So, I started writing this over on the poll, "http://www.breastnexus.com/showthread.php?tid=23866"
But I was going way OT, so - moved to here. OTOH, maybe it should be elsewhere? I'll leave that for the Mods to determine, and re-home it if needed.
So, a lot of the background has to do with theories on why we are this way. you know the hormone wash theories, maybe this will make more sense.
But we've had several members posting about how they were or weren't masculine or feminine (http://www.breastnexus.com/showthread.php?tid=23838&page=3 - start @ post 23), and reading the stories was VERY interesting... It was like, "That's me!" "That's me, too!" Etc.
But for me, it's REALLY F'ed up. I was sort of a brain (but that's big fish in little pond), not "normal" compared to the rough-and-tumble boys at that school; developed feminine mannerisms, never had that "girls have cooties" attitude, was always "chesty," was "the wimp" in gym class, and ... Always envied the girls' appearances. Flat front, cute swimsuits, they got better treatment, were attentive in class and got good grades, etc, etc, etc. - like how I behaved and thought.
And then I turned into this "monster" as I grew up (seriously, couldn't fit through a standard 30" doorway unless I turned - shoulders got pinned when I tried it!)
Bump into things that aren't where they should be in relation to "me" - like, the spirit is size "00" and expects the body to be, too - but the body is more like Linebacker "XXL" - so shoulders, butt, knees, arms all get bruised, or tangled up in the surroundings...
Sorry, going WAY OT.
It's just sort of "funny" in a tragi-comedy sense.
But, what I was getting to is - I then started to learn about this stuff, nascent internet - and learned transition was possible.
And then learned the hard way about "pink fog" (Applies to me... but note the "monster" bit above).
Nothing like the feeling of breasts growing...
And then, when feeling "good", and wrestling... Get a boob shot. And instead of screaming in pain, just get this little Mona Lisa smile, and no one understands WHY you're smiling....
And then you need to stop everything....
And life throws a curve ball, you use Progesterone and the mind goes haywire in a developmental sense, and you're thinking more "male"...
And eventually nothing is "right" any more because you're trying to avoid the whole MESS... Boost Testosterone levels, it increases DHT, and the DHT then pushes you towards, "WANT! ESTROGEN!" (Anne Vitale wrote on this: http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm)
And somehow, it's like a switch is thrown, and some things just don't gel any more - not a man, but the masculine mask is who you are; but lots of feminine mannerisms, still, in tiny things people don't notice - but as the "driver of the bus," you know what's happening, that rear-end wiggle, the slip in the transmission, the bare rim on the front driver's side wheel... (E.G.: Rear end wiggle from hip shape; attraction cues to the "other" sex - which doesn't quite apply, as there is no "other" any more...; the sudden LOSS of the Deltoids, despite weight lifting - OHP @ 120#, tiny weight for a man - huge weight for a woman. But the deltoids are disintegrating, DESPITE no Estrogen, WHILE lifting....?
But now the brain is better, there's less DHT (Saw Palmetto and Reishi Mushroom capsules)... And less need for Estrogen... But can't act like "THE MAN" because of that same DHT being lacking... E.G., no drive to conquer; no male orgasm; less "taking charge." (Hard to do when you have a control-freak partner, but still.)
But herbal Estrogen isn't having any real effect... Herbals aren't bringing the calm they used to.
Confusing... And life throws a curve ball again, with a salary reduction that will make discretionary buying a thing of the past. And yes, hormones are "discretionary" when we talk about food and transport to/from work. No transport = no job, etc.
How does one sort things out when the whole world is spinning like you're playing "Crack the whip"? You KNOW that you're going to go spinning off into something hard, just a question of what you hit, and where exactly you land...
Turning it around: What's the point of being male if you don't have (and cannot afford) the results? (Cannot afford: Dad nearly died on the table from prostate surgery. Three times. 8 hours of surgery. NO. THANK. YOU.)
Being bald like a cue ball? Atrophied muscles (side effect of DHT - tight, strong, but no muscle tone or size)? Inability to sleep through the night? Inability to think? Short temper? Irascible, unfriendly, hostile disposition? WTF is the value of that? I'm not really social, but still want to have SOME friends - SOME social interactions, beyond just work and home (second work).
Sometimes it's like, been beaten fro so many directions, you don't even know who or what you are any more. I can understand why some turn to drugs and alcohol - only way to escape being YOU. And I've used alcohol that way now and again - you feel the rage building up, you just drink yourself stupid so you can pass out; tomorrow's another day, and the brain chemistry will sort itself out... Hopefully. But you throw in a monkeywrench for good measure with the hangover, so things will at least be redirected... :-)
It also makes me wonder: what good can a therapist do at this point? So many interlaced problems, a world that seems to WANT to fall apart, is choosing oblivion (It's mostly like Humpty Dumpty in "Alice Through the Looking Glass: "When I use a word, it means precisely what I want it to mean, nothing more, nothing less." So, up is down, and down is sideways, until you want up to mean sideways, and down to mean diagonal... Long story, but that's what our legal system is becoming. And so is much of life.... "Freedom in chains", essentially, to reference another title.)
And then, looping back to the purpose of this forum: Is all of this because I'm taking maca in the evenings, while taking Saw Palmetto and Reishi Mushroom in the morning...? EG, reverse the "pink fog" and turn it into pea-soup fog? The mind maybe just isn't working...? For comparison, the political views don't change either way; but is the mental processing being impeded somehow? Like an engine starved of gas...? *Choke* *Choke* *Sputter* (runs normal for a few feet) *Choke* *Choke* *Sputter* (Dies as tank is completely dry)? Or maybe, like a Diesel that someone's put normal gas in, but it was a half-tank... so the diesel can choke along a bit, but it's dying inside...?
Anyway, going to get really rambling here, so I'll just end this one...
But has anyone else been through similar?
But I was going way OT, so - moved to here. OTOH, maybe it should be elsewhere? I'll leave that for the Mods to determine, and re-home it if needed.
So, a lot of the background has to do with theories on why we are this way. you know the hormone wash theories, maybe this will make more sense.
But we've had several members posting about how they were or weren't masculine or feminine (http://www.breastnexus.com/showthread.php?tid=23838&page=3 - start @ post 23), and reading the stories was VERY interesting... It was like, "That's me!" "That's me, too!" Etc.
But for me, it's REALLY F'ed up. I was sort of a brain (but that's big fish in little pond), not "normal" compared to the rough-and-tumble boys at that school; developed feminine mannerisms, never had that "girls have cooties" attitude, was always "chesty," was "the wimp" in gym class, and ... Always envied the girls' appearances. Flat front, cute swimsuits, they got better treatment, were attentive in class and got good grades, etc, etc, etc. - like how I behaved and thought.
And then I turned into this "monster" as I grew up (seriously, couldn't fit through a standard 30" doorway unless I turned - shoulders got pinned when I tried it!)
Bump into things that aren't where they should be in relation to "me" - like, the spirit is size "00" and expects the body to be, too - but the body is more like Linebacker "XXL" - so shoulders, butt, knees, arms all get bruised, or tangled up in the surroundings...
Sorry, going WAY OT.
It's just sort of "funny" in a tragi-comedy sense.
But, what I was getting to is - I then started to learn about this stuff, nascent internet - and learned transition was possible.
And then learned the hard way about "pink fog" (Applies to me... but note the "monster" bit above).
Nothing like the feeling of breasts growing...
And then, when feeling "good", and wrestling... Get a boob shot. And instead of screaming in pain, just get this little Mona Lisa smile, and no one understands WHY you're smiling....
And then you need to stop everything....
And life throws a curve ball, you use Progesterone and the mind goes haywire in a developmental sense, and you're thinking more "male"...
And eventually nothing is "right" any more because you're trying to avoid the whole MESS... Boost Testosterone levels, it increases DHT, and the DHT then pushes you towards, "WANT! ESTROGEN!" (Anne Vitale wrote on this: http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm)
And somehow, it's like a switch is thrown, and some things just don't gel any more - not a man, but the masculine mask is who you are; but lots of feminine mannerisms, still, in tiny things people don't notice - but as the "driver of the bus," you know what's happening, that rear-end wiggle, the slip in the transmission, the bare rim on the front driver's side wheel... (E.G.: Rear end wiggle from hip shape; attraction cues to the "other" sex - which doesn't quite apply, as there is no "other" any more...; the sudden LOSS of the Deltoids, despite weight lifting - OHP @ 120#, tiny weight for a man - huge weight for a woman. But the deltoids are disintegrating, DESPITE no Estrogen, WHILE lifting....?
But now the brain is better, there's less DHT (Saw Palmetto and Reishi Mushroom capsules)... And less need for Estrogen... But can't act like "THE MAN" because of that same DHT being lacking... E.G., no drive to conquer; no male orgasm; less "taking charge." (Hard to do when you have a control-freak partner, but still.)
But herbal Estrogen isn't having any real effect... Herbals aren't bringing the calm they used to.
Confusing... And life throws a curve ball again, with a salary reduction that will make discretionary buying a thing of the past. And yes, hormones are "discretionary" when we talk about food and transport to/from work. No transport = no job, etc.
How does one sort things out when the whole world is spinning like you're playing "Crack the whip"? You KNOW that you're going to go spinning off into something hard, just a question of what you hit, and where exactly you land...
Turning it around: What's the point of being male if you don't have (and cannot afford) the results? (Cannot afford: Dad nearly died on the table from prostate surgery. Three times. 8 hours of surgery. NO. THANK. YOU.)
Being bald like a cue ball? Atrophied muscles (side effect of DHT - tight, strong, but no muscle tone or size)? Inability to sleep through the night? Inability to think? Short temper? Irascible, unfriendly, hostile disposition? WTF is the value of that? I'm not really social, but still want to have SOME friends - SOME social interactions, beyond just work and home (second work).
Sometimes it's like, been beaten fro so many directions, you don't even know who or what you are any more. I can understand why some turn to drugs and alcohol - only way to escape being YOU. And I've used alcohol that way now and again - you feel the rage building up, you just drink yourself stupid so you can pass out; tomorrow's another day, and the brain chemistry will sort itself out... Hopefully. But you throw in a monkeywrench for good measure with the hangover, so things will at least be redirected... :-)
It also makes me wonder: what good can a therapist do at this point? So many interlaced problems, a world that seems to WANT to fall apart, is choosing oblivion (It's mostly like Humpty Dumpty in "Alice Through the Looking Glass: "When I use a word, it means precisely what I want it to mean, nothing more, nothing less." So, up is down, and down is sideways, until you want up to mean sideways, and down to mean diagonal... Long story, but that's what our legal system is becoming. And so is much of life.... "Freedom in chains", essentially, to reference another title.)
And then, looping back to the purpose of this forum: Is all of this because I'm taking maca in the evenings, while taking Saw Palmetto and Reishi Mushroom in the morning...? EG, reverse the "pink fog" and turn it into pea-soup fog? The mind maybe just isn't working...? For comparison, the political views don't change either way; but is the mental processing being impeded somehow? Like an engine starved of gas...? *Choke* *Choke* *Sputter* (runs normal for a few feet) *Choke* *Choke* *Sputter* (Dies as tank is completely dry)? Or maybe, like a Diesel that someone's put normal gas in, but it was a half-tank... so the diesel can choke along a bit, but it's dying inside...?
Anyway, going to get really rambling here, so I'll just end this one...
But has anyone else been through similar?
