[Heaven's Night]

Where is it? I can't find my tribe, I can't find my place in the world. I belong nowhere. My world view, my ideas, none fits anywhere at all and rejection just keeps on going. I try to fit in but fit nowhere. Cishet men see me as a sex object or some sort of subhuman. Cishet women mostly give sort of lukewarm surface level acceptance in which I still am just a dude in a dress or "man 2.0" to them. Feminist spaces aren't good for me as to a lot of them, I'm not a woman either. They invalidate my existence and my body just as badly as patriarchal male spaces do. I don't belong with trans people either because I'm not some dumb fuck hypersexual "transfeminine" or blue haired queer Pride christmas tree. Intersex people shun me for being transsex as they invalidate us weirdos like that.

I'm always too much something or too different to almost everybody and belong nowhere. As time goes on, I fall in love even deeper with the term "trans separatist" coined by someone on Reddit who posts about DIY HRT stuff. I really like that persons thinking. Its spot on what I feel. I'm pissed off, there's a lot about (radical) feminism I relate to, but to them I'm not even a woman. They're just as toxi cis hetero normies like others. TERFs can eat shit and die for all I care. Some times I feel I'm rather just lonely, just exist in my own little world with the few people who are very dear to me. The few who understand and love me for being me and not think I'm something else entirely.

Oh and the feminism, its so strange how I'm torn about many ideas about it. At the same time I so much detest misogyny of all kinds and abusive men have left me so scarred that I'm often quite cynical about men in general. But I know many absolute gems. And then I so much hate beauty standards and all this make believe performance of femininity, but at the same time I'm all into it. Not to please pigs though, this is where many feminists will get pissed off at me, that I say I'm a feminist but I still adhere to a lot of these perfomative sides which are seen as creations of patriarchy. Am I really playing into oppression of women by dressing up in a way that flaunts my body? Or when I practice makeup? Or when I say fuck the gender norms which are total bs anyway.... All while working my ass off with transitioning my body to conform to those gender norms and do it even in an exaggerated manner.

Am I not worthy then? Does it invalidate me somehow that I absolutely love to play with performative femininity? Or that I want my body changes and surgeries to make me extremely curvy and conventionally attractive? Have I been mindfucked to want these things and feel right and at home in a body like this? Or how I get so much joy from the performative side of womanhood?

Why can't I fit in with anybody? Why can't I be allowed to exist as uniquely me? No two people are exact copies of each other, back when I was kid, it was cool to be unique and outcast and a bit weird. No fucking labels and uniqueness was awesome. What happend to it? Why can't I be goddamn accepted for being me? I know less than five people who are very close to my experience in life and none of them are exactly like me... So then what? Where's my place? I'm such a mix of things that it makes me an outsider to almost everybody.

I guess its sort of take it or leave it. If being uniquely weird oddbird that doesn't fit in is too much... I guess I'll be alone then. Or get a new puppy, dogs don't discriminate as they're smarter than people in that way, their love is unconditional.

[Kay Lady]

I often have similar feelings. The society of the world is so toxic and dysfunctional. People walk around like zombies filled with fear that they don't fit into the labels and compartments that have evolved for no good reason. When they see someone who doesn't fit nicely into those, they project their unconscious fears onto people like us. They don't even have a crumb of a clue that they are doing it. It is really them and their problem. But most of the world refuses to wake up and smell the coffee. And if they don't get their way, they act like a two year old and throw a tantrum.

I feel like I am walking my path completely alone. My dogs accept me and my therapist. I may try a local trans support group, but I wouldn't be surprised if I don't go back if they are gate keepers. Maybe I am pre-judging them before I go. The area I live in is semi-conservative. I have seen some transwoman when I am shopping in stores, so they are out there. I feel like this can be a lonely existence, but I do not want to live like the zombies wandering around in their judging, criticizing, non-accepting, projecting trance.

[Heaven's Night]

Its harsh. To be too different to have any worth to almost anyone... People are so shallow and just plain stupid with it all. Losing my dog along with almost all my old life friends was such blow I didn't expect it to be. Nothing else has made me so bitter because my dog didn't care about identity bullshit or about being different. I so much prayed for him to stay with me. He was so loyal to his last breath.

I kinda feel empty inside thinking how crushed my social life has become, how it barely exists. And I feel I have no future either because I'm not good for anything and I have zero value. Not enough even as a woman to sell my ass. Not even that. I so much wish to get a new puppy next year because dogs are just better than people. They will never abandon me for insignificant things.

There's this weird othering even on social media... Feels like this forum is the only place where I'm not being actively judged and othered and where some people actually appreciate me. Only thing that is similar is music scene, but those people tolerate my weirdness only because I'm a good drummer and vocalist. And some for knowing me for such long time.

[DruLactin]

I definitely resonate with this, though I was lucky enough to find someone that's at least partially in my tribe. It's hard knowing that half of the people you reveal your mind to will find you irreconcilably different to them. however, you might find that people start to join your tribe once they see your way of thinking. The only reason they would never do that is if there's a mental inconsistency. And even then... logical inconsistencies show up tons in a worldview.

It could also be that all the people that you might resonate with gave up looking for tribe members and left the internet. You often seem like you want to. Idk how you'd find them, but I think they might be out there.

-Aria

[Heaven's Night]

Its quite crazy really, during last four years, I have ended up with only tiny handful of people who have firstly stuck up with me and secondly who feel like being kinda close enough to relate enough... Its really rough, I thought ordinary women would accept me and totally take me as one of their own. Nope, they're just as judgemental as men, just in a different way. And then I got disappointed with like what, 99% of trans women too? Those few who I see as real friends are very few. Less than ten people in total and some don't even keep contact with me any more. Its sad.

I've been told many times over that things will get better, just give it time blaablaablaa. I don't think so, nothing doesn't seem to be getting any better about my social standing what so ever. At least the few friends have stuck up with me. It means so much. And from all online spaces, this forum feels closest to home. I guess its very telling in some ways.

[OOO]

Lara and Kay Lady

I stepped away from BN over a week ago, because the climate had got so toxic, and my wife and I had lots of big decisions that needed our attention.

But I just couldn’t leave your post alone.  Johanna, may I use your name as I feel it’s a unique and beautiful name.  First thanks again for having my back. Maybe in a few weeks/months I can fill in the blanks.

Let me start by saying I’m older than most of you, but not wiser.  I’m not familiar with all the LABELS and definitions the younger crowd uses. So if I mislabel someone or use the wrong word or definition, I don’t mean anything by it.  It’s just my own stupidity and it upsets me. With guidance from you and other like minded people I can be educated.

Johanna  
You are a very special important part of this community.  In another post you said words to the effect.  You felt like you might be driving other trans away. I don’t feel that way, I feel like you’re helping people like me.  Without your input over the last months I hate to think where I would be.  You say you belong no where! That statement is just WRONG.  You belong here in this world trying to help others like me. 

I can tell you where you belong, along with your ideas. YOU BELONG RIGHT HERE AND IN THIS WORLD WITH THE REST OF US LIKE MINDED WOMEN. 

Society will have to learn to accept the fact we are part of this world too.


YOUR WORK IS NOT DONE.

Always!

Caylee

Now I must  Sashay away! for awhile.  Must say hello to Nadi

[IanW55]

Hi Luara,

Dont know if you got my private email I sent you, in that I told you that I have mental health issues that I have now learnt to control, may I offer some advice, please do not take this personally.

I believe you are try to hard to find the holy grail, that said I do know where you are coming from, the world as I now know it is cruel and twisted, all becasue of social media and bigots who spout lies about people like me and you, they have never stopped to ask us about our feelings, wishes or desire and accepted us as human beings that is ignorance.

When I saw my therapist she suggested I joined a like minded group who meet up on a regular basis, not an online group but face to face. She said I would be surprised how many people in that group would help me, she said we are not talking about orgies or sexual perverts but people who care.

I cannot remeber where in world you live, but I am sure there would be groups who you could approach and get help from, they may unlock doors that you may think are closed to you.

Just walk through that door

Lots of love to you
Ian

[Heaven's Night]

Hi Ian, its a good idea, but in where I live, there's no support groups here... Nothing what so ever I would know of. It sucks, in bigger places I could find something but there's nothing here. My town is one of those dead end places where almost all LGBT people in general either move out or they disappear the moment they can so I'm quite alone here.

Caylee, that's so sweet to call me by my second name. Almost nobody does that, I love it. That's the reason I've stuck up with BN. I thought I would stay for especially trans women who end up here looking for answers and help with their medical transition. Obviously for all other reasons too as we can discuss everything in here. And I took this NBE journey as a challenge and it has become a hobby and passion as well. I wanted to take all amazing information from Lotus and prove her right and figure out my own twist to breast development and on that I have succeeded better than I could have ever dreamed of. I have been contemplating leaving couple of time, but I always come back to thinking that there are people here who need me. There aren't enough hormone science sorcerers sharing the magic out there so I thought to stick up with it.  

Yet there is this emptiness and sadness for not belonging. When I'm out there in real world, I stealth. People see and hear just a tall curvy lady and have no faintest idea about my background. It gives peace of mind, but I cry silently every day knowing that if the illusion of normalcy breaks, almost all of them would reject me, other me and feel weirded out by me. I think being extremely cis passable helps acceptance a lot, people are shallow like that, but I dunno... So much should change, everyone who deals with any trans person has to transition their minds to acceptance and that is very difficult or nearly impossible to pull off. A lot of people just can't, but then again, hitting all gender identifiers in their mind makes it much easier.

I find this to hold some weird fateful irony, that I'm so non conforming to feminine stereotypes, yet at the same time I fit into so much of it that nobody has any idea about me. They don't know and that leads to normal behaviour on their part. Oh and seeing feminists going sour about trans and intersex women hurts so much. We should be sisters to each other, what good is division and hate when world is full of it already?

In some ways I've been looking for that feeling of belonging since I was child and never truly found it. Its strange, it feels like most people don't ever need to ponder upon things like this. I'm an oulier in quite a lot, socially too.

[CM213]

Lara I'm sorry you're feeling this way. But what you speak is the bitter truth of the world and society. There are few that are as strong as you to keeping going down the same path to be the authentic you, no matter what the world throws at you. 

I feel many people think, feel, and have similar morals and values as you, but they're too Afraid to take a stand since they have seen all to well what the world does to those who take a stand for what they are or believe in. 

You are far more stronger than me.

[Heaven's Night]

Acceptance is difficult, acceptance with understanding is rare. I don't like the fact that transition takes courage, it shouldn't. I feel strange when people congratulate me for bravery as I'm not volunteering into this. Believe me that I wouldn't do any of this if I didn't have to. But then as I must transition, then I'll do everything to make it work out, price wont matter, neither the time it takes... If it needs bravery, then so be it.