Yesterday at long last I got to speak with my urologist, not the locum I got landed with four months ago. A good part of the discussion related to my bladder stones, which while of interest to me, are probably not to any of you.
The rest of the discussion was much more interesting. About six months ago, while desperately trying to secure an appointment, I put together a list of issues I wanted addressed, which included besides the stones a query as to why my PSA score had suddenly dropped from years of fairly steady values near 4 to near zero in the most recent two tests, and a query as to whether there were any health issues involved in the fact that my T levels were apparently also near zero and my penis and testicles were very severely atrophied, to the extent that the former has become an 'innie' rather than an 'outie' and the latter are now small. soft and even difficult to find. Since I was concerned that this might result in his prescribing T supplementation, I added that because I had TG issues I was quite happy with the situation provided that it did not raise any serious health issues.
I passed the list to the nurse practitioner who is our PHP with a request that it be passed on to the urologist. My DW who was there with me at the time and had seen the list said that she, the NP, was shocked out of her mind, that I shouldn't have included anything about TG issues (which she (my DW) did not at that time want to know about) and that she doubted that the NP would pass it on. However I think it is now clear that she did. Additionally I gave him an updated version yesterday, so I think that my gender issues must now be firmly in my medical record.
While gender issues were not directly mentioned by either of us in yesterday's discussion. he did say (all that follows is somewhat paraphrased) that in a case like mine he would not recommend T supplementation, and that with such low T levels its effect would be unpredictable and possibly adverse; that if the changes to my body did not worry me then there wasn't a problem, and the low T was only a problem if it caused me depression or other problems, which I told him it doesn't. I told him I was taking an estrogenic herb as HRT, he asked what, and I said Pueraria Mirifica. He didn't ask me the spelling or anything but made a note - I don't know whether it was something he already knew about or he was just being polite. He said that if it worked for me then he was fine with it, but I did wonder whether he was concerned that I would ask for a hormone prescription and was relieved that I didn't. He also said something to the effect that not nearly enough was known about the action of hormones or herbs in the kind of situation we were discussing but that it was at least very possible that the PM had caused the PSA drop, which merely signified that there was no longer any irritation to which the prostate was reacting. He did say that my recent ultrasound examination did show that my prostate was still enlarged and that this could be dealt with along with the stones, but if I didn't want that he would be fine with my decision. I said that in view of the size of the stone I had passed a few months ago, I didn't think there could be much obstruction, and he agreed with my decision to leave the prostate alone, at least for now. The reason I didn't try to ask whether he would prescribe E2 was that my DW was very concerned that I might actually do so, and she tends to see that as the road to full transition.
The rest of the discussion was much more interesting. About six months ago, while desperately trying to secure an appointment, I put together a list of issues I wanted addressed, which included besides the stones a query as to why my PSA score had suddenly dropped from years of fairly steady values near 4 to near zero in the most recent two tests, and a query as to whether there were any health issues involved in the fact that my T levels were apparently also near zero and my penis and testicles were very severely atrophied, to the extent that the former has become an 'innie' rather than an 'outie' and the latter are now small. soft and even difficult to find. Since I was concerned that this might result in his prescribing T supplementation, I added that because I had TG issues I was quite happy with the situation provided that it did not raise any serious health issues.
I passed the list to the nurse practitioner who is our PHP with a request that it be passed on to the urologist. My DW who was there with me at the time and had seen the list said that she, the NP, was shocked out of her mind, that I shouldn't have included anything about TG issues (which she (my DW) did not at that time want to know about) and that she doubted that the NP would pass it on. However I think it is now clear that she did. Additionally I gave him an updated version yesterday, so I think that my gender issues must now be firmly in my medical record.
While gender issues were not directly mentioned by either of us in yesterday's discussion. he did say (all that follows is somewhat paraphrased) that in a case like mine he would not recommend T supplementation, and that with such low T levels its effect would be unpredictable and possibly adverse; that if the changes to my body did not worry me then there wasn't a problem, and the low T was only a problem if it caused me depression or other problems, which I told him it doesn't. I told him I was taking an estrogenic herb as HRT, he asked what, and I said Pueraria Mirifica. He didn't ask me the spelling or anything but made a note - I don't know whether it was something he already knew about or he was just being polite. He said that if it worked for me then he was fine with it, but I did wonder whether he was concerned that I would ask for a hormone prescription and was relieved that I didn't. He also said something to the effect that not nearly enough was known about the action of hormones or herbs in the kind of situation we were discussing but that it was at least very possible that the PM had caused the PSA drop, which merely signified that there was no longer any irritation to which the prostate was reacting. He did say that my recent ultrasound examination did show that my prostate was still enlarged and that this could be dealt with along with the stones, but if I didn't want that he would be fine with my decision. I said that in view of the size of the stone I had passed a few months ago, I didn't think there could be much obstruction, and he agreed with my decision to leave the prostate alone, at least for now. The reason I didn't try to ask whether he would prescribe E2 was that my DW was very concerned that I might actually do so, and she tends to see that as the road to full transition.
This post was last modified: 05-07-2014, 05:50 PM by AnnieBL.
(09-07-2014, 04:54 PM)ClaraKay Wrote: Very interesting, Annie. Thanks for the update. Does your wife know that you are taking PM? Is that not of equal concern to her as would be the case taking E2?
Clara
Yes, she does know, but as yet she is still tackling broader aspects of my GI, and has not really given it her attention although she tells me she has done some internet searching. In fact I asked if she would like to try it since it could be beneficial for her too, but her immediate reaction was no. I am fairly sure that her attitude to my taking prescription E2 is that she would see my asking for such a prescription as signifying a possible entry or attempt at entry into the standard protocol for all-or-nothing transition conventional in the medical establishment (which neither of us wants, although as yet I'm not certain how far she is persuaded on an emotional level of my position). It is possible that E2 obtained without a prescription might not produce the same reaction. I have told her that I did take the small quantity of E2 that she threw out some time ago after discontinuing HRT herself.
There are still areas in which she is still in 'don't want to know' mode. I inadvertently gave her a printout with the URL of this board on it, but while she let me know that she had it, to the best of my knowledge she hasn't been here.
(09-07-2014, 07:13 PM)AnnieBL Wrote:(09-07-2014, 04:54 PM)ClaraKay Wrote: Very interesting, Annie. Thanks for the update. Does your wife know that you are taking PM? Is that not of equal concern to her as would be the case taking E2?
Clara
Yes, she does know, but as yet she is still tackling broader aspects of my GI, and has not really given it her attention although she tells me she has done some internet searching. In fact I asked if she would like to try it since it could be beneficial for her too, but her immediate reaction was no. I am fairly sure that her attitude to my taking prescription E2 is that she would see my asking for such a prescription as signifying a possible entry or attempt at entry into the standard protocol for all-or-nothing transition conventional in the medical establishment (which neither of us wants, although as yet I'm not certain how far she is persuaded on an emotional level of my position). It is possible that E2 obtained without a prescription might not produce the same reaction. I have told her that I did take the small quantity of E2 that she threw out some time ago after discontinuing HRT herself.
There are still areas in which she is still in 'don't want to know' mode. I inadvertently gave her a printout with the URL of this board on it, but while she let me know that she had it, to the best of my knowledge she hasn't been here.
Annie, I must say. I'm not sure I am brave enough to give my wife any links to sites i have posted. There are still some things best left unsaid.
(09-07-2014, 09:40 PM)Janet doe Wrote: Annie, I must say. I'm not sure I am brave enough to give my wife any links to sites i have posted. There are still some things best left unsaid.
Yes indeed, and yes indeed it was a careless mistake.
And I thought I'd always been careful 
I hope it doesn't upset any apple carts, although she may herself choose to not too look for fear of just that. Having dumped my can of worms on her, I suppose its only fair that she now has something extra to hold over my head. 
Let's face it, most of our posts except on the picture pages are right out there in the open for anyone to see.
Yup, Told my DW about Breast Nexus and how to get to it. I invited her to read anything she wants there, and she has. When I came out to her, I felt it was important to promise from then on to be open and honest about my feelings, my goals, and my actions. No secrets. No hiding. She's seen every picture that I've posted on BN, too, and those of many other members, too. My postings raise questions from time to time, but I firmly believe that trust is critical in transitioning within a marriage, if it is to work. That means doing it as a team with consideration given to both party's feelings and needs. My thinking is that most objections from an SO are based on insecurities that cannot be neutralized if trust is absent.
Clara
Clara
(10-07-2014, 03:58 AM)ClaraKay Wrote: Yup, Told my DW about Breast Nexus and how to get to it. I invited her to read anything she wants there, and she has. When I came out to her, I felt it was important to promise from then on to be open and honest about my feelings, my goals, and my actions. No secrets. No hiding. She's seen every picture that I've posted on BN, too, and those of many other members, too. My postings raise questions from time to time, but I firmly believe that trust is critical in transitioning within a marriage, if it is to work. That means doing it as a team with consideration given to both party's feelings and needs. My thinking is that most objections from an SO are based on insecurities that cannot be neutralized if trust is absent.
Clara
I had similar feelings myself, but a couple of things held me back. Firstly, here have I been, spilling all sorts of things about her to people who to her (or even to me for many visitors to the board) are complete strangers. While the cloak of anonymity and the confessional aspect of some of rhe postings are maybe an excuse, I am reminded of the rather disturbed boy I was at school with who used to leave pieces of paper around the place confessing his sins. No one minded as long as they were his own sins, but when he started on other peoples' sins they tended to object.
Secondly, I'm not certain how she would react to my avatar, in our present statel of play, even though it in fact represents the limit and entirety of my cross dressing to date.This post was last modified: 10-07-2014, 08:45 AM by AnnieBL.
(10-07-2014, 08:42 AM)AnnieBL Wrote:(10-07-2014, 03:58 AM)ClaraKay Wrote: Yup, Told my DW about Breast Nexus and how to get to it. I invited her to read anything she wants there, and she has. When I came out to her, I felt it was important to promise from then on to be open and honest about my feelings, my goals, and my actions. No secrets. No hiding. She's seen every picture that I've posted on BN, too, and those of many other members, too. My postings raise questions from time to time, but I firmly believe that trust is critical in transitioning within a marriage, if it is to work. That means doing it as a team with consideration given to both party's feelings and needs. My thinking is that most objections from an SO are based on insecurities that cannot be neutralized if trust is absent.
Clara
I had similar feelings myself, but a couple of things held me back. Firstly, here have I been, spilling all sorts of things about her to people who to her (or even to me for many visitors to the board) are complete strangers. While the cloak of anonymity and the confessional aspect of some of rhe postings are maybe an excuse, I am reminded of the rather disturbed boy I was at school with who used to leave pieces of paper around the place confessing his sins. No one minded as long as they were his own sins, but when he started on other peoples' sins they tended to object.
I think I've read every one of your posts, Annie, and for the life of me I can't remember anything about your wife that cast her in a negative light. As to her reluctance to embrace your trans nature, that is the expected going-in assumption we all make. Of course, you know your wife best, so I defer to your judgment, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over the possibility of her reading yours and other posts here. Who knows, it might be the key to greater understanding and acceptance.
Clara
Annie,
You certainly are a careful and thoughtful person. Your wife, should she ever read your posts will realise that you love her and have her best interests at heart, whilst saying that I do agree with Janet , some things are best left unsaid. I have not volunteered any info to my wife as I know it will be twisted in some way and used against me.
I must admit reading yours and Clara's points in particular and not forgetting our dear friend Janet, we all seem to need the assistance of our specialist GP or Endocrinologist to help map out our route or path to gaining the peace we are desiring.
All these posts have served to prove to me that I gave in far too easily when I got such an adverse reaction from my DW. You may remember from my earlier post that I ended up cancelling future appointments which pleased my wife but depressed me.
Over the last few weeks I have felt depressed or at least sad that I am locked into occasional CD'ing and my journey has come to a stop or brick wall.
I have decided (as of tonight) the current road block is to be dismantled and I intend to resurrect the GP's appointments and seek a new counselling.
I am not a confrontational person but feel that if I do not pursue my desired path then I will see little to look forward to in my latter years. My DW does not understand the mental pain I endure on a daily basis. Many of you have been so very supportive and offered very good and sound advice, which I may add I have tried to administer, but has had limited or no beneficial effect that I can equate to.
There are occasions and relationships that seem destined not to be united when trying to overcome certain difficulties, mine is one of those. If I was to accept the occasional CD'ing and not desire anything further then NO PROBLEM ! BUT and it's a big BUT , I want to progress way beyond that.
As things stand, when I read others talking about transitioning my heart races and suddenly feel lost and envious all in one second. You girls that have managed to get your SO to understand that fill me with so much passion I don't know how to store it.
It is getting very late here in the UK and I will have to retire for the night before my dear wife moans about me staying up on the forum until the early hours of the morning again.
Please keep this thread rolling, I am very interested in all that is said, it is helping more than you could imagine.
Good night dear friends, you are much loved and respected by me more than you know.
Love
Heather Xxx
You certainly are a careful and thoughtful person. Your wife, should she ever read your posts will realise that you love her and have her best interests at heart, whilst saying that I do agree with Janet , some things are best left unsaid. I have not volunteered any info to my wife as I know it will be twisted in some way and used against me.
I must admit reading yours and Clara's points in particular and not forgetting our dear friend Janet, we all seem to need the assistance of our specialist GP or Endocrinologist to help map out our route or path to gaining the peace we are desiring.
All these posts have served to prove to me that I gave in far too easily when I got such an adverse reaction from my DW. You may remember from my earlier post that I ended up cancelling future appointments which pleased my wife but depressed me.
Over the last few weeks I have felt depressed or at least sad that I am locked into occasional CD'ing and my journey has come to a stop or brick wall.
I have decided (as of tonight) the current road block is to be dismantled and I intend to resurrect the GP's appointments and seek a new counselling.
I am not a confrontational person but feel that if I do not pursue my desired path then I will see little to look forward to in my latter years. My DW does not understand the mental pain I endure on a daily basis. Many of you have been so very supportive and offered very good and sound advice, which I may add I have tried to administer, but has had limited or no beneficial effect that I can equate to.
There are occasions and relationships that seem destined not to be united when trying to overcome certain difficulties, mine is one of those. If I was to accept the occasional CD'ing and not desire anything further then NO PROBLEM ! BUT and it's a big BUT , I want to progress way beyond that.
As things stand, when I read others talking about transitioning my heart races and suddenly feel lost and envious all in one second. You girls that have managed to get your SO to understand that fill me with so much passion I don't know how to store it.
It is getting very late here in the UK and I will have to retire for the night before my dear wife moans about me staying up on the forum until the early hours of the morning again.
Please keep this thread rolling, I am very interested in all that is said, it is helping more than you could imagine.
Good night dear friends, you are much loved and respected by me more than you know.
Love
Heather Xxx
(11-07-2014, 12:42 AM)Heather-H Wrote: Annie,
You certainly are a careful and thoughtful person. Your wife, should she ever read your posts will realise that you love her and have her best interests at heart, whilst saying that I do agree with Janet , some things are best left unsaid. I have not volunteered any info to my wife as I know it will be twisted in some way and used against me.
I must admit reading yours and Clara's points in particular and not forgetting our dear friend Janet, we all seem to need the assistance of our specialist GP or Endocrinologist to help map out our route or path to gaining the peace we are desiring.
All these posts have served to prove to me that I gave in far too easily when I got such an adverse reaction from my DW. You may remember from my earlier post that I ended up cancelling future appointments which pleased my wife but depressed me.
Over the last few weeks I have felt depressed or at least sad that I am locked into occasional CD'ing and my journey has come to a stop or brick wall.
I have decided (as of tonight) the current road block is to be dismantled and I intend to resurrect the GP's appointments and seek a new counselling.
I am not a confrontational person but feel that if I do not pursue my desired path then I will see little to look forward to in my latter years. My DW does not understand the mental pain I endure on a daily basis. Many of you have been so very supportive and offered very good and sound advice, which I may add I have tried to administer, but has had limited or no beneficial effect that I can equate to.
There are occasions and relationships that seem destined not to be united when trying to overcome certain difficulties, mine is one of those. If I was to accept the occasional CD'ing and not desire anything further then NO PROBLEM ! BUT and it's a big BUT , I want to progress way beyond that.
As things stand, when I read others talking about transitioning my heart races and suddenly feel lost and envious all in one second. You girls that have managed to get your SO to understand that fill me with so much passion I don't know how to store it.
It is getting very late here in the UK and I will have to retire for the night before my dear wife moans about me staying up on the forum until the early hours of the morning again.
Please keep this thread rolling, I am very interested in all that is said, it is helping more than you could imagine.
Good night dear friends, you are much loved and respected by me more than you know.
Love
Heather Xxx
Oh Heather, I do so feel for you. Although it is the small hours here, and we are off to my stepdaughter in southern Ontario in the morning, and later on to north western Ontario to my step-son, I felt I had to reply now in case there is anything I can do to help.
Like you, I lack assertiveness (North Americans tend to say 'agression', same difference). I'm sure for me it arises from my rejection of being forced into the masculine box, but, whatever, it is there, and situations in life arise in which that and other inhibitions have to be pushed aside. In some of my posts I have talked about what I now call 'special resolutions'. I don't think these are unique to me - I think that they are the same thing that Abi Drew used to call self hypnosis (if I am wrong, I'm sure that she'll forgive me), and I think they can happen to anyone.. I don't seem to be able to bring them up to order, but they do seem to come along at crucial junctures in one's life, and then they enable you to achieve anything that is practical and necessary to carry you through and achieve what your soul, or whatever you like to call it, believes it is necessary to achieve, regardless of the inhibitions or lack of assertivenes that would otherwise stand in your way. Failure is not an option, and if it is necessary to take chances, those will work out - one seems to make one's own luck.
It seems to me that your state of mind as expressed in your post is just what for me might bring on an SR. Let's face it, you are in a situation in which the status quo is not an option. If you carry on the way you are you will be miserable and your marriage could well die on you as well. You have to take chances. I think you have to insist to your wife that your gender issues are real and beyond your power to resist, and that she has to decide whether she is coming along for what you do not pretend is an easy ride, or not. Of course this is taking a chance, but taking this or some chance is unavoidable if your life is to move forward One way or another it should work out for the best for all concerned, possibly much better than you currently think possible. And if indeed you can conjure an SR, then it will carry you right through to who knows where. I hope you can do it, and the very greatest of good luck if you do.
Many, many hugs, and go for it!
Love
This post was last modified: 11-07-2014, 07:15 AM by AnnieBL.
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