[Bibi]

Okay, I hope someone can shed some light on this situation. There´s this guy I´m friends with who´s always been attracted to me - I know because he´s told me so many times. We´ve been communicating almost only online for years because we´re both busy, and this year I told him I was interested in him as well (I got divorced a couple of years ago and wasn´t into dating for a while).

Since then we´ve been chatting romantically almost every day, and have had cybersex and phonesex which is always very intense. The thing is, that´s the only thing we do! At first I thought that was normal because he lives far away and works long hours, but it´s been months now and we haven´t seen each other in person. When I hint at getting together he tells me he wants to see me in the future, not now (??). I feel like he´s kind of "dosifying" me, he tells me he´d like us to start getting physical slowly when we do meet. I´m not sure what to make of this. This is a grownup, almost 40 (like myself) and isn´t involved with someone else, as far as I know. The other thing that´s weird is that he´s never been married or even lived with someone, though he has had girlfriends, so perhaps there are some commitment issues?

But anyway, am I being too impatient? Is he just shy or what? I know it´s hard to speculate on other people´s motives but I´d appreciate some insights because this situation is making me very irritable (though of course I try to keep my cool when I´m talking with him).

[Isabelle]

Maybe there's a serious issue with his looks or health. If you've had phone sex, you know what it could be. Make him feel comfortable with the idea that you focus on his possibilities, not on his limitations.

He could have personality issues that get worse as the level of intimacy in a relationship increases. Not likely, because in that case, he would already have started dosing between sms and phone sex.

Here's the old tranny trick to deal with commitment issues. Find the place or event you would both enjoy going to. Pick something you would enjoy anyway, with or without him. Let him know you're there. Be there, make sure you can be identified in the crowd, and put up a show. It can take several tries before he bites, and even if he doesn't, you still had a good time. And you never know who else gets interested.

[CousinRose]

I would just ask him. Why don't you want to meet in person now?
Maybe he is shy because you have been intimite on the phone and he is afraid it would be akward to meet you after that. I know I would Good luck, tell us how it goes =)[/b]

[Bibi]

Thanks for your replies! I´m probably being too "tactful" in that I don´t want to be pushy, insisting on getting together. As we´ve been intimate on the phone and everything I feel it would be too much, you know? Like I´m coming on too strong. So I guess I can sense some sort of shyness or whatever on his part, some subtle signs that it overwhelms him a bit, even though he doesn´t stop the contact.

The idea of going to an event where we could meet is a good one, Isabelle, I´ll have to think when and where, it might not be too soon.
I was just wondering what this behaviour of his could mean emotionally (I have wondered if he had some health issue but it would´ve shown, right?) and why someone would act like that. Oh and Isabelle what do you mean about dosing between the chats and phone? Because I´ve noticed he does take some days off (so to speak) after we´ve had some more intense conversations, but he always resumes things after a couple of days.

[Pansy-Mae]

Because I´ve noticed he does take some days off (so to speak) after we´ve had some more intense conversations, but he always resumes things after a couple of days.

That sounds to me like a confirmation of what I thought when I read your original post...this guy just enjoys getting his rocks off by fantasy, and for whatever reason, doesn't want to get real... sorry if it sounds brutal, but I think you are wasting your time and just giving him cheap thrills.

Pansy Mae

[Isabelle]

Well, Pansy Mae,

I'm not sure he's into thrills. He might even be avoiding them.

And Bibi, what I mean is texting and chatting are less intimate than actually hearing a voice. If he has issues with fear, e.g. of intimacy, it should be a lot easier to get him started in a chat than on the phone.

But what you write looks different. He may just have a secondary way of reacting to emotions. I have that myself: if something intense happens, I don't know if I liked it until two or three days later. That is the time for the next step.

You may find it hard to get used to being in the dark for two days. But other than that, it's very easy to deal with. Put a beep in your agenda at the time when he'll be finished processing the emotions. Use the time to think of a good one liner, and text him.

Good luck, I do hope Pansy Mae is not right on this one, even though she usually is.

[Pansy-Mae]

Good luck, I do hope Pansy Mae is not right on this one, even though she usually is.
__________________________________

Trust your instincts

Isabelle
I think your sig is absolutely spot on, for this subject.

[Bibi]

Well, you know, at the moment I´m not really sure what my own feelings are in this matter, so that might be a good thing. As for the time off to process emotions, I´ve noticed a lot of guys do that. Actually in this case I don´t really contact him, he´s the one who texts or emails me first most of the time.

But anyways, I´ve always been close with him so that´s what makes it more complex.
Before I got married we used to hang out a lot, I spend more time with him than with my ex husband. He was about to kiss me on several ocasions but never did. Then I went to live abroad for a couple of years and we emailed each other regularly. When I came back we still maintained contact and got together as friends once in a while, though I was with someone else (my ex). The year I got separated we started chatting every day, it was all sort of sexy. We also got together but I guess I just acted evasive (because things were just not clear in my marriage). Then I got divorced. Our contact became less intense, and after a while I tried to get in touch again but he was the one being evasive. Now, some months ago he went to live to another town and I told him I´d always been afraid of getting involved with him but that I wasn´t afraid anymore, and that´s how we started having this strange online relationship!

Okay, after writing this all down I feel like a complete bitch. It´s sort of clear why he wouldn´t rush into things with me, right? I hope y´all don´t tell me I deserve this but give me advice on how to win his trust.

[Cheryl1989]

Hi Bibi, my opinion is that he has performance issues when actually with someone, this can effect men in very serious ways, he might have some thing that he is very embarresed about, a small penis or something he finds hard to admit to anyone. im curious has he sent you pictures or anything like that ? There could be so many reasons for him being how he is. But usually a man would jump at the opportunity of sex or just being intimate with someone they like so there is a problem that you really need to get to the bottom of. Are you 100% sure he is single ? because alot of men do this kind of thing, its a form of cheating without the risk in most cases. Im not saying thats the case, i mean you know him hun so you know best but i know of this thing happening. I do think you need to comfront him, do it in a joking way and just say why dont you want to meet up with me now ? is there a problem, and make him feel comfortable and like he can tell you anything in the world. The minute he is convinced that he can tell you his problems then believe me he will, i think he just needs to know you will understand whatever his problem is. If he doesent tell you something after a few weeks of you convincing him he can talk to you about it then i think theres a serious problem, and i then mean he has a girlfriend or he is just doing this for some sexual fantasy reasons. I was like this when i started developing breasts, i avoided contact with women i liked and i also had phone sex and so on, i was still attracted to women then, and it was because one of these female friends convinced me i could tell them anything that i actually come clean and told them. Im not saying he is anything like me or like that in any way but theres something he is hiding 100%. PM me anytime chick if you want and let me know hows things progress with this guy

Hugs Cheryl xxxx

[Isabelle]

OK Pansy Mae,

Chances are you're right. But I still want to give Bibi the tools to give this a go. She can get hurt, but doing nothing will haunt her.

Bibi,

Now you've given this much detail, it looks exactly like what a friend of mine is going through. After her divorce, she was with three other men before the good friend of long ago decided to make a move. She's not a bitch either, divorce just does that. They are together now, but he is not comfortable with talking sex and with moving into one house.

She thinks it's insecurity, Cheryl may well be right. But being older, I also see a developmental issue. There are two lives moving at different paces in different directions. Both have had their disappointments. So how do you build trust? And how do you make sure both of you have enough grip on your life to be able to merge them for what it adds, and not out of need?

What I advised her is to avoid stress. Going on vacation together is very awkward. They did, but she avoided discussing their future and the issues in their relationship. She also avoids anything anxiogenic, even coffee. She talks to her analyst about issues like neediness, so that doesn't distort the conversations with her man. I also advised her to just say so if she needs time to process things herself, without leaving the impression that there is still a big discussion left hanging in the air, waiting to become a thunderstorm.

Once she managed to lower the general level of anxiety in her life, things sort of started to take care of themselves. She suddenly found a new job. The location takes the sting out of the discussion about moving into one house or not. I spend more time with her on the phone and shopping, so she has some girl talk outside her relationship. Exchanging their fantasies is slowly becoming easier.

Teenagers naturally adapt to make room for one another in their lives. Think back to the stupid things and the sacrifices you would not have thought twice about then. OK, you're older and wiser now and you'll be happy you are if he's not right for you. But there is something about first love that takes an effort to re-create.