[Shawna-lee]

So, I found this local organization that supports transgender people, and assists with the process of transitioning. I have just returned from my first, albeit short & concise, meeting. The person that I dealt with is a transgender woman who is very feminine in all aspects. I honestly felt like a neanderthal ape overdosed on testosterone next to her. I'm certainly not an alpha male, and I have feminine-like body language, but I'm definitely not girly.

The emotions that I experienced driving away from the meeting are totally foreign to me. I felt inadequate and I started thinking that I'm only fooling myself that I could ever truly be female gendered. My reality is that I don't mind my male genitalia, but my mind is screaming female, to the point of desperation. There has been talk on this forum about the head noise; I have been obsessed and have thought of nothing else for at least six months after realizing that I may have an identity issue - the head noise is driving me crazy.

I'm physically at the point of tears, and I'm literally experiencing heartache at the flicker of doubt regarding my femininity.

[Happyme]

Welcome to our world Shawna,
Your story is nothing new, and like others before you, I would suggest you find a gender therapist to help clear up the pink fog your in.
We are here to help as well but having a one on one is very beneficial.
Bobbi

[The First Aria]

So, I found this local organization that supports transgender people, and assists with the process of transitioning. I have just returned from my first, albeit short & concise, meeting. The person that I dealt with is a transgender woman who is very feminine in all aspects. I honestly felt like a neanderthal ape overdosed on testosterone next to her. I'm certainly not an alpha male, and I have feminine-like body language, but I'm definitely not girly.

The emotions that I experienced driving away from the meeting are totally foreign to me. I felt inadequate and I started thinking that I'm only fooling myself that I could ever truly be female gendered. My reality is that I don't mind my male genitalia, but my mind is screaming female, to the point of desperation. There has been talk on this forum about the head noise; I have been obsessed and have thought of nothing else for at least six months after realizing that I may have an identity issue - the head noise is driving me crazy.

I'm physically at the point of tears, and I'm literally experiencing heartache at the flicker of doubt regarding my femininity.

I feel for you.  Maybe it didn't hit me as hard as it seems to have you, but I can identify.  What makes it even worse is that a lot of the transgender community only understands "All or nothing" idea.  That a person is truly not transgender if they don't HATE any and all male attributes.  I mean that if you are not planning SRS, then some even here feel like you are a person who is just in for the fetish of having breasts.

You can look on Youtube and get a great idea that quite a few probably felt they would never pass as a woman to begin with.  And yet, they can and do pass for CIS women.  50% is in your head, 25% is your body and 25% is your willingness to adapt.  Anyways, that is the idea of my therapist.

I wish you good luck in you epic quest of self discovery.

[Shawna-lee]

Thank you for your comments. She is arranging an appointment with a psychologist for me, and the appointment should be before mid June. If anything, I hate my face, but definitely not my privates. At this moment I don't have any intention of SRS, I am attracted to women sexually, and presenting as a female and passing hasn't really been a big deal for me - I'll cross those bridges in due course. Right now I am focused on having a female body to align with my mind; wider hips, slim waist, and breasts. I hope that this 'pink fog' isn't just a passing phase, or a fetish of some sort.

[MeganJ]

So, I found this local organization that supports transgender people, and assists with the process of transitioning. I have just returned from my first, albeit short & concise, meeting. The person that I dealt with is a transgender woman who is very feminine in all aspects. I honestly felt like a neanderthal ape overdosed on testosterone next to her. I'm certainly not an alpha male, and I have feminine-like body language, but I'm definitely not girly.

The emotions that I experienced driving away from the meeting are totally foreign to me. I felt inadequate and I started thinking that I'm only fooling myself that I could ever truly be female gendered. My reality is that I don't mind my male genitalia, but my mind is screaming female, to the point of desperation. There has been talk on this forum about the head noise; I have been obsessed and have thought of nothing else for at least six months after realizing that I may have an identity issue - the head noise is driving me crazy.

I'm physically at the point of tears, and I'm literally experiencing heartache at the flicker of doubt regarding my femininity.

I feel for you.  Maybe it didn't hit me as hard as it seems to have you, but I can identify.  What makes it even worse is that a lot of the transgender community only understands "All or nothing" idea.  That a person is truly not transgender if they don't HATE any and all male attributes.  I mean that if you are not planning SRS, then some even here feel like you are a person who is just in for the fetish of having breasts.

You can look on Youtube and get a great idea that quite a few probably felt they would never pass as a woman to begin with.  And yet, they can and do pass for CIS women.  50% is in your head, 25% is your body and 25% is your willingness to adapt.  Anyways, that is the idea of my therapist.

I wish you good luck in you epic quest of self discovery.

Sounds quite similar to a lot of my own fears.....but then I think women come in all shapes and sizes and some are very feminine in presentation and others less so. 

I definitely agree with aria though that a lot of it is in your own head. I look at it this way though when i compare myself to most males I definitely look way more feminine than they do and way less masculine. Plus for me its all about quietening that voice in my head, for the first time in ages I don't have that static feeling in my head. For me just getting rid of that is what i wanted, the rest is just a bonus. 

For me the idea is to just blend in, whilst hyper fem works for some it also makes them stand out. Ideally you want to be femme enough not to stand out but not overly so that you get attention of another kind. 

Body language and attitude can make a big difference so if you have some of that sorted already you should be fine! 

Also agree re srs, for me it isn't a must do or must have. It doesn't make me feel any more or less womanly having the thing there and to me there are a lot of risks involved in the operation as well. 

You aren't alone in feeling like you'll never measure up though but if at the start of the journey remember it is just that the start and a lot can and will change!

Megan

[jannet.duff]

Your feeling exactly how I feel myself. I am not full time, in male mode I look and pass as people expect me to be. So, in the begining I hated looking at myself in the mirror when i crossdressed. I looked like a weird fool, a pervert, it disgusted me. But in my head I had this noise, this noise has been there since I was 4. After a life time of looking, and acting as people expected me to be ( something I got quite good at btw ), the noise was starting to consume me. In my later years, loosing my hair was starting to effect me too. As google is a great resource, i started looking up herbal remedies for hair loss. It turns out most herbal remidies also carry a risk of breast growth in males, that started me off on NBE. A few more google searches found this awesome site. The stronger herbs eventually helped quiten that noise ( for a while at least ) the added breast growth was a bonus. 
Your not alone in your feelings, SRS is not something i feel i just HAVE to do. I have a few transfriends that feel the same, and others that have either had it done or are going for it. My support network is very open, no one calls anyone out for not feeling like you need SRS.
As for my first paragraph above, i go out more and more as Jannet, i even flew to the UK and spent the whole week as my true self, and was openly excepted every where i went. If anyone noticed, no one said a word, or indicated they realized i was not female. So as pointed out by another poster, most of this not passing is in our heads. 
We have to understand the limitations of our bodies. My older male body is never going to pass as the 20 year old that i see in my head. I can however blend in well with older females.

[Shawna-lee]

Thanks once again for the comments; makes me realize that I'm not the only one with these insecurities. Just like you Jannet, I stumbled across this transgender thing totally by accident and a light went on in my head - things started to make sense. I've always had a sense that I wasn't all male, but the role needed to play out as expected. 

I recall reading an article in a magazine when I was still at school. It was about these men in Brazil that had breast augmentation, long gorgeous hair, looked like beautiful women, and worked as prostitutes. Of course it was 'disgusting' and we all made fun of them, but in my mind I was intrigued. Now many years later, almost at the age of 45, I find myself staring down that same barrel.

I'm also experiencing hair loss, and believe me, it irks me that I will always have this bald patch on my head, and a bit of an island at the front of my head. I'm growing my hair out and it seems to be doing a good job of hiding it a little.

[polymorphis]

Dear Shawna,

I think your post very nicely describes the thing many transgender people experience. What you felt was stronger bout of gender dysphoria. I can relate... I feel it often.

Sadness, pain, desperation... There are many instances I am not able te bear it I cry.

And I never know what could trigger it. I can see totally beautiful woman and feel nothing more than just a small sting of envy. Then I see another one, sometimes even plainly looking woman, for example just sitting normally in a café, and I am overwhelmed by emotions. Maybe the normality of that situation, how natural and normal it is for her to live a normal life, kind of life which I was not able to live and which I will not be able to live without paying too high of a prize. Extremely strong trigger is to visit a theater and see all those women in formal attire... And then I see my own reflection...

Heh, I am crying even now, just thinking about it.

And yes, feeling of inadequacy is one of those strong emotions. Feeling that what I did and what I can do is just not enough...

Interestingly, I've realized only recently that those feelings were with me since my early puberty. I just used to clench my teeth and I tried to overcome it with effort to be more perfect in what I did - studying, work, exercising. Although I knew I was transgender, I naively thought that those feelings are just my way to feel attraction towards women. Human psyche is so apt to deceive itself. I was not able to connect all the dots.

I really would like to be able to help you with some guidance. But I myself don't know how to easily overcome those bouts and waves of dysphoria.

What does not help me and makes dysphoria stronger: listening to sad music, alcohol, thinking about how desperate and sad I am.

What helps me: crying, letting the emotions out, doing something to be more feminine, making actual steps forward.

*hugs*

Poly

[Shawna-lee]

Thanks Poly for that. I think to a certain degree I'm still in denial - I feel like I could easily just take feminizing hormones and carry on living and presenting as a male. I guess it's an unrealistic notion though, and what I see on this forum seems to confirm it - once it get's you it doesn't let go. I have even considered if I'm a woman 'trapped' in a man's body or a man 'trapped' in a woman's mind. Would it not be easier to align my mind with my body instead of the other way around?

I have been a Boudoir photographer for the last several years (hobbyist), and I realized a short while ago that I actually have been somewhat envious of the women I photograph. Basically what you have experienced observing other women. When I see their naked bodies, the beautiful lingerie, the charm, femininity, and the mannerisms, I imagine that it's me and I look gorgeous ...... then I see myself in a mirror and ......... 

[The First Aria]

Thanks Poly for that. I think to a certain degree I'm still in denial - I feel like I could easily just take feminizing hormones and carry on living and presenting as a male. I guess it's an unrealistic notion though, and what I see on this forum seems to confirm it - once it get's you it doesn't let go. I have even considered if I'm a woman 'trapped' in a man's body or a man 'trapped' in a woman's mind. Would it not be easier to align my mind with my body instead of the other way around?

I have been a Boudoir photographer for the last several years (hobbyist), and I realized a short while ago that I actually have been somewhat envious of the women I photograph. Basically what you have experienced observing other women. When I see their naked bodies, the beautiful lingerie, the charm, femininity, and the mannerisms, I imagine that it's me and I look gorgeous ...... then I see myself in a mirror and ......... 

Shawna, your first paragraph, IMO, is set to a false premise.Estrogen, is not a mind altering drug, in itself.  I like to think of it as a strong aspirin.  All it does for most people is clear their minds.  Helps them think more rationally for some, gives strength to others to explore.  I am of still firm belief, that if you want, and have the desire to walk the feminine, as well as masculine side of the fence at the same time.  Plus focus yourself to do so, to whatever degree, E helps you.

It's only for the ones that have NOT realized that they have been lying to themselves all or most of their lives they are male that when they indulge, they get hooked.  The reason is like the reason I gave you above.

My hips are starting to "bloom", my breasts are starting to fill out and around, but for me, that's a good thing.  I can still balance my "maleness" with my need to be feminine on my terms, not others.  E will NOT force me, but my own character, desire etc. to "turn in my Man Card".