Thanks Tomi.
I have huge body image and confidence problems. Imagine how these pair along with extreme end of gender dysphoria? I'm upset because I used to have the male version of "pretty privilege" in my old life and I now very clearly see it, and the stark contrast of what my life has become since starting transition. I'm obviously not nearly as attractive and pretty as a woman than what I was when perceived as a man.
I deal with loss of looks in a way that others perceive me. And I also know how beautiful women are treated, I know the power and importance of looks. Its undeniable. And also worth seeking and I'm truly trying... With everything but the painted of beauty for which I'm far too tired most of the time at this point.
Also I'm most of the time not getting the kind of validation and love I would want to have, which I see other women get all around me. This happens mostly online these days as I have nearly zero social life. Almost all friends have quietly abandoned me. But I've seen this from close proximity for years back when I used to date a woman who was nothing short of stunning trophy girlfriend. Anyway, I just see it all over me... Mostly cis women getting treated so much nicer, they're getting such compliments I rarely ever get. Except from few transwomen who are biased for having a crush on me or being in my close circle somehow.
It just hurts. I don't know how I truly look like because I can't perceive myself, then I get mixed response from others and see other women have it much better. Not going all in with "painted on" beauty is likely where I fuck up, I should just do it all, get dolled all the time and use filters and photoshop everything to hell and back. Maybe then it could work out better? But then I would feel like faking it and fooling myself, presenting myself in an unreal way and that's really not in character for me.
I need others to help me out with this, with perception because mine is flawed, with confidence because that comes from outside, it can't be magically made out of nowhere, it comes from positive life experience. I know this from past because this is how it used to be. But as a man I think I was regarded being much better looking than as a woman. I feel so mediocre and I hate it because I refuse mediocrity, I'm far more than that. To me accepting mediocrity is like admitting defeat and I'm not such a loser. Too bad I can't ever afford FFS, I would jump on the opportunity right away as that could make quite a miracle.
There's also something I want to point out, due to what I'm up to with lactation and NBE, my hormone balance has been quite dramatically shifted so I'm having much more mood swings and being far more emptional from normal, so give me some slack with emotional posts, I might need to vent a lot.