[HelloDiDi]

Awww so many heart warming comments.

Thank you Tommie, they're really starting to look so much more mature, but I'm far from being done yet. I'm sure I have Tanner stage five starting, the topical protocol is giving so much fullness I think there's a whole lot of side branching going on.

Stevenator, we're all blacksmiths of our own happiness with this and I say embrace it fully and never look back, life is short.

Caylee, therapy is quite interesting as it can clear your mind about so much. Even though as in itself it wont usually solve problems, but give ideas on how to work it out. My therapist is mostly a listener, an outsider to whom I can open up about anything and everything. Its been really nice going to see her and I just applied for another year. I might be ablet o get a third year if I need it but I can't know yet how life goes on.

Wee2er, gosh I wish HRT didn't make me lose so much strenght. That's one of the very few things is miss from past. To be honest I don't like this big strong woman thing I feel I'm forced to do. I would rather be so much smaller and cuter and just more feminine, but I can't escape my body and genetics. Its really hard to pull off being feminine enough to just be accepted, let alone being seen pretty or sexy or anything more than just big bulky Nordic forest troll. At least I'm so far off of any beauty standards it keeps a lot of unwanted attention away.

[wee2er]

Loss of strength does suck!

I know you really struggle with it, but you are definitely no Nordic troll, and yes you are far so off the beauty norms that are pushed on us all and yet all I see is a lovely woman who's working her femininity with the genetics she has been dealt with.
Go gurl go is what I say 

[HelloDiDi]

...and yes you are far so off the beauty norms that are pushed on us all...

This really did not cheer me up. I know I'm not attractive and fit nowhere with nobody. My body is just totally so wrong with everything except for boobs. And trans women are required to be hyper feminine, over the top, utopian unreal scifi women... I can't be anywhere near that, I can't be worth anything no matter how hard I try.

Being passable is nice, but its not making me happy. Its only making sure I wont get hate crimed as easily as I otherwise would.

Yea, totally not attractive by any measure.

I'm feeling fucking terrible btw, I think my T is too high, changing to Bica is painful and I'm not sure what to do otherwise, there's no other way, I don't want to take two blockers at full doses at the same time, I'm already scared of hurting myself with all this.

[Ninja]

Lara you are being way too hard on yourself. With or without makeup you are a beautiful woman. Cis-women come in all shapes and sizes and that's is what makes them beautiful- what you are seeing in the mirror is not what others see. You have come such a long way you should be proud  and happy about what you have achieved. Trans women don't have to be over the top feminine to be accepted. Don't know if I can post another web site but here it goes Susan's Place check it out and you will see trans  women come in all shapes and sizes and that makes them beautiful also. Hope this cheers you up 

[HelloDiDi]

I've been called mediocre and "unconventional" enough times that I know I'm not delusional, other see it too. I know I fit nowhere, I'm no good for anything. Especially with my looks. Knowing how women are diverse doesn't really help, knowing how most trans women are even worse off than I am isn't making me feel any better.

I would be better off not posting any pictures at all, then I wouldn't get to hear things I rather not hear at all. I'm happier in my tiny bubble pretending to be pretty and pretending that I have some sort of worth as a woman. It feels like I've just lost everything, that transition is a massive mistake as its price is just too much.

Today is horrible. I just want to leave, I want to sleep and I want to stop existing. Fireplace shot all the smoke in the world inside, I'm having quite bad dysphoria because of T levels being probably too high, I had made a mistake with paying electricity bills which is going to fuck me up next month and what else. All this crap stacks on my shoulders and keeps pushing me down. I already had a crazy crying panic attack and took a sedative. I gave up trying to figure out the bills, its going to mess up my plans for sure as I'm so stupidly poor.

And getting to hear how I'm not conventionally attractive at all kinda hurts. Maybe I'll stop posting pictures here too. I have very little online presence in general, I would likely be happier without any at all.

[Ninja]

You would be terrible missed -you are an inspiration to all

[HelloDiDi]

BN is the only place where I'm accepted online. And my Discord obviously as its few friends there, but most of the time its very quiet and not much discussion. This is the place of least negativity online and as I have so little actual real life social interaction, I have to make up something. I'm not leaving here as then it would be total nothingness for a lot of time.

I just feel bad about posting pictures. I never fit in, I'm never good enough no matter what I try. Its rough, in previous life it was different, I was so accepted and so loved and no one ever said things that I've been hearing a lot for the last few years. I guess its because the demands for looks isn't the same for those perceived as men? I used to have pretty privilege the way guys have it... And now, average, mediocre, unconventional and so on.

I wish being unconventional or somehow unique would be appreciated. These days it seems that its not, only being super generic and fitting into insane social media SIMS virtual unreal norms is good for anything. Even those who have some kind of alternative thing with looks are only noticed if they're still conventionally attractive enough. I so much hate this because I feel that my worth as a woman is all about how fuckable I look like. At least I'm very lesbian oriented so I don't need to try to please men much, that would be a nightmare as then I would be completely a persona non grata.

This day is just horrible, one of the days I wish I never woke up to. Too much everything going wrong... Weather is nice, but I'm too tired to go carry the rest of the firewood inside. I'll try tomorrow.

[MEIK-E]

I've been called mediocre and "unconventional" enough times that I know I'm not delusional, other see it too. I know I fit nowhere, I'm no good for anything. Especially with my looks. Knowing how women are diverse doesn't really help, knowing how most trans women are even worse off than I am isn't making me feel any better.

I would be better off not posting any pictures at all, then I wouldn't get to hear things I rather not hear at all. I'm happier in my tiny bubble pretending to be pretty and pretending that I have some sort of worth as a woman. It feels like I've just lost everything, that transition is a massive mistake as its price is just too much.

Today is horrible. I just want to leave, I want to sleep and I want to stop existing. Fireplace shot all the smoke in the world inside, I'm having quite bad dysphoria because of T levels being probably too high, I had made a mistake with paying electricity bills which is going to fuck me up next month and what else. All this crap stacks on my shoulders and keeps pushing me down. I already had a crazy crying panic attack and took a sedative. I gave up trying to figure out the bills, its going to mess up my plans for sure as I'm so stupidly poor.

And getting to hear how I'm not conventionally attractive at all kinda hurts. Maybe I'll stop posting pictures here too. I have very little online presence in general, I would likely be happier without any at all.

Hello Lara,
I am Meik-e from Germany and have been a longtime Reader of your great threads and of course an Idol for me. It is now the right time to write this...Please keep it up, you are very special, give a shit on others opinions. Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. The Ones which are telling this are all liars.I am 60 years old and have seen more of this stupid humans if one can remember in my life...

I   you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Caylee]

Lara Johanna,

Please realize there’s more to this than you realize.  There are a lot of us out here that love ❤️ you and support your journey.  But it’s way bigger than that, there’s lots of us that depend on you, if you leave BN, or go underground you would be leaving a lot of trans without the support they desperately need. (myself included).

When I first started my transition if I failed I would be letting myself down. Now if I fail I will be letting myself and my wife down.  As the journey continues if I fail I would be letting YOU down, as the support you have shown is life changing for me.

You know the ones of us you care, reach out to us we will listen. 

For the ones DiDi, doesn’t know, if you care, reach out to her, as this life can be the most difficult, stressful, and most of all the most LONELIEST LIFE THERE IS.

Love, ❤️ 

Caylee

[Half a Shadow]

Lara, hello! I couldn't pass by after reading your latest posts. You look great, if I saw your photos anywhere else, I wouldn't doubt for a second that this is a natural woman, both in face and body. Please be kind to yourself. You've reached heights that most people have never even dreamed of! There are many women in my area who look like you. And no one thinks they're not beautiful! Be yourself, the way you are!
I've never shown my photos anywhere, but I see so many friendly people here that I can do it, and the first one is already on the avatar. So I would be glad to see your photos. I think many people will support me.
P.S. I wrote it with the help of an online translator. If the translation is inaccurate, please do not judge strictly