[MonikaT]

So, I'm new here, but I've been lurking for about a week. I just joined, and I guess I should introduce myself.

I'm a male in my late 40s. I've had moobs since I first began to gain weight at the age of 7. When I was 8, they were big enough my mom threatened to buy me a training bra, but never did. I was both mortified and excited by that prospect.

I sometimes crossdress, but not as much as I did when I was in my 30s. Most of the time, it takes the form of wearing panties or thongs under my male clothing and sometimes keeping my toenails painted. On occasion, I will sleep in a nightie or wear a bra around the house. Today, I changed the oil in my car while wearing a bra under my shirt. It is rare for me to dress from top to bottom since it is so much work to depilate--I look like Chewbacca under my clothes. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration, but I am very hairy. I started going bald at 15, and I'm almost totally bald on top.

I have a fiancée (at least for the moment) who actually encourages my crossdressing and has no issues with my somewhat large breasts. We've been together about 2 years. She sometimes buys me lingerie and likes to paint my toenails. She also enjoys getting sexual with me whether I'm in male or female mode. What's killing our relationship is my low sex drive and erectile dysfunction. The former more than the latter. I was limp before we ever got together so she went into things with her eyes wide open. I also revealed my crossdressing and kinky nature on our first date. She responded by telling me to check out the movie Kinky Boots.

ED was initially caused by antidepressants I no longer take. I was briefly on Lexapro and instantly lost my erections which caused me great distress. When I switched to Effexor, I also lost my sex drive which actually brought me some peace since I no longer cared about the ED given I didn't care about sex. Oddly, the antidepressants never did relieve the depression. After more than 2 years, I went off the antidepressants in late 2006 in the hopes of getting back my sex drive and erections. Nothing happened.

About 18 months ago, I finally decided to address the sex drive and ED with bio-identical testosterone. I found a nurse practitioner who does bio-identical hormone therapy. Unfortunately, she was never really willing to do enough and went by how I felt rather than testing my blood. When I didn't improve, she became frustrated and cut me loose.

So, a few months ago, I found another nurse practitioner who at least tests blood, even if she refuses to check my estradiol level. My total T was 447 ng/dL. My free T was only 10.9 pg/mL. Oh, my DHEA sulfate is also low as is my thyroid. She put me on a bio-identical T cream about 3 weeks ago, upped my Armour thyroid, and added DHEA.

I know that's a lot to wade through so congrats if you've gotten this far.

Since going on T, my breasts are getting bigger. I was probably a 46A, and now I'm about a 46B. I'm assuming it is mostly fat since I do not feel any kind of knot or lump behind the nipple. I'm pretty sure I've been aromatizing much of my life, and it has only worsened with age. I'm also crossdressing more. I actually painted my toenails last night for the first time in over a year, and I've been sleeping in either a baby doll nightie my fiancée gave me or a bra and panties the past several nights. My sex drive is sort of returning, but mostly because my nipples, which have always been an erogenous zone, are constantly stimulated from rubbing on my shirt. Unfortunately, my fiancée and I only live together about half the time, she's been majorly pissed with me for months, and I've been alone for about a week now. Tomorrow, we're seeing our third therapist in an attempt to see if there is even anything left to save. Previous therapists were a waste of time. Now, things are so bad we both think we want to end it.

I've read enough of the forum to know about T poisoning as some call it, and I've read some of Dr. Vitale's website as it was linked in at least one thread.

I still can't seem to get an erection after 3 weeks on T. After reading the forum, I'm wondering if the 640 mg of standardized SP extract, stinging nettle and the ~400 mg of beta sitosterol I've been taking might be impacting the guy downstairs so I'm going to stop them. I used to wake up several times a night to urinate so I assumed I had prostate issues given my DHT must be high considering the MPB and excess body hair.

I just started taking maca 500 mg 2x daily (it's a 4:1 extract) and BS 400 mg 3x daily a few days ago, but still nothing.

If the maca puts some fat in my butt and hips, that's ok with me. I'm actually considering trying to grow real breasts instead of moobs. I took FG for a few months several years ago, but I guess the dose wasn't high enough to cause breast growth. I'm considering trying it again at the dosage I've seen here of 2-610 mg caps 3x daily for a few months. I already take a standardized FG extract in an attempt to control blood sugar. I also take 850 mg of metformin 3x daily. Metformin comes from goat's rue without the supposed threat of liver damage. My fiancée likes the smell of FG, and she likes my moobs. I'm sure she won't mind if they become more feminine. We've talked about it in the past, and she's ok with it as long as I keep initiating sex with her which has been the problem regardless of any attempts to grow breasts.

I know, feminization is permanent. It might mean the guy downstairs never works again. Well, he hasn't worked for over 7 years. I have no children or siblings. My parents are deceased. Like every woman I've ever dated, my fiancée does not want children. I've always wanted kids, but none of the women who wanted to date me either wanted them or were capable of having more. At 48, I just don't have the energy to deal with a newborn. I can't live with that kind of sleep deprivation. I'm already doing a fairly good job of hiding B-cup moobs. I think I can hide the real thing, but I could be wrong. As long as I don't end up looking like my mom, I think I'll be ok. She was a D cup, but most of her female relatives wore padded A-cups, if I remember correctly. I guess I just want to fill out, and make more feminine, what I already have. If they become C's, I'll just deal with them. I really have thought this out fairly well. I'm not quite ready to take the PM plunge and want to try other herbs first like fennel, FG, WY, and hops, though maybe hops is a bad idea given my history of depression.

[flamesabers]

Hello MonikaT.

If you ever do decide to go back on anti-depressants and are concerned about losing your sex drive, I recommend talking to your doctor about trying Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin may be helpful with countering the lack of interest in sex caused by anti-depressants.

It certainly sounds like you've put a lot of thought into NBE. I'm wondering though how do you reconcile the knowledge NBE may impair your ability/interest concerning sex knowing your fiancée wants to continue having sexual relations with you?

As far as wanting to fill out your bras, I've found pm to be most effective for breast growth. Taking herbs like RC, SP and FG were helpful with redistributing fat and enlarging my areolas, but it wasn't until I started pm that my breasts started budding.

[MonikaT]

Hello MonikaT.

If you ever do decide to go back on anti-depressants and are concerned about losing your sex drive, I recommend talking to your doctor about trying Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin may be helpful with countering the lack of interest in sex caused by anti-depressants.

It certainly sounds like you've put a lot of thought into NBE. I'm wondering though how do you reconcile the knowledge NBE may impair your ability/interest concerning sex knowing your fiancée wants to continue having sexual relations with you?

Bupropion (generic Wellbutrin) was the first antidepressant I tried. Believe it or not, it initially caused ED, but it went away after a few weeks. However, it made me incredibly irritable. It was a struggle to be polite to co-workers and others who mattered, but there is a clerk in the pharmacy at a nearby Walmart who probably still remembers me. I've kind of decided if my life ever sucks so much I need antidepressants, it is time to change my life rather than trying to change myself. I should have quit my job rather than trying to cope with a horrible situation.

Given Wellbutrin increases norepinephrine and dopamine, I tried mucuna pruriens (velvet bean extract), which is a natural form of L-Dopa, to bump my dopamine levels after going off all antidepressants. Nothing changed. L-Tyrosine and L-Phenylalanine both also convert to dopamine and norepinephrine. I take a gram of each, half in the morning and half at bedtime. Supposedly, Lexapro and Effexor are both SSRIs, and the excess serotonin kills the sex drive and erections. Dopamine is supposed to oppose that. None of that has worked for me which is what led me to testosterone, maca, and BS. In the past, I also tried horny goat weed, muira puama, longjack, tribulus terrestris, avena sativa (wild oats) and yohimbe, all to no avail.

I'm not sure how to keep the sex drive going enough to keep my fiancée happy. Maybe if my nipples keep getting stimulated regularly through ordinary, day-to-day activities, I will be horny enough to keep her happy. This has been an interesting development. I would be happy with nothing more than nipple stimulation. As I mentioned, they've always been an erogenous zone for me, but now it has reached an extreme. I have kind of gathered from other posts that this is not so unusual. It might just come down to having to force myself which hasn't worked so well up to now, but then I've also been very hypothyroid in addition to having low T.

My work schedule also hasn't helped. I work rotating shifts of 8 10-hour days on and 6 days off. I just finished 3 months of graves and start 3 months of swing in a couple days. Swing fits my normal sleep-wake schedule the best. Graves sucks the life out of me, and I've never been a morning person so days is really hard for me.

I guess if I can't overcome the effects of the herbs, I can live with the breasts I have if it means keeping her happy, assuming we manage to stay together. I'll know more after tomorrow.

She has never complained about my ED. Her complaint has been that I seemingly withdrew from her physically. We've both had a lot of stressors the past 18 months or so, and we've both sort of withdrawn from each other.

[Paige]

Hi Monika

In many ways, your beginning post sounded like I could have written it. You say you resemble Chewbacca, I sound like him when I yawn. :-)

I am of the same age as you and that lazy bum hanging out between my legs doesn't like to do much either. When I think of putting him out of work due to feminization, it really doesn't bother me as much as I used to think it would. My girlfriend isn't worried about my loss of male function; she just lets my fingers do the work.

Best wishes and I look forward to hearing more about your progress

~Paige

[MonikaT]

I am of the same age as you and that lazy bum hanging out between my legs doesn't like to do much either. When I think of putting him out of work due to feminization, it really doesn't bother me as much as I used to think it would. My girlfriend isn't worried about my loss of male function; she just lets my fingers do the work.

Best wishes and I look forward to hearing more about your progress

~Paige

Thanks, Paige. My fiancée is perfectly happy with my using fingers, toys, my tongue, etc. Our biggest issue is that my libido really tanked at least a year ago, and we don't really know why. She's losing patience, and honestly, so am I. I want more energy. I can barely walk a flight of stairs without my thighs becoming exhausted. So far, getting blood sugar under control hasn't done much. Thyroid is improving slowly, but they think I have thyroiditis which is uncommon in men.

I suspect the 100 mg of T cream applied 2x daily won't do much as long as it is aromatizing. Given my bigger moobs and my more sensitive nipples, I'm kind of reluctant to say anything. I haven't had any growing pains. I also haven't had any acne even with 25 mg of DHEA 4x daily. Then again, I never really had much acne during puberty, just an occasional pimple once in a while.

[JTX]

One other area you might look into for lack of energy is your Iron level. Adding som B12 has appreciably helped my energy level.

[MonikaT]

One other area you might look into for lack of energy is your Iron level. Adding som B12 has appreciably helped my energy level.

My B12 level is actually kind of high from using supplements, and my medical practitioner has told me to reduce the dose I was taking. My iron level tends to run just a little bit lower than the low end of the normal male range, but nobody seems concerned about it. My vitamin D3 is also near the bottom end of the scale even after taking 12,000 IU a day.

[bryony]

With your crossdressing history, it's possible that your depression is caused by gender dysphoria. You might find, like I did, that PM relieves depression, anxiety, and, strangely, E.D. I found that my developing breasts became erogenous to a degree that stimulation totally overcomes the E.D. - paradoxically, considering it is an estrogen mimic.

You might find it also boosts your energy, purely by making you happier.

Not guaranteed, of course.

You might also want to consider Butea Superba. This is another Thai herb, and claims to boost male virility. I used it, and it seemed to work, before I discovered that the erogenous breast/nipple effect rendered it unnecessary.

Good luck,

B.

[MonikaT]

With your crossdressing history, it's possible that your depression is caused by gender dysphoria. You might find, like I did, that PM relieves depression, anxiety, and, strangely, E.D. I found that my developing breasts became erogenous to a degree that stimulation totally overcomes the E.D. - paradoxically, considering it is an estrogen mimic.

You might find it also boosts your energy, purely by making you happier.

Not guaranteed, of course.

You might also want to consider Butea Superba. This is another Thai herb, and claims to boost male virility. I used it, and it seemed to work, before I discovered that the erogenous breast/nipple effect rendered it unnecessary.

Good luck,

B.

Honestly, most of my past depression was situational and work-related. When the work environment sucks and there is no home/personal life, depression tends to set in. I felt economically trapped in a bad work environment and couldn't find another job in my field no matter how hard I tried. Ultimately, I quit one job, was unemployed for five months, then found an even worse job that I was stuck in for four years until they fired me. Again, stuck because I couldn't fnd another job in my field. I was unemployed for 18 months at the beginning of this current economy. Oddly, unemployment was less stressful and less depressing than either of those jobs.

I'm presently trying the FG, SP, RC, Hops, Maca, MSM, Fennel, Pygeum, SN program. No changes in how I feel, yet. I had started it in September, but had to stop everything when I suffered a vitreal hemorrhage in each eye about a week apart. Medication fixed one, but I needed a vitrectomy in the other and had to discontinue all supplements prior to surgery in case something might slow clotting. I will likely switch to PM when I run out of FG, Hops and Fennel in a couple months or so.

I was taking BS at the time all of that went down; it didn't seem to do anything for me.

Oddly, when I was on T cream, my nipples itched, and I was really horny for about two weeks in the middle of the seven that I was on the cream. I also began to crossdress again which hadn't really happened in many months. So, the T poisoning hypothesis might have some merit.

I seem to get a lot of energy when crossdressed. I'm not sure why. It only really happens when dressed from head to toe.

I guess it no longer really matters if I get functionality back. My fiancée of 26 months terminated our relationship on 10/17. We'd been having problems for a very long time mostly related to my lack of libido. She felt undesired.

Given some of my other symptoms like the inability to experience pleasure, the inability to get a decent night's sleep and not really being able to love, I'm guessing part of my problem is low dopamine or blocked dopamine receptors in the brain. Dopamine also plays a role in depression. I've been wanting to get some mucuna pruriens to see if it will help. It never did in the past, but maybe things have changed.

[bryony]

Wow, you are having a bad time... really sorry to hear it.

Well, if the T-poisoning indicator is valid, I would recommend not waiting until you run out of the other stuff. PM is orders of magnitude stronger, and, for me, it was a life changer. If you intend to try it out, I would say sooner rather than later.

I've been taking it for 13 months now. Initially, as there was some evidence of what is coloquially known as "brain rewiring", I was going "cold turkey" every month, but I found that, for me, that was not necessary. Even after over a year of almost continuous high dose, I still don't feel a pressing need to try to become a female.

However, I rarely get depressed or anxious anymore, after 7 years or so of rarely NOT getting depressed or anxious.

Good luck!

B.