In my first post, I said I would write an introduction at a later time. Now is that time.
I am a late 50s self-diagnosed transsexual, MTF. My earliest childhood memory (early age 5) was the very disheartening realization that I was not and couldn't be a girl. I remember the feeling distinctly even now.
Ignorance and fear of rejection should I disclose my deep longings motivated me to make the choice of keeping this "me" deeply repressed. Not really understanding what I was dealing with, I married young, raised a family of four, and now am a grandfather of ten. A month ago my wife divorced me (38yrs of marriage) claiming that the very idea that I was in doubt of my gender so repulsed her that she could no longer live with me.
In all of those years I fought hard to keep this part of me under the radar. I kept it repressed "admirably". Until the last 5 years my wife didn't really understand how deeply this ate away at me on the inside. However now she claims she understands why through the years at times throughout our marriage I could be so moody, withdrawn, sad, dark etc. I rarely rarely crossed dressed.
I am also a Christian from a very deeply fundamental for all practical purposed cultic background, where admitting to something like this was tantamount to being apostate.
Living alone as I do now should give me plenty of time to explore my feminine side, but I don't; fearful that should I start down that "slippery slope" I would transition. For the sake of my family (kids and grand kids) and others in my church, I have decided not to go there, though remove those restraints and I would transition in a moment's time. I have talked to numerous fully transitioned MTF women, one being a medical doctor who works with those transitioning. I have been told there is no doubt in their minds that I am female brained. Honestly, I have to agree.
I am not sure how I came to find this site, but I am here and have been reading myriads of excellent material and insight. So much I would like to ask about but this post would then become book.
May I start with this which was generated out of a thread I read where a number of members wrote that once they started on PM that their trans feelings all but ceased. I would glaldly take the side effects of a feminized body to be free of the inner turmoil. Another thread I read urged careful consideration about motives for starting NBE since breast will happen.
OK my question, is starting NBE as a means of quieting a life long inner turmoil of longings to be female a viable reason for starting a program? And I don't quite understand how it works since at this moment having breasts and a feminized body has tremendous appeal, but if what I do understand is correct that appeal might be gone once the NBE did it's hormone balancing in my brain. Can NBE be an actual answer for one who deeply desires to keep so many I love from the "collateral damage" of my full transition and yet provide some respite from the life long inner struggle?
If yes, can this be achieved with a RC/FG/SP regimen rather than a PM program?
Thank you for any insight and help it will provide.
I am a late 50s self-diagnosed transsexual, MTF. My earliest childhood memory (early age 5) was the very disheartening realization that I was not and couldn't be a girl. I remember the feeling distinctly even now.
Ignorance and fear of rejection should I disclose my deep longings motivated me to make the choice of keeping this "me" deeply repressed. Not really understanding what I was dealing with, I married young, raised a family of four, and now am a grandfather of ten. A month ago my wife divorced me (38yrs of marriage) claiming that the very idea that I was in doubt of my gender so repulsed her that she could no longer live with me.
In all of those years I fought hard to keep this part of me under the radar. I kept it repressed "admirably". Until the last 5 years my wife didn't really understand how deeply this ate away at me on the inside. However now she claims she understands why through the years at times throughout our marriage I could be so moody, withdrawn, sad, dark etc. I rarely rarely crossed dressed.
I am also a Christian from a very deeply fundamental for all practical purposed cultic background, where admitting to something like this was tantamount to being apostate.
Living alone as I do now should give me plenty of time to explore my feminine side, but I don't; fearful that should I start down that "slippery slope" I would transition. For the sake of my family (kids and grand kids) and others in my church, I have decided not to go there, though remove those restraints and I would transition in a moment's time. I have talked to numerous fully transitioned MTF women, one being a medical doctor who works with those transitioning. I have been told there is no doubt in their minds that I am female brained. Honestly, I have to agree.
I am not sure how I came to find this site, but I am here and have been reading myriads of excellent material and insight. So much I would like to ask about but this post would then become book.
May I start with this which was generated out of a thread I read where a number of members wrote that once they started on PM that their trans feelings all but ceased. I would glaldly take the side effects of a feminized body to be free of the inner turmoil. Another thread I read urged careful consideration about motives for starting NBE since breast will happen.
OK my question, is starting NBE as a means of quieting a life long inner turmoil of longings to be female a viable reason for starting a program? And I don't quite understand how it works since at this moment having breasts and a feminized body has tremendous appeal, but if what I do understand is correct that appeal might be gone once the NBE did it's hormone balancing in my brain. Can NBE be an actual answer for one who deeply desires to keep so many I love from the "collateral damage" of my full transition and yet provide some respite from the life long inner struggle?
If yes, can this be achieved with a RC/FG/SP regimen rather than a PM program?
Thank you for any insight and help it will provide.
(10-03-2013, 07:51 AM)Charrie Wrote: If yes, can this be achieved with a RC/FG/SP regimen rather than a PM program?
Thank you for any insight and help it will provide.
Hi Charrie. There is a ton of shared experiences on this site and I applaud you for taking advantage of it. I am too new to fully comment but I will say that I was on RC/FG/SP for eight months before starting PM. I did get some growth on RC/FG/SP but never got any "brain re-wiring". I am into my third week on PM and am now at 1500 mg per day. I have had no side effects nor any other sensations that I can detect.
I also took FG/RC/SP for a few months before starting PM. I experienced some growth, but no mental benefits. Once starting on PM, it made my gender identity disorder much more tolerable at first. After about a year though, I have come to the realization that tolerable isn't the adjective I would like to use to describe my life, and will likely transition at some point in the future.
There's really no telling how you'll feel until you try it, I can only share my own experiences with it. Others have been able to quiet their inner desires successfully, but most that have been able to have done so with the support of a significant other. There are always exceptions though.
Good luck!
There's really no telling how you'll feel until you try it, I can only share my own experiences with it. Others have been able to quiet their inner desires successfully, but most that have been able to have done so with the support of a significant other. There are always exceptions though.
Good luck!
This post was last modified: 10-03-2013, 12:29 PM by SarahSchilling.
No-one can predict whether NBE will quiet your inner desires or strengthen them over time. If part of your turmoil is religious, will finding soft, round, feminine breasts on your own chest cause you unresolvable moral anguish? My experience of people truly committed to their religion is that they aren't usually open to things not blessed by the organization that codifies their religion. Will that be a major source of unhappiness for you even if NBE does help with your GID? Your post suggests you aren't interested in this for sexual gratification, either the cross-dressing or the porn aspects, which I think is a key piece of what gets quieted down by NBE. I hear that you have suppressed your own beautiful inner self for the sake of those you have loved and still love. That is both admirable and very sad. I feel for you. Many of us do I think. I don't know you but I would be willing to bet that NBE can help your body to blossom into a wonderful form to match your inner qualities. I also suspect your feelings for your extended family will cause you to always be unhappy at causing them confusion about you once they start noticing your changes, even if they are mostly mental. It does sound like losing some of your church-based straightjacket wouldn't be a problem for you and that is good. But given your long involvement with it, you may be surprised to find how deep that programming has been installed in you.
At your age most men lose some of their macho ego and their bodies become less masculine. They get away with clothing and behaviour choices less socially tolerated among younger people. Dropping some religious dogma from your life is always good for your soul. Your younger family members such as grandchildren will be far less disturbed by these changes than you might think given changes to early education and exposure these days (I'm assuming you aren't in Texas or Arizona or one of those places where children are taught in the public schools that the Sumerians didn't exist because the world hadn't been created yet). Unless they are already being indoctrinated into a religion in which case they are already having their ability to decide things for themselves stripped away.
In the end you have about the same set of conflicts many of us here have. As you read past posts and going forward, you will find there are as many consequences as there are people here multiplied by the number of choices each has. I wish you the best of luck whichever way you go and I hope your other family members find the strength in themselves to accept you for who you are, not for who you look like.
Most people who talk about brain-rewiring here talk about it with respect to PM, not the other herbs. They also talk about it moving them towards a more feminine brain, or in a few cases soothing their distress perceived to come from feeling feminine but not looking it. So it's very hard to say if NBE will quiet your inner desires or strengthen them over time. I look forward to hearing your story unfold.
At your age most men lose some of their macho ego and their bodies become less masculine. They get away with clothing and behaviour choices less socially tolerated among younger people. Dropping some religious dogma from your life is always good for your soul. Your younger family members such as grandchildren will be far less disturbed by these changes than you might think given changes to early education and exposure these days (I'm assuming you aren't in Texas or Arizona or one of those places where children are taught in the public schools that the Sumerians didn't exist because the world hadn't been created yet). Unless they are already being indoctrinated into a religion in which case they are already having their ability to decide things for themselves stripped away.
In the end you have about the same set of conflicts many of us here have. As you read past posts and going forward, you will find there are as many consequences as there are people here multiplied by the number of choices each has. I wish you the best of luck whichever way you go and I hope your other family members find the strength in themselves to accept you for who you are, not for who you look like.
Most people who talk about brain-rewiring here talk about it with respect to PM, not the other herbs. They also talk about it moving them towards a more feminine brain, or in a few cases soothing their distress perceived to come from feeling feminine but not looking it. So it's very hard to say if NBE will quiet your inner desires or strengthen them over time. I look forward to hearing your story unfold.
Hi Charrie,
I can relate to quite a bit of your experience. Luckily my wife is more understanding, but would be mortified if I were to transition (and so would I, without the hugely expensive facial surgery required to pass convincingly - I cringe to see an obvious man in dress and cosmetics - blechh!).
If you were young, not deeply religious, found men desirable, with plenty of money and no attachments, I would probably encourage you to go for transition. If you cannot tick all those boxes, then here is my Plan B with preamble:
My philosophy is that life is unfair, and then you die. Much as I regret it, I am an atheist, with no god to blame for my condition.
Like you, I have suffered from low-level depression most of my life due to my GD. That said, the only thing that would make me really satisfied is unachievable. Without pubertal suppression by drugs at age 10, say, followed by a lifetime of peer conditioning by girl friends, it is pretty near impossible, I would say, to really feel like a woman, at least for me. Even if I were to have surgery for my face, my shoulders, rib cage, hips, size of head ratios would all be wrong.
So, if I cannot look like a real woman, I may as well look like an ugly man. After all, many people without a gender problem are born with horrendous disfigurements, but manage to lead a life of sorts, and that's what I'm doing.
The important point is dealing with the GD depression, and I think that's where you will find PM helpful.
I am an atheist, but I wasn't always, and I'm pretty familiar with the bible. I don't think there are any passages there about breast growth on men. After all, gynecomastia can happen by accident. The important point is that it will be a side-effect of taking just about the only thing which makes life acceptable for the likes of you and me.
So, Plan B is that you order PM from Ainterolherbs.com (they work for me). You are unlikely to get much help below 3g/day, but you need to work up slowly.
Start at one 500mg every 3 hours for a maximum of 3 capsules for a week.
Don't take any after 8pm, because some people (I am one) get kidney pains if a dose sits in their bodies overnight.
After the first week increase the dose by one capsule a day for another week or two. You may have to double up on some doses (ie 1g instead of 500mg)
I think you will find that some time before you get to 3g/day, you will experience a moment of epiphany; somehow you will feel relaxed, calm, and able to think clearly.
I find that PM deals with my GD rather like Tylenol (or paracetamol in the UK) deals with my headaches: I still know it's there, but it's kind of muffled and doesn't take over my life.
You should find that you no longer have a desperate urge to present as a female, which is most of the problem. (There is a theory for this, which you can read about by searching for Dr Ann Vitale, either here or on her website... I've copied most of the links.)
Others may disagree with the dosage and recommend a slower ramp up. You have to trade this off against quicker relief. I think PM is pretty safe stuff, but I wouldn't quibble with safety.
Good Luck!
Bryony
I can relate to quite a bit of your experience. Luckily my wife is more understanding, but would be mortified if I were to transition (and so would I, without the hugely expensive facial surgery required to pass convincingly - I cringe to see an obvious man in dress and cosmetics - blechh!).
If you were young, not deeply religious, found men desirable, with plenty of money and no attachments, I would probably encourage you to go for transition. If you cannot tick all those boxes, then here is my Plan B with preamble:
My philosophy is that life is unfair, and then you die. Much as I regret it, I am an atheist, with no god to blame for my condition.
Like you, I have suffered from low-level depression most of my life due to my GD. That said, the only thing that would make me really satisfied is unachievable. Without pubertal suppression by drugs at age 10, say, followed by a lifetime of peer conditioning by girl friends, it is pretty near impossible, I would say, to really feel like a woman, at least for me. Even if I were to have surgery for my face, my shoulders, rib cage, hips, size of head ratios would all be wrong.
So, if I cannot look like a real woman, I may as well look like an ugly man. After all, many people without a gender problem are born with horrendous disfigurements, but manage to lead a life of sorts, and that's what I'm doing.
The important point is dealing with the GD depression, and I think that's where you will find PM helpful.
I am an atheist, but I wasn't always, and I'm pretty familiar with the bible. I don't think there are any passages there about breast growth on men. After all, gynecomastia can happen by accident. The important point is that it will be a side-effect of taking just about the only thing which makes life acceptable for the likes of you and me.
So, Plan B is that you order PM from Ainterolherbs.com (they work for me). You are unlikely to get much help below 3g/day, but you need to work up slowly.
Start at one 500mg every 3 hours for a maximum of 3 capsules for a week.
Don't take any after 8pm, because some people (I am one) get kidney pains if a dose sits in their bodies overnight.
After the first week increase the dose by one capsule a day for another week or two. You may have to double up on some doses (ie 1g instead of 500mg)
I think you will find that some time before you get to 3g/day, you will experience a moment of epiphany; somehow you will feel relaxed, calm, and able to think clearly.
I find that PM deals with my GD rather like Tylenol (or paracetamol in the UK) deals with my headaches: I still know it's there, but it's kind of muffled and doesn't take over my life.
You should find that you no longer have a desperate urge to present as a female, which is most of the problem. (There is a theory for this, which you can read about by searching for Dr Ann Vitale, either here or on her website... I've copied most of the links.)
Others may disagree with the dosage and recommend a slower ramp up. You have to trade this off against quicker relief. I think PM is pretty safe stuff, but I wouldn't quibble with safety.
Good Luck!
Bryony
I wish you luck in your journey. Your life cannot have been easy thus far.
Not everyone experiences the brain re-wiring that others claim from PM. I would also warn that some of us who are trying PM are having bowel issues. I took 500 mg once a day for about 8 days before changing to 500 mg twice per day. I've been on this dose for about 10 days, and I cannot move beyond it, yet. My bowels are still reacting badly to it. I've had to cut out coffee completely which has helped reduce, but not abate the problem. So, I would simply suggest that what works for some may not work for others. Listen to your body and don't push things.
Like a few others who posted before me, I started out on RC/FG/SP and got some breast growth after a few months, but that was about it. I started PM on 2/19.
Not everyone experiences the brain re-wiring that others claim from PM. I would also warn that some of us who are trying PM are having bowel issues. I took 500 mg once a day for about 8 days before changing to 500 mg twice per day. I've been on this dose for about 10 days, and I cannot move beyond it, yet. My bowels are still reacting badly to it. I've had to cut out coffee completely which has helped reduce, but not abate the problem. So, I would simply suggest that what works for some may not work for others. Listen to your body and don't push things.
Like a few others who posted before me, I started out on RC/FG/SP and got some breast growth after a few months, but that was about it. I started PM on 2/19.
(10-03-2013, 07:51 AM)Charrie Wrote: OK my question, is starting NBE as a means of quieting a life long inner turmoil of longings to be female a viable reason for starting a program?
I think it really depends on the extent of your gender dysphoria. For those who have mild to moderate gender dysphoria, I would say probably yes. However, for those who have known all their lives they are really female and have suffered inner turmoil because of it, pursuing NBE may be what convinces you that transitioning is the best path to take as far as being who you really are.
(10-03-2013, 07:51 AM)Charrie Wrote: Can NBE be an actual answer for one who deeply desires to keep so many I love from the "collateral damage" of my full transition and yet provide some respite from the life long inner struggle?
It could be. But as I said earlier, I think it depends on how you respond to NBE. You may find NBE helps to relieve some of your inner turmoil, or you may find your desire to transition intensifies.
(10-03-2013, 07:51 AM)Charrie Wrote: If yes, can this be achieved with a RC/FG/SP regimen rather than a PM program?
Like Sarah, I've taken RC/FG/SP for a few months prior to taking pm. I didn't experience any mental benefits from these herbs. Furthermore, one reason why I switched to pm was I was doubtful of my progress with RC/FG/SP.
I think something to keep in mind is not everyone gets a mental benefit from taking pm.
This post was last modified: 10-03-2013, 05:39 PM by flamesabers.
My quieting didn't happen until I full accepted what I was to myself.. and then enough so to make that my external reality. I don't want to deter you from making a decision to try an herbal routine, but from my own experience the (internal noise) never completely stopped. I come from a similar cultish background and also repressed my feelings to myself and those around me until after I was married with a child. Luckily I had put myself around understanding friends and my wife and I are still together, but my situation was a little different in that I never wanted a complete MtF transition. I just really wanted the female characteristics as part of my own as well.
Recently I said screw what the world around me thinks (outside of my very close circle aka wife and child) and started being fully open about myself and my feelings and being true to myself and this has been a great change. It took me a while to get there and there are plenty of fear and doubts to overcome but in the end if you find accepting people and put yourself around compassionate people you will feel great.
Good luck to you and welcome to the boards
Recently I said screw what the world around me thinks (outside of my very close circle aka wife and child) and started being fully open about myself and my feelings and being true to myself and this has been a great change. It took me a while to get there and there are plenty of fear and doubts to overcome but in the end if you find accepting people and put yourself around compassionate people you will feel great.
Good luck to you and welcome to the boards
This post was last modified: 10-03-2013, 10:48 PM by dargona.
I'm in a similar boat. I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown (practically incapable of typing despite a professional career that revolves around it).
I don't have anything to add, apart from hope that the turmoil will subside with some sort of hormonal reconciliation. I've always hated drugs, medication, and any form of dependence on foreign substances (which is a paradox, given that we need food and sunlight and what not), but the subjugation of the rational mind to acknowledge something so nonsensical is both incredibly liberating and impossible to subvert. Despite not having experienced any sort of herbal or medical intervention, I am down that slippery slope (with an unfortunate degree of anxiety/panic disorder randomly intervening despite no history).
Since I'm also fairly religious, I wanted to address that part of it. Though, there are two parts to this- the social and the philosophical.
Church is a social institution whose purported purpose is the promotion of philosophical inspiration and insight into who we are and the place in the world that we serve.
Gender identity disorder is, in many ways, intrinsically a social disorder. I've been an ascetic my entire life-- the very notion that I have an association with 'dresses' and the sensation of femininity is repulsive to me. And yet, I will lose my shit without nonsensical rituals to supplement the undeniable awareness. From a philosophical point of view, allowing social fears to impugn upon the self-manifestation of that which you are to be is unavoidable. If you are meant to half-it, then by all means that is all there is to it- however, if there is something more, allowing shame to govern your life is to violate that which you are.
In regards to christian philosophy- your relationship with God is, first and foremost, a private affair. I your church and your church-going members find that such a transformation is despicable in any way, shame on them for violating their own tenants. There is no reason to withhold love from anyone- be them freak, enemy, sinner or heretical.
Sorry- I'm going to go curl into a ball in my closet now- that seems like the most appealing course of action...
I don't have anything to add, apart from hope that the turmoil will subside with some sort of hormonal reconciliation. I've always hated drugs, medication, and any form of dependence on foreign substances (which is a paradox, given that we need food and sunlight and what not), but the subjugation of the rational mind to acknowledge something so nonsensical is both incredibly liberating and impossible to subvert. Despite not having experienced any sort of herbal or medical intervention, I am down that slippery slope (with an unfortunate degree of anxiety/panic disorder randomly intervening despite no history).
Since I'm also fairly religious, I wanted to address that part of it. Though, there are two parts to this- the social and the philosophical.
Church is a social institution whose purported purpose is the promotion of philosophical inspiration and insight into who we are and the place in the world that we serve.
Gender identity disorder is, in many ways, intrinsically a social disorder. I've been an ascetic my entire life-- the very notion that I have an association with 'dresses' and the sensation of femininity is repulsive to me. And yet, I will lose my shit without nonsensical rituals to supplement the undeniable awareness. From a philosophical point of view, allowing social fears to impugn upon the self-manifestation of that which you are to be is unavoidable. If you are meant to half-it, then by all means that is all there is to it- however, if there is something more, allowing shame to govern your life is to violate that which you are.
In regards to christian philosophy- your relationship with God is, first and foremost, a private affair. I your church and your church-going members find that such a transformation is despicable in any way, shame on them for violating their own tenants. There is no reason to withhold love from anyone- be them freak, enemy, sinner or heretical.
Sorry- I'm going to go curl into a ball in my closet now- that seems like the most appealing course of action...
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