[throwaway]

im male in birth and see myself as male. after researching, i found out i got autogynephilia (kind of?). i dont always feel like it, it comes and goes in waves but it was always there. im feeling like having a feminine figure usually when i am aroused, and only then. i found myself in the last week researching and finding this site. 

the thing is now i am more capable and independent, so unlike other times i found myself ordering PM and RR, and while researching here i really got exited to be more feminine. i was always very emotional and gentle, and some other attributes which are stigmatized as feminine yet i do not wish to become a trans or something like that. and i mentally go back and forth about actually doing it (wanting to take the journey and at the same time cancel the order) . no doubt i will enjoy myself in private having results but i feel shame for my actions and worry a lot about my chance at dating women and the social environment around me (not that i was planning to get too far, but i worry about people noticing and their acceptance of this).

i dont know what to do and im looking for insight on how to manage the will to make a long-time fantasy true and my worries. thanks!

[PleasantlyFascinated]

Autogynephilia is nice.  I've had it for years.  At first I struggled to understand how to cope with it.  Now it is a realization of what is normalcy for me, in my present circumstances.  I like the handle of autogynephilia because it just means I like what I like, without needing to detract anything about how I'm made. 

[prostatenipple]

Oh wow. Ok I just looked up what that means, and I have that also when aroused.

im feeling like having a feminine figure usually when i am aroused, and only then.

Me too!
And only when aroused.

and while researching here i really got exited to be more feminine.

Me too again.
I got really excited when I found I could get an estrogen cream from the US, nearly bought it but chickened out at the last second. The thought of applying the cream on myself specifically to become more feminine was intoxicating.

i was always very emotional and gentle, and some other attributes which are stigmatized as feminine

I'm also emotional and gentle.
Much more than a typical male. At least some of the time.

i dont know what to do and im looking for insight on how to manage the will to make a long-time fantasy true and my worries. thanks!

I also don't quite know what to do for myself.

Have you thought of doing this partially? It might or may not be what you want.

For example, there are plenty of people here taking herbs to get a more feminine figure without breast growth, only to get breast growth just because that's how their bodies work. (The idea was that you need a lot of estrogen over a long time to get a more feminine figure, and that breasts react sooner to it, so you start growing breasts before you start noticing a change in your figure. Not to say that you can't get a figure first, just what I read here.)

Some might cross-dress for a while before taking herbs or hormones.

How do you feel about any of this?

[throwaway]

Oh wow. Ok I just looked up what that means, and I have that also when aroused.

im feeling like having a feminine figure usually when i am aroused, and only then.

Me too!
And only when aroused.

and while researching here i really got exited to be more feminine.

Me too again.
I got really excited when I found I could get an estrogen cream from the US, nearly bought it but chickened out at the last second. The thought of applying the cream on myself specifically to become more feminine was intoxicating.

i was always very emotional and gentle, and some other attributes which are stigmatized as feminine

I'm also emotional and gentle.
Much more than a typical male. At least some of the time.

i dont know what to do and im looking for insight on how to manage the will to make a long-time fantasy true and my worries. thanks!

I also don't quite know what to do for myself.

Have you thought of doing this partially? It might or may not be what you want.

For example, there are plenty of people here taking herbs to get a more feminine figure without breast growth, only to get breast growth just because that's how their bodies work. (The idea was that you need a lot of estrogen over a long time to get a more feminine figure, and that breasts react sooner to it, so you start growing breasts before you start noticing a change in your figure. Not to say that you can't get a figure first, just what I read here.)

Some might cross-dress for a while before taking herbs or hormones.

How do you feel about any of this?

I've done some thinking with myself.. came to the realization that i am who i am and there is no point troubling myself over this. Yes I have some small corner inside of me wishing to go on this path and i actually bought some stuff but the motive here was lust and nothing more. Since im not complete with the decision to do this im working on accepting the situation mentally and change the inner narrative by looking at my situation as a situation which is not good nor bad. Working on not framing it as a problem to be solved.

If one day i'll decide to pursue this then so be it. When and if the day will come - i will do so with a full heart.

whoever reads this - know there is no right or wrong. wishing everyone here self acceptance and good health.