[flamesabers]

How would you react if your wife announced that all her life she wished to be man. She wants to take androgens, grow body hair, and have top surgery?
CK

I think I understand the intention of your question, but I would like to say I harbor no such feelings myself. Also, I would hope I would pick up on her transsexual nature prior to her disclosing this information so it wouldn't be a huge surprise for me.

Would I stay with her? I think it ultimately depends on how much I'm attached to her and whether her personality and behavior undergoes a radical change or not. If she suddenly becomes aggressive, obnoxious or arrogant, the relationship is over. If though she's the same person I fell in love with, it might work. Perhaps in a way, my reaction might be somewhat similar to Doodle's wife.

Correct me if I'm wrong, Flame, but my impression is that you normally project your feminine side in daily life, at least, to some extent. So, any woman that is attracted to you would probably suspect (or even anticipate) that you are transgender. That saves you from being in the position down the road of having to fess up, risking an end to a budding relationship. (The word 'budding' seems to fit nicely here )
CK

To an extent yes. I lack a male ego and I don't see myself as being a manly man. I assume others, particularly women, pick up on this. I don't wear makeup or speak in a effeminate tone, but I do use or wear pink accessories, such as a pink watch, GPS and headphones. I enjoy spending time with animals, particularly cats rather than hunting animals in the wild. I'm slow to become angry and if she was bored and wanted to put makeup on me, I wouldn't mind.

When she comes to visit my home, she'll definitely know something is different when she sees my quaint and feminine pictures of flowers and scenery in my home, as well as two posters of Rapunzel (from the movie Tangled.)

I'm inexperienced with romantic relationships, but I know I don't like to be the pursuer.

Doodle, I'm glad to hear you're being more open with your wife and that she's accepting of what you have told her.

[Missed Miss]

I can't understand what all the fuss is. I mean, when I see a woman, of course, I might tend to think of her in sexual terms. She's got what I want. (You can take that either way!!) But, I also look at a woman as just another human being, another PERSON, she just happens to have one of those vagina things between her legs. She's JUST ANOTHER PERSON!! Get it? If she decides she wants to change her body to fit what she wants it to be/look like, especially if it's going to make her happy and feel whole/better, why should ANYBODY stop her? Sure, I know her hubby might, if not for sexual reasons alone. But, doesn't everybody that loves her want her to be happy?? WHY would ANYONE want to STOP that from happening, no matter WHAT it takes (barring things like killing or hurting someone)? And if a guy wants to grow tits and trade his dick in for a vagina, why should ANYONE stop him, as long as it's going to make him happy?? It's HIS/HER business, it's HIS/HER body, not ANYBODY else's!
If I bought a Porsche, but felt better with it looking like a Volkswagen, that's up to ME and ME ALONE to have that done!! It's MY car, just like this is MY body!!

[GoneGirl]

I can't understand what all the fuss is. I mean, when I see a woman, of course, I might tend to think of her in sexual terms. She's got what I want. (You can take that either way!!) But, I also look at a woman as just another human being, another PERSON, she just happens to have one of those vagina things between her legs. She's JUST ANOTHER PERSON!! Get it? If she decides she wants to change her body to fit what she wants it to be/look like, especially if it's going to make her happy and feel whole/better, why should ANYBODY stop her? Sure, I know her hubby might, if not for sexual reasons alone. But, doesn't everybody that loves her want her to be happy?? WHY would ANYONE want to STOP that from happening, no matter WHAT it takes (barring things like killing or hurting someone)? And if a guy wants to grow tits and trade his dick in for a vagina, why should ANYONE stop him, as long as it's going to make him happy?? It's HIS/HER business, it's HIS/HER body, not ANYBODY else's!
If I bought a Porsche, but felt better with it looking like a Volkswagen, that's up to ME and ME ALONE to have that done!! It's MY car, just like this is MY body!!

Yes, Missed, you are so right -- in theory. In practice, however, it's a different kettle of fish. People are conditioned to behave and think in ways that societies seem to favor. It's astounding how deeply that programming goes, and how resistant people are to consider other ways.

Trans people maybe the last grossly marginalized minority. Time will fix that, I believe. Remember when the movie "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" was a controversial?

In the mean time, we have to educate people one by one. Even those that love us.

CK

[GoneGirl]

My wife seems to have completely accepted my female identity, such as it is. I am not trans; my feminine gender is emergent. I don't know how far it will develop. For example, I've found myself remarking on my wife's clothes:

"Oh, I like your new blouse, honey!" I said the other day.

"I've had this blouse for more than a year," she responded. "You're just now taking an interest in what I wear," she giggles. "Oh, by the way, I ironed your pink top, the one with the little bow, in case you want to wear it today."

Her attitude toward my fem evolution was not always so relaxed. It had to be encouraged and nurtured.

One thing I did was talk to her about my inner most feelings and desires. I say talk 'to her' because that's kind of how it was. I talked and she listened. I craved to hear some reaction, some acknowledgement from her that she was getting it. None came for days. I was really in the dark as far as knowing how she was taking it. Eventually, she started responding in kind, but up till then, I was on pins and needles.

Another thing I did was suggest some stuff to read. Firstly, I wanted her to understand that my female gender sense is congenital, not due to childhood trauma (there was none), and not a fetish (as I, myself, once believed). My wife read most of "My Husband Wear My Clothes" which is written for the spouses of cross genders. Another good book that delves into the trials of transsexuals and their acceptance by loved ones is "Trans-sister Radio".

We also watched a few movies together that have a transgender theme. Be careful on this one, not all hollywood depictions of transgenders are helpful. To start with, I do recommend National Geographic's documentary "Sex, Lies and Gender" available on Youtube. Also, "Becoming Chaz" a documentary about Chastity Bono's FTM transition available on Netflix. I would stay away from "The Crying Game" in the beginning. You want movies that leave a positive, encouraging feeling in the mind of your partner. I always watched a trans movie first in the beginning to judge its potential for positive enlightenment.

The goal is to erase the prejudice that our lifetime of programming has instilled in our minds. Unfortunately, there are some things that can't be erased. You can't change a person's deep rooted sexual orientation. But, keep in mind that many people suppress their true sexual orientation. My journey of personal discovery has opened up closed doors for my wife, as well. As I have opened up to her, she has been opening up to me. You can probably imagine how liberating that can be if done with good intentions and love.

CK

[Karren]

My wife doesn't accept at all..... but she's willing to turn a blind eye as long as I keep it out of her face.... Getting too girlie on her just sets her off.... lucky for me she rarely stays mad more than a few hours.... It sucks but its the cards I was dealt.....

[GoneGirl]

My wife doesn't accept at all..... but she's willing to turn a blind eye as long as I keep it out of her face.... Getting too girlie on her just sets her off.... lucky for me she rarely stays mad more than a few hours.... It sucks but its the cards I was dealt.....

I'm sorry to hear that, Karren. I'm sure she's held that attitude for years. Is there some particular reason that she is so hardened against your expressing your feminine side? Is it purely a visceral response?

CK

[Scotti]

For me, I think my SO would have no problem with me moving forward with me making myself more feminine. She giggled the other day when she brought the mail in and asked what the small package was that I received after I told her it was my new panties. We've always had a dual lifestyle, the outer perception of a average family coupled with a somewhat deviant lifestyle behind closed doors. This combined with everything else that has happened in our 20+ years of marriage makes me think she will be okay with it. But this is all my opinion, and we have talked only slightly on the subject, so her true feelings are unknown.

Missed Miss, I do think you are spot on. It's my body, and my mental health, so yes everyone should just accept it. However, I think for most though the desire not to hurt the ones they love overpower their desire for self satisfaction, even though one would think that would be a two way street. Rejection, especially by loved ones, can be a fate they are not necessarily willing to live with

[Missed Miss]

Missed Miss, I do think you are spot on. It's my body, and my mental health, so yes everyone should just accept it. However, I think for most though the desire not to hurt the ones they love overpower their desire for self satisfaction, even though one would think that would be a two way street. Rejection, especially by loved ones, can be a fate they are not necessarily willing to live with

I understand. But, if they TRULY love you and want YOU to be happy, shouldn't they accept the changes you want to make to YOUR body? You never have to get acceptance if you want a tattoo or a door knob in your ear lobe or barbells in your tongue. There shouldn't BE any familial rejection! It reminds me of the time about 10 years ago when I was supposed to go somewhere with my aunt, and I was wearing short cut-off shorts and she demanded that I put on longer pants and if I didn't she would no longer be my aunt!! But I didn't tell her that I refuse to be her nephew if she didn't grow her hair long and stop getting a guy haircut!! She looked like an older, well-groomed, male, used car dealer with big tits!

[GoneGirl]

It's been awhile since I started and posted to this thread. I came back here today to reread the many good postings on the subject of spousal acceptance of one's TG inclinations when the matter was raised once more by Andrea23 on the main forum.

So, what, if anything, has happened since mid-January in my case?

I had mentioned back then that after the initial shock of my announced TG nature subsided, my DW settled into a pattern of acceptance and support. Her attitude was unexpected to say the least which is why I kept my secret for so long. I've even had thoughts like "this is too good to be true", so in the intervening months, I've kept my antennae up looking for signs that, maybe, deep down she harbored apprehensions that were being carefully suppressed for reasons unknown.

That sounds like I don't trust my wife...LOL That's not true, but let's face it, married folks do keep secrets from each other for the sake of the marriage. I wouldn't be completely surprised if she one day admitted that she's not all that keen on my TG 'hobby', but that she's willing to overlook it for my sake, and for the sake of staying together at this late stage of our lives.

So far, that doesn't seem to be the case. She has supported me to such an extent that it's hard to imagine that her expressed feelings aren't genuine. It's a good feeling for me to know that I can act in a way that expresses my femme side and not feel funny about it. If there's any down side at all, it might be that her unconditional acceptance encourages me to transition faster than I should (like barreling down an incline without any brakes..LOL).

Interestingly, that kind of freedom of expression makes it just as easy for me to slip back into male mode when the situation calls for it without concern that my gender flip-flopping will be seen as hypocritical or, worse yet, nutty.

After 5 months since coming out to her, we still have talks about our feelings and how they are evolving. I think that's important for keeping us on the same page, so to speak. What's also a pleasant surprise is how my wife will share her thoughts more openly, for example, recounting a dream of an erotic nature that reveals something of her sexuality that she would never have dared share in the past.

I feel very fortunate to be in this situation, and I do not mean to come across as bragging. I think it's important for others to know that acceptance and support by one's spouse is achievable, and not to discount that possibility from the start. The key is to start a dialogue, anticipating possible reasons for resistance and trying to neutralize them early. In my opinion, real or imagined fears on both sides are the main obstacles to arriving at a mutually agreeable solution that addresses yours and your spouse's needs. Preparation is critical to a productive dialogue.

This has been a somewhat long winded post, but I hope it helps those of you who are wondering how to best approach your loved one.

Good luck.

Clara

[GoneGirl]

The most useful book that I've ever read about human relationships is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I attribute the insights of the author John Gray to the improvements that my wife and I have made in our relationship over the years. Yes, she read the book, too. Here are a few key points I pulled directly from the book:

1. The most frequent expressed complaint women have about men is that men don't listen.

2. The most frequent expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them.

3. A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.

4. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own.

5. Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea how critical and unloving she may sound to him.

6. Many times, a woman just wants to share her feelings about the day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.

7. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close not necessarily to get solutions.

8. When a partner resists us, it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.

9. A man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as a solution to the problem rather than as the problem itself.

10. A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.

Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed...Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

I have found that these insights are very powerful for improving any man-woman relationship (they work with my mother, too ). I'm not sure if they can be applied directly to the problem of seeking a wife's support for a gender identity issue, but establishing a loving, trusting, supportive relationship in other ways surely will help when a disruptive matter like gender dysphoria needs to be brought out into the open.

I might add that after starting to take a hefty dosage of PM, I could feel that my emotions became sharper, and I had a strong need to talk to my wife about my feelings. This was a new experience for me, but I went with it. In a sense, I began to act more like a woman might in a stressful situation. My wife, being a woman, found it easy to listen and eventually come to understand my feelings. I think that dynamic was instrumental in her eventually coming to accept me as transgendered.

Clara