Janet,

You are correct I am at the point of not really caring about what other's think.  I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.  If people can accept me for who I am that is lovely, if not they are not worth being upset over.  I am done with be a chameleon but still not quite at the point where I can truly emerge as my true self.  I guess this too takes time.  Zhu

[OOO]

To the group:

I to came out to my wife when I was well over 60 years old.  She was so understanding, caring,
and told me “as long as we are honest with each other we can get through anything .”  She totally backs me in my HRT.  Our life between us is the best it’s been in 38+ years of marriage. Now the problem, I have such gilt and sadness for waiting so long to be honest with my wife that every day when the thought of the wasted years it brings me to tears. I’m sure HRT doesn’t help this feeling.

She tells me to turn my brain off and enjoy this beautiful journey.  Easy to say hard to do.

Any suggestions!


Pooky

[Kay Lady]

Hi Pooky,

I fight guilt and shame constantly. It's from my childhood. Parents, teachers, school, society are all to blame for toxic shame. It was how they operated back then. I have shame for being Kay and many other things. I feel shame for not being perfect, but we are all human and make mistakes. My mind can remember silly mistakes from my whole life! Like I am beating myself up for something no one else remembers decades ago!

They say try to live in the moment. The past is gone and we can't change it. I like reading self help books and articles. Also while I meditate, I watch in my mind's eye, myself walking down a beach as the woman I am with not a care in the world. Just the ocean, a slight breeze and sunshine. 

Best of luck to you,
Kay

[OOO]

Hi Pooky,

I fight guilt and shame constantly. It's from my childhood. Parents, teachers, school, society are all to blame for toxic shame. It was how they operated back then.  I feel shame for not being perfect, but we are all human and make mistakes. My mind can remember silly mistakes from my whole life! Like I am beating myself up for something no one else remembers decades ago!

They say try to live in the moment. The past is gone and we can't change it. 

Kay
As I’m not a physicist, just a caring person looking in.  The people around you probably didn’t even realize the damage society and individuals around you were inflicting upon you.  With society not giving a damn.  You need to remember in this time of our lives if we had reached out for outside help we would have probably been ostracized ridiculed or worse, so we had to learn to keep it bottled up inside us.  Which only made the scares deeper and hurt more.

Yes we should try to live in the moment.  But you know as well as I that is very hard to do, and is like rubbing salt in a wound.  The other statement I hear is, JUST MOVE ON AND FORGET ABOUT IT.  Is that not a stupid cure for a problem that is with us the rest of our lives. 

Enough is enough, have to clear my mind and think happy thoughts. Maybe some of this might help you have a better day.

Always!

Pooky