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nephele   14-10-2025, 11:37 AM
#1
How do you do! 

I recently found this forum, when googling stuff about pueraria mirifica. I have spent the last week immersing myself into the myriad threads here - I kinda got addicted to soaking up the info but especially reading y'all's stories and journeys, especially Jamie-May's story to which I relate quite a bit. Hopefully she's still checking in sometime, would be nice to tell her how much her story resonated and gave me confidence to tell my own. That's why I decided to not just lurk but maybe take part in the conversation, this community seems like a really lovely one, I haven't yet seen discrimination or bullying, just lovely people sharing their aspirations and findings. <3

tl;dr:  wanted to share a bit of my story in hopes that anyone reading and identifying with it would feel a bit less alone with their situation. In a nutshell, my story deals with spending my life so far in a body that's kinda between masculine and feminine, and in my 30s has been going towards the feminine even more on its own. I realise it can be a scary situation for others, and I hope that by sharing my story, someone else will find out things about themselves in a relatable situation.

--
A little about me. I was born a boy, and as I wrote above, never quite got where my male peers seemed to go. In a nutshell, grew up always a little chubby, got boy boobs as a kid, was bullied a lot (ranging from kids at the pool remarking "that boy has girl tits :O" all the way to other kids stripping me naked for all to see in the middle of the school yard). I kinda missed my puberty, my appearance was pretty childlike way into my 20s. My face looked kinda similar to my sister's face in pictures. I remember when I was a teenager, an older man asking my dad if I was a boy or a girl. After I got my first couple hairs under my chin at 23 years old or so, I tried desperately growing a beard to appear more masculine, but I can pretty much only grow a moustache, a goatee and a neckbeard despite my family having well bearded men. Still, the beard worked as a masquerade for pretty much through my young adulthood. 

Since childhood I've been more than fascinated with women, with the physique but also with the psyche. I've realised it's beyond sexual attraction, it's more like something in me is desperate to learn about femininity on a very intimate level, and enjoying women's company and closeness. The only people I truly connect with on a deeply spiritual level in my life have been women. I wanted to be Jason Momoa, a hunk of muscle and beard and rough edges. And was super frustrated when I never could. After seeing Vikings for the first time in 2013, I started experimenting with wilder hairstyles and makeup, and now I'm at the point where I usually put on at least some makeup when going to events and we often paint our nails together with my wife. You can see a pattern now, I necessarily didn't back then, or didn't want to see it.

Last winter I suddenly had a revelation and gained insights about myself, I was making music for the first time in my life and something unlocked - music's been always one of the most intimate things for me, so I think through the sounds and lyrics my unspoken part finally made herself visible to me. I finally saw the radiant feminine being inside me. I could ramble on with how magnificently huge that was to me, but you get the point. One of the biggest eye openers I've ever had. Now I no longer have the need to be what I am not, and I can start building my true self. I feel aligned, on track, I know who I am. At 37 years, I feel pretty lucky to have opened my eyes now, but honestly even if I was 99 it's such an important and good feeling that I just hope everyone gets to find their true self at whatever point of their life.

Which finally leads here. I have so many little quirks that are normal on cis men if you have one or two of them, but I've listed things that have been puzzling me through the years and it's a long one, and makes me think I could have some developmental stuff going on, intersex being the closest definition I currently can think of. I suspect I might be a chimera (search chimerism if you went "huh?", it's super interesting) because my mum has many times told how the nurses told her back then that she was gonna have twins, based on the heartbeat sounds, and my parents had started to prepare for twins, but when the first ultrasound was taken, the other heart sounds had gone away and it was only me in the womb with nurses remarking how big I was. This was late 80s so chimerism wasn't that well known yet so the doctors either said nothing or my mum kept it to herself, but yeah, I suspect I might have absorbed a female twin embryo back then and now some of my body would consist of her tissue. It would be super interesting to study, and I'm going to ask an endocrinologist at some point if that's possible, taking e.g. karyotype tests from different parts of my body. Sounds expensive, though, so might not be possible. But definitely my body is going into feminine direction, it's not just gynecomastia, for example my proportions in butt and hips are at the point where I struggle to find fitting clothes in the men's section (and my height creates struggles in the female section). 

So the path forward for me is natural, my body is feminising on its own, so why not cheering it on? I want to see just how feminine my body can get, because it feels like each step so far has been a step closer to true me especially after ditching the desperate need to fit in with a masculinity that was never there. I definitely consider talking to doctors and asking for a supervised HRT, but the process will take years in my country and I might not qualify for it if I turn out not to be transgender in the way the state allows, I still feel like I'm both male and female and not just one, but I want to present as femme. So in the meantime and as a plan B for the rest of my life, I'm interested in experimenting with what I can do DIY style.

--
Anyway, that's my story in a nutshell, it's fine if you didn't read everything as I just like to also organise my thoughts sometimes by writing them down so it was useful for me to write the paragraphs Big Grin 

As I said, I found this place when searching for info about PM, and I'm glad to have found here for many reasons. The dangers of PM/oral estrogen for example, I feel like people on trans subreddits and whatnot don't really speak about those - I had already ordered PM and now I'm glad to know it might cause blood clots so I can tread carefully. Generally people say herbs do nothing, but having seen the pictures here it seems it's just one of those things people parrot without knowing anything first-hand. People even say HRT does nothing and surgeries is the only way, so that shows how blind some people choose to be.

My plan for now is to first get blood tests done, I have done them once or twice a year to keep check on any health issues anyway, but now I ordered estradiol and progesterone tests for the first time in my life. I'm thrilled to see whether my body actually produces more of them compared to an average male body, or if my feminine development is due to some other factors. According to chatgpt it could also result from more sensitive estrogen receptors, which also sounds plausible. I don't know if there is a test for that, but one step at a time.

I'm waiting for 8 weeks until the blood tests, as I have already taken some soy isoflavones for the last few months, with no visible results but my tongue is tingling and mouth salivating which I read could be an indication of hormonal imbalance but also could be a lingering result from an antibiotic prescription I had when I started the soy isoflavones. I also already tried PM for a week until I found this forum, plus over the years I've used all kinds of supplements for longevity, so I figured a reset could be beneficial. I read that 4-6 weeks is plenty for the hormonal system to reset and balance itself, but I'm on a vacation at 6 weeks mark so I figured after the vacay it is, then. I want to see the bloodwork at my body's default mode, before adding any alchemical concoctions again. 

Gonna probably start a thread in the reference section to document my journey when the bloodwork results are in. Rough plan is to start with PM, saw palmetto and reishi, with some other stuff like green tea extract and DIM. I ordered a bunch of stuff mainly with the help of chatgpt but now that I found this forum as a better source of info I can start making more informed decisions about what to take and journal down the feelings and results. I'm also interested in switching to creams, but still gonna at least try and see where the PM goes at first.

I attached some pictures, in that lighting it looks pretty flat but depending on measurements, my chest is about B cup now at my natural starting point. They are proper breast tissue with tangible lobes, they developed on their own without medications or stuff like that. I remember in my early 20s they were super sensitive and I had to put bandaids over my nipples just to be able to wear shirts. My waist has always been pretty thin for a male and compared to my other measurements, and now the most recent development in my body is my butt and the sides of my glutes, they went from pretty much non-existing to promisingly rounded lumps of fat tissue in I'd say 1-2 years. My wife is at this point a huge admirer of my rear view, which feels pretty validating and nice, and also funny Big Grin I don't fit into men's trousers for my size, I have to either buy a couple of sizes larger or try women's sizes which fit better for my body, but are usually too short since I'm a lot taller than an average woman.

LONG post, my goodness, I got words bottled up it seems. Thanks for this corner of the internet - I've been missing old-school forums and now it feels like I found a place to return to every now and then. 

For now, ta-ta!

(oh and my forum name, I've always really liked clouds, and unrelated to this forum I just found out about nephophilia which is a term for people who like clouds - well that's me, and then read about Nephele who is a cloud nymph in Greek mythos and figured it would fit as a name here)
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