04-12-2013, 11:25 AM
She`s not there anymore,
She has gone, not a girly thought or desire in sight ?
The switch was almost overnight apart from the odd flick last 2 weeks,
I am sitting here now,
Testosterone fuelled grump, angry, tense , wired, arse kicking mode, powerful strong,
Pumped, road rage back, protecitive, paraonoid, anxious, tense, worrying, lead in my heart, but still
“ok happy”
Gone has the
Happiness, relaxed state, carefree, state of mind,
All girl desires to ZERO in fact past ZERO, there is a state of revulsion, huge purge, do not want to feel, look, see anything Girly,
Look down on my chest, do not want them,
I have gone to 100% male, not tilted up the spectrum I have gone arse end male,
Why, I have simply no idea, perhaps the herbs balanced, fed the brain cells that needed feeding, , what ever, and something else kicked in ?
The quote it seems ironic that transgender people have to take female hormones to allow themselves to carry on living male, ie stop the relentless drive, seems nothing truer today, but my drive has not just depleted its vanished, not buried, but vanished.
I am looking for it questioning, ok don’t mind if your just hiding, there is no delusion, she is gone, she may be back of course, what shall we say 1-2 years ?
Will she come storming back harder than before ?
Now I face euphoria and lows, ie in normal mode, stinging eyes with testosterone fuelled rage , have everything I wish for in life but with a lead heart, happy but a lead weight heart,
I can truly say that I have examined myself and asked honestly, openly to myself do I want to be a woman, today , yuck absolutely not , the thought repulses me,
However it proves one thing to me and that is the power of herbs and pharma to stabilize, or to bring down the visceral desires so thoughts can be processed, what is worrying is why this concept is not well known and put into practice by the established sciences.
I concur that I may be extreme and have 2 twin sides, but there are thousands of others out there who are a little more middle ground and who need, help , information, guidance, hope, and most important of all a set guidance,
Why do we have to suffer and be labeled a TS or a cross dresser when most of us are not.
There must be many people who have succumbed to the urges , gone on fast train pharma and been launched into the TG world openly , how many after ,thought yikes this is not me,
How many have de-transitioned ?
How many families blown apart when all Daddy needed was a settling balancing herb ,
Its FKING frightening
The work of these sites are important,
Yes I blame the internet for many times fuelling the passion, lighting the fires perhaps, but if the estrogen receptors are switched on and screaming, there on, there there and wailing, so something has to be done.
Without the input of these sites for both supply of product and information, how many would now be on fast track paharma, it’s a sobering and quite frankly terrifying thought.
Still I will go quiet now and determine my course and I may just take some herbs to “hopefully” keep the balance or I may abstain and watch out for the girly signals to return, she will, and she usually returns when
Winter starts or under severe stress loads and T level is ramped to fight or full motivation level,
In a way I hate her, In a way I treasure her, and yes the there are tears dripping on the keyboard, and where those came from I don’t know.
I will also research now anti-drepressants as there was a site with a strong reference to these as a first course measure for some like us, it rang true to me, and it’s a thought train I have suspected for some years could relate to me.
There is another on the Bi-gender site who started on anti-depressants and all urges have stopped,
Anyway I will be about but in muted form as will be attempting not to read or look at any material that could cause her to return, I don’t want her back she is a pain,
Thank you all for your comments, your insights, laughs, tribulations, intelligence, fight, and most of all compassion,
Julie
