[Brianna]

Hi Shirazmn

I think your description is spot on for me as well! 
When T goes down enough all fetish and sexdrive goes away
 and with it the desire to feminize. 
For me its also that I get scared when the budding and growth pick up speed with the increased E level. But, when hormones normalizes again the fem drive comes back. 
However I really dont know where my fem desire  comes from.

Hi Tommie
Where the fem drive is from, is probably different fro person to person. I remember that I was jealous of my girl classmate's opaque colorful pantyhose when I was 4 years old and that I loved the look of their Maryjane shoes. My memories don't go much further back, but I can say that I always wanted something feminine. Still, I really enjoyed most of my masculine upbringing and even now I am really happy with my current position of "man of the house", father, husband, and (as many know me) leading "tough guy". I wish I could just incorporate some feminine things into my daily life, but I can't. I have a managerial position at work and I wish I could just walk into the office in a tailored power suit with a low-cut top, pencil skirt, and 5" high heels, and be respected.
From my point of view, I just came to realize that I am mostly an hedonist. I do things because I like them. I found that, within the boundaries of what doesn't hurt the other people I care about, there is nothing inherently wrong with self indulgence. I like the feel of high heels, the soft touch of sheer stockings, the hug of a bra, I buy them and wear them when I can. I want to feel the bounce of a pair of breasts, see a nice cleavage when I wear a bra, so I am growing boobs.

And again, hedonism feeds on sex drive. I would never transition because, in all honesty, I'd rather be an average looking guy than an ugly looking trans woman. I keep on saying, even to my wife as a joke, that if I could transition into an 18 years old KPop girl idol I would do it right away but, unless they invent cloning and brain transplant in the next 20 years, I doubt I'll ever be able to. I don't feel the need to be a woman, but I really want to feel like one from time to time, and that drives me forward but it slows down when my T is low or my sex drive is otherwise satisfied. I noticed many times that if my sex life intensifies then my crossdressing and breast growth drive lowers a lot.

I would suggest you look into yourself and try to understand what is that you want VS what is that you need. Then free yourself of what society expects from you, get rid of the black and white definition of man/woman (the world today is more flexible than that) and try to understand how much of each side you can use to be your whole self.

Wow! You pretty much summed up me which is something I have tried to put into words. I would probably transition if I thought for a minute I could be passable. I'm pretty sure that would take more years and patience than I have and more money than I have as well. That being said, I indulge myself where, when, and how I can within the constraints of my life. I admit it is a struggle at times but so far I have been able to balance it. I suppose a major factor is having an adventurous and supportive spouse. Thank you for sharing this post!

[Tommie]

After summer I got the Purge after few months on HRT and stopped abruptly. I was off any HRT or herbs for five weeks, then I got the Urge, to start growing my breasts again. So September 5th it was full speed ahead again. This time with a combination oh HRT and herbs. It felt totally right and good. Budding took off again and I thought this time I wouldn’t get the Purge anymore. But, after seven weeks I started to notice some negative mental changes. I felt low, anciety, no energy or motivation for anything and I was very preoccupied with myself. A depression was close I felt. So I decided to once again discontinue my programme and on Thursday October 31st I stopped totally. Now three days later I can feel my mood is better, feel happier and I am much more mentally present with my family.
I will be off any treatment the rest of the year and see how I feel then. This time however I will not throw everyrhing away like I have in the past. The Urge will probably come back.
But why do I get the very negative mental changes from the programme. I took Estrogel two pumps, Saw Palmetto 320 mg and Fenugreek 600 mg per day.
This was the last week before stopping, the five weeks before that that took Kliofem pill instead of Estrogel.

[Stevenator_]

Keep in mind that each pump of Estogel is only 0.75mg of Estradiol. Two pumps is only 1.5mg delivered, and unfortunately that is not enough to do anything for you as far as breast growth is concerned.

In my experience with Estogel, even 4 pumps a day wasn't cutting it and to get meaningful levels. I was using 6-8 pumps a day. The best place to apply Estogel, to get good blood levels, is the scrotum.

After a while, Estogel became a pain for me with the constant messy dosings every day.

Best of luck to you.

[Stevenator_]

Another thing to consider is your AA might not be strong enough. Even Red Reishi isn't as strong as a proper pharma-grade AA.

Another often overlooked thing is SHBG levels are often too high. It's important to try and keep these low as possible, which for me is tricky. Do a keyword search in the science threads about how to lower SHBG.

Another overlooked thing, especially here on BN imo, is age & growth hormone. As we get older, our GH levels plummet. Growth Hormone is vital to grow breasts, and it's important to maintain good GH levels. One thing you can do is intermittent fasting, but the best way to raise them imo is intense exercise.

Breast growth for bio males is a tricky venture, making sure all the dots line up and are correctly connected. The struggle is real lol.

Best of luck to you.

[prostatenipple]

Another thing to consider is your AA might not be strong enough. Even Red Reishi isn't as strong as a proper pharma-grade AA.

Any chance that combining AAs would help?
Something like Red Reishi + Saw Palmetto + Pygeum + Green Tea Extract?

[Stevenator_]

I do know that Lotus has said in the past that RR & WP can be combined.

[prostatenipple]

WP... I dont have that, and never tried.
Makes me want to try it.

By heck! I ordered a bottle on ebay now.

[prostatenipple]

Swallowed my first ever White Peony capsule 20 minutes ago.

Life Extension Peony Immune White Peony Root extract, 600mg per capsule providing 252mg paeoniflorin.

[Avalon]

Snap... my WP just arrived today. Mine is powder - going to have to experiment on the best way to take, i mixed the dose into a cup of spearmint tea i had on the go. Won't be doing that again lol.

It's a 10:1 extract with a 250mg dose, which i've understood correctly is equivalent to 2500mg.

[Avalon]

There seems to be a slight irony in replying to myself in a thread titled "what is wrong with my brain?"...

I mixed today's WP into a shot of expresso. I think it actually added to the intensity so... result