[amberd88]

I could use some advice, I'm a bit devastated at the moment. My husband confessed to me yesterday during my lunch break that he had an internet escapade with a woman, for the first year we were "exclusively" dating (we were living together from day one, long story). He had been chasing her for years before he met me, and apparently had unresolved feelings for her. Well she ran off during the beginning of their courtship years before he and i met and got pregnant, he was devastated. I had to call in the rest of the day at work, what great timing.
Funny thing is i had a dream 4 years ago that i remember vividly, where he was having an internet affair with a woman, and i told him about it when i had the dream. And all he said was hun it was just a dream it didn't mean anything...
He tells me there was no physical contact between them while he and i were together, just explicit photos and emails were exchanged. He lied to me by omission for 5 years, how can i believe that he is telling the whole truth about it now? What makes this even worse, is he is in a touring band, and is gone for a month or more at a time. I never had any doubt in my mind about his loyalty to me while on tour and in general till now.
He also says he did it out of vengeance, he wanted to string her along the way she had done him. He said he shared her photos with his friends. I don't know if i believe that, i know he also sent some pics of himself to her. He says there wasn't much emotion invested with her, but i don't believe that. I wish i had known before I decided to marry him, this would have weighed heavily in my decision.
I just have so many questions that i know wont be satisfied, even if he is telling me the truth now, i have doubt.
he has lived in an open manner for a long time now, his facebook and emails are left open on our computer. I want to trust that he has told me all that happened, but im having such a hard time.

[AbiDrew85]

Damn girl. THAT SUCKS!

I have to admit, my first reaction was divorce that idiot loser. But. I think you should try to be fair. Start some couples counseling. Both of you. Each individually, and also together. Haul his arse in there if you have to. Give him THE ultimatum. Whichever one will work better: no sex or no food or I'll divorce you if you don't. Whatever will get him into counseling.

And... my sympathy? Guys can be such idiots.

[gilly]

Amberd, I'm so sorry you are going through this!
I completely agree with Abidrew, both in that my first reaction is you should divorce him, but maybe it is better for everyone that you try counseling. If it is a great relationship otherwise, it might be worth saving. Forgiveness is always good, no matter if you end up staying in the relationship or not. But if he wants to stay in the relationship he definitely should have to work for it, either through going to counseling or gaining back your trust some other way.
Personally I would have my doubts about his character as well, if he sought "revenge" in that manner. It doesn't justify anything, nor does it speak well about his character no matter what the woman did to him, but this is just my personal opinion. But then again all people have low points...
I guess ultimately you have to decide if this is a good relationship you are in that is worth saving and if he is to be trusted now.
And I agree, guys can be such idiots.

[Lacey Ra]

I think some time apart actually would be best. Go your separate ways for a while, spend time focused on you, regroup yourself ya know. Its so easy to make irrational decisions in the heat of things but once you get fresh air you can make alot better decisions. So probably go stay by a friends for the weekend or more, get your nails done, your hair, shop or do whatever hobbies you like to do and just focus on yourself for just one minute. After you've had time to think, do what is best for you.

[TibetanPrincess]

Wow! Even your dreams told you what he couldn't! I am sorry to hear this. I have been in a relationship with similar shinanagins. In the end, I just didn't see him the same way and I ended up cheating on him. Once he did these things,it was over for me. Its funny, cause I am really not the cheating type but his lack of respect led me to not care about him anymore.

He would do the same thing, lie, lie lie and then come back and tell the truth and he swore he loved me. That may have been true but its just not enough. Ask yourself this, would you do this to him? And if so, be honest if he asked you about it? Its possible he has had a sudden realization of what a relationship should be and he is sorry but,

please remember, its a choice they make and habits like this never change.

Btw, we were married and I divorced his ass and have absolutely no regrets. He was the best sex I ever had but the connection was lost.

[JTX]

I am sorry to hear about his pre-marital infidelity and the pain it is putting you through.

It sounds like he is maturing enough to let you know more of his weaknesses, mistakes and shortcomings. Most men hate to let women know where they are vulnerable. We all need to grow up in most areas of our lives and realize that nobody ever arrives at perfection.

You need to set him down and let him know how bad this has shaken your trust in him and that it will take years to regain it, if ever. He has two strikes and #3, he is out. Being a product of a broken home, I, personally, do not like divorce.

One key about forgiving someone else is that it's for YOU, not them. You forgive others to get the monkey off your back not theirs. They won't go around fretting about whether or not you've forgiven them, it is you who will be stewing if you don't...

[kmgator]

I can't help but say I'm so sorry for the hell you're going through. I've dealt with similar on a very personal level although it was merely false accusations by people who wanted to get the spotlight off them and their true infidelity.

Unfortunately that's not the case for you and your husband. AbiDrew is right, counseling is the best option to start and while couples counseling is needed together I think having personal counseling for both of you would be beneficial to help work out where these issues sprout from and how to personally help your own issues.

On the other hand, JTX also has a point of the strikes to an extent. Yet this is very subjective to measure. You also need to try to examine your relationship and maybe talk to some friends or family and try to see if there's a concenus on if he has other flaws that are fatal that you may not see. Because while we girls (and guys) on the forum are great for a third person point of view, those that have been there through the years with you and the husband can also offer insight towards things you may not observe so closely.

Another thing you didn't mention is if you two have children together. Staying together for the sake of the kids isn't right but they can be a reason to try to work things out and rebuild. Also, as JTX said, a broken home is a horrible thing to let the kids be a product of. The divorce rate is so high these days and it's rough on kids, I've seen so many go through it while being fortunate enough to not have to.

In many ways love can overcome if you're both willing to work together to rebuild the remnants of your marriage.

Just take some time for you as previously suggested and breathe, relax and forget for a while. Have a girls day where it's about everything but relationships and such, go to the spa, lunch and then maybe bar hopping so long as you've got such good friends who won't let you make a fool out of yourself.

Just remember, this too shall pass, the result may be lasting but the initial irate emotions will. Stay rational and smile through the pain like nothing can bother you. Get those good endorphins going, it helps even if the world is crumbling around you.

[Luxy]

Really? It saddens me to see so many women being so considerate of others without asking for the same consideration in return. I would divorce him. He cheated on you, if he could do that once, he'll probably do it again, in one form or another. If he had ANY love or respect for you, he wouldn't have done that in the first place. Ever. Find yourself some who is worthy of your love.

Thats just my opinion. Whatever you choice to do I hope you can move on from this and lead a happy life.

[JTX]

Luxy, it's not that easy.

When you invest years into a relationship and have children (I believe I read she was pregnant), throwing it all away on an event that happened BEFORE the wedding is not the wisest of decisions. While I do know how everything unfolded, it appears that he loved her enough to bring the situation to light and not hide it anymore. As it seems that he has been faithful after they said their "I Do's," maybe all the guilt he has been carrying around for the last 6-7 years has been helpful in keeping him faithful.

Staying together for the children, as long as violence is not involved, is a very good thing.

My bad, I reread the original post and found it wasn't amberd88 who was pregnant, but the other girl. That being said, I believe my point is still valid.

[TibetanPrincess]

Luxy, it's not that easy.

When you invest years into a relationship and have children (I believe I read she was pregnant), throwing it all away on an event that happened BEFORE the wedding is not the wisest of decisions. While I do know how everything unfolded, it appears that he loved her enough to bring the situation to light and not hide it anymore. As it seems that he has been faithful after they said their "I Do's," maybe all the guilt he has been carrying around for the last 6-7 years has been helpful in keeping him faithful.

Staying together for the children, as long as violence is not involved, is a very good thing.

My bad, I reread the original post and found it wasn't amberd88 who was pregnant, but the other girl. That being said, I believe my point is still valid.

Or she could be really sorry for putting all that time in and trying to fix something that wasn't a true relationship in the first place, down the road.
So she could be damned either way she chooses. I think this is all great advice we are giving but only she will truly know what she is comfortable
doing about it.

I wish you her the best, this is a tough one.