Do you suffer from gender dysphoria?
No, I do not consider myself gender dysphoric. That would suggest that I am unhappy (at best) or feel revulsion (at worst) with my biological gender. Rather, I feel that I am bigender, which suggests that I share both female and male genders within the same body, and that I am comfortable in the personas of both male (Lou) and female (Lisa). My biological gender is male, and I am fully comfortable in his skin, I enjoy his sexuality, his crass sense of humor, his desire to be dominant, his sense of duty and loyalty, his Type A 'get er done' work ethic, and his willingness to take a bullet for his family, his friends, and to protect the nation that allows his freedom to be who he is. My second gender is female, and I am fully comfortable with her sexuality (minus the vagina), her traits of compassion and caring, care giving, listening, being emotional over a Hallmark commercial
, crying with a friend, her vanity over her appearance, and her submissive nature, as well as her desire to pampered and to pamper herself and others with mani-pedis, bubble baths and massages. Oh god, to have a partner where we could paint each other's nails, do each others, hair and make-up, and then go drink a beer and watch football!
The problem is that there is an expectation that because of my biological gender, I will act a certain societally acceptable ALL of the time, that I will limit my displays of emotion, that my sexuality will be domineering, that I will resist submission instead of gladly give in to it, that I will not enjoy the feel of silk or satin against my skin, that I am satisfied with having a penis only, and not desire to have the physical characteristics of my alternate gender.
How do you know?
Unlike so many my first awareness was not exploring a lingerie drawer, but rather when I was 4 or 5, having a sympatico with the girls in my neighborhood as much as the boys. I remember exploring bodies with Frances one summer morning in her backyard playhouse, and discovering that she did not have "tallywacker," but rather a dark and mysterious void between her legs. I wanted one, too! Later, as a teenager, it was thinking how unfair it was that what I thought were natural traits, both emotional and physical were considered 'feminine.' Being told that I stand like a girl, hell, I thought I stood like me! And on and on. Of course, I discovered how much I enjoyed wearing women's clothes as much, if not more, than men's. It did not have to be lingerie, but a blouse, or jeans or a skirt, or wearing lipstick, or using my sister's blow dryer on my hair. I knew I was different. It wasn't a split personality, both are present all of the time, but more of a blend. The hardest thing I have had to do in my life is to attempt to deny my feminine side, even though I have been very successful in doing so, it has been exhausting. In my chosen profession as a military officer, I walked a tightrope every waking moment, and some sleeping, depending on my boudoir attire
. In an environment where macho was the only acceptable behavior, my compassionate and empathetic nature was often the subject of amusement by my comrades, and derision by my superiors. But with many, my more feminine traits were seen as an asset, I excelled as a leader, and was duly rewarded and promoted over 27 years. The other area of my life that has been just as difficult has been my romantic relationships with women. It seems the soft, tender, caring and compassionate side that attracted so many in the beginning was later seen as a weakness and "unmanly." Through too many relationships to count, and 5 marriages, I think I have finally gotten it... If I am ever to be happy in a relationship, it will have to be with a woman who has the same bigender propensity that I do, and we will complement and find balance with each other. I am currently in a relationship with a woman who possesses some male personality traits, and we have our own version of lesbian sex (unnamed) that we enjoy. One of the most satisfying encounters I have ever had was with a woman who had had M to F SRS. She still possessed certain male traits, but also female, and was one of the most beautiful and sexually attractive women I have ever been with, and we understood cherished each other's bigender personalities. But, alas, it did not work. That is why sexually I do consider myself a lesbian with a penis. Having breasts would fully provide me the epitome of bigender identity, not as a "lady boy," but as me, Lisa Lou, part woman, part man, all person.
When did you discover that your being bigender was gender related (that's kind of a contradiction I think!)? I realized it, when I became aware that it was not acceptable for me to be me, to show my feminine as well as my masculine personality traits, and to manifest them both in the way that a expressed myself, the way I dressed, walked, talked, LIVED.
Have you been able to alleviate the symptoms? NO! I would never want to, I love and accept me. I truly, just want someone who will love and accept me as part woman, part man.
So, that is essentially my gender identity, what made me the way that I am? I always told my dear mother her affinity for Johnny Walker Red when she was pregnant with me! But in reality who knows. All I know is, that looking back at my life, my journey, I am truly glad, and yes blessed to be who I am. To quote a line from the Jimmy Buffett song, He Went to Paris, "Some of it's magic and some of it's tragic, but I've had a good life all the way." And my friends, I look forward to waking tomorrow to a brand new, exciting day (hoping to feel the twinges of new breast growth).
Love y'all, Mean it!
