15-11-2016, 08:53 PM
OMG! these last 2 days have been Insane!
yesterday evening I was laying here on my bed, exhausted from the day when for no real reason a Memory came to me, a memory of my Pink Lady.
She`s about 5 inch tall and the base of her dress is also about 5 inch around, she`s made purely of pastel pink plastic and was Once upon a time used to hold (I beleive) Face Powder way back in the late 50s.
She`s the last peice to my Puzzel! my Vindicator! my Proof!
you see I still Have her! she`s the Only Toy I have from my childhood and the only toy I have any clear and specific memories of from my earliest age.
Shes been with me Everywhere, all around the world, and always Hidden somewhere, hiden so well I might add that I`d forgotten that I even had her!
A few days ago on saturday I met with MeganJ and we went to a reasonably local LGBT support group together, En Femme!
I cant describe how much I enjoyed it and how effortless it was to be myself And have no worries, fear or nervousness at all?
for me the Best bits were when we were outside amongst "Normal" people and no one even gave a second look! it was almost Too easy!
Combined with a sort of friendly "Pressure" to do something about it by my peers, and them trying to convince me that I pass and that I am a Woman very frequently despite my doubts, and finding their certainty amongs my many doubts very seductive.
the whole lot came together and hit me really Hard! after nearly 2 solid hours of tears, I realise they Are right! and I know it now, I need to stop running! (even though I didn`t think I was).
holding my pink lady and sobbing my heart out for 2 hours made me realise all the peices are there now, My favorite toy from when I was a little girl still here, mountains of evidence that I`v been so Blind to somehow!? Male failing near constantly now, enough that I don`t even feel anything when it happens anymore.
I accept myself now, I Am and always have been a Girl! I just forgot it somehow along the way
I feel like someone that has had amnesia, and I keep getting little flashbacks every now and then but never the full picture, my Pink Lady was the memory trigger and it`s all come back.
I Know who I am now.
yesterday evening I was laying here on my bed, exhausted from the day when for no real reason a Memory came to me, a memory of my Pink Lady.
She`s about 5 inch tall and the base of her dress is also about 5 inch around, she`s made purely of pastel pink plastic and was Once upon a time used to hold (I beleive) Face Powder way back in the late 50s.
She`s the last peice to my Puzzel! my Vindicator! my Proof!
you see I still Have her! she`s the Only Toy I have from my childhood and the only toy I have any clear and specific memories of from my earliest age.
Shes been with me Everywhere, all around the world, and always Hidden somewhere, hiden so well I might add that I`d forgotten that I even had her!
A few days ago on saturday I met with MeganJ and we went to a reasonably local LGBT support group together, En Femme!
I cant describe how much I enjoyed it and how effortless it was to be myself And have no worries, fear or nervousness at all?
for me the Best bits were when we were outside amongst "Normal" people and no one even gave a second look! it was almost Too easy!
Combined with a sort of friendly "Pressure" to do something about it by my peers, and them trying to convince me that I pass and that I am a Woman very frequently despite my doubts, and finding their certainty amongs my many doubts very seductive.
the whole lot came together and hit me really Hard! after nearly 2 solid hours of tears, I realise they Are right! and I know it now, I need to stop running! (even though I didn`t think I was).
holding my pink lady and sobbing my heart out for 2 hours made me realise all the peices are there now, My favorite toy from when I was a little girl still here, mountains of evidence that I`v been so Blind to somehow!? Male failing near constantly now, enough that I don`t even feel anything when it happens anymore.
I accept myself now, I Am and always have been a Girl! I just forgot it somehow along the way
I feel like someone that has had amnesia, and I keep getting little flashbacks every now and then but never the full picture, my Pink Lady was the memory trigger and it`s all come back.
I Know who I am now.
