Please feel free to shoot me down on what follows, or tell me that I may be making some sort of sense. Any and all comments welcome.

I have long been puzzled that it seems everyone else here who has gender issues seems to have at least at some stage a substantial interest in cross dressing or, more inclusively, dressing in a feminine style, while I have never in the past had much interest in it, and only now that I am achieving some degree of physical feminisation am I contemplating it as a possible practical issue.

Since Bryony first drew my attention to the writing of Anne Vitale, her theories have made a good deal of sense to me, despite some criticism from the mainstream all-or-nothing Transsexual Establishment. It seems generally accepted that the undifferentiated fetal brain is in the case of a male fetus exposed to male hormone during a phase of fetal development that seems to be centred on the sixteenth and seventeenth weeks, and this results in the brain being programmed so that during subsequent development (to some extent subject to circumstantial and cultural factors), it develops male characteristics, whereas the brain of a female, which is normally not so exposed, subsequently (again subject to extraneous factors), develops female characteristics. If for whatever reason this exposure fails to occur or occurs inadequately, then that male’s brain will to some extent develop as a female brain. Various things can cause such a deficiency. In my own case my mother contracted rubella in, as far as I can determine from quite good evidence, about the seventeenth week of pregnancy. As is now well known, if a mother contracts rubella it is also likely to be contracted by the fetus, with results that can and do cause serious birth defects at, usually earlier stages of fetal development.

In my own case I speculate that the male conditioning of my brain was interrupted by rubella, resulting in incomplete masculinisation. It seems to me that there may well be at least two distinct phases to the process, a first involving programming the brain so as subsequently not to develop the typically female traits it would normally develop, and a second phase involving programming the brain to develop typically male traits in due course. If these stages are part of a development sequence, then in my case I may have been programmed out of developing some feminine traits, while being short changed on the programming for male character traits; an inadequate level of male hormone or inadequate response to it throughout the process would presumably have the more across-the-board effects that seems more general. This could also explain why it took me so long to appreciate the gender related nature of my problems. Rather, I tended to feel that something was missing in my sexual development. I sought to feel what it is like physically to be female rather than simply to act female while I was physically male, if that makes any sense, and achieving some actual feminisation, e.g. developing breasts, gives me this more effectively and with less misgivings than anything I have done previously, without any psychological need to express my gender variance through clothing.

A fascinating thought.
The brain is the single most complicated object yet known of in this universe, and humans have barely begun to understand how it works.
I believe that there are multiple factors at work. A portion of who we are is a condition simply of genetic makeup. Another factor involves the early development while we are in vitro. But another factor is in the psychological influences we are subject to as we grow. So, while what you describe is very likely a part of what has made you the person we love, the influences of your parents and others upon your childhood might also be worth some consideration.
I look forward to the day, though I do not expect to live long enough to see it, when science and medicine will have joined together in a thorough understanding of all the complexities that create us.
Then again, will that remove some of the mystery that makes life so interesting?
Then again, that could just be the scotch talking, eh!
LOL!
Hugs!

Whoa! That was my 100th post! Thanks, Annibel!

Annabel, I, too, have read Anne Vitale and basically subscribe to the ideas that you very adequately described.

I also subscribe to the notion that our gender sense is, in part, influenced postnatally. For me, the postnatal phase, through early childhood, reinforced my assigned gender to the point where I refused to acknowledge any suggestion or inclination toward the feminine despite being drawn to girls and girl behaviors.

It is only in looking back that I can see that my feminine side was trying to find expression. For me those moments were subtle, but very revealing in retrospect.

My subconscious crossdressing desire revealed itself as early as the 5th grade when I refused to wear a costume that bared my legs. Seems counter to my supposition, but not really. My strong emotional response was an act of suppression of my subconscious desire to wear girls' dresses and shorts (boys in those days did NOT wear short pants where I grew up). Later, I woke up during a sleep walking incident and found myself wearing some of my sister's clothes. I was totally mortified at the discovery.

My point is the we can suppress our inner girl so effectively that she lies dormant for years and years. Then, one day something triggers her emergence, and all hell breaks loose. But, in the mean time, those buried feelings show up in seemingly contradictory ways. For example, before my gender awakening, I exhibited a kind of benign misogyny (hatred of women). Maybe male chauvinism is a better way to put it. It was a way to reinforce my maleness and distance myself from the feminine. Funny how all those disparaging attitudes towards women have since disappeared.

Does anything I say make sense? It's getting late, so I'm not thinking too straight.

CK

Of course it makes sense, Clara. Shit we suppress never goes away. It just festers in some dark corner waiting for a chance to wreak vengeance later. Meantime it causes chaos. Look at all the extreme homophobes who end up getting caught in gay trysts. Or the high powered type A execs who pay someone to totally dominate them in bed. That is what I meant when I talked about the psychological influences in our lives playing a part along with the genetic and in vitro conditions. Psychologists are forever wrangling about which is more important, "nature" or "nurture", but truth is they both play a part.

The question shouldn't be "how did I become this way," but "how to live a happy productive life the way I am."

We have little or no control over the first question but our attitude about ourselves is completely in our own hands. Good or bad.

[undefined=undefined]
True, of course, Jessica (by the way I love the new name and avatar!), but, as was pointed out to me on another thread recently, understanding how you got to where you are can not only be a comfort, but may also help in the healing.

After years of struggling to answer questions with no real known answer I came up with this realization.... spending time on seeking answers to questions that even if they could be answered..... and those answers didn't change what you do going forward.... weren't worth finding out.... they add no stake holder value... that's when I just accepted the way I am at face value.... without question.... and moved forward.... life has gotten so much better since then... mentally and other wise.... probably doesn't work for everyone...

Karren, I agree and that is where I am too. But if you had told me that years ago, I don't think I would have listened. We are all on different time schedules, eh?

Freeing ourselves from the mental shackles that society wraps around us -- like barnacles that grow on the hull of a ship -- is an extraordinary experience. I'm not a religious person, but sometimes I think of it as being 'born again' as a different person, emotionally, but with the conscious mind of my former self. I keep asking myself how important was PM in this rebirth? My sense is that it wouldn't have been possible without it. Is that the reason 'Mirifica' in 'Pueraria Mirifica' is taken from the Latin word meaning 'miracle'?

Of course, our new found freedom to be the woman we've always wanted to be is only the first step in a long struggle to again find a place in an, at best, unsympathetic world. In some ways my experience these past few months has been like that of a frightened child; but also like that of a child in awe of a world never seen before, and like that of a teen, bursting with energy and enthusiasm.

When my wife took me shopping for girls clothes to wear, I couldn't contain the excitement and joy of checking out each clothing item and imaging how the soft textures would feel against my skin. I had a giant grin on my face and felt giddy, like I image an unjaded teenage girl might feel in a similar setting.

A lot of that newness has worn off already, but a lot remains. The funny thing is, now that I've tasted a bit of freedom to be a woman in small ways, I keep wanting more and more, but run into so many obstacles that make it difficult to grow into my new world. Many of these barriers are still coming from within.

Oh well, enough feeding of the mind for now, I need to feed the body some breakfast.

CK