Dear Heather,
I must apologise for not having responded to any of your previous posts before now. It was not for lack of sympathy or concern, but I did not feel that I had anything useful to add.
You can see from my latest post on Clara's SO acceptance thread that although I and my one-and-only are also in the throes of coming to terms with my gender variance, our situation is very different in that we can talk through our problems. After making that post it seemed to me that there were a few things I could say to you that might just possibly be useful even if they don't offer any solutions to your problems.
Firstly, I cannot overstate the value of friendship with one's spouse independent of marriage or equivalent. After your being married for 45 years, I find it difficult to conceive that you are not also good friends with your wife though I know it can happen. For myself, I was good friends with my O&O (who incidentally was born in Liverpool as was my own mother) for 17 years before we collaborated in what these days would probably be considered a classic case of parental abduction in bringing her and her children to Canada from England to escape an abusive husband. The whole episode was hairy in the extreme and could have gone disastrously wrong at any moment, as well as relying repeatedly on discretion being exercised in our favour, but it bonded us and made us lovers despite my problems. So now we have been friends for a total of more than 50 years (and married for 34 years), and that friendship at least is something about which she has no insecurity, and allows us to discuss things as friends about which we still have insecurities as lovers. She has already told me that our friendship will endure whatever happens but is concerned that our marriage might be at risk if I were to become an habitual cross dresser or move further into transition.
All of us have insecurities in our relationships, even without the stresses probably inevitable if one spouse is gender variant, and the female gender in particular seems to suffer chronic lack of confidence as to why anyone should love such an imperfect person. There is therefore great mistrust of any situation seen as likely to undermine a highly valued relationship in which she nevertheless lacks total confidence. I know that I used to suffer from this myself, and it is in large part what resulted in my own marriage being delayed by 17 years. If there is some way in which you can discuss your differences on a friendly basis that would be helpful - easier said than done, I know.
It also occurs to me that some of your wife's negative attitude may be because she sees both your previous and present attempts to gain acceptance as being attempts to manipulate her, just as her present threat may be an attempt to manipulate you, and if this is the case you need to avoid doing anything that can possibly be construed as further manipulation. Although the threat is not sensible economically, common sense can go out of the window in emotionally charged situations, so it seems to me that your first priority is to cool things down. It would be great if your son or sons were able to help in due course.
I do hope that you can find a way forward, and in the meanwhile send lots of cyber-hugs.
I must apologise for not having responded to any of your previous posts before now. It was not for lack of sympathy or concern, but I did not feel that I had anything useful to add.
You can see from my latest post on Clara's SO acceptance thread that although I and my one-and-only are also in the throes of coming to terms with my gender variance, our situation is very different in that we can talk through our problems. After making that post it seemed to me that there were a few things I could say to you that might just possibly be useful even if they don't offer any solutions to your problems.
Firstly, I cannot overstate the value of friendship with one's spouse independent of marriage or equivalent. After your being married for 45 years, I find it difficult to conceive that you are not also good friends with your wife though I know it can happen. For myself, I was good friends with my O&O (who incidentally was born in Liverpool as was my own mother) for 17 years before we collaborated in what these days would probably be considered a classic case of parental abduction in bringing her and her children to Canada from England to escape an abusive husband. The whole episode was hairy in the extreme and could have gone disastrously wrong at any moment, as well as relying repeatedly on discretion being exercised in our favour, but it bonded us and made us lovers despite my problems. So now we have been friends for a total of more than 50 years (and married for 34 years), and that friendship at least is something about which she has no insecurity, and allows us to discuss things as friends about which we still have insecurities as lovers. She has already told me that our friendship will endure whatever happens but is concerned that our marriage might be at risk if I were to become an habitual cross dresser or move further into transition.
All of us have insecurities in our relationships, even without the stresses probably inevitable if one spouse is gender variant, and the female gender in particular seems to suffer chronic lack of confidence as to why anyone should love such an imperfect person. There is therefore great mistrust of any situation seen as likely to undermine a highly valued relationship in which she nevertheless lacks total confidence. I know that I used to suffer from this myself, and it is in large part what resulted in my own marriage being delayed by 17 years. If there is some way in which you can discuss your differences on a friendly basis that would be helpful - easier said than done, I know.
It also occurs to me that some of your wife's negative attitude may be because she sees both your previous and present attempts to gain acceptance as being attempts to manipulate her, just as her present threat may be an attempt to manipulate you, and if this is the case you need to avoid doing anything that can possibly be construed as further manipulation. Although the threat is not sensible economically, common sense can go out of the window in emotionally charged situations, so it seems to me that your first priority is to cool things down. It would be great if your son or sons were able to help in due course.
I do hope that you can find a way forward, and in the meanwhile send lots of cyber-hugs.
