[Mandy88]

Thank you flamesabers I did feel better. I do feel better.

However Since I have come out about having gender issues to two people now, that supports me whatever happens, I have had a some brief mental relief. I have been reading a little about HRT that made me question yet again if full transition is what I want. My life situation does seem to have built up to this moment where I now stand, in a fairly good position to make a life changing decision for myself. I am trying not to rush it, to get it right.

I wonder what you guys think of this brain rewiring topic that has been discussed here. I think about it when I doubt. Is it even possible, given that this phenomena exists, to experience it after only 4 weeks of PM on a dose of 1000mg a day?

This week I have not been able to keep myself from crossdressing a single day. I am closing in on 2 weeks off of PM.

I would also like to touch on the subject of my sexual capability, whoever might be interested... I have had some concerns over my non existing erections while on PM, and my failure to ejaculate even after I stopped taking it. The main reason being impatience and lack of motivation to 'finish the task' at hand. Recently I have kind of felt like arousal alone is enough, i don't 'need' to finish. In the right circumstances I get very aroused, I feel happy and pretty, I get a strange tingling in my belly and after some time I am filled with endorphins to the extent that ejaculation doesn't really matter, I feel good anyway.
So today I managed to ejaculate for the first time in 2 weeks. It was nice to know I am sill 'working' down there but the experience in itself disappointed me, I had expected it to be better just considering the amount of time that had passed.
I feel that this whole ordeal has definitely changed my idea of sex and how I experience it. Could it be a purely physical effect of the PM or has it caused me to opened up doors in my psyche that where previously blocked by denial? Any comments on this?

[flamesabers]

Things that makes me doubt I am TG:
I have never identified myself as a 'girl', through and through.

What do you mean why you say you don't identify as a girl? Do you mean you don't think of yourself as being a girly girl? Or do you mean more along the lines that you don't relate to being a member of the female gender?

Do you consider yourself as being a feminine male, androgynous, a third gender or having no gender identity at all?

I have been reading a little about HRT that made me question yet again if full transition is what I want. 

I think it's best to take matters slowly, especially when you're uncertain. Even if you feel confident about HRT, there are additional matters I think you should also contemplate about first. Have you also considered the other possible challenges with transitioning like voice therapy, hair removal for your face/chest, etc., feminization surgery like a tracheal shave, making your transitioning public to your family, friends and workplace?

I wonder what you guys think of this brain rewiring topic that has been discussed here. I think about it when I doubt. Is it even possible, given that this phenomena exists, to experience it after only 4 weeks of PM on a dose of 1000mg a day?

Here's a thread on brain rewiring that I recommend reading.

http://www.breastnexus.com/showthread.php?tid=12473

I think being on pm for only 4 weeks is a little too early to get definite results. I think being on pm for six months or more would be a better timetable to see what brain rewiring, if any, you experience.

I feel that this whole ordeal has definitely changed my idea of sex and how I experience it. Could it be a purely physical effect of the PM or has it caused me to opened up doors in my psyche that where previously blocked by denial? Any comments on this?

I can relate to some of what you said in regards to sexual function. I think of my sex drive as being in like a hibernation mode. I suspect the actual hibernation mode is mostly a physical effect of pm. I think how one reacts to the decrease in sex drive might be influenced by the pm or possibly one's own mental attributes. I imagine the typical male would be worried if not freaked out about losing his sex drive and his ability to perform.

[AbiDrew85]

I don't know if I've already mentioned this or not... But I honestly think you should seek professional help Mandy. I would if I could, and will eventually have to do so anyways just to move on to the next steps.

Even if "the next steps" that make professional help essential for me are not necessary for you, you seem to be fighting a lot more uncertainty and doubt, perhaps fed by fears you don't even know you have. Having someone who's experienced in helping people with gender confusion, which is what you have at this point, I wouldn't yet quite say for sure that you have a real dysphoria, help talk you through things might help you tremendously.

Another option you might consider if you are as strapped financially as I am is to try a mild opiate such as chaste berry for a while (note, chaste berry will quite likely also render you temporarily sterile) and go on a deep soul search. Almost a "spirit journey" as the native's of the American continent would call it. In that soul search ask yourself. Your real core you. Just who you are.

I was using a dose of 800mg three times a day and up to as much as 1600 three times a day while I was on my journey... And the answer kinda shook my world quite a bit. But it was still very worth doing. I started the search asking why I was depressed all the time, the question eventually morphed to who am I, and the answer I got at the end... Well. Yeah. I'm here now.

[Mandy88]

What do you mean why you say you don't identify as a girl? Do you mean you don't think of yourself as being a girly girl? Or do you mean more along the lines that you don't relate to being a member of the female gender?

Do you consider yourself as being a feminine male, androgynous, a third gender or having no gender identity at all?

Failure of communication on my part. I don't identify myself as 'a girl' meaning 'some girl', I identify as Me, and Me seems to be not really a girl nor a boy. I do identify myself most with 'third gender'. I would like to have a female face and body but, as I said earlier, to keep my penis. I really don't want to put a label on myself but third gender feels closest to the truth. I do want to live as a woman but it would not be as the 'typical woman'-stereotype that I see when I think in those terms. I am not a girly girl and I understand that all women aren't either! Since I wrote that I have been thinking less in terms of 'girl' or 'boy' and more of 'Me', cuz I do NOT want to be anything other then ME and I care less about being girl or boy, we are all unique anyway :p

I think it's best to take matters slowly, especially when you're uncertain. Even if you feel confident about HRT, there are additional matters I think you should also contemplate about first. Have you also considered the other possible challenges with transitioning like voice therapy, hair removal for your face/chest, etc., feminization surgery like a tracheal shave, making your transitioning public to your family, friends and workplace?

I hadn't heard of tracheal shave! I don't think I'm interested in that, I am quite happy about my neck the way it is, maybe I'll change my mind sometime... Beard growth I would like to get rid of for sure. Otherwise I have poor hair growth on my body, a few straws near my nipples that I easily shave. I am also unemployed... What I tried to say earlier is that it does feel like a good time for change in my life right now, maybe that is why it came up now?
I am not confident in HRT, I am interested in the results but the side effects scare me a little. I have come out to a couple of people one being a family member and I am confident the rest of my family would approve, although I will wait a bit with them. It's a liberal family, lucky me! HRT is something I am not really thinking about now I just read a lot the other night. I am trying to take small steps so the HRT question I think I will leave on ice for now. My goal is to get to know my real self better and experiment further with PM, and see a professional.

Regarding my sex drive, I still have it but in a different way then as 'male'. I fantasize about being treated as a girl and get very aroused yet ejaculation is not needed I get more of a 'general happiness' and 'mind relief' rather than the physical thing.

Thank you for answering! /Mandy

[Mandy88]

I don't know if I've already mentioned this or not... But I honestly think you should seek professional help Mandy. I would if I could, and will eventually have to do so anyways just to move on to the next steps.

Even if "the next steps" that make professional help essential for me are not necessary for you, you seem to be fighting a lot more uncertainty and doubt, perhaps fed by fears you don't even know you have. Having someone who's experienced in helping people with gender confusion, which is what you have at this point, I wouldn't yet quite say for sure that you have a real dysphoria, help talk you through things might help you tremendously.

Thank you. I think so too, I am even looking forward to it! I will try to get some kind if first appointment this week.

Another option you might consider if you are as strapped financially as I am is to try a mild opiate such as chaste berry for a while (note, chaste berry will quite likely also render you temporarily sterile) and go on a deep soul search. Almost a "spirit journey" as the native's of the American continent would call it. In that soul search ask yourself. Your real core you. Just who you are.

I was using a dose of 800mg three times a day and up to as much as 1600 three times a day while I was on my journey... And the answer kinda shook my world quite a bit. But it was still very worth doing. I started the search asking why I was depressed all the time, the question eventually morphed to who am I, and the answer I got at the end... Well. Yeah. I'm here now.

Hey whatever floats your boat, I understand. I feel happy for you having reached a higher understanding. I however do not care for opiates at all, I like psychedelics, since I think they speak to me personally in the most honest way. I had an experience I wrote about in the previous page of this thread I think. It left me feeling very good about myself and it was the first time i have ever flipped a bad trip using only my mind. Acceptance seems to be the key for me. I will experiment further.
/Mandy

[Elisaustin]

My own feelings on PM.
I have cross dressed more or less since young.
I started in moms old nylons she threw away. As I got older and puberty
kicked in those urges subsided till my early 20s.
They suddenly came roaring back. My desire to dress to feel fem became
and everyday thing. It was not exactly a sexual thing, It was more like discovering the hidden girl inside and trying to make her happy.
The thrill of buying your first pair of heels and running home to try them on.
Wearing nylons,panties,and bra under your clothes to work to keep that inner girl with you through the day. Running home after work to put on a dress and heels. Most of us that dress have went through all this.
I while not totally understanding it completely enjoyed all of it.
I discovered PM on the net and frankly did not believe the claims. The idea of having real breasts made the inner girl do cartwheels.
I started the PM and with in a month I started to get a little sore and felt
buds starting. I freaked out and quit for a month but was not very happy
with myself. I started back up and its going on 5 months.
My breasts are still growing and a little tender and large enough you know
they are there.
I too have noticed the urge to dress has went way down.
I think it has to with the fact that with breasts I feel like a female all the time and no longer need to dress to make me feel fem as much.
I do also believe PM tends to effect you on a mental level.
I am more sensitive and caring and the inner girl is always happy.
My plan is to get to a C cup and then drop to a smaller dose but stay on the PM.
I am for the time being very happy just being a half of a girl.

Huggs
Elisa

[sfem]

Welcome Elisaustin! Your story is very familiar. Best wishes with your efforts going forward!

[robin_beales]

Hello!
I want to share my Pueraria Mirifica story, I would like to get some feedback and know if any of You out there have experienced something similar. Maybe somebody will find this helpful in the future. I also just need to get this out since I'm plagued with loneliness and cant really share this with anyone in the real world.......

Hi Mandy, sorry for the late response AND to not reading each and every threaded-response to your note. I just have a bit to say about my own experiences and hope they help you a bit.
Firstly, you are very correct in that PM is a remarkably powerful herb that surpasses expectations for a few of us -- for me the results were and are beyond expectations.
Next, I want to say that you should just be calm and relax about your new-found feelings and realizations: while they may be new to you, and perhaps scary to contemplate, allow them to occur and allow yourself the time and space to absorb what those thoughts and feelings may be. I recall when I was in my early teens, and then even into my twenties, the SHOCK of knowing I felt different and then the NEED to do something about it was horrifying. The fears I felt in coming out, dealing with family and friends, and knowing I was different --- all of it was scary. I recall feeling angry at God and life and everyone that (1) I wasn't "normal" and (2) if not, then whay couldn't I have been born a woman.
I realized with time that I was who I was for a reason, and I stopped making excuses and began to embrace me for me --- a feminine creature who adores so much of what and who I know am --- but who, in my youth, couldn't grasp it all at once --- it took years for me to absorb what it really meant to "be me." So, my dear -- next advice? -- be patient and calm, and allow these new feelings breathing space and time to mellow and mature.
I can't emphasize this enough: Do NOT feel wrong for feeling this way --- the "wrongest" thing you could do is NOT ALLOW yourself to FEEL. So feel, and grow, and understand yourself.

Now, the PM will indeed change your body (and if added w SP and Maca even more so), and the PM will indeed change your thought patterns. For me, even only one-month into it, I felt calmer, way way WAYYY calmer. I felt more like ME ......and I loved the feeling. Yes, I was more emotional BUT it allowed the real me to be -- and the real me was feminine and emotional and feeling and caring.
I found I loved snuggling with my boyfriend more than ever. I just wanted to be held and cuddled and touched. Our relationship improved, and it was based on greater intimacy rather than just "crazy-monkey-sex" all the time! (LOL)

As for the skin, yes ....my skin went as soft as soft can be!! I loved it, and still do. My hair was fuller and all over i just felt more youthful. And the main reason for PM, of course, was and is breast growth. I am really REALLY happy with both breast growth (I do NOT want massive hooters, I love mine the way they are --- very feminine and slightly more than the proverbial "mouthful" and with overall feminizing (smoother skin, fuller lips, rounder in spots, etc)

Anyway, do NOT feel despair, rather --- FEEL. It is ok to feel.

Lastly, please write me if you choose to directly -- I will be more than happy to assist and become a pen-pal on your journey of discovery.

be at peace --- please --- and seek the guidance as you have of the many experts here and elsewhere who care.

Ciao.

[Mandy88]

First of all thank you Elisa and Robin for your answers

I thought I would give a little update on where I am now if anyone is still interested!

So, I am back on PM again since a couple of days. I was off for 20-something days. I don't think I will freak out like before this time, or certainly I hope not. But I do feel much better. I have started to accept myself as I am, wherever that takes me.
I also have somewhat of a makeshift civilian support structure that I have gotten myself here in the meantime, consisting of one parent (soon to be two I hope), a sibling and a couple of friends. No bad reactions so far.

Back to PM. I am now on a dose of 500mg a day, so half my previous dosage just to be safe. I think it's been only 3 days of this. 250mg in the morning, 250mg in the night. I don't know for sure if I am imagining but it is almost like I can feel it in my system already, and it's all good so far.

Considering the gender related stuff I am more reluctant to jump to conclusions. I am not putting my self in any of the existing camps for now, maybe just 'in-between', queer for sure. I have felt good being honest about this to people and I really do think I have made some personal progress. This whole thing does not seem to affect me as violently as some weeks ago. An appointment with a psychiatrist is coming up, even if it really doesn't feel very urgent anymore. Right now I am just soaking in the experience of having explained my issues to a lot of people in a short amount of time, maybe it makes me a little emotionally drained. Overall I feel excited about getting to know myself in an honest way, honest to myself that is of course. I am experimenting with how I act and my manners, to see where I am most comfortable. And it's fun! However I am not going back to old me or that life I lived where I wasn't happy, that is for sure.

I will keep you updated on how I feel and what the effects are of my routine of 500mg PM a day. I am planning on keeping that amount for maybe a month in order to see what it does for me. As I am writing this I do feel an increased soreness in my nipples, maybe it's placebo

[Mandy88]

This is a little weird. As I said I was off for 20 days. Now on PM again 500mg a day for 5-6 days as I am writing. My nails are harder again, I feel it because they almost cut into my hands when I close my fists, my nipples are again super sore. This I noticed already today. This can't be normal after being 'clean' for 20 days that I feel it so quick again??
I wonder if anyone has experienced some of the following things as possible side effects of PM? A feeling of weakness in the muscles like in the arms, lack of strength. Stiffness in the body, joints making noise. Stiffness in jaw and neck specifically. Or wheezy voice, something with the throat?