[flamesabers]

Is it possible that taking PM covers up any doubts that might otherwise exist if PM wasn't doing its mind bending thing?

Some transgenders tip way to the feminine, while others less so. Early on I figured I was half and half gender-wise. Since taking PM, my feminine side has become so powerful. It's like, where did this person come from? How could she have been buried for so long, and only now make her presence known?

If I went off the PM for, say, 3 months would she again fade into the background?

I'm not thrilled about doing the experiment to find out. That's why I'm asking the question. Your thoughts, anyone?

CK

CK,

Your questions reminds me of what JulieTG asked in numerous threads she started. If you haven't read them, I suggest doing so.

Here's what I wrote to one of her questions:

I don't try to separate my moods/personality traits into girly mode or male mode. As far as feminizing the brain, the biggest change I've had with pm (and spearmint to an extent) is scaling back my libido to a non-existent level. I feel I have always lacked a male ego. (Maybe that could be considered to be at least partial female brain wiring?) While I have a history of being a self-conscious person, I never have criticized myself for doing girly things or whatever. Save for a potential resurrection of my libidio, I don't have a male mode to go back to if I ever decided to stop taking pm.

I see it as being my inherent nature to explore, test, bend or even break gender boundaries. It's always been a gradual process for me though. When I was taking my highest doses of pm ever, I didn't go on a shopping spree for cosmetics and dresses, nor do I seek to alter my appearance by getting fake fingernails or waxing my eyebrows. I perceive pm as being a moderating force that improves my overall well-being rather than something that acts like a mental version of steroids for the more feminine aspects of my identity.

I don't know if this would be practical advice for you, but I suggest trying to find a way to nurture your feminine self so that you may no longer feel at war with yourself in regards to gender identity and expression.

[Samantha Rogers]

Flame,
I like your style.
As I have said before, I find that taking PM has reduced my desire to crossdress while increasing my desire to integrate subtly feminine aspects into my daily attitude, outlook, personality and appearance. I don't have any idea where this train is bound, but I am loving the ride!

[GoneGirl]

Is it possible that taking PM covers up any doubts that might otherwise exist if PM wasn't doing its mind bending thing?

Some transgenders tip way to the feminine, while others less so. Early on I figured I was half and half gender-wise. Since taking PM, my feminine side has become so powerful. It's like, where did this person come from? How could she have been buried for so long, and only now make her presence known?

If I went off the PM for, say, 3 months would she again fade into the background?

I'm not thrilled about doing the experiment to find out. That's why I'm asking the question. Your thoughts, anyone?

CK

CK,

Your questions reminds me of what JulieTG asked in numerous threads she started. If you haven't read them, I suggest doing so.

Thanks for the meaningful response to my question, Flame.

Yes, I'm familiar with JulieTG's posts, Bryony's, too. Both were at loggerheads with their his and her genders. Neither posts anymore so I assume some kind of resolution was achieved.

Some men are men at heart and know it, some men are not and show it. Others, like I, look and act like men (or at least try to) but it doesn't come naturally. So we try very hard to master the art of manliness. We start as young boys, wanting to be what's expected of us. We look for ways to convince ourselves and others that we are worthy of our assigned sex. We learn to reject all girlish things, even girls themselves until the hormones flow. We strive to avoid all effeminate behavior for fear of teasing and humiliation.

Many of us who are not manly inside are fairly successful at masking our feminine tendencies, but it's not always easy. In grade school, I was a good student. I liked to draw, read, sing, participate in class -- just like 90% of the girls but only 5% of the boys. I got teased by the other boys for certain "girlish" behavior. I got harassed for wearing tight jeans and bright colored shirts. On the playground, I was lousy at softball, football, shooting marbles, playing 'king of the hill'. When I got into junior high, it was no different. I joined the swim team (breast stroke, believe it or not) at the urging of my art teacher. I went out for track to assure myself and others that I was worthy of my sex, but I never won a race. I learned to skate, play tennis, and took up archery. I didn't know at the time these were also 'girlish' sports. Why should I care anyway? I don't know.

The only difference between you and me, Flame, as I see it, is that you didn't care so much what others thought of your girlish inclinations, whereas I did. You still don't, where as I'm struggling with trying to throw off years of programming that have me wired to conform and to comply with the demands of others.

Now, PM has entered my life, and it has changed me. I don't know how, but I'm different somehow. I feel like Alice in Genderland (yes, there's a book by that title). Am I chasing the white rabbit? I can't help but think that one day I'm going to wake up back to the way it was before. That this was all just a very nice dream that had to end sometime.

I want to be like you, Flame. Comfortable being who I am as both a man and a woman. Not tormented by constant sexual urges. Not on edge, anxious and impatient. Not afraid to embrace things that I'm attracted to that happen to be considered 'feminine'. You've always been that way, so it's natural for you, Flame. I have to learn to be a girl from scratch. Not easy for this old dog.

CK

[Samantha Rogers]

Your comments are aways so well written and so thoughtful, Clara.
In reading your description of your childhood, I might have been reading my own, right down to the breast stroke swim team and the archery, and, unfortunately, the harassment.
Like you, I went through years of recrimination, while masking desires and suppressing urges, trying to conform to what I perceived as what was expected of me by society. I think many, many biological males go through this, and some of them reach a point later in life where they no longer are willing to do so. Some of those find their way to these boards.
But everyone has different abilities and tools when it comes to understanding themselves and dealing with anxiety and mental difficulties.
Years ago I had some sessions with a therapist. She was the one who first broached the idea to me of acting on some of my latent crossdressing fantasies. But she was also the one who taught me so much about self acceptance. We are all a product of many things. Some is genetic and some is conditioned. Not much we can do about the genetics, I am afraid. But when it comes to the conditioning, we do have options. The trouble is that most of us are never given the tools as we grow up to be able to work effectively on our own emotional needs. For the most part, we all learn only the skills and tools that our parents have, and they usually have only what they learned from their parents, and so on. For many of us it requires some loving assistance to learn how to come to terms with ourselves, begin to listen for the real voice inside, and offer that person in turn the love, support and forgiveness to grow and blossom in a healthy way. It ain't easy, sister!
But the toughest part is that you have to accept that once you begin that process of self discovery (and recovery) you really cannot project where it will lead you. That is the tough part. Maybe easier for me, dear friend, because as an artist I am maybe a little more used to giving over to a process I am not able to control. I am guessing that makes your experience more difficult because I would guess you are used to having control. It is a tough thing to give up. But, and I could of course be full of shit, I think the only way forward is in being brave enough to do so. Best of luck!
By the way...did you ever see a film called Performance? Late sixties film starring Mick Jagger. You might find it interesting. It deals, in a very interesting way with some of this same stuff, and also features some great music.

[flamesabers]

Thanks for the meaningful response to my question, Flame.

Your welcome.

Yes, I'm familiar with JulieTG's posts, Bryony's, too. Both were at loggerheads with their his and her genders. Neither posts anymore so I assume some kind of resolution was achieved.

I'm not sure what happened with those two either.

We look for ways to convince ourselves and others that we are worthy of our assigned sex.

This is a very alien concept for me.

We learn to reject all girlish things, even girls themselves until the hormones flow. We strive to avoid all effeminate behavior for fear of teasing and humiliation.

So I wasn't suppose to enjoy playing with my sister's toys when I was a kid? When I was away from home and on a long car ride or something, I was happy my sister would bring along a portable toy like Polly Pocket. It fits in your pocket. You open it up and can play with one or two miniature dolls in a small house or whatever. How cool of a toy is that for a young kid in the early 90s!

I want to be like you, Flame. Comfortable being who I am as both a man and a woman. Not tormented by constant sexual urges. Not on edge, anxious and impatient. Not afraid to embrace things that I'm attracted to that happen to be considered 'feminine'. You've always been that way, so it's natural for you, Flame. I have to learn to be a girl from scratch. Not easy for this old dog.

CK

I also was a good student during my childhood years. I remember being a rather quiet, sensitive and obedient child. I recognized these traits were much more common with girls than boys. This never bothered me nor was it something I tried to rationalize or be in self-denial about. I never wanted to be the loud, rough and tumble kind of person a lot of the boys were. It just wasn't me. I suppose all this helped with establishing my feelings of solidarity with females.

Have you tried something like spearmint to help taper your sexual urges?

[GoneGirl]

Your comments are aways so well written and so thoughtful, Clara.
:
:
The trouble is that most of us are never given the tools as we grow up to be able to work effectively on our own emotional needs. For the most part, we all learn only the skills and tools that our parents have, and they usually have only what they learned from their parents, and so on. For many of us it requires some loving assistance to learn how to come to terms with ourselves, begin to listen for the real voice inside, and offer that person in turn the love, support and forgiveness to grow and blossom in a healthy way. It ain't easy, sister!
:
:

Thank you, Samantha. You're so right about lacking the tools to shape our minds to better service our emotional needs. I do have to say that this forum and its many contributors, like you, Samantha, have been instrumental in reshaping the many distorted ways of thinking that I've harbored for many years. I guess that's why I hang around here so much, making myself a nuisance.

CK

[GoneGirl]

Have you tried something like spearmint to help taper your sexual urges?

Well, Flame, you should know that I follow your advice and example like an adoring sister. So, you should be pleased to know that as of this morning I started on 400 mg/day of Spearmint along with my 1000 mg/day of PM. My next break is coming up in 7 days, I still haven't decided whether to extend the break longer which my reason for starting this thread.

BTW, my libido is being held in check on just 1000 mg/day of PM, but I still get 'morning wood' every couple of days. I'm expecting the Spearmint to do that in quickly.

CK

[Lisa Lou]

Some men are men at heart and know it, some men are not and show it. Others, like I, look and act like men (or at least try to) but it doesn't come naturally. So we try very hard to master the art of manliness. We start as young boys, wanting to be what's expected of us. We look for ways to convince ourselves and others that we are worthy of our assigned sex. We learn to reject all girlish things, even girls themselves until the hormones flow. We strive to avoid all effeminate behavior for fear of teasing and humiliation.

CK

Oh, so very, very true CK. Except for the archery and swim team (gotta love it - BREAST STROKE!) my formative years parallel yours and Samantha's, mine sports were track and basketball. I was pretty good at track, cause I had lots of practice running from bullies , and I swear can remember picturing that during races. Growing up a a deeply religious Southern Baptist home, I learned guilt and obedience very well! Everything was black and white, I was a male, so I did male things... PERIOD. To escape my feminine tendencies I went into the Army after college and had a 27 year career, 12 of that in Special Operations Command... I was a man's man, except of course when I went home, went into my bedroom, opened my CD bag, and emerged as Lisa .I can remember wearing camisoles and pantyhose under my uniforms, and going on jumps, with the twisted tension of having a bad landing, breaking something and winding up in the hospital getting my uniform cut off in the emergency room.... SURPRISE! I think subconsciously I wanted that to happen so I could quit my double life lie... of course I would have also been a civilian rather quickly!

So now I am content to accept who I am, hide it most of the time, but revel in the fact that I do love me and my nascent breasts, knowing that if they do actually grow noticeably I can always call 'em old man moobs! The only issue I am contemplating is a marathon I'm training for next fall... BUT, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it! Might be kind of funny if the girls are a B cup by then!

CJ, Sorry to hijack your thread on taking a break, but had to share my experience on your and Samantha's history.

Hugs and Encouragement,
LL

[GoneGirl]

CJ, Sorry to hijack your thread on taking a break, but had to share my experience on your and Samantha's history.

Hugs and Encouragement,
LL

No apology necessary, Lisa. You can 'muscle' in anytime you like.

I enjoyed reading your account of a lifetime of 'combat' against machoism.

CK