[Miranda-nata-est]

Until recently, I had thought that my path through the transition process was fairly clear and that I could see the steps that inevitably lay in my future. This may well still be the case, but I have recently been giving thought as to what I actually NEED' to do to myself and more importantly why and to distinguish this from stuff that would fall into the category of 'it would be nice'.

I guess these questions might have arisen in my mind as a result of the atypical way in which I found the female within, but they might have crossed the minds of others.

Now my mind is living in the world of oestrogen, I am in many ways completely mentally at peace and content. The missing element in life has been found and corrected. Because I am, to some extent, comfortable in my own skin, it is crossing my mind as to whether I personally need to worry about travelling the FFS route or even the Voice training/surgery. What would be my motivation in putting myself through these costly and painful procedures?.

Mulling over this issue, I quickly realised that this is again a very difficult question to answer and is all tied up with stereotyped views, both personal and societal, of how a typical female looks and acts and, when analysed more deeply, goes right back to the question that I find impossible to answer definitively and that is 'What is gender other than a self based subjective feeling'? The problem with a self based subjective feeling however is that it circles back to and is inevitably based on a stereotyped world view. Perhaps from personal experience I might attempt to answer the question by saying that the real differentiator for me was getting my female mind running on predominantly E and not T - it was a mis-match between the 'mechanics' of my brain and the hormone 'oil' that was best suited to it.

So, having got this bit right, what do I Need to do now.... It is so easy to jump onto the transition merry-go-round and to just blindly assume that all the physical processes that are available are a de-facto necessity and are an absolute requirement to living a happy contented life as a transgender. Just at this moment I am a bit unsure about this and am in a state of re-evaluation.

On the whole, I am fairly happy with where I am at the moment. I like the freedom to be me in everything I do, I love the new outlook I have on the world and the emotional involvement I now have in most of the things I see and do. I get called sir/madam on about a 50/50 ratio when out and about without make-up - I've yet to get organised on the make-up front but hopefully that will improve my 'passing' (I hate that concept actually) but then - does the need to 'pass' 100% really matter as long as I am me? I don't get any hassle at all in my interaction with the outside world - in fact to date my experience has been exactly the opposite and I am just accepted - probably more accepted than when I was living as a male.

So, why change???

GRS, for me, is a certainty in the future for practical as well as psychological reasons but certainly is not the route taken by all transwomen. However, just at the moment I am less certain about some of the other options. I am trying to work out what the prime motivation is for me to want these changes and to determine whether the reasons are in fact valid.

Despite all the positives to date, there is still a strong desire inside to get my outside appearance more in line with what I feel inside - but why do I have this desire? Am I not just as female if I stay as I am?


Almost certainly this is just another of those check points on the journey of discovery of self but I do think it is important to attempt to rationalise some of this stuff rather than to just unthinkingly blunder down the path.

[CalmlyAndrogynous]

I am having similar thoughts myself. For career reasons, I will continue to present as male for the next couple of years probably even though I am starting HRT.

At present, what is important to me is who I feel like inside. Am i being true to myself. That is what seems to be important.

I can't see the attributes that are most important to me changing, that is my ethics, empathy for others, and general beliefs.

I am not so sure about GRS. As a married person who is unlikely to change orientation, a new canal would go unused (maybe I lack imagination). Testes though are a symbol of the masculine for me much more than the phallus. Penis == Big Clit.

So, I guess we all have to work out what is important to us. How we see ourselves is important, but do you see yourself in the reflection of other people's eyes or through your own.

How much do you feel you right now? How much does it matter to you what those close to you think? Does it matter to you what strangers think?

For me, I think as long as there are not too many things that are too overtly masculine, things that break me out of my self image of what I should be, I will be ok. Testes, facial and body hair, and general body shape are high on my list.

Going further also conflicts with my other goal of not retiring on the poverty line.

[bobie]

Im never good with words so i hope the following makes sense, you may be happy and at peace with who you are but you may end up doing ffs, speech therapy & or voice surgery not because you want to or really need to but just because it makes blending in easier, its annoying when in your head your female, you have a female name, you dress and live your life as female yet the world doesnt always see you that way, you dont "blend" all or even most of the time, well this is my opinion anyway based on how i feel, i hate being sir'd and i have recently come to realise just what an issue my voice is for me, more so as my appearance changes and i present in a more feminine way, im actually already doing speech therapy (which the nhs covers btw) which has also made me realise just what a lot of work i have ahead in order to get a reasonable voice, with you on the makeup i really wish i knew what i was doing or had someone to teach me so if you find someone please let me know!

CalmlyAndrogynous, grs is a tricky one isnt it, i dont really know what my orientation is at the moment but would consider myself as bisexual leaning more towards a lesbian relationship, which actually makes it a tougher call, while i hate my male genitals, tucking, ahem bulges and not to mention erections despite near non existent levels of testosterone i cant help but wonder how i would have a fulfilling sexual relationship with another female post grs, i know it shouldn't matter, we would be just like any other lesbian couple but i also realise a lot of how we feel about our genitals is in our minds and not to go into too much detail but can use mine when thinking of them as female, just not in the traditional male way which makes me wonder if i can keep the penis, but then girls dont usually have a penis for some its not an easy decision, i guess its better to do nothing until your 100% than have regrets

[flamesabers]

Hello Miranda.

I'm not sure of the statistics, but I have read that not all transsexuals go down the SRS route. It may be some lack the money to do so or others lack the medical resources for the surgery. Still others I think may be happy with just being seen and treated as a female in society. Not having SRS doesn't make you any less of a transsexual I think. If you can tolerate having male parts I suggest staying the course. If it becomes too much, I think SRS would be a good option for you then.

[Miranda-nata-est]

Thanks for the input folks. I guess this was a somewhat rhetorical question really.. a bit of thinking out loud.

I reckon the route is still fairly well mapped out ahead and FFS certainly features heavily on that path.

Sometimes though, it is good just to take stock and think about options and how these choices fit with one's individual perception of life, the universe and everything.

Miranda