Most wives have some objection to the idea of their husband's wanting to feminize themselves, or even taking the risk of doing so. Even my wife, who is one of the rare ones who has accepted my wanting to be more female physically as well as mentally, if pressed, will say that she'd prefer me to be a cisgendered male. The difference, I think, is that she understands that I'm not cis and never will be, and that to force me to pretend to be would be sentencing me to living out the remaining few years of my life (I'm 67) in a state of mental anxiety, even pain. Am I simply putting my needs over hers? That's a question I've asked myself over and over, and still ask to this day. And, believe me, when I finally came clean to her, I did understand that the revelation had the potential to irreparably harm, even destroy our marriage. After many weeks of introspection, I came to understand that my keeping my crossdreaming secret to myself, with all the associated shame and guilt, was not good for either of us. I had not only diminished my own happiness for years, but my wife's as well. There was no way I could be a 'normal' husband with the mixed gender identity and crossdreamer sexual orientation that I was born with. I came to the conclusion that I could be a better husband, friend and lover if I could just be myself -- a conventional man in many ways, but with a strong feminine gender identity. It was my discovery of this and other TG sites that ultimately promted me to make the disclosure and hope for the best. So far, at least, the gamble has paid off.
The key to gaining my wife's acceptance, first of my taking PM despite the feminizing effect it has, was her love for me and wanting me to be happy. It's as simple as that. But, was she just sacrificing her own happiness for my sake? As it turned out, for our situation, NO. She saw the beneficial mental effects of PM within a few weeks. PM has changed me in ways that she likes. It changed our relationship for the better. She admits that openly. What she had to overcome was dealing with years of prejudice and conditioning about what a husband should be in our society. That's no small challenge. As an older and wiser woman herself, she did come to put things into proper perspective. Bless her soul, she understands that I am the most important thing in her life; she has stated as much, and will not cast away what is otherwise a good marriage and financial security for the sake of social convention.
Since then, my wife has gained almost as much understanding of the sources and treatment of gender dysphoria as I. She no longer feels like she is compromising her choices in life by accepting my TG nature. Acceptance has gone on to become active support, as long as I remain sensitive to complications that outing myself to the world would have on us with respect to family, friends, and our standing in the community. She understands better than I do, frankly, that this is not a static situation. That the realization of my female gender, as it affects my daily life is an evolving thing. "We'll have to see where it goes." is a favorite expression of hers. It's not directed at me alone, but to herself, as well. Like it or not, she married a transgender. She is the wife of a transgender. She can choose to make a life under that umbrella, or choose to find someone who is cisgender, and hope that all the other things she has and likes about our relationship can be recreated. She's too smart to take such a foolish gamble, and I would be devastated if she did.
What I've learned is that S.O. acceptance is not a binary, on/off, condition. It is a factor in the transition of realizing one's transgenderism no less than learning how to grow breasts and dealing with the consequences of that. For those of us who are married and want to stay married, it is the number one factor that must be considered if you choose to finally take the big step to address your gender dysphoria.
Those are my ideas, Kim, for whatever good you can put them to. I realize that everyone's situation is different, though, so you'll have to work out what works for you. It's not easy, and I only hope you can find your path to happiness.
Huggs,
Clara
