[IanW55]

Part FOUR

This next bit I did not really know how to start so please bear with me; I will start by telling you how she got me to open up it was alien to me as I am a very private person, even on here I find it a little daunting, as this was not my thing, I nearly walked out, I am glad I did not.

I did not know that we all have a part of our brains that will heal us given the right stimulation and support, so let’s get on with it, the session started.

C: Events in your head can cause massive bouts of fear, loss of self-esteem and other complex symptoms, the mind is the most powerful computer on the planet and like manmade computers sometimes seriously go wrong, just like manmade ones they need rebooting. Often after reboot there are still segments that do not reconnect and need further investigation, brains like PC,s have compartments that get corrupted.

You can do a factory reset or reprogramme them, in a human brain you cannot do a factory reset so we try to reprogramme them by other means, for example talk therapy which stimulates our brains to reconnect but sometimes there are still failures, it is how we deal with failures, it could take weeks or years, it is not a quick chat, and all is cured.

C: I would like you to find a moment in your life where you were the most happiest, be it as a child or adult, I want you to close your eyes and focus on that point, make it your safe area where you were very happy.
When you think you have found that place lock into your memory, focus only on that point, I want you to concentrate on that spot and breath slowly, relax and focus and breath slowly.
This will be your safe zone, as we progress you may feel the need to go back to that point, that is ok we can go back as often as you need to. If you are ready, I would like in your time to tell me about that moment and describe what was happening and why you chose it.

ME: It was not hypnosis in the literal sense, I felt that I understood what she was trying to do so I went along with it. I started to discuss my happy time, I felt a bit odd, how do I explain it to you people here on the forum, only that I for the first time in a long time, I started to feel calm.

My comfort was the day I got married, going back to that date, it felt like everything was in slow motion, like a dream that was the happiest day of my life, one that was full of friends and family, it was in my opinion a very euphoric moment, for those that are interested, it was June 1979, now in June 2024 we will have been married 45 years so you can see it was a lovely moment.

She asked me why I had chosen that moment and not a point in my childhood, I said there is nothing in my childhood that was happy in fact just sadness and grief a time I would rather forget.

Again, the session ended, looking back that session it flew by, and I felt a little sad that it had.

OK see part 5 later.

[IanW55]

Part Five

This next session goes deep, where I start to tell you a little about my past, I am not looking forward to this, but I will.

C: Said that during one of my sessions that I hated my body and that it was one of the things that was causing me serious issues and coupled with other things led up to me being here. Would I like to talk about it, this took up a full session and was very disturbing when I told her.

Talking about it was not something that I was prepared for and even now on here I have had to stop and walk away from it, but I used her technique, and I am now going to tell you.
I might jump around a bit because the next two parts are about my childhood which I have discovered brought me to this point of despair.
Let’s go.

My problems started from birth up to starting work, I started work just three months after my fifteenth birthday (yes 15 I should have started at 14, that how it was in those days) some of it I found a little embarrassing when I was telling Claire also a little nervous opening up on here.

Back in 1955 the health care system is not like it is now, (UK) mothers did not know about nutrition which during pregnancy is an absolute must, my mother was and still is a finicky eater, in other words would not eat this or eat that, she never ate as she should. To give you an idea when I was born, she weighed just under 9 stone that is just under 20kg, She is 92 and just weighs 6st 11lb that is 13.44Kg
Yet I was a normal weight but had many complications, I nearly died when I was born, also because of my mother’s lack of nutrition I had other issues. My stomach was not fully developed and had to be fed every two hours by syringe.

Then as the weeks passed, I had penile issues, my mother did not stretch my foreskin and it ended up growing and stopping me urinating properly I had to have an emergency circumcision at that age was not good and it left me with problems. It was said the reason for this was due to me being wrongly sexed at birth, that was a shock when at the age of thirteen I was told by my mother, hell that freaked me out also I did not go into puberty till one month from my fourteenth birthday, I had small boobs but fortunately this went away when I was about sixteen, that said I believe not fully.

As my body was not developing properly, I was really bullied at school and especially in the boys changing room, you can work that out for yourself, too be honest I had a very feminine face that could pass as a female, though today it is a masculine one.

I am still not proud of my body, I said this to my therapist, in the next chapter I will tell you how she addressed this and honestly though it helped I still feel bad about it.

OK see part 6 later.

[IanW55]

AS at now 27 Feb (UK) 672 views - only 3 comments, well obviously not many interested so I will leave it, I am not going to waste my time.

Its a shame because I believe that the next few bits would have helped others, obviously not

Thanks to the three that did bother to comment

[Lady Charlotte]

thats shame then, i have only just caught this thread and have been reading and waiting for the next parts, some peeps here dont always 'engage' so don't take it too personally x

[Kay Lady]

I was on a couple websites and quit because no one or very few people would comment on my posts. After a while, it started to sink in. I asked myself why am I there? Is it to get outside validation, do I not feel popular, am I envious of others who get tons of comments? Or am I there to share my thoughts,  find healing in my words, possibly help another soul. I write articles on another site. Maybe no one leaves a comment and then a year later people are leaving messages. 

I am not trying to sound snarky to you, but why are you here and writing? What if one person was helped by your words but was at a low point in their life and didn't comment? 

I am interested in what you write, but I am on a very long business assignment and writing this from a mobile device. It's not easy, I'd rather be at home with my large monitor and keyboard. And I come back to the hotel exhausted after a brutal long day. I skim over my fav websites before falling asleep. Not my choice, but my life is beyond busy lately.

If you want more exposure to your writing, I might suggest Medium.com or Substack.com. There are many transgender authors who write there.

[IanW55]

Hi all,
Sorry that I hav enot been back on here, I have received a couple of emails asking me to continue, well I had a relapse and went down with cronic stomach ulcers did not feel like doing it, but give me a couple of days and I will.

A quick mention to Jennifer, I have received your emails and will respond soon, but bless you it did mean a lot to me.
Love to all

[Lotus]

Hi Ian, sorry to hear about your recent illness. I'm with the others that want you to finish telling your story. 

[IanW55]

Part Six

I feel that there are a couple who I need to mention. Lotus and Jennifer, I would also like to thank all those who have either posted of sent me messages thank you it means a lot.

I have relented and decide to tell you more about my mental health issues which then led onto my desire for breasts which will be in future parts, most of you will be amazed at that part.

But I need really as C: said to me I need to start at the very beginning but to recap C, Claire is my therapist

I was asked to try and explain what part by part of my body I hate the most and when did I start hating it, could I remember what trigger those thoughts.

It began in my school days about the age of 12, I was often ridiculed and abused by other pupils, I had always been a bit chunky, I stood out, I was one of those kids that was always picked last in team sports, I did not fit in and frequently got a good thumping.

The school changing rooms were the worst because after games, we all had to shower, well having a penis issue you could well imagine the ridicule and abuse I got. I was late in puberty about 13, most of the other kids started to show off in the shower, especially after my botched circumcision you can imagine what it was like. Due to late puberty, I developed Gynecomastia which you all know are boobs, add that to the other problems well it was hell, after time it got to me, and I often skipped gym and went absent.

After school there were kids waiting for me to beat me up, it was horrendous, even my mother was abusive to me where my weight was concerned, we were in the kitchen one night and she grabbed my waist and gave me verbal abuse. I ran away from home the next night, only for the police to come looking for me. I was sexually abused, thankfully not penetrative sex only made to carry out acts on my tormentors, life up till 14 was hell on earth. 

Aged fourteen I joined a Judo school and was good at it; I reached Blue Belt but gave it up (fool) the bullying did stop because I could handle myself, this gave me some confidence. Shortly after I left school and started work, this was a different world, all the school bullies had gone their separate ways. (In the UK in the early 70’s you left school at 14 but I left when I was 15).

C: How did you feel at that point Me: Happier but I struggled with my weight and even to this day I still do but not as much, well until the last six months when I got up one morning and saw myself in the mirror.

C: What did you see. M: A fat wasted mess that has let himself go.
C: I am sorry Ian, but I do not see you like that at all, as we age, we all put weight on and at the age of Sixty-Nine you do not look bad. You do not look obese, you look right for your age, you should be proud that you still look acceptable.

C: How do you feel now about your tormentors, do you feel that you have overcome that point in your life.

I started to lose it at that point, so she intervened C: I would like you to stop for a moment just close your eyes and breath, tell me about your happy time the day you got married and tell me all about the day just focus on that point.

It worked, I felt calm and collected so I said to her, after leaving school that part of my life stopped, years later after my time in the Army, I moved back to my hometown, over a period of months I met two of them I dealt with them (not all at once) the third I never saw again. I was 41 and was still relatively fit and with my knowledge of judo and unarmed combat from my military days (22 years) justice was served, it felt good at the time, but today I do not think that way, part of me wishes that I had just ignored them.

C: Why do you think that. M: I have changed my attitude to life as a whole, I cannot explain it but it is how I feel today, I have any regrets.

The session came to an end, she said if you don’t mind at the next session I would like to explore your sexual side, I asked her what she meant, she explained. I want to discuss your youth and time in the military and how you view it now. 

So, please wait for Part 7

[Jennifer]

Hello Ian,

First, thank you for quoting me.

Secondly, I can say that I knew the person a little, but you amazed me.
Explaining your life and your mental state is certainly a way to feel liberated and good in your head and body.

Third, I reiterate the fact of a hypothetical meeting this summer.
This meeting should be most friendly and happy with a liberated person.
It's up to me to make an effort in English.

Fourth, we look forward to what comes next.

Kisses Ian

Jennifer

[Lotus]

Hi Ian, I'm so glad you're posting again and telling your truth. Seems like we have a few things in common (being bullied, serving in the military, learning self defense and not taking crap from those who wrong you).

I hate bullies, they're a special kind of loathsome (who are immature, jealous of others who they bully)... imho, they'll have a spot in hell waiting for them. Bullies pick on the people who can't defend themselves and talk shit and spread lies about them, they also kick you while you're down (or injured). Unfortunately we have bullies on this forum too. 

I think by talking to Cynthia it's helping you. Seems like you had things bottled up inside yourself for a long time, and now (hopefully) getting those things out you can unburden yourself of those painful memories. 

I'll be looking forward to your next installment in your own time). Take care Ian.