[CM213]

I have recently accepted that I'm trans or at the very min gender fluid. That being said I have made a promise to myself to start living my life the way I want to and to start being the person I have always envisioned myself to be (and that person is almost always feminine or a full blown woman) regardless of the external factors.  This is a choice that has already improved my mental state and general mindset greatly.

So I start this thread as a journal to document my early stages of transition. Since I made this promise to myself I have wained slowly off all testosterone boosting supplements and anabolic performance drugs in order to allow my body to reset and get back to it's normal state of balance. In doing so I have also used what many bodybuilders have used in the past when coming off cycle or post cycle therapy. I have used clomid, nolvadex and Hcg injections to help my body return to normal function as quickly as possible. 

This is the most common go to post cycle therapy for body builders coming off steroids. It is supposed to return function of the testicles quicker so there is not as much of a drop of testosterone in ones system, as the synthetic hormone is stopped, therefore allowing the subject to have less side affects coming off and not have as much muscle waste while waiting for their nature production to return to normal levels.

 A study showed that this combo helped reduce the time it takes to return to normal levels of testosterone in 3-6 months while those who did not use it,  took 6-12 months some even longer to return to normal T levels. 

So I am currently not taking anything. I have stopped steroids and test boosters and estrogen blockers since may. I just finished my post cycle therapy of HCG, clomid, and nolvadex here the second week of June. Now I will continue to wait and let my body return to what ever normal levels it can by the end of the summer. 

In the mean time I have purchased 10 bottles of Swanson's b.o and pituitary glandular as the foundation of my next nbe routine. I will gather other supporting supplements like red reshi, msm, s.p, green tea extract, progesterone cream and dhea. Progesterone and dhea will be saved for later use in the program. 

I plan to start September time frame. Which I will move at a very slow speed of 1 capsule of bo and pituitary glad a day for a month. I will start with half dose of the supporting supplements for the first month. The second month depending on how my body reacts I will go to full recommend dose for all supporting supplements. And I will increase bo and pituitary glad to 2 cap's a day for the duration of the second month which I will then re access and make changes. 

So far my biggest hurdle is the loss of strength and weight. It is playing some wicked games on my mind, this is Assuming I can get passed the mental barrier of becoming smaller, weaker and having less muscle and not abandon my plans to stay off steroids for good. So far I have lost 15 lbs. I started at 210 and now I am hovering around 195. I am leaner, I feel healthier carrying less weight around. I still look very muscular, but very deflated from how I look at 210 and on steroids.

So again my biggest challenge right now till I start in September is to stay true to my intentions and my promise to myself and not relapse and start taking testosterone again. 

I will keep this updated as things change and I will post states here from how my body has changed from just ceasing all forms of testosterone that is not naturally produced in my body.

[CM213]

I am not sure how long I will try this herbal pathway to transition, I do have an appointment with my primary care physician in late July as well as getting set up with my local VA health care gender affirming care team which will walk me through everything the v/a has to offer for gender affirming care. So there may be a good chance instead of starting herbal supplements as the beginning of my transition, that I might end up on legitimate HRT sometime late summer/early fall.  

We will see. But until then my plan is to run a b.o. based program to start off with, since I feel the affects will be slower than HRT and this will give my spouse sometime, time to come to terms and do what ever she feels she needs to do, also time to see that changes won't happen over night and that the physical and mental changes could be for the better. As far as I'm concerned I feel the changes would be for the better but I know that is my biased opinion for myself and partly a selfish opinion as well. She is on the opposite side of this and where I see a positive she may see a negative outcome, but who knows. 

That's why I feel a slow start with open communication will benefit us both.

[HelloDiDi]

Congrats on having such well laid out plan and knowing what to do next.   Its a huge step to take and patience will pay off. You will likely find your starting point becoming very useful in the long run, loss of strength will happen, especially while on HRT, but having such background and fitness to start out with is a huge asset! I know this for a fact on how easily I have picked up the pace with long walks. It feels like the strength loss is also getting easier to deal with than say year and half ago.

My advice would be to stay fit and keep doing some lighter exercise and then do weight cycles to help with fem fat distribution hitting the right spots. It can work wonders.

[CM213]

Lara, 

yes I know what you mean. I've been researching women's workout routines and have been trying to watch some of the women whose physiques I admire and would try to aspire to be like when I transition to see what they do in their workout routines (and trying to not look like a creeper) lol. 

My wife has told me I have a very nice set of legs and butt for man, that most women would like to have, but I don't have hips. I don't have that feminine hip, waist, bust ratio society deems as beautiful and feminine. She says I'm a very handsome man, granted I don't see what she sees, and I've never thought of myself being anything special. But I'm sure doesn't want to lose her trophy husband arm candy lol. Jk. Maybe I'll become the trophy wife arm candy on her arm. Who knows lol I'm just teasing. I really do hope our relationship survives this obstacle, which is another reason why I'm opting for the super slow version. I'd rather transition with her slowly (since it will be a journey for us both) than fast by myself. 

I just want to be me. I'm really torn between doing all this research and trying to learn all these how to be or do x, y, z videos. How to use for makeup and how to walk feminine and how to be more feminine and body language and mannerisms and what not.  when really all I want to do is just be myself and if I don't have all the female mannerisms or the walk or whatever then so be it. I'll be an Amazon goddess lol minus the height of course. Like it feels like I'm almost trying too hard and that's it's not really myself when all I want to do is just be a woman while being myself, if that makes sense.




Thank you for the kind words and the support. I hope you're doing well, I have not been on here for a few weeks, I'm trying to play catch up.

[Shirazmn]

Hey CM

First of all good luck on your path, whichever it may be. I hope your wife supports you and stays by your side.

Regarding BO VS HRT well... HRT is definitely better as it's stronger and it would be taken under medical supervision. Once your HRT routing has been established, you can add BO along with it. But for the first months, probably a year at least, you shouldn't cross streams.

One thing about who you will become, and this is something I said to many trans people: be realistic. Unless you have a magic wand or a million dollars to invest in surgery, you will probably not become 100% what you wish to become. It's normal. I am firmly in the males staying males field because I can't transition into a 18 years-old KPop cute idol girl, I had to accept that a long time ago. I would suggest you look at other people's transitions to see what is realistic to achieve and to expect. This is not to scare you, but to make sure that you feel happy with what you'll get in the end. Keeping a realistic outlook will also help people around you accept who you are becoming.

Good luck!

[CM213]

Shirazmn thank you for the advice. Yes I've heard many people use bo with their HRT program, but yes prob best not to add bo till the right dose of hrt is established, and with appointments every 3 months and the 6 months it could easily take a year for the Endo to find the right dosage/combo of drugs. 

I think I'll start the bo first honestly. I don't see myself even starting hrt for most likely another year (and that's just a guess). I'd like to see the affects of bo and hopefully there are more positive ones than negative ones to where I can have a decent argument for wanting to change from bo to hrt when it comes time for that conversation with the wife. But there may be more negatives that we both feel outweigh the positives and may end up not proceeding to hrt for a while or even at all. But who knows I'm just playing devil's advocate. 

Yes I do have realistic expectations if I were to ever transition. I know I will prob be viewed as a female bodybuilder if I'm lucky lol. I'd prob want to try to save for at least some facial surgery, maybe a nose job or something that if I could only do one which would have the greatest affect on people seeing me more feminine. I've heard once most people had their nose done they were being read more female more of the time than before their nose job. But obviously I'd have to have a consult with the plastic surgeon and see what they recommend, and obviously my financial situation may or may not change by then. 

For me right now I feel I'd need to pass if I were to transition, but that may change. I have not done really much of anything in terms of transitioning so it could very well change. All of my life I've wanted to be a woman. A fully functional woman (obviously I can't get pregnant or give birth or have periods) but other than. The obvious id want to be as fully functional of a woman as I can be. And most of that revolves around my genitals downstairs. There have been many time that I wished that the doctors would find something abnormal downstairs and rec I have my genitals removed, but that's never the case lol. Always healthy. I know that's something I'd never wish upon anyone and I know that's something I probably shouldn't even wish upon myself as well, but at least if they found for example testicular cancer I'd have a extremely good reason to have them removed and no one would bat an eye about it. Again that's an extreme example. But if I'm being honest I have always hoped for something like that before every physical I've ever had. 

Anyways I really do appreciate your words of support and kindness, as well as your advice. I'm sorry that you decided that you couldn't transition, but I know not everyone does. I just hope that your gender issues aren't causing more unseen damage on your mental health and general well being. Hopefully nbe is a good compromise enough to keep those feelings and gender issues happy enough to not cause any further issues.

[HelloDiDi]

Becoming passable is kinda peculiar with the way it works. Its easy to overestimate how well it works, but its also not as insanely difficult as people often make it to be, women aren't all the same, women aren't all hyper feminine tiny little dolls either. Beauty is not the same thing as ability to pass for a cis woman.

The most important things that make it is lack of overly masculine features, voice is a huge huge deal, and feminine enough body language. The rest is mostly worn and painted on. One thing people tend to stay silent about which can make or break is body shape, once body proportions become fem enough, its almost automatic pass unless something else messes it up. Realistic take on it would be to give it three to five years to work out, that's plenty of time for HRT and arranging surgeries where needed and plenty of time to work for it. Most of it is just hard work, the rest is being patient.

The notion that you would need to be super pretty, tiny or hyper feminine to pass is bunch a BS. I'm sure you can pull off the gym lady look if you work hard for it and just give HRT time to work. It can be way better than you imagine at first and likely you wont need gazillion dramatic surgeries for it either. Nor for becoming pretty as most of it is always performative and skills that anyone can learn. Also, when thinking about transition goals, the best goal is peace of mind living in a body worth living which feels like home. We're just altering our space suits to match who we are, so that's the number one goal there is. Peace of mind. 

[Shirazmn]

Hi CM

The point of me not transitioning into an 18 years old fetish fantasy of mine wasn't to explain why I didn't transition, but to give an example of why I never would. I have a Platonic view of the matter, and I would never settle for anything less than perfect, so I would never start. For myself I apply the rule that I'd rather be an average guy than an ugly woman (trans or not). but this view about feminization comes from the fact that I still believe that I am cis, and I do realise that trans women NEED to transition no matter the result.
The underlying message is what HT wrote after me. Set yourself some realistic transition goals for your body, and be ready to live with whatever is the actual outcome of your transition.

On the upper side, your wife seems to be somehow on board with this. Having someone to talk to is hugely important and it will help you moving the goal posts from time to time and adapt to wha tlife throws at you.

Good luck!

[CM213]

To each their own.for me I know I won't be sone pretty little thing from the pages of a Victoria secret catalog, but that won't stop me from transitioning. I want to pass and I will try to pass as much as I can, and I do have a realistic vision of what I can become. Passing is important to me but not a limiting or deciding factor to stop me all together. 

Like Lara said women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. Hell there are genetic born women that are more of a man than I am. Lol. Transition is deeply personal, and different for everyone especially as to their needs and goals for their transition. What may be good for one might not be for another. What may stop someone might not stop another. Just saying 

And I'm sure everyone wants or envy's the looks of someone else and wishes they could have a nicer butt or curves or hips or breast etc. You say be realistic about transitioning, sounds like your idea of what you'd want to become is highly fetishized due to the internet and porn, which is guess what not realistic for just about 99% of the population. Just saying.... 

Anyways thanks for your input, advice and OPINION.

[HelloDiDi]

The whole point is to become the best you. Search happiness and peace of mind in a body worth living in. There's a famous quote from I think from a trans man who said "transition doesn't bring me joy, it brings me peace of mind". That's kind of a motto I think is good to live by.

And perfection, its always good to aim high but to accept that none of us is ever perfect, that's not a human trait. And to realise how we're unique and transition is always unique and personal. What comes to passing, its good to not feel desperate because it works in a weird way and some times it works against all odds even. Pulling off a cis passable big buffed out gym amazon lady look is totally doable. Height and size is not a problem, I'm a living example of that and I'm nowhere near tallest or biggest women out there. Some masculine traits are also fine when enough boxes tick to correct direction. Passing is almost like a checklist with people having a bit of variation on how much is needed for it to work. For most trans women, in the long run, passing becomes the least of issues. So much can be worked for making it work and HRT alone given the time can be so magical. As a goal I believe its a requirement for a normal and peaceful life. To each their own, but for me it was a high priority since beginning. Knowing how crazily diverse bunch of people pull it off is very encouraging.

One thing about this is the performative side of womanhood which can be so much fun to learn. Going crazy with all the endless options with clothing, makeup and everything "painted on" is so much fun and it can be quite a confidence boost too. I think its good to find ways to make transitioning a bit less of a pain and try to find the fun and positive in it. Easier said than done, but working towards cis passing has a lot of skill involved and that can be fun to dive into.