[Heaven's Night]

I hope so? I would really need some place to vent stuff... I don't want to clog my main thread with all the frustrating things about transition and all things not relevant to body changes and boob stuff.

I just don't like my old posts being dug up, picked into pieces and then rubbed on my face ages after. Especially when my first post was nothing about my cynicism towards men or anything like that. Or any other stuff I've said five months ago or more. If someone wants to pick me apart, make me look really bad, its super easy because I'm naive, too honest and too open for my own good and I say bad things some times, I blurt out stuff without thinking and yes I still stand behind what I've said because everything has a reason.

Also what ever I post on bad days, I usually just want things said and then forgotten. It feels good to shout into the void and some times get some words of advice or comfort for it. And then be done with it.

Today has been rough, I rather post happy stuff right now.

EDIT:
I forgot to mention that my BDD is really nasty thing to deal with. And yes there are ways to deal with it, improving my body/looks is the best thing I can do about it because some times I see through it, its becoming more frequent furhter I go with transition. Perhaps at some point veil will be lifted? Anyway, I want to become far more pretty and femine anyway. It will help with BDD also, when others see me in more positive light, so will I. And if therapy fixed me, I would be already fine. No talking has ever changed my body image issues. Back in the day it was easy despite not seeing myself correctly, I knew well that I was attractive and wanted. I know pretty privilege when I had it. I know I lost it along with transition and that I must fix.

[Heaven's Night]

Something funny happened today on the way home, me and gf stopped on the way to the store to buy stuff as I promised to make my awesome almost authentic pasta. I have never had men stare at me like that before, not that much. There was this one +50 years old dude who could not stop staring. It wasn't judgemental stare either, just jaw dropping drooling dumb af stare. He only stopped when I looked back for a while with kinda asking face like wordless "what are you looking at?" kind of expression. Then this same guy went back and forth between isles conveniently stopping to stare more and more and all that time zero judgement, just drooly creepy male gaze. He wasn't the only one either, there were several. I wasn't dolled up at all, just wore jeans and the Star Wars tshirt tied up so obviously showing curves.

Its so strange when from those cis people who know my background I get either rejection, silence or surface level "acceptance" that is more akin to tolerance than accepting anything and then these to whom I stealth, stare at me like I'm some frigging goddess. Today was especially weird somehow. Women either ignore me or behave like women do amongst each other so I know they weren't clocking me. I don't think anyone did, I don't know how they could at this point. When they don't know, then I belong, I'm just a tall curvy lady who's quite a rare sight in a way... Someone with my staure and proportions doesn't run out of the woodwork every day so I guess that's why they stare? The divide is night and day, guys stare, women treat me like a person...

This makes such a weird, almost double life kind of existence, where people close to me and some online know my background and behave accordingly (not a compliment towards a whole bunch of people.) and random strangers treat me like a woman. Its not a stretch to realise why I want to get free of the trans identity thing as completely as I can? The moment I'm just a woman to them, I get treated much better. And mediocre becomes rather attractive that same moment. Its better no one will know.

[Beth14]

I am new on this site and think you’re amazing. You are always trying to help people.

[Heaven's Night]

Thank you Beth.  

I try to, that's why I have stayed here while removing myself from almost all especially trans spaces online. It seems that BN is still the most accepting place for me. And number one niche corner of the internet for boob growth information. Nothing has come close for finding information and leads to more information in one place... Here I'm not an outsider but very much the opposite.

Especially I want to be here for trans women who are still in denial of themselves, or who are scared to look into it all, closeted ones and those what are just starting out. I wish to encourage and even inspire, show that so many myths about transition and boobs and stuff are just myths. And that age is not stopping us! It can slow things down but it wont deny us anything. Its one of the most annoying myths that too many believe in that a graceful, beautiful transition is a privilege of youth. Its not, kids just get things faster and easier, we just have to be more patient and figure out more ways how to deal with it.

But irl, the wrold out there is weird mess. I stealth to anyone who doesn't personally know me and its awesome, it works perfectly. I don't even remember when I was clocked last time for real. Over a year ago? Its kinda neat, the lady who grooms my dog doesn't know, my girlfriends parents don't know, the lady who did my piercings doesn't know and the list goes on... People who I interact with who aren't close to me have zero idea and zero doubt as some would ask me or gf or somebody if they were suspecting something. But as if by magic, no one asks. This is a huge win, I'm two and half years on HRT and I'm 100% stealth passable, not many soon forty year olds can achieve that. Lot of it has just happened on its own, the rest is practice and hard work and yet I feel that I'm not putting in enough effort. 

I'm really grateful for this, but it has glaringly shown how shallow and horrible most poeple are... Attitude changes in a heartbeat if I tell them! It goes from normal behaviour to surface level "acceptance" which is actually more like tolerance than anything else. I go from a woman to a circus freak... Or some third gender or something. Then they start to act weird, awkward, either hostile or overly careful so that they don't offend me somehow or they start to treat me like I'm non binary with forcing gender neutral language which in Finnish sounds ridiculous. I really don't want anyone to know so that I can exist as an ordinary woman to them. If they know, I just can't. Stealth cis passing is still a requirement for a normal life no matter what pretty words people say about it. In this sense, maybe I will be forever outsider. I know I will until the world is different. Maybe once the generations older than mine are mostly gone, maybe then things will be better? So many young people show a huge promise about social acceptance of gender diversity and the fact that we're all actually unique and its great, its just how it should be. Same with gender expression, I hope that androgyny will become trendy, that the stigma of deviating from expected norms becomes acceptable. It shouldn't be brave or rebellious, it should be celebrated that people are unique and dare to be themselves and show it. For me personally, I just want to be one of the ladies. Forcing the trendy "third gender, non binary, gender neutrality" on me is just wrong, I don't like it because I'm a woman, end of discussion. Then my partner, she's non binary and loves anything andorgynous, some times she's really masculine looking even and her personality is so funny, very often she feels like a husband. My trans girlfriend is far more feminine, so this makes a peculiar chemistry where the MtF transperson is more of a woman than my AFAB non binary fiance. xD This is why I love these people so much, for the uniqueness of life experience... I wish everybody would be open minded enough that acceptance would come with understanding.

[Stevenator_]

Being a woman is hard work, or so they say. I used to work closely with Vegas Showgirl Dancers for years, and I was amazed at the amount of time & money they put into costuming, hair & makeup, etc. Then to go out on stage & socialize in character. I could never do that, and you'll never ever see me do that, either.

I used to have tons of friends. I was pushing 2,000 on Facebook, mainly because of my work as an entertainment photographer. It started getting weird when the numbers got that high, but it was even weirder that I knew most of them irl lol.

But politics, # metoo, social protests & covid pretty much made me give society the middle finger. When social media demanded that we use politics as a litmus test for friendship, I walked away and started my homestead farm. I have my cats, chickens, year-round vegetable garden. I have my home brewery, my guitar, my tractor and 12 acres along with my wife.

The close knit circle of friends I did have, all drifted away after we all seemed to get married one after another around the same time period. But for the long list of former friends I did have that chose politics & social movements over friendships, I have no problem giving them the two handed middle finger salute.

Anyway .... It's been said before that trans life is a lonely life, and I guess I'm noticing that now. It's funny, working in entertainment 10-20+ years ago, I knew several trans women, (two who fully transitioned in the early 1960s!) But looking back on them, as well as some who transitioned after Y2K, I could sometimes sense an inner loneliness when they would briefly let down their guard.

Maybe it's a thing. I can only speak for myself, but I can certainly see the similarities and sympathize.

[Heaven's Night]

Maybe I'm just not much of a people person or something... Maybe most people are just total trash, irrelevant idiots I'm better without. I've had a lot of "friends" from metal scene, music business in general, but outside of less than ten of those who have actually made music with me for decades or years, none stuck up with me. They didn't give rats ass about me, they only cared for the music I played.

I had my old facebook account go crazy when I started to accept every request as there was too many to weed through, that was when I was pushing promotion on fb all over the place and it turned out into a horrible nasty mess. I hated it, in the end I ended up removing all those people, how many of them were actual people in the end, that I don't know.

When I say losing lot of friends, "a lot" means like some dozens or something. I guess my circle was always tiny after all. Most never stuck anyway because I didn't have the energy to spare to every random somebody I ran into on a gig or something. But hey, I'm on Finland where people are cold and grumpy and everything is tiny, its not like big old US of A where everything is gargantuan super size mega jumbo over the top excessive.

The only good thing these days is that I have nothing to lose as there's almost nothing left. If I didn't have my partners and my dog, I would be VERY lonely. My guess is, this is what its gonna be, I'll never be accepted into anything and never belong. Cis people hate my guts the second I tell them something.

[Beth14]

You are better off having a small circle of true friends then a large group that is indifferent. The people that support you and love you will be there. If people walk away because they don’t like the “new” you then don’t give them a second thought

[Heaven's Night]

That's what last three years has been... But the feeling of not belinging anywhere, not being able to relate to most trans women and almost no cis women. Knowing full well that I wont ever be truly accepted by majority of people. It hurts. And it goes with the feeling of being less than a woman because of all the things I'm lacking, which I can't have due to this messed up body just not being right.

I always listen to cis women friends talk about their relationships, kids, careers, all this typical cis hetero stuff... I can't relate, there's nothing I can say about any of it as there is no place in that life for me any more. It feels like I'm some weird alien from another planet.

[Heaven's Night]

My feelings of being an outsider just keep on getting stronger... And I'm seeing the way out of it too. Lot has happened since about last summer, I've come so far in less than a year and a lot has to be said about it. I'm hoping this to be helpful for eggs lurking the forum and trans women who are in their process already, oldies already know, but newbies, this is something you should read and consider what is to come as a lot of my exprience is universal trans person stuff and stuff any minority women will face, inluding people of colour, anyone with disabilities, GNC women, anyone who stands out of the norms, but in particular trans women.

Most cis people will never get you. Most people from your old life will never get you. Best they can offer is surface level acceptance, but don't lull yourself to sleep that it means understanding because 99% of them never will. They will always other you somehow, most do it subconsciously, they don't mean it bad, they can't help themselves. No matter how much you change, some people never ever get it. A lot of them will given the time and the reasons are so superficial and shallow its disheartening.

People are shallow. Its face value, looks, perceptions that shape their attitudes, not empathy or being smart. There will be exceptions, but majority of cis people will never get it, never. We can try to educate and to explain how this works and still it can only go so far. It hurts, but there's nothing we can do about it other than live with it.

The way to normal peaceful life is to stealth. Cis passing is still a requirement no matter what some trenders say, its all nice words, but the reality is, to be taken seriously, let alone accepted, you have to cis pass. More perfect it is, better people will treat you. Cold hard facts. Ever since about last summer, after I was two years on HRT, especially after body contouring surgery and last about six months, I've been completely stealth in publis and to all new people who don't know my past and the difference in attitudes is night and day amazing! I get treated with such respect now its crazy. And taken seriously outside of situations where I have to out myself or when I'm dealing with traditionally male territory of things.

And guess what, pretty privilege is very very real. Better you present yourself, more you fit into dumb fuck beauty standards, better people will treat you. More fem you look the better. Bigger boobs and thicker hips work wonders, feminine voice does it too, good taste with pretty clothing and makeup make a HUGE difference on how you're treated! People are petty as fuck, they're shallow as a puddle. It sucks, but that's how it works. I've made giant leaps on how I get treated in public in just few short months, from body changes and surgery results to learning makeup, its been an eye opener. Its riduclous because as a feminist I'm against following traditional roles and fitting in to beauty standards and such, but I can't deny its power on people. Its not my personality, I've been the same person mostly all my life. So what else has changed in last bit less than a year? My voice and appearance has! Nto even body language as I am who I am, I haven't changed that conbsciously at all, I just exist. But my face is more fem, I'm becoming very curvy and I've tried to learn to present myself better and its changing everything.

My plan of becoming almost fully stealth is also starting to come true. At some point I will remove all or nearly all social media presence. I will remove almost all people from my old life except for few loved ones and bandmates. I'm planning to disppear online from nearly everything for an extended time once I feel like I'm coming close to finishline. As I can't do the entire reqrite of my whole life, this is second best option. If I could, I would absolutely do the old fashion way of moving to another place, cut almost all ties to my past and start a new life. Partially it has happened already and I'm eager to get further. No worries here though, I will stay on BN as I feel I'm needed here and its serving a purpose for me. I don't have any other internet place to talk about this, let alone NBE and I think this forum is small and secluded enough to feel safe here. Unlike Reddit or any social media out there...

Its cynical, but I'm an outsider, as long as anyone sees me as "trans" something, the other me so I'm always shut away. The moment I stealth and exist as a cis woman to others, I become normal, accepted and get treated with respect. Just yesterday when I was out for my laser session, visiting pharmacy was so nice. Some older gentleman RUSHED to open the door for me which he had just let go a moment earlier. Did it with such smile and all. The pharmacist was nice to me, the lady at the shop I picked up a parcel was all smiles and super nice, I could list so much of this. Including my girlfriends mother who's super nice with me and to her I'm just a woman. My landlady, my new neighbours don't know anything and treat me so well. None of this happens when ever people know about my past. None of this happened when I didn't pass with such perfection.

Social price of transition can be harsh, it feels to me that its the saddest part of this. Biggest price I've paid. But all this new interaction with people who see me as a cis woman is just lovely. Its exactly what I dreamed it to be once I start to comfortably pass as just a normal woman. They even overlook my androgynous features, they don't give a damn about my height and all things that don't fit in because enough of me does. Perception is everything, passing is detrimental and should be a goal. Stealth is another goal, nobody needs to know except for the closest people. I'm not strong enough to live openly as something "other than" anyway, I'm a woman and this is the way I get treated as a woman. I'm hoping that people who knew me from before will start forgetting I ever transitioned. I'm sure some of them will in time. Others are just a lost cause and they will become irrelevant. Also, chosen family is the one that matters.

[OOO]

DiDI

What an eye opening post.  This post makes my stomach get butterflies.  Where l live in the US, they are so backwards if you go out and don’t pass as a cis woman, you will be ostracized and possibly banned from the community, I believe in my heart that they might cause a trans person bodily harm.

I live a stealth lifestyle, but the longer I’m on HRT the changes are coming, then what will my wife and I do.
As the physical changes come this will eventually effect my wife’s wellbeing in the community. She doesn’t want me to stop and go back to the old me. The self centered egotistical, s.o.b. Alpha male that I was.

I hate society standards, I just want to live my life as the happy person that HRT is building.  I can’t go back to the old me, I refuse to go back and I won’t.  There are so many unknowns. But we will deal with whatever life throws at us just like the other transgender people on this forum. The bottom line is that I will not stop this transition.

Please don’t go away from this forum, as your knowledge is so valuable to us that are still struggling with transition.

Best wishes!

Pooky