[Miranda-nata-est]

..... explain what had occurred in my life.

It has been bothering me that I have sort of dropped out of here and hadn't done so - particularly after so much help and assistance from so many from this site.

A couple of days ago, I sent a couple of Emails to a close friend who has been very dear to me from way back when - I have taken the liberty of concatenating them, exactly as originally written and attaching them here.

They go to explain my journey pretty well but are a bit long winded........


I have to give huge thanks to those who have helped me realise, at least in part, where I belong. The journey is far from over, the final destination still somewhat a mystery but at least I am now on the path. Despite the obstacles which still remain, I am happier and more self content than I have ever been. My whole world view and experience of the world has altered - I am seeing things as if for the very first time and this has been unexpected and at times overwhealming. A couple of days ago, we (my wife Vivien and I), were sitting in the sun watching the waves on the beach and I just experienced a complete emotional overload - floods of tears!!! It is actually great to be in touch with myself to this extent.

Anyway, this sounds like a goodbye but probably isn't. I'll continue to look in here and, now I've got things a bit more straight in my mind, I might once again chime in with my two cents worth from time to time.

Love

Miranda xx

---------------------------------

So I suppose it would make sense to start this at the very beginning, as
someone once said, it is a very good place to start.

The trouble is though, that I cannot really identify a clear point of
inception for all this; it has been more of a gradual drift. The medical
profession have apparently established a strong correlation between people who
exhibit male to female transgender characteristics (including late onset
transgenders like me) and mothers who were prescribed hormone treatments for
a variety of conditions during pregnancy.

It was quite odd how my understanding of this came about; one day a few weeks back, I
was reading a report describing these links and about a week later, mum
mentioned, out of the blue, that she had wondered if my 'condition' for want
of a better word (it isn't the correct word really) could be ascribed to the
fact she had been taking anti-abortion hormones whilst pregnant with me. Not
wanting to give her a guilt trip, I sort of played it down to her, but it
certainly might be a contributory factor and if so, then this was indeed 'the
very beginning'.

As I intimated before, I have been going through a great deal of
introspection regarding life to date and now think I see many, many events and
situations which may very well have been caused by a latent 'condition' but it
is so easy to mis-remember history and to falsely attribute those falsely
remembered feelings and characteristics to the current situation.

Nevertheless, I have always felt myself to be 'not the same' as others around
me and not particularly comfortable in public situations in which I should
really have been totally at ease. I am still attempting to rationalise all
this historical stuff, I am wary of making too much in the way of the past,
but still think that there were so many pointers that it seems likely the
condition has always been there, underlying the surface, at times closer to
making an appearance than at others.


I am going to get the time scales all wrong in this portrayal of the last 3
or 4 years or so. The whole period has been a bit of a jumbled blur with so
many different things happening within family and home as well as what has been
happening to me, so please forgive me if my chronological sequencing is nearly
as bad as that of the writer of Exodus.

This really kicked off noticeably about 3 or 4 years ago although I had no
idea what it was that was occurring at that time. I have always had issues
with penetrative sex , not the desire, not
the hydraulics, but always a mental issue which has caused a certain deflation
just at the wrong moment. It used to work well enough at times so I never
really worried too much about it especially as I used to think I had enough
empathy, imagination and skills to ensure sex sessions were always fun and
satisfying in other ways (spot the modesty again!!). However, at this time,
the irregular started to become the infrequent and I went off to the GP and
came back with the little blue tablet prescription. These sort of worked up
to a point, you might say, well they did for a while until we just sort of got
a bit fed up with relying on pills.

Sorry this is all about sex just now, the reason will become clear in a bit.
At this time, I believed that I was dealing entirely with a sex issue, I had
no idea what was going to unfold.

We (Vivien and I) still had a very active sex life and because of the issues,
Vivien began playing more and more with my chest which I found I really liked!
I mean really, really liked. The result of this was that my chest and nipples
began to become more and more sensitive and so a definite positive feedback
loop ensued - the more they got stimulated, the more sensitive they became
and so the more attention they received both from Vivien and from me.

We are probably now at about 2 years ago, and it was about this time that we
got asked if we would like to be part of a trial of a herbal based male
enhancement product - we were until very recently members of a sex toy testers
club and it was through them that this offer came.

Of course, we jumped at the chance. This stuff was dynamite!!!! I had never
known sex like it and so we continued with the product beyond the end of the
trial for about 6 months in total. Towards the end of this period though, I
noticed what I thought was a change in my chest and nipples. Vivien was sure
I was imagining it, but I was and am convinced that there was a slight sign of
growth - so much so, that I went to the GP and had various blood tests for
hormone levels which all came back normal (although they didn't check
Testosterone or Oestrogen somewhat surprisingly) It was suggested we hit the
capsules on the head though and this we somewhat sadly did.


This was not the end of it though. They continued to get more and more
sensitive and demand more and more attention. The summer before last through
to last summer was absolutely unbelievable. It got to a point whereby the
wind rippling my T-shirt was enough to give me orgasm after orgasm - it was a
disaster for getting anything achieved but boy was it an experience!!! More
to the point though, I became more and more convinced that they were showing
signs of continued growth.

Thus I resorted to your friend and mine 'Google' (I say friend somewhat
untruthfully),researching the compounds that were in these capsules and breast
growth in males. I very quickly happened upon an American site 'Breast
Nexus'. This site, originally for women engrossed in an assortment of natural
breast enhancement programmes, had expanded to include a huge sub set devoted
to males who were actively pursuing breast growth for a whole host of
different reasons. Absolutely fascinating stuff especially for someone who was
certain that their own breasts were changing.

The community there has some highly intellectual members and many with a
scientific background; as such it was fertile ground indeed for someone looking
for some answers as to what was occurring to them.

I became convinced that my breast change was, in fact nothing to do with the
capsules and everything to do with the massage and manipulation and, as I
liked what was happening, it seemed a good idea to continue down the paths
that others on the site were adopting. It didn't seem at all strange to want
to have larger boobs , I thought, at the time, that it was all about the sex
and the days spent in full on sexual tension and euphoric nipple induced
multiple orgasms, many times a day.

It didn't bother me that a high proportion of the males on the site eventually
realised that something else was occurring to them and left to join
transgender sites instead - I thought I knew what I was getting into and that
I was in complete control. How wrong was I ????

So now we have reached maybe 14 months ago . I am reading up everything I can
find about male breast enhancement, am regularly watching transgender and
lactation porn (I never used to bother much about porn at all - and don't
again now), and I am wondering how to progress this to the next level - it was
all a bit like a drug rush I guess - the more I got, the more I wanted.

So, soon after this, I began experimenting with some of the herbal compounds
that people on the site enthused about. I found a source for Pueraria Mirifica
here in the UK. This is the number one herbal choice for most serious breast
growth seekers, male and female. It contains the highest concentration of
phyto-oestrogens of any natural source and these phyto-oestrogens mimic the
actions of the major of the four main oestrogen components by binding to the
oestrogen receptors in the body exactly as do natural female oestrogens. I
also started playing with white peony and spearmint which are anti-andorogens,
reducing the testosterone level in the body as well as targhetting foods which
I knew to be a likely source of Oestrogen contamination.

The results were pretty amazing. My breasts began to turn female!!! I was
terrified initially, I felt hard lumps beginning to form behind the nipples
which was somewhat disconcerting. It turns out that this was the beginnings
of the milk duct structure forming although I didn't know it at the time.

I still though this was all to do with sex, or did I?? By now (about 12
months ago, I had changed my username at Breast Nexux to 'Miranda-nata-est'
and had started researching transgender websites. The peak of the heightened
sexual awareness had passed and things were beginning to settle down in this
area - however, knowing that it was not now just about ever higher and more
frequent orgasms did not detract from the fact that I just felt that what I
was doing was right for me. I liked what was occurring to me, I liked the
other very subtle changes to skin texture, the reduced body hair growth (I had
been shaving pretty much all over for some considerable time - like many
years), the way the hair on my head now had greater body and looked healthier,
but most of all, I liked how I felt mentally. I was becoming a more
emotionally connected person and, it is impossible to explain, but I just sort
of felt 'right' with what was happening.

I was taking Vivien with me through all this. She knew most of what I was
doing although I have to admit I didn't let on about the herbal stuff I was
taking for quite some time - like about 9 months ago I guess).

By now, I had realised that I was clearly on some sort of gender journey; hit
me on the head for long enough and I will spot the obvious!! Although I had
some inkling, I didn't really know where the journey was going to end up (I
still don't actually) but I had realised that I had never been on the 100%
male pole of the gender spectrum and I started delving into gender and what it
means in an effort to define 'what I was'.

I was also getting a bit concerned about the quantity of phyto-oestrogens and
anti-androgens I was taking and their possible long term health risks. Breast
Nexus had majored long and often on the need to ensure hormone levels were
within certain bounds to avoid all sorts of nasty issues. I had been getting
all sorts of advice from transgender contacts that I really, really needed to
see my GP for hormone level checks, but I had been putting this off big-time;
to do so would be to admit publicly to someone other than Vivien what was
going on; it took until last August to reach the point when this was
possible.

Spilling the beans actually happened in a rather bizarre fashion. I went to
the GP about an ingrowing toenail and saw a different GP to my normal one. He
decided to do routine blood tests (as I do blood pressure tablets) and to take
my BP. "Come back in a week" I was told. This I did and saw the same chap
again. Surprisingly the blood tests didn't reveal what I had been doing, but
when he said the blood pressure was a little high and was about to alter the
medication, I thought "I've got to tell him now as it might affect what he
prescribes". So it all poured out. Vivien was there. I ended up in tears
(relief mainly). The GP was fantastic!!!!! He suggested I return in a couple
of weeks by which time he had researched the options and found the NHS Laurels
gender clinic in Exeter; when he asked if I would like to be referred, I
nearly took his arm off!!!!

By this time I knew what it was about. I knew that things would never be the
same again and I knew with even more certainty, that the path I was on was
correct for me.

I decided that it was just too risky to continue with the herbal regime I was
on and so found a foreign source of genuine pharmaceuticals online which I can
get hold of without prescription. I am now doing Oestradiol (the major
oestrogen component), Spironolactone (an anti-androgen) and Finasteride(helps
prevent male pattern baldness). My usual Gp also now knows all including the
fact that I am self-medicating and has agreed to do regular blood tests to
ensure all is as it should be. Synthetic medication is significantly more
effective than the herbal regimes and I am now noticing very significant changes
in body and appearance.

It was a pretty major thing when I started telling people what was going on
but it has been an incredibly cathartic experience - just getting it 'out
there' has been such a tremendous relief. I now am not keeping it a secret
from anyone and am specifically telling most people who I see regularly - those
who might query the sudden change of dress sense, the jewellery and the switch
from Sure deodorant smell to Yves Sain Laurent Yvresse!!

This is still only scratching the surface of the journey to date.

Currently, I hope that The Laurels will agree that I am indeed a non polar
transgender and that way, I will get the hormone therapy on prescription and
probably via patches or monthly injection rather than pills. I don't foresee
any surgical options on the horizon but wouldn't rule them out either; two
years ago, I didn't know I would be writing from this perspective so who can
tell where the final destination lies for this journey

I cannot explain how my perceptions of the world have changed. It is as if
scales have fallen from my senses, everything has an emotional connection it
never had before. I am seeing things, hearing things experiencing things in a
completely novel manner - one which is just so much more 'me'.

I still cannot get to grips with what gender means though and how to define
where I lie on a gender scale. Everything ends up in circular reasoning based
on stereotyped male and female roles. Yet I do know, it feels highly
incongruous at times feeling feminine yet doing 'male type activities'.
Yesterday I was standing on a hedge with a chainsaw felling more trees for
Jeremy thinking 'this seems really, really odd' - but is it really?, I just
don't know..


It must be time for a green tea I think - no cold coffee required for now - am
on a weight loss thing. Shed two and a quarter stone and am now at about 12
stone. Had to be done, couldn't get into size 14 trousers!!!



---------------------------------------

I missed out quite a bit of the story now I re-read it - most of which is not
really that significant.

I should probably have mentioned though that we (Vivien and I) are now in the
Laurels system. There are 3 sessions at six week intervals with the
psychology team for assessment before one gets to see a Doctor. We attended
the first appointment about two months ago and were scheduled to attend the
second two weeks ago. Unfortunately this second meeting got postponed until
next Wednesday.

It was extremely nerve racking (minor understatement) waiting to see the
psychotherapist. I need not have worried though. The staff there are supreme
at their job and we were both completely relaxed with minutes of our arrival.

After checking with me, Vivien was asked if she would like to sit in on the
first session. This was a really 'good thing' on many levels. The session
itself was highly emotional but not really difficult at all. It was pretty
much a case of me wittering for an hour, detailing much of what I have put
down in writing to you.

The other amazingly 'good thing' is that they have also offered Vivien
counselling sessions to help her resolve the outstanding issues she still
faces. Thus on Wednesday whilst I am being 'analysed' some more, Vivien will
also be getting help.

[sfem]

That's quite a journey. Thank you for sharing it. I hope everything works out well for both of you.

[Jodee2b]

Thanks Miranda for sharing your story - I can certainly relate to the mental confusion and feminine feelings driving the desire to achieve the vision. You're further down the path than me, but to be or not to be, that is the question

Please keep sharing your story.....

Jodee[/i]

[jannet.duff]

Having your spouse on board can defiantly help, and your correct to assume you will both need some counseling. It is a tough road to tread for both parties.

The best of luck to both of you.