(03-11-2011, 05:27 PM)bryony Wrote: Hi Beverley,
I have been following your history and very interesting it is too!
I hope you don't mind my asking - say so if you do - but it sounds like you are going to transition, is that so? I know you have a wife and an active sex life, so will it be a partial transition? Your reply sounds like you are thinking of a castration too.... how does your wife feel about this? Also will you be able to remain married if you get a gender change?
Sorry, I'm just too curious not to ask - I'm happy to share too!
Bryony x
OK.. there are some things I am happy to share on a public forum, other things by Private Messages and still others that are nobody's business, so on that basis:
I never intended to transition. I was never fully content as a male but I was never so malcontented that I knew from a young age that I had to transition. I never wanted Barbie dolls or to grow long nails, but looking back there were incidents that do make me wonder if they were early signs that all was not as it should be.
One particularly clear memory is from around age 5. I was playing with three girls and I announced that in the game I would be the princess. My mother overheard me and I can still remember the telling off I got. I think that was the day I learned to keep my mouth shut. Even now I have a reputation for keeping my mouth shut and not being 'gossipy' about personal issues.
Other incidents - the incredible embarrassment I felt as a teenager when my cousin told me I was nearly a man. It was a very uncomfortable feeling and I remember exactly where I was when she said it - the room, the furniture, were we were sitting and so on. There are other indicators too but you get the idea. None of these were pushing me forward to transition, but they were there. I always wanted BOTH ears pierced, I always wanted drop or hoop earrings - never studs. Masculine jewellery I always found repulsive, but female jewellery I always found lovely (well some of it...). I always loved female shoes, especially heeled sandals.
So in the end I decided I was a TV and for 20 years, on and off (more off than on) I lived with that. My wife knew but no one else did. My mouth was still firmly shut.
Then in 2010 I made the mistake of painting my toenails. I do not know why, I just did it with frosted pink polish and I was doomed. The dam burst and the desire to live as female was overwhelmingly strong. I could not resist it, I could not fight it. I told my wife who was only moderately worried and we agreed to tell the children
gradually and introduce it gradually and slowly. As young teenagers it was possible to have long talks and explain that I was having these desires and that I wanted to make slow changes a bit at a time. My eldest bought my a nail polish set for Xmas and other presents were a satin nightie and 3" heeled court shoes. When I go out of the house - to pick my daughter up from her part-time job, to go food shopping, to go into town - I go
en femme because it makes it easier for people to accept me. I am Beverley, not 'him'. 'He' has gone and is not returning.
Eventually I decided that a fleshier chest would help and I found this place (BreastNexus). By this stage I was starting to dress
en femme as much as possible. The nails were growing, the hair was growing and I was losing weight too.
Then I went on to FG and PM and another lock was opened and the mental changes began and I started to question if I was a TV with pretensions or a TS. I joined local support group and took my wife along. We frequently talk about the changes I am undergoing and she has gradually accepted that the old me is going - slowly vanishing from her life and the new me - Beverley - will be more and more prominent, and there is nothing manly about Beverley. I started the year as UK size 18/20 and I am now 12/14. My shoe size is 1 - 2 size smaller. My body hair is getting finer, head hair is returning and apart from 2 pairs of trousers and two shirts all my male clothes have gone. My wardrobe is now a collection of dresses and skirts.
So where does that leave me now? I have not formally started to transition yet because I want more physical changes to happen first before I go near my unhelpful doctor or the certified lunatics called psychiatrists. Like Chrissie, I want them so see that the whole thing is a 'done deal'
What is the difference between a TV and a TS? About 5 years.
The process is very, very gradual and by letting it be gradual, by not shoving it in anyone's face and screaming 'Look at me!' it lets people see that you are still you. You are not a weirdo. It is not a shock. One good friend has started to ask questions - her husband is not bothered and I just told her that all is not as it should be but refused to elaborate further. When I visit them I remove my nail polish, but my nails are still long, I tie my shoulder length hair in a ponytail. My eyebrows stay plucked into two very fine lines, I wear ladies flared jeans, a ladies blouse and female ankle boots. It is subtle, but not invisible, neither is it in their face.
Over time the changes in me will become more noticeable but they (and others) will adapt slowly and travel with me. One of my sister-in-laws has started asking questions too.
I have now accepted that I was never really TV. That was just a stage on this journey. I never intended to be TS although I remember once - just the once - the electrifying certainty that I would die as a female.
What happens next? I wait and I proceed slowly and patiently letting things progress at their own speed although at times I find that very, very difficult.
If I had a magic button that I could press, one that would all this go away and make me a 'normal' man - would I press it? Would you? Think of what lies ahead, the difficulties, the obstacles the fact that you will ALWAYS be 'she who used to be a bloke' - you will NEVER be free of that. You might lose family and friends, you might be ridiculed, assaulted or attacked. You might develop mental health problems or depression. To be sure there will be good things and good times too, but for now look at the negatives and ask yourself this: What sane individual would voluntarily transition? If that button existed you would a bl**dy idiot not to press it.
No such button exists and my only way is forward. I have no choices and I will have to deal with the negatives. I am not resentful or sad or worried by it. I have accepted that it is my path even though I never planned it and never knowingly wanted it. It is me. I have no choice. If you are
truly TS then you will have no choice either and fighting against your inner, your true self, is futile because she will win and you will lose.
And so, at last, I can answer your original question about SRS. I have no idea what I will do. I am not thinking that far ahead. It is something that my wife and I will discuss as we proceed on this path. I want her on this journey with me, I want her to share with me. I tell her frequently how much I love her. We hug often, we share clothes and advice on clothes. We always make time to talk and we are always there for each other. If I go too fast, she pulls me back. I love her more than I can ever express in writing or words.
Go slowly Bryony, take your time and be as open as you can with your wife. Do not plan too far ahead and do not make your mind up in advance.
Do not journey alone if you can journey with a friend.
Beverley
I could go and on and on but I will force myself to stop. I want to have a cry anyway even though I am not sad or anything. I just feel like having a good blub.