@AbiDrew85
Interesting story. I hope you feel better now. I too have been depressed, to varying degrees at least 5 years haha. I have used various drugs also, settled for weed. Funny thing is PM took away my urge for using cannabis almost totally. I also know myself to use drugs for escapist reasons. May I ask if you are using the opiate still?
Mandy

Better yes. Where I'd like to be? Far from, unfortunately.

No, I am no longer using any mind altering drugs at all. Unless you want to count hormones, which are mind altering

For some a little feminization is enough, it meets their mental and emotional needs. For others, it seems to serve as a confirmation that this is a good direction to move in. Likewise the physiological changes that come with something like PM can add to the push, or satisfy the urge. In my case, it satisfies my urges for the most part. It makes me feel good, has caused changes which I feel good about, and hasn't changed how I feel about the people I care about and doesn't seem to have changed how they feel about me. So I am comfortable that this has been a win for me. I don't feel any need to go further. I do find my moods to be subtly changed by PM, even on 500mg/day. For the better on the whole. I can also say that my body also responds to the lower doses. 500mg/day is fine for me as a maintenance level. I increased my dose to 2000mg/day a little while back after quite a few months of no real changes. Within less than 2 months, I had finally moved to Tanner stage 4, with very definite mounds on the existing breasts. In the last month or so, those mounds seem to have flattened a bit and generally filled out and rounded the area around and behind the nipple. The result? A much more rounded and feminine breast shape.

Before going back on pm, I think some questions to ask yourself are:

*Do you want to have children?
*Do you care about having a sex drive and maintaining functionality?
*How do you feel about not being able to go shirtless in public without attracting unwanted attention?
*If you decide to pursue a relationship with a female, have you thought about how she might respond to your decision to feminize your body?
*If you want to have breasts, are you willing to commit a few years or more to taking feminizing herbs?
*Is it possible sometime later in your life you might regret or be embarrassed by the irreversible feminization you have undergone?

Thank you, flamesabers. This helps to simplify and clarify quite a bit for me, at a minimum bringing it down to a manageable set of practical questions to take into account. Virtually every one of these questions requires thought.

You're welcome.

I probably am the type you mentioned to Mandy as a cross-dressing male who wants a pair of breasts rather than one who is seeking to align with a female gender identity. If I could hover somewhere in the middle ground, that would probably be my happiest outcome. It may not be possible, of course. Maybe I should back off the whole herb thing for a while and try to clarify my thinking. The thought of reaching a point of irreversibilty is daunting for me.

The exchange between you and Mandy is illuminating.

It sounds like putting the herbs off to the side is a good idea when you're feeling bothered or worried about reaching the point of irreversibility. Whatever your motives are for growing breasts, I think something important to consider is how do you feel about experiencing the other feminizing effects of NBE herbs. I hope you're able to reach a decision as to what you want to do in this regard.

It sounds like putting the herbs off to the side is a good idea when you're feeling bothered or worried about reaching the point of irreversibility. Whatever your motives are for growing breasts, I think something important to consider is how do you feel about experiencing the other feminizing effects of NBE herbs. I hope you're able to reach a decision as to what you want to do in this regard.

Thank you so much, flamesabers, you are very kind. This is all new terrain for me. I am normally quite decisive but am finding it difficult to resolve to simply stop taking the herbs. Perhaps it is a reflection of being somewhere between genders, a foot in each camp so to speak. My conscious mind tells me to follow your advice, and my impulses lead the other way. With respect to a decision so life-changing, no doubt I should be led by a true thought process.

I admire your courage, as well as that of others who have made a decision and a commitment.

I thought I'd write a little update. Great to see the thread seems to be alive and well

Anyway I feel much better now. I Haven't cried in a couple of days at least. SO I think it was the right thing to do, stepping of the PM. I feel my emotions aren't overwhelming me now, I can think a little clearer about my life and identity. Trying to come to terms...

Yesterday I took an online test called COGIATI. I know no test can tell me what is right for Me but I still find it somewhat helpful or at least thought provoking, since I'm so generally confused.
I was wondering if you knew any other gender tests online, maybe you can send me a link?

Also, I found my penis has come to life a little more these last days. Still takes some major effort though. I think my skin changes and breast changes remain still, nipples still highly sensitive. I hope it lasts for a while. It is now 6 days since I stopped PM

Love, Mandy

Yesterday I took an online test called COGIATI. I know no test can tell me what is right for Me but I still find it somewhat helpful or at least thought provoking, since I'm so generally confused.
I was wondering if you knew any other gender tests online, maybe you can send me a link?

If you search the board using the term 'COGIATI' you might be able to find more gender tests. Even if you don't find any test links, I think you'll discover a wealth of information about gender identity and such. Here's a link to a poll that might be of interest to you:

http://www.breastnexus.com/showthread.php?tid=12581

I think some other questions to consider is how easy or how difficult do you find it to relate to females in general? Another question is how would you feel if someone in a online setting mistakenly assumed you're a female?

Thanks for mentioning the COGIATI, Mandy. It was fun to go through it and see the results. Interestingly, the advice that accompanied my score was quite in line with flamesabers' suggestions.

If you search the board using the term 'COGIATI' you might be able to find more gender tests. Even if you don't find any test links, I think you'll discover a wealth of information about gender identity and such. Here's a link to a poll that might be of interest to you:

http://www.breastnexus.com/showthread.php?tid=12581

I think some other questions to consider is how easy or how difficult do you find it to relate to females in general? Another question is how would you feel if someone in a online setting mistakenly assumed you're a female?

Interesting poll... I have come across similar queries elsewhere. I have thought about it too. If I had the option I would like to try it out and see how it makes me feel, since I'm not sure.
The thing is, I don't think I'd like to lose my penis, hehe. I mean whether it is functional or not. Maybe that makes me more between genders than belonging to a singular one. Also, I want to be Me, and I am no genetic girl nor will I ever be. I also tend to think if I would really start the process of transitioning for real, then I would not be your normal girl. I would not want silicone boobs, nor would I like to look like some bimbo or over the top girly girl (not saying that applies to all females!!). Again, I'd like to be myself and no caricature of what a girl should be like (or a male for that matter!). It's complicated...

I have very few female friends. I'd love to acquire some I find women quite easy to deal with but honestly I don't think I can be that categorical. Everyone's different...
Now if I where to be mistaken for female in an online setting, it wouldn't bother me at all. Now that you mention it I did choose a female name on this forum that I think is pretty. If it was someone referring to Me in a personal way I would probably set them straight as to my physical gender, wouldn't want to be dishonest. At least for now.

Thanks for mentioning the COGIATI, Mandy. It was fun to go through it and see the results. Interestingly, the advice that accompanied my score was quite in line with flamesabers' suggestions.

Yea, I got the advice to keep investigating... Will do, will do. Hope you can come to some kind of insight, Spanky!

I thought this article had some very interesting and I believe very honest and open comments in it about how we perceive ourselves, and how others' perceptions and actions can make us feel.
http://en.rocketnews24.com/2012/11/03/16-things-i-learned-from-dressing-in-drag-confessions-of-a-one-night-crossdresser/

Mandy, this is not at all an unusual situation and while not exactly the same is somewhat similar to my own.

Hopefully my experience might give you some insight or perspective..

For a long time (about 6 years) I thought I was "just a crossdresser", even though I did it a lot of the time for autoerotic reasons, the dressing itself was never erotic in itself. As much as I tried to control my thoughts, I couldn't help but perceive myself as a female in my fantasies, not a man in a dress, but a female in every way.

Overtime I realised that I wanted to be a female in more than just that sexual role. I am naturally submissive and never been interested in masculine pursuits. I've always kept people at arms length, never comfortable, never developing real connections, always doubting my actions in any social circumstances. I've always been a loner and never felt genuine. The only times I feel "myself" was when I crossdressed and presented as female online, I wanted to emotionally connect with people and I wanted to people to accept me as female. It was more than just a simple desire, it became an irresistible urge and gender dysphoria.

I'm not one of those that "always knew" either, and this has distressed me greatly, I wish I had some kind of "sign" to validate my gender identity. I was very depressed and suffered extreme social anxiety throughout my teenage years, which all started right after puberty ironically. I was always bi sexual, I got really attached to some guys and was always envious of the attention and relationships that of females I knew (I ruined a few friendships this way). But through the lense of severe depression and paranoia induced by anxiety, it never really clicked.

Due to these problems and my crossdressing, I ruined 3 relationships with women and 1 of them long-term. Eventually I started to be honest about my crossdressing and gender issues, that turned out very bad and she was revolted, it ended shortly after that.

And here I am, my first step was to start taking PM and SP, I wasn't sure if I wanted to ever go full-time or come out to everyone, the further I get into my transition the more I want to go all the way. It feels like I'm holding back for everyone else and not for me. So long story short, several psychologist and psychiatrist appointments and now I'm about to start HRT.

Late onset transsexuals are not that uncommon, we are atleast a third, I'm not saying thats what you are, I'm just saying it's not essential to "know" from a young age. I've done COGIATI and others (most professionals think they are crap) and all said I was mostly trans, but the only real way to get a Gender Identity Assessment is to see a psychiatrist. So my advice is to consult with a professional, get a GID assessment and discuss your gender issues with a therapist.

And most of all, be honest with yourself and take your time!
I hope you find peace,
Good luck!