Posts: 1,955
Threads: 58
Joined: Aug 2010
Ok, better now, I think... sorry about that. My dog is here and she doesn't care if I grow boobs (or even a third eye...dogs are great. They just love...unconditionally... Don't you wish people were like that?)
Here is the thing...
This board and those of you here that I have come to know and love... well, it is the first time I can remember that I really feel comfortable to reveal who I am really. I cannot overstate the importance of that. Most of you know I have been an actor most of my life. No, not famous, but I made a living so I guess I am okay at it. But it never stopped at the stage door. Rather, I guess, it started long before I ever became an actor...acting like someone I wasn't in order to fit in. I grew up in a tough and homophobic place where the least sign of weakness was immediately seized upon and exploited. I learned to act tough. I was stealing my Mom's clothing when I was a kid. There was little money in our house (single Mom raising two kids. As a teenager I would wander the back alleys and steal women's underwear from clotheslines.(yeah, where I lived they hung out the laundry still...my kids have never even seen that) i had this secret life. Probably like a lot of people that come to boards like this one. I chased girls, sure, but mostly because I was more comfortable with them than with boys, but it "looked" acceptable to be seen as a "romeo" since I never went out for sports or hung out much with "the guys".
Fast forward. College. I discovered a theatre class. Everyone was a little weird, so I fit in. But I kept playing the same game because it had become my armor. I had a lot of girlfriends. No, I never had trouble playing the part, and I convinced myself everything was great. I successfully pushed away all the memories of my other self. At least that is what I thought. In places I never even revealed to myself, she was still there (isn't that always the case?). I remember when I married my first wife...I bought her some really sexy lingerie. She thought I was being selfish, wanting to dress her up for my own pleasure. Not long after we were married, I secretly tried it all on.
That marriage did not last. My fault. I was constantly away from home, working in theatres in different cities. I am ashamed to admit I kept right on chasing sex with women during all those trips. In retrospect, it is pretty obvious I was trying to compensate and prove something.
On the surface, I had a great life. I never had much money, but I saw the world, lived in many different cities and "scored" with lots of girls (and tried boys some, too, though, within my "role" as male lothario it never seemed to feel right, plus being "gay" just seemed to come with too much baggage). I loved rock and roll, and parties and playing different roles on stage and receiving the adulation that comes with being a good looking leading man. It was all a sham.
On another level, I felt an overwhelming need to have kids, especially after my older brother died. My Dad had three sisters and no brothers, so I felt an unreasonable obligation to "carry on the name" (really stupid, huh?).
I had a lot of passionate affairs, and even convinced myself I was in love on more than one occasion. But I was getting older and had something I felt I still needed to do. I wanted kids. I am guessing now that it was the final act of compensation. I met my wife, who is a sweet, lovely woman. She was raised extremely conservatively and we completely settled into a very routine, straight, normal life that she thrives on. For crissakes I was even a scoutmaster. Needing to provide insurance for the family, once the kids were born, I fell into a job that I could easily do in my sleep, but which did require a lot of out of town travel. After screwing up my first marriage so badly, I had sworn that if I ever married again I would not screw around (and with the exception of one meaningless quicky early in the marriage - yes, I have been an occasional asshole...mea culpa) I have honored that. But during those years Samantha came back full force while I was traveling. I went through regular purchase and purge cycles like so many do. Whenever I was home I continued to overcompensate in the bedroom. But my wife, bless her heart, has never been all that interested in sex. I think much of the time she just humored me, out of a sense of duty. It just isn't her thing. But I became obsessed and went through the familiar online porn obsession stage. During that time I discovered the world of alternate gender. Remember, you young ones, that the world has changed a lot in the last several decades regarding gender switching. When I was young, before the internet, you simply did not hear about such things.
Anyway, a while ago, I discovered this site. The rest is history.
No, my wife does not know about my quest. I know, there are those here who will judge that that is wrong...maybe you are right. Years ago, I tried bringing up, in oblique ways, the subject of my "dressing", only to be brushed off completely. I would guess that my wife must sense something (the fact that I shave my entire body must be some kind of clue, you would think) but she appears to chalk it up to my just being eccentric. Honestly, I don't think she wants to know. I really don't. I don't think she has any desire to rock the boat. These days she is quite content to go about her work, deal with the kids, who are in college and just finishing high school now, and help out teaching Sunday School and chairing the Ladies group at the church she was raised in. Opening up to her now, though the honest thing to do, would be, to me, an act of extreme selfishness on my part. It would rock her world in ways she could in no way handle. It would also completely upend the worlds of both my kids. And it would serve no purpose. You may think differently, but I know this situation and you do not. Rather, I choose to go on playing my part. I signed up for it, and I will fulfill my promise. I just can't lay it on them. I can handle it (therapists call that grandiosity, by the way) Judge me poorly if you choose. Yes, this is a lifelong story of role playing. I don't care. I have learned to forgive myself. I hope you can too. It would mean a lot to me. But I am relieved to at least share this with someone. It lightens by burden and for that and for all of you, I am extremely grateful. Extremely.
Hugs (if you still want them)
Sammie
