[IanW55]

Hello dear members, firstly a big shout out to Eve and Jennifer, Eve for helping me sort out my new users name and Jennifer for being a true dear friend.

I was calling myself Lizw55 now I am using my proper name, which is Ian user name IanW55 why you may ask, well I lost it, I had a mental block a huge life crisis, yes even at the age of 69 (January) it hit me.

Bear with me - I had testicle issues with the potential of cancer (it was not, just an age related issue) I have hormone issues but again age related, I also have other health issues but not related to this journey, add all this together I flipped, must admit I did say some horrible things on here, I am really am truly sorry for that.

Basically add this lot together, I was trying to be something I was not, I was trying to come up to members achievements and hiding behind an alias of who I wanted to be.

Looking back initially it was ok but it was wrong, I was even researching transgender clinics (UK) and contacting a few of them.

It got that bad a friend who is close to me said you need help, eventually I did, I paid to see a therapist. My first visit was embarressing but she put me at ease, she was none judgemental and it was wonderful, has it worked well only time will tell.

I have stopped seeing the therapist, I feel that I am at peace, must admit it was not easy I just let go because the room was like a sanctuary my private space and nothing could hurt me.

I spent 22 years in the Army and thought I could handle everything, well how wrong I was, for those who are suffering, may I say please do not suffer in silence get help, talk to someone.

Getting bored - Sorry all I want to be is a man with breasts, simple as that not someone I am not meant to be.

Claire said to me (therapist) train your demons dont let them control you, everyone has and will always have demons, just train them like you would train a dog, it is like, who wags the tail.

Anyway good people thank you for reading, I hope I have briefly explainedmy issues and from my point of view dont suffer get help its worth it.

All yours forever
Ian

[Jennifer]

Hello Ian,

Welcome to you Ian and goodbye to Liz.

Take care of you.

Kisses Ian

Jennifer

[IanW55]

Fistly I am not a DOCTOR, I can only pass on what I learnt from my therapist, her name is Claire from now on I will refer to her as (C

C: In her opinion there is no cure for mental health issues, yet some experts say there is, what she said it is how how we cope and deal with things within ourselves that heals us.

She went on to say mental health issues can be caused by birth defects, accidents, misuse of drugs, booze, trauma and things associated with how we were brought up, or even things associated by events in our life, for example PTSD, the list is endless.

How we cope with it is how we approach the issues, what is causing our struggles, how we train our minds to cope with it.

C: We must train our demons how to behave and not mess with us, she said when we have done that, how to spot the demon coming back and what to do when it does. She likenend it to training a dog or any animal that needs to be controlled by the master.

I am going to leave it here, if anyone is interested I can tell you what some of the symptoms of our demons are and what triggers them, I can tell you what mine were and how I put them back in the box.

Feel free to comment on this, all I will say that certains members on here have problems also some mebers have them but do not want to share, well thats fine please use me to tell about my probelms which will with luck help you

Finally unless members ask I will not post again on this subject

Take care
Ian
xxx

[Katie K]

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Nice post...thank you

Katie K

[IanW55]

Hello,

I will continue to tell you my story over the next few days, I will break it down into easy to read episodes rather than one big lump.

The next few installments will be from my own personal experience with my therapist, her thoughts about the medical peoples attitude, for example doctors and consultants who are not trained to deal with mental health issues.

I will explain what is actually classed as mental health issues, this is a massive subject so I will only deal with my personal problems and reasons for going and seeing a therapist.

I will aslo tell you about the sessions and how at last I am dealing with it, so dear friends I will start in a couple of days, just going to think on how to start.

I will bare my soul and at the end of it hopefully will either put me back into depression or make me feel that I have got over it, I hope that you will also benefit and pass on what I have learnt.

Till then Love to you all
Ian

[IanW55]

Part One

I am based in the UK so some of my terminology and spellings is English (UK) so very sorry to my international friends.
This is my journey from a dark place into the light, it was very emotional, looking back it was a challenge because it unlocked memories that I had buried since being a child.

Why did I go and seek help from a stranger, honestly, I do not really know why, only that a very dear friend saw a dramatic change in my attitude and recognised a dangerous side to me.
Day One, I went to see a private therapist, the first session was a session on how society looks and perceives mental health, how we look at people that have mental health problems.

After some basic question she told me that my issues have triggered a nervous breakdown caused by pressures in my past and present life, she explained what is a nervous breakdown.

The term “nervous breakdown” describes the onset of severe emotional or physical symptoms, it can be linked to stress and fear, and anxiety., normal daily functioning is impaired or impossible.

They seem to materialize suddenly but are often brewing inside like a storm; then like a storm they burst. Emotional breakdowns usually have extended periods of intense depression, anxiety, or acute stress, the nervous system has nothing left to cope with these intense experiences.

What are some of the Symptoms of a nervous breakdown. (no particular order).

Sleeping too much or not enough sleep, nightmares
Thoughts of self-harm or at worst suicide.
Body muscle Tension like spasms Low Energy or Acute headaches
Mood swings or panic attacks for example crying spells.
Emotions Feeling Out of Control, increased sadness.
Increased Heart Rate Dizziness or Sweating
Feeling Purposeless, losing interest in hobbies Low motivation
Worrying excessively
Changes in eating patterns or habits, unable to cope effectively with changes.
Easily angered even difficulty managing obligations
Isolating or withdrawing from others
Degradation of efficiency in work, negative feelings leading to an association with drugs or alcohol to combat these issues.

Again, the list is not finite, and everyone is different, there are many other symptoms that I think you may recognise and at some point in your life you may have seen or experienced some of these.

Part 2 to Follow Which is an eye opener, how some of the medical people treat this issue

[IanW55]

This is part 2 of my therapy, I hope you like it, part 3 will go deeper, please feal free to contibute.

Part Two

Treatment, that is a massive minefield depending on who you see, if you go to see your local doctor especially our health system, you book an appointment and turn up and try to explain your issues. They make the right noises and give you a prescription which can range from doctor to doctor, they just want to issue you with sleeping pills and antidepressants, which in my opinion just suppress the feeling and often makes things worse.

This happened to me, after about a month on the stuff I felt rubbish, I was drugged up to the eyeballs I did not know what time of day it was, I just sat there spaced out and sleeping. I am only glad I am retired because I would not have been able to work and that would have compounded my mental issue, oh lovely deep joy.

The amazing thing and the more I think about it I shudder at the thought, the system supplies you with copious amounts of narcotic pills and you end up permanently drugged and that is ok, because it is a legal prescribed medicine, yet if you bought similar drugs off the street that is illegal, they basically do the same thing food for thought. (IMO)

After a while my dear friend came to see me and was shocked at what she saw, a wasted wreck so she took action, as an ex-nurse she weened me off the nasty little pills and gave me a card with a name and telephone number, it was a therapist she has seen (not going there) my doctors were not amused but just clucked the right place, I was just a number to them

I rang Claire (therapist) and got an appointment for the following week, as I said the first part was listening to my symptoms and telling me all about mental health that is associated to my problems. During that first session I was given a notebook and a pen and told to note how I felt during the day, first entry was when I got out of bed, then lunch evening meal then bedtime. Also, if I felt down during the day, she gave me some examples which I will now share with you.

When I get up how do you feel, tired or refreshed, did I feel that I had goodnights sleep or an interrupted restless sleep. Lunch time, how did I feel during the morning was it good or bad, did I get my chores done, was it an effort, did I relish preparing and eating my lunch.
Then after my evening meal (in my house is usually 6pm), how was my afternoon. Again, what did I do, did I achieve my tasks if any.
Before bed jot down anything I thought might be annoying me, noises, angry or just frazzled, if I could jot down what I was doing when these things arose, I think you get the drift, I was to carry out this routine for one week then bring the book along to the next meeting.

Part 3 I will go into greater detail how she approached my feelings.

[IanW55]

Part Three

I think by now you have got the idea about mental health or nervous breakdowns; in this part I will explain what my issues were and to some degree still there but controlled. I am not going to tell you about the therapy sessions on how the therapist taught me how to control my issues YET.

I went into the session with my notebook and a little puzzled, I was not sure where this heading and going private it was costing me money and my wallet is not bulging with money, ok I could have used our health system, which is free, but the waiting list was huge.

Claire started by saying this room is your sanctuary, your safe room where all your problems can be discussed without anyone apart from the two of us knowing about it, whatever you say will remain in here and will never be discussed outside of this room. You may say anything you want and tell me what ever you want, I will not judge you or think any more or less of you.

If I feel that you need guidance or a helping hand I will, you will probably feel emotional or anger or fear, let those feeling out, do not try to suppress them because that is part of the management of the problems, it is part of the healing process. If you feel that you need to stop then we can, or we can go back over things that we may have discussed, this space and time is for you, no one else.

I will now try to tell you what we discussed, I will try using a question-and-answer narrative which will help make it easier for me. C: = Claire M: = Me

C: How do you feel about coming here, M; Nervous and possibly sceptical C: Why
M: I am not sure if this is going to work because I do not like talking to strangers about my life.
C: That’s ok, all my clients say the same thing and after a while it will become second nature to offload your feelings and worries, working together, we can overcome this feeling, just relax and be yourself, this is your sanctuary.

The next few questions were odd, I was asked why I came here, my response, I felt pressurised by friends and family to come because of events surrounding me and they thought I need help.

I was then asked what did I feel was wrong with me if anything, how did I feel my life was unfolding, what has changing, could I pinpoint when things started to deteriorate, do not worry if I cannot as each session will discover that.

I said that I could not remember when it started but I know how I feel right now, she asked me to list things that I thought were wrong and she would note them in her book. I asked her did she want to see my notebook, she said not yet, but she will after a few sessions, I could not understand why till now. The first notes look completely different to notes I made after about session 5, I could see a transformation and hell it was a transformation.

This is a short version of the things I thought was wrong as conveyed to C; she wrote them down and never commented on them until later sessions.

I hate my life and considered ending it. She did comment on that and asked if I still thought of it, I said no.

Hate what I have become - Lost confidence – Lost the energy to do anything, Hate the world – No tolerance with people – Get angry very quickly - Get frustrated when things go wrong – Started to overeat, binge eating – Bored easily – Hate the look of my body and I mean hate it. Wished I had a different body and confused as to why my body looks like it is – Envious of others – Often wished I could be someone else.

There were other things, but you have an idea. The session ended, I was given some work to do before the next session, I was to note down why I thought of those things, she did say if that causes me problems leave it and she will explain why another time.

OK see part 4 later on in the week.

[Katie K]

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i want to thank you for shairing this. I look forward to reading your post and thoughts, I'm not sure why!?

Love You
Katie K

[Beth14]

Thank you for sharing