[Mandy88]

Hello!
I want to share my Pueraria Mirifica story, I would like to get some feedback and know if any of You out there have experienced something similar. Maybe somebody will find this helpful in the future. I also just need to get this out since I'm plagued with loneliness and cant really share this with anyone in the real world.

I am a 'male' in my early twenties. I have been cross-dressing since I don't know how long. Throughout 2012 this 'hobby' of mine has accelerated to a great extent. So I came across this Pueraria Mirifica herb while browsing the Internet and reading on CD forums in the summer. I fell in love with the idea of feminizing my body and finally got around to order this mystical herb about a month ago. -So it wasn't really some impulsive act, anyway. I waited several months.

So I started taking it, jumped on a dose of 1000mg a day from the go. 500mg in the morning, 500mg in the night. And let me just say this to people who may be new to this and skeptical; IT WORKS!

My nipples went budding after only 1-2 weeks. At first I didn't really trust my eyes if they where really growing or not but they certainly were.

So it is now little more then 4 weeks since I first started on 1000mg of PM a day (maintained that amount the whole time). The last two weeks of PM have been a daze of crossdressing like every day. It seems PM has the effect on me, to increase my urge for dressing girly, several hundred percents! By the way my skin is definitely affected by the PM, smooth as I don't know what, harder nails also, shinier hair and just a whole different feel about the body as a whole.

It's amazing how well this herb actually works on me, it worked to an extent I would NEVER have imagined, a little too good. So the fourth week of PM I began to feel an emotional 'inner' change as well. My emotions went on high gear. I started thinking in more serious terms about becoming a girl and I could start crying just like that. I felt very miserable and emotionally hay wire, when I dressed it was the best thing ever and i really mean that. Then I started thinking about all the painful things that I would have to go through if I really want to become a girl full time. This is strange since I've never thought of myself as a trans-gender person. Only as a crossdresser. I could lay in my bed and cry rivers thinking about 'coming out' and such, how miserable my life is in general and ponder the question whether I am really a trans-gender person.

So this is now for me to find out. Almost exactly on the 1 month mark of PM usage I quit cold turkey in despair. My life just wasn't livable feeling like that. It really was that bad in the end. Now it's been 3 straight days of no PM and just today I feel much better.
Going from an enthusiastic cross dresser and girlyboy to seriously considering transitioning-related issues, coming out and being trans gender in 1 month time is just.. Well it's a little much for an emotional weakling like myself. I wasn't expecting this to become a 'real' personality crisis.

I know every 'male' who uses PM doesn't get affected this way. Maybe this was just not the right time for me to do this since I have a lot of stress in my life right now. I also had a flu and fever the last days of my usage. So now I definitely wont do PM again for a month since I'm on strong medication. Maybe I really am trans gender. I will think long and hard about this in the coming weeks.

Maybe I go on PM again in a month but only 500mg a day. Anyone know if that amount has any effect? I definitely feel my body is very susceptible to this herb.

So bottom line, PM does work, but I would recommend anyone thinking about trying it to be careful. Realizing you're possibly trans gender when you hadn't ever even considered it 'seriously' before might be tough on you if you dont have anyone to talk to.
Sorry if I screwed up any grammar, I'm not native in English. I would love to hear your thoughts about my experience and please ask if anything is unclear, I will answer! Btw, why I'm already thinking about starting using PM again in the future is that I really enjoyed the effects on my body and also my mind when it was in a good mood. However I don't like being suicidal twice every day, not worth it. I will try to come out as bisexual cross-dresser to one person in the meantime. Never again without somebody to talk to.
Love Mandy

[flamesabers]

Hello Mandy,

Welcome to the board.

I agree it is important to think carefully about what it is you really want before taking pm or any other feminizing herb. If you don't mind me asking, what was your original motive for taking pm? Did you just want to have your own pair of breasts and otherwise be a male who crossdresses? Or did you feel taking pm would help change your body to be in closer alignment to your gender identity?

1,000 mg of pm sounds more like a maintenance dose to me. I find it uncommon for someone to have such a rapid and drastic physical and mental response to it. I would be doubtful of any noticeable changes occurring from taking only 500 mg.

I'm also a crossdresser but pm has had the opposite effect on my crossdressing. Since starting on pm, I no longer find crossdressing to be erotic nor do I have sudden impulse to crossdress like I used to. I know some other members on the board have also reported having a decrease interest in crossdressing while taking pm. I still crossdress, it's just no longer a thrill for me.

I would say I have had some mental changes from taking pm, but nothing like the emotional roller coaster and desire to transition as you've experienced.

The experience of starting on pm as a crossdresser but then wanting to transition after taking pm for a while has been a point of discussion on these boards. I think it's a rather controversial topic about whether pm merely awakens the desire to transition in individuals like yourself, or whether the pm actually creates a need to transition.

Are you still thinking about transitioning now that you're no longer taking pm? What I wonder is do you really want to feminize your body, or are instead just thrilled/fascinated/excited about the idea of feminizing your body? There's a big difference between the two I think.

Before going back on pm, I think some questions to ask yourself are:

*Do you want to have children?
*Do you care about having a sex drive and maintaining functionality?
*How do you feel about not being able to go shirtless in public without attracting unwanted attention?
*If you decide to pursue a relationship with a female, have you thought about how she might respond to your decision to feminize your body?
*If you want to have breasts, are you willing to commit a few years or more to taking feminizing herbs?
*Is it possible sometime later in your life you might regret or be embarrassed by the irreversible feminization you have undergone?

[Mandy88]

Hello Mandy,

Welcome to the board.

I agree it is important to think carefully about what it is you really want before taking pm or any other feminizing herb. If you don't mind me asking, what was your original motive for taking pm? Did you just want to have your own pair of breasts and otherwise be a male who crossdresses? Or did you feel taking pm would help change your body to be in closer alignment to your gender identity?

Thank you!
It's very hard to say. I am someone who tend to push things away and not be very in touch with my *real* feelings anyway. I know this from experiences I have had. So my real motives are kind of obscure to myself, which I find to be a pain in the rear end Hm, I would say that my original motive was to feminize my body because I just wanted to, since I never 'really' thought about my gender identity before it's hard to say. It surely wasn't for that explicit purpose but could have been unconsciously so. It's definitely not just the boob thing though, I would be happy with a pair of very small boobs. I did want to feminize my body in general. I guess you could say my original motive was to feminize myself for crossdressing purposes, I think. Or at least that is how I rationalized it in my mind...

1,000 mg of pm sounds more like a maintenance dose to me. I find it uncommon for someone to have such a rapid and drastic physical and mental response to it. I would be doubtful of any noticeable changes occurring from taking only 500 mg.

Hm... Do you think it can have anything to do with having low testosterone? I can say that i do not think I have a lot of testosterone in my body normally. I hardly have any muscles, and it's very difficult for me to gain muscle mass (had a year at the gym some years ago). Also poor beard growth. However I don't know if these are really signs of low testosterone production. Anyway I don't think I dare to go on 1000mg a day after this, so will probably go 500mg for a while in that case and see how I respond mentally.

I'm also a crossdresser but pm has had the opposite effect on my crossdressing. Since starting on pm, I no longer find crossdressing to be erotic nor do I have sudden impulse to crossdress like I used to. I know some other members on the board have also reported having a decrease interest in crossdressing while taking pm. I still crossdress, it's just no longer a thrill for me.

Yes I have read that here too. I feel today already a decreased urge do dress. It's still there though. I even feel my style of walking is more manly today haha.. Do you dress purely for erotic reasons? If you dont mind me asking.

I would say I have had some mental changes from taking pm, but nothing like the emotional roller coaster and desire to transition as you've experienced.

The experience of starting on pm as a crossdresser but then wanting to transition after taking pm for a while has been a point of discussion on these boards. I think it's a rather controversial topic about whether pm merely awakens the desire to transition in individuals like yourself, or whether the pm actually creates a need to transition.

Are you still thinking about transitioning now that you're no longer taking pm? What I wonder is do you really want to feminize your body, or are instead just thrilled/fascinated/excited about the idea of feminizing your body? There's a big difference between the two I think.

I'm sorry but I really cant tell. I don't know this myself. I think about transition in a general kind of way, and I'm as far from certain as one can be... It's not that I suddenly got en urge to transition on PM, rather a very real feeling that I could be a girl inside, then came the thoughts of transition, coming out, usually followed by tears.
I can tell you that I do feel more comfortable, even out in public, being somewhat 'girlish' rather then manly. I have always had trouble presenting myself in a manly manner to people I meet. Never really nailed it. Always felt like bad acting. But of course there are gentle more feminine guys who are not trans... That's how I viewed myself before this experience. Now I don't know anything anymore.

Before going back on pm, I think some questions to ask yourself are:

*Do you want to have children?
*Do you care about having a sex drive and maintaining functionality?
*How do you feel about not being able to go shirtless in public without attracting unwanted attention?
*If you decide to pursue a relationship with a female, have you thought about how she might respond to your decision to feminize your body?
*If you want to have breasts, are you willing to commit a few years or more to taking feminizing herbs?
*Is it possible sometime later in your life you might regret or be embarrassed by the irreversible feminization you have undergone?

These are good personal questions I will have to think about. Thank you SO much for answering! I want to ask you, as a fellow crossdresser, do you ever wear girl clothes, like, just like that. Walk around home in a semi-dressed manner? Or do you crossdress in a more 'occasion based' manner and then go back to strictly male clothing? Hope you understand what I mean.

Mandy

Oh, and on the sex drive and functionality thing. I definitely worried about it a while but in the same time it didn't really bother me not to have a sex drive or be able to masturbate ( yes willie was affacted. Will try to resuscitate later). I got aroused but not hard, and it was a different kind of arousal..hm.

[flamesabers]

I would say that my original motive was to feminize my body because I just wanted to, since I never 'really' thought about my gender identity before it's hard to say. It surely wasn't for that explicit purpose but could have been unconsciously so.

If you're able to get a better idea on your gender identity it might become clearer as to why you want to feminize your body.

Do you think it can have anything to do with having low testosterone?

It might. It's hard to say for sure.

Do you dress purely for erotic reasons? If you dont mind me asking.

No, I dress more for practicality and comfort.

I can tell you that I do feel more comfortable, even out in public, being somewhat 'girlish' rather then manly. I have always had trouble presenting myself in a manly manner to people I meet. Never really nailed it. Always felt like bad acting. But of course there are gentle more feminine guys who are not trans... That's how I viewed myself before this experience. Now I don't know anything anymore.

Like I said earlier, getting a better handle of your gender identity might help clear up the confusion. I think something to consider is whether feminizing your body makes you feel at peace or more like yourself, or does it make you feel more girly?

I want to ask you, as a fellow crossdresser, do you ever wear girl clothes, like, just like that. Walk around home in a semi-dressed manner? Or do you crossdress in a more 'occasion based' manner and then go back to strictly male clothing?

I don't dress really feminine if that's what you're asking. I've worn high heels to a charity event but otherwise I don't wear anything that screams feminine as everyday wear. Wearing panties and female jeans have become a regular thing for me. I do wear feminine nightwear when I sleep because I find that comfortable. I haven't had any urges to purge all of my female clothing if that's what you're wondering. In other words, when it comes to what I wear I don't go back and forth between wearing exclusively female or male clothing.

I think something else to consider is whether crossdressing more of a hobby for you or an everyday thing?

[aoz]

I don't think mirifica "turned" you from CD to TG. I think a lot of trans folks start out with what they perceive as crossdressing, when really it's just a first step. I was what I considered to be a crossdresser, but really I always had transgender thoughts, but it never occurred to me that I could do anything about them. Then the more I crossdressed the more I wanted to, so I started to crossdress 24/7. Then one day a friend asked me why I didn't transition, and it clicked. I never considered it an option because it was so expensive, but once I really thought rationally about it I realized there is nothing better that money can buy.

So I started researching and realized I could manage hormone replacement on my own, and feminize my body with exercise, massage and plant medicine.

so I think you were probably always TG and just never completely realized it, just indulging the urges with crossdressing until you started wanting more and more. Now pandora's box has been opened, and you will probably find that there is no turning back

[spanky (aka Lola)]

Before going back on pm, I think some questions to ask yourself are:

*Do you want to have children?
*Do you care about having a sex drive and maintaining functionality?
*How do you feel about not being able to go shirtless in public without attracting unwanted attention?
*If you decide to pursue a relationship with a female, have you thought about how she might respond to your decision to feminize your body?
*If you want to have breasts, are you willing to commit a few years or more to taking feminizing herbs?
*Is it possible sometime later in your life you might regret or be embarrassed by the irreversible feminization you have undergone?

Thank you, flamesabers. This helps to simplify and clarify quite a bit for me, at a minimum bringing it down to a manageable set of practical questions to take into account. Virtually every one of these questions requires thought.

I probably am the type you mentioned to Mandy as a cross-dressing male who wants a pair of breasts rather than one who is seeking to align with a female gender identity. If I could hover somewhere in the middle ground, that would probably be my happiest outcome. It may not be possible, of course. Maybe I should back off the whole herb thing for a while and try to clarify my thinking. The thought of reaching a point of irreversibilty is daunting for me.

The exchange between you and Mandy is illuminating.

[Mandy88]

If you're able to get a better idea on your gender identity it might become clearer as to why you want to feminize your body.

Yes I understand this. I'm trying to work on it, and this is part of that.

No, I dress more for practicality and comfort.

Me too, or maybe it's not that practical really but sure is comfortable

Like I said earlier, getting a better handle of your gender identity might help clear up the confusion. I think something to consider is whether feminizing your body makes you feel at peace or more like yourself, or does it make you feel more girly?

Maybe both. This scares me sh*tless though. And it makes me feel lonely. Although I don't know these feelings and how genuine they are quite yet which adds to the confusion. I do however want a more feminine body even if I was to live the rest of my life as male, today I'm already dreading my body loosing it's gained smoothness. But I will probably let that happen and see if it is as bad as i imagine it to be.

I don't dress really feminine if that's what you're asking. I've worn high heels to a charity event but otherwise I don't wear anything that screams feminine as everyday wear. Wearing panties and female jeans have become a regular thing for me. I do wear feminine nightwear when I sleep because I find that comfortable. I haven't had any urges to purge all of my female clothing if that's what you're wondering. In other words, when it comes to what I wear I don't go back and forth between wearing exclusively female or male clothing.

Ok. Sounds to some extent like me. I have a really hard time finding male clothes that fit me good, always have because of my proportions (tall and slim). I like tight clothes. When I was younger I always purged my items eventually. I haven't purged now since when I started dressing more seriously (this spring). And I have no intentions of doing so in the future.

I think something else to consider is whether crossdressing more of a hobby for you or an everyday thing?

When I was young it was far between the occasions. When I was home alone or so, which wasn't often. This spring I started buying some clothes and crossdress like once a week, the first couple of times it was such a boost. I felt euphoria during and after the session. It felt good to let something out that I hadn't let out in a while. Afterwards I'd go back to normal boy mode and just feel a little better then usual inside. Then during the summer and fall my crossdressing has evolved to an everyday thing. Not outside of course but in my home where I live alone. Just one female item on the body on a normal evening at home makes a difference.

I guess what I'm trying to get through about this is that my crossdressing lately has become a much bigger part of my life then it was before. I remember one day this summer maybe it was in June or so. I had for some reason went to the grocery-store with female clothes under boy clothes. And I remember thinking about this that same evening in a not-so-sober mode and got a little sting of discomfort and unease in my belly, thinking "what ARE you doing?". I had that feeling return 3-5 times those days then stopped. I have been outside with some girl items after that.

It's most definitely more than a hobby that's what scares me. I cant seem to get enough. Yesterday I got an urge to crossdress (complete outfit) and it felt good. One thing I want to add is that when I have been out much during the day, in public, presenting myself as male, such days I do feel a bigger urge to dress when I get home.
Thank you for taking the time!
Mandy

[Mandy88]

I don't think mirifica "turned" you from CD to TG. I think a lot of trans folks start out with what they perceive as crossdressing, when really it's just a first step. I was what I considered to be a crossdresser, but really I always had transgender thoughts, but it never occurred to me that I could do anything about them. Then the more I crossdressed the more I wanted to, so I started to crossdress 24/7. Then one day a friend asked me why I didn't transition, and it clicked. I never considered it an option because it was so expensive, but once I really thought rationally about it I realized there is nothing better that money can buy.

So I started researching and realized I could manage hormone replacement on my own, and feminize my body with exercise, massage and plant medicine.

so I think you were probably always TG and just never completely realized it, just indulging the urges with crossdressing until you started wanting more and more. Now pandora's box has been opened, and you will probably find that there is no turning back

I do not know if that's true or not for me. I do feel some sort of box has been opened, or is it a can of worms?
The thing that makes me doubt that I'm TG is that I have never, never felt I knew. I read a lot of TG people saying they always knew this, well good for you, I wish I knew too.
I have never considered this in a serious manner at all. That started with the PM experience, and at first I was like "get out, don't be ridiculous"..
I'm happy for you! So you didn't know at all at some point then?

Mandy

[AbiDrew85]

The thing that makes me doubt that I'm TG is that I have never, never felt I knew. I read a lot of TG people saying they always knew this, well good for you, I wish I knew too.
I have never considered this in a serious manner at all. That started with the PM experience, and at first I was like "get out, don't be ridiculous"..
I'm happy for you! So you didn't know at all at some point then?

Mandy

I think there are just as many who hid it so well from themselves that they "didn't know" as there are those who couldn't and always knew.

I first found out when I was reading the family medical encyclopedia at like 8 years old or younger or so. Before that I have no memory even now, but I'm pretty sure I'd always thought of myself in "female" terms.

I then crushed it and quelled it and sealed it deep in my subconscious, built a fortress around it, and dug a moat around my fortress. Over time, I forgot all about it, and all I knew was being lonely, depressed, and angry and just not understanding my "role" in life no matter how hard I tried.

Eventually I had a depression so severe that it almost took my life silently. I was practically comatose. When I woke up from that, I decided enough was enough and started using a mild opiate to go on a soul search and solve the problem once and for all... Yeah... And here I am now.

[Mandy88]

@AbiDrew85
Interesting story. I hope you feel better now. I too have been depressed, to varying degrees at least 5 years haha. I have used various drugs also, settled for weed. Funny thing is PM took away my urge for using cannabis almost totally. I also know myself to use drugs for escapist reasons. May I ask if you are using the opiate still?
Mandy