[GoneGirl]

I'm really happy for you, Kari. It's a wonderful feeling to have the door to your dream world opened before you and a welcome mat placed at the threshold. Take your wife by the hand, gather your children to you and prepare for a wild, but rewarding experience when you pass through that doorway. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Hugs,

Clara

[Marina Kits]

Thanks everyone. I've come to this point after 44 years of kicking and screaming, digging in my heals and resisting in every way I could think of. It's certainly not anything I WANT to do but rather, something I can't NOT do. It truly is. I just can't do the wrong me anymore. Yesterday was another painful day literally filled with tears beginning to end. It started in church when I couldn't find any friends (in a church of 4000) and no one approached me. I realized that as things are probably going, I might get encouraged to, "not come 'round anymore," after we start looking like a lesbian couple. Some true Christians there will accept us but many of the phonies and immature will certainly have nothing but disdain for us. Later that day, my mind went wandering towards family and friends who we know will not understand me, at least for a couple years. Our families have never been exposed to transgender and I'm positive some will exert "corrective social pressure" on me. I don't WANT to be the one who has to educate them. And then I began thinking about all that my wife will have to endure. How many times will gutless friends and family go to her to ask their stupid questions and tell her how to fix me or worse yet, to divorce me. How many times will she have to defend me? What about the social stigma she will have to endure when we look like lesbians? What about not being able to hold hands when we walk through town or at the mall? What about our dreams of growing old together, husband and wife, and going on short term missions together? God bless her for sticking with me! What about my kids? Will they get teased because their Dad is weird at best or at worst a freak? How fair is it for them to have to deal with what will likely come their way? Will they have the courage and stamina to stand by me? I know, some will say "F" those who don't accept you but please don't - it's simply not a option for me. I don't expect any of this to be easy. Honestly, moving down the transition road feels pretty selfish in my situation but it has come to the point that I don't really feel like I have a choice. The misery of trying to maintain the facade and the fake, irritable person that it makes me is just as bad as what lies ahead. This just sucks on every level!!! Like chemotherapy I suppose, it just has to be done to survive.

I realize what I've said is pretty doom and gloom. There's some clarity in all these recent developments and that's worth celebrating I suppose. Thank you all for your compliments and congratulations. But with the clarity, there's also some sobering realities and reminders that what lies ahead doesn't come without cost. This is only a milestone, not the triumphant end of a journey or even the beginning of a thrilling carnival ride ...at least not for me.

[GoneGirl]

This video is one of the most compelling arguments I've found to explain why the range of variations in sexual orientation and gender identity are natural, immutable outcomes of human biological reproduction. It's not meant for general audiences, obviously, but will enlighten many who are in the dark about this last tragic human rights issue.

Origins of Diversity of Sexual Orientation & Gender Identity

Transgenderism is not a moral issue. It is not a mortal sin. It is as natural as any variation we observe in the birth of a human being.

Kari, I'd like to think that both you and I are instruments of God's will to change the hearts and minds of those who are blind to the injustice of religious institutional discrimination against gender variant people who suffer constant distress through no fault of their own.

Clara

[b.rose]

It started in church when I couldn't find any friends (in a church of 4000) and no one approached me. I realized that as things are probably going, I might get encouraged to, "not come 'round anymore," after we start looking like a lesbian couple.

Many churches know nothing about love, forgiveness and acceptance which is rather odd considering the message they are meant to be preaching. IF church is an important part of your life then find another one where people actually practice what they preach.

Our families have never been exposed to transgender and I'm positive some will exert "corrective social pressure" on me. I don't WANT to be the one who has to educate them. And then I began thinking about all that my wife will have to endure. How many times will gutless friends and family go to her to ask their stupid questions and tell her how to fix me or worse yet, to divorce me. How many times will she have to defend me? What about the social stigma she will have to endure when we look like lesbians?

Unfortunately you WILL have to educate them, but the best education is to lead by example. Just live life as normally as possible and be seen to be living life as normally as possible.

Those of us who transition all go through this and there is a very important lesson we learn at this stage: We often get support from where we least expect it and we often lose support from those we thought we could depend on. You will be surprised where support comes from and you will find support.

This is the most daunting stage of transitioning, the most fear-filled, most tear-filled and most upsetting. But the destination is the prize of normality.

[Marina Kits]

ClaraKay,
I believe you're right about being the catalyst that changes and educates the Christian church. I DON'T believe that TG is a choice or a sin and that God loves us the way we are and perhaps even, very intentionally, selected some many things from the "feminine bin" when he assembled us. I like who I am. Still, it's not going to be easy to bear the rejection from those you thought you could depend on and others who are too self righteous. Thanks for the encouragement. I wish I was as bright and cheery as you are about your transition
...I'll have a look at the video later.

b.Rose,
What you've said in both your posts is spot on with what I expect and hear from my local transgender friends and support groups - those who have been through the tangled trail I'm on. The more I hear and the more people who say it, gives me the confidence to believe with stronger conviction that in the end, it will be good too. Different than life is for me now but better in unexpected ways and hopefully likewise for all (maybe most) who are attached to me in some way.

About my church... There ARE good people in it including our pastors but it's hard to meet people and especially now that I'm between genders in the way I think and look. It could get worse if we really start looking like a lesbian couple but God might have some amazing stuff in store for us there as mentioned above. I don't think any good would come from hiding in another church that is already accepting of TG persons. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment when it comes to my faith. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!! I highly value them.

[MissC]

Well... when you say you value others' opinions... I will assume you mean it. I guess you know I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass.

I have thought a lot about your posts, and what I wanted to say. I meditated on it at the piano with Bach this morning. I've been working on this wall of text all day. It's dredged up some stuff from my past, which is fine -- I'm over it, baby!

To begin with, I know more of your situation (psychologically) than you might imagine. I grew up in a pretty restrictive church with a nobody-is-good-enough Calvinist ethos. To this day, so far as I know, there are not any out gays in that church, so as you might imagine, there was a pretty rigid gender binary enforced, somewhat in the manner of Mennonites but not so much so. Men wear pants, women wear skirts, period. It's a special kind of hell for a male tomboy.

Better yet, both of my parents had been ministers in said church (I come by my preaching honest...!) prior to marriage, and they were liked and widely respected by not only the congregation, but by all the other ministers too. Talk about living under a microscope! Everyone expects the preacher's kids to be perfect, but the reality is more... well... exactly the flippin' opposite.

To be fair, we're not talking about the same church, but people are the same everywhere.

I've come to this point after 44 years of kicking and screaming, digging in my heels and resisting in every way I could think of.

You haven't thought of all of them... yet. Of that, I am certain. I hope you can still find a better way -- it sounds to me that you don't see a good way forward from your present position.

It started in church when I couldn't find any friends (in a church of 4000) and no one approached me.

No one wants to hang out with Debbie Downer. Sorry that sounds crude. But you're already giving off the "trans aura" whereby you chase people away, subconsciously, because you fear what they think of you, and you assume they won't like you. People sense that, subconsciously, and stay away. Mostly those folks are not anti-trans, or whatever you will; they're anti-buzzkill.

You attract what you think about; what you dwell on becomes your reality. So it's as simple as this: if you think long and hard enough that people don't like you, then they won't. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and a vicious cycle.

And then I began thinking about all that my wife will have to endure. ... What about my kids?

Families, churches, gossip... not pretty.

I wonder just how far you can empathize* with your wife. In most cultures, a woman's status among her peers (other women) is measured partly, sometimes mostly, by what kind of husband she snagged. You are her social status, in a manner of speaking. Her friends won't actually have to say anything at all.

There's much more that could be said on that subject, but suffice it to say, this is the mechanism behind many a transition divorce.

Honestly, moving down the transition road feels pretty selfish in my situation

Well, you aren't doing it for anyone else's benefit, are you? Not trying to be flippant there, or to imply that selfish is a bad word or a bad thing at all times, but yep, that's the reality. I neither criticize nor condone. It's just a thing. At least you're aware of it.

The misery of trying to maintain the facade and the fake, irritable person that it makes me

Have you ever asked yourself why you've so long felt the need for a facade?

Is it because you feel your peer group does not approve of who you think you are?

If that, then did you ever question your association with a peer group that doesn't want you?

I asked myself those questions. There were some social circles I left behind when I left the closet. I found better ones, and more of them, too. And I still have all my real friends!

Being fake around people just so you can go on pretending they're your friends... it's not healthy. It made for some of the worst years of my life, for my sanity and my liver. The shit people can bury inside themselves is unbelievable.

I don't recommend it... but take care that you don't replace one facade with another.

There's enough of that going on here already.

I don't think any good would come from hiding in another church that is already accepting of TG persons.

At 4,000 members, you're little more than a number to your church, I think. Did the anonymity of crowds drive your choice in the first place? Just curious....

You say in another thread that you're not a fighter. I'd think that, if you must be preached at, it may as well be somewhere that cares about you, and won't cause unnecessary anguish. There are churches that will welcome you with open arms -- Unitarians and Quakers come to mind -- I think I'd be driving around come Sunday looking for a church with a rainbow flag.

I left behind all religion years ago, and I couldn't be happier. It's the best option, I think, but it's not for everyone. Nevertheless, I will happily discuss any of it with you, because I have walked in those shoes.

I guess I'm a glutton for punishment when it comes to my faith.

Most people are. Faith in a religion that holds the notion of "original sin" as one of its core tenets is an inherently masochistic exercise. Those people who wear thorns and flog themselves in bloody religious orgies are only a slightly more extreme manifestation.

I just don't understand the attraction to pain.

Anyway, them's my two cents.


*I think some folks on this forum don't actually know the difference between empathy and sympathy. Sorry, derail!

[Misty0732]

Wow MissC... you certainly do speak your mind! Or type it, as in this case. You do make some excellent points and there is a lot to think about in what you have said.

Kari, we both joined the forum about the same time. You've certainly gone farther down the path than I have. Still we share a faith that is likely very unusual among the other members of this forum, and that has, in a small way, bound us together.

One difference is the size of our churches. Mine is small (about 250 on any given Sunday) vs. yours which most would call a "mega-church". Still, I can honestly say that it's not my faith that keeps me from seriously considering transition, nor is it the fact that I attend a small church.

I can only imagine the conflicts you must be dealing with. My genuine hope is that the reactions of some won't ultimately cause you to question your faith -- that would be (in my view) the worst possible of outcomes. The modest advice I can give, and it is small, is to stay humble. By that I mean be gentle, be kind, and be yourself. I find most of the objection to TS/TG among Christians is not the actual subject but the vocal, militant, and obnoxious tone that some in the LGBT community bring to the conversation.

May you and your family have a most wonderful and Merry Christmas! I will be earnestly praying that it will be so.

Misty

[Marina Kits]

Misty,

My faith remains as strong as ever! It carries me and without it, I doubt I'd survive this ordeal. I feel battered and tossed about, not wanting this path but knowing that I have little choice anymore. I know the one who goes with me and I'm very confident he is fine with all of it and I'm pretty sure he's got plans for me through it and on the other side. Perhaps in the church I'm at, perhaps with those I encounter on the way. I don't feel safe but I know he is trustworthy. The particulars of my faith are up for reconsideration but the foundations remain unshaken. I feel like I was swirling around the edges of the eddy when we first met but I'm getting sucked into the vortex now. I'm OK with it at times but fear overtakes me on occasion. Thankfully my wife and I are hanging on to each other like never before and we're doing this together. You and many others have and continue to be near and dear to my heart. You've all helped me in ways I could never begin to chronicle and no matter what, there will always me a special place in my heart for my friends at BN.

[GoneGirl]

Misty,

Thankfully my wife and I are hanging on to each other like never before and we're doing this together.

That's the key to a positive outcome.
Hugs,
Clara

[jannet.duff]

Sorry Kari, I do not mean to hijack your thread, but.

The wives of members of our Chi Chapter support group are encouraged to join along with their trans husbands and meet other wives who have 'survived' their husbands' coming out. Kari, is probably already seeing the benefit to him and his wife by participation in the support group he mentioned for the non-trans partner.

Does anyone know of such a support group in the Toronto or Barrie area in Canada ??

My SO and myself are doing some joint counseling and will also be doing singles counseling, but I know she would like to have more support and a better understanding of my GD issues. She is feeling lost, and unsure were we, as a couple seem to be heading. ( In her own words, she is not a lesbian ).